Dinner takes a long time when you eat one grain of rice at a time, asking for popcorn and veggie straws between bites and then asking for more chocolate milk please in French while spelling chocolate. Owen loved his dinner of pork chops and rice but when I told him he had to use his fork he decided instead to pick each piece of rice up and eat it. Dinner can last for hours I’m here to tell you. Friday nights are hard because there is no school tomorrow. I feel my world spiraling as there is only one more week of school before the summer break. He talks about summer break and knows he goes back to school in August. His teacher is doing a fantastic job of helping him understand that the break is coming up but it’s still a matter of getting through the days. Plus the progress he makes when skills are reinforced both at school and home makes a huge difference for him. I pray summer school will be an easy transition for him. He walked by his bowling pin that sits in his bedroom and then he said it again, “I’m not going bowling today”. It’s been over a year and in the last few days he’s been talking about bowling more and more. The pandemic changed so much of our lives. My heart hurts thinking about the tears he cried in my arms, the screams that echoed in my ears, and the emotions he didn’t know how to express from not being able to go bowling. The list goes on and on but bowling, that was hard. It was our Saturday routine, his excitement for it grew and grew each week and then gone. How can you explain something when you don’t even understand it. Sure, in general, I get it but still, it’s hard. Well, tomorrow’s the day, I think. I’m sure I’ll overthink it all night but tomorrow’s the day we will go back through those doors to see the ball go down the lane. I pray it all works out. I pray it goes well. I pray I have the strength to go. His smile will be worth it. I think back to when he ran down the lane so he could tell the pins bye-bye. Oh my, my heart stopped that day. All I could think about was getting to my baby. After that, we started wearing safety bracelets. But he grew so much in that bowling alley and I know he will be happy again. When it was time for his bath I felt like we were once again in the three bears story. As the water streamed down on him from the shower, he said, “it’s too hot it’s too cool it’s too warm”. He went on, “it’s toooooo warm”, exaggerating the word too and shaking his legs in the water. This is becoming his nightly mantra, wanting me to tell him it’s just right. He drifted off to sleep in my arms, telling me that he wasn’t supposed to touch his eyeballs and “no sleep today”. Well thankfully he didn’t touch his eyeballs and he did fall asleep. I’m thankful for the joy he brings to my heart. His smile is my driving force and his laugh brings music to my soul. Find your inspiration, be motivated, and know that tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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When the moon is out and it’s the middle of the day you get a “no”, from Owen, “it’s the moon”. This was enough to get the meltdown going that was already starting in the car. He knew it’s not supposed to be out during the day. And how do you even begin to explain to him that sometimes it might be out during the day. He had therapy today. I picked him up from school and we headed there. I prepared him for his day because he normally has three therapy sessions but one of his therapists wasn’t going to be there. The sessions go one after the other but the middle session was canceled. This meant he would have to wait with me. He did well waiting and had great sessions with both therapists. After dinner, it was a whirlwind of activity. I said, “you know what” and Owen answered, “I love you”. I always say to him “you know what” and then say “I love you”. I said it because I was going to tell him how proud I was of him today but instead he said, I love you like I always do to him. One of Owen’s favorite foods to eat used to be the banana. Then bananas would cause him huge meltdowns. He still loves the flavor of bananas if he doesn’t see it. His teacher has been helping me work towards him being comfortable with them since he likes the flavor and to ease the meltdowns because you truly never know when you will see someone eating a banana. He was watching Curious George take bananas and dip them in to paint to color them. He grabbed a banana off the counter, opened it up, and asked me for blue paint. He dipped that banana right in the paint I got him. Then he asked for purple and green. Five bananas later I would have bought a whole banana farm to watch him be so happy to be doing exactly what Curious George was doing. The night ended with him watching a video on how to fix a computer motherboard and said, “take it out and hit F7”. I guess he fixed it. Hours later he finally fell asleep after a very busy day. The possibilities are endless. If you believe. Never give up on what’s yet to come. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I can’t stop thinking about how fast summer is approaching. Technically I suppose it’s here. But Owen has one more week of school. Insert sip of coffee here to keep from crying the river of tears I want to cry. My sweet baby O loves school, thrives in school, and here it is one week and then summer. Sure he might go to summer school, he’s supposed to but that’s a whole different school, a whole different set of rules. And I’ll do everything I can to hold my baby together until summer is over and he can go back to his beloved teacher and routine. When he saw the bus this morning the happiness erupted from him. He practically ran up the steps to get on that bus. That’s the smile I cling to until I see him again. You can’t have a bad day if you hold on to the joy from others. Or that’s what I tell myself. As verbal as Owen is he cannot always tell me how he is feeling or if there is something wrong. This is where the queen of overthinking sits on her throne. But I have to. I have to be one step ahead of his feelings, his emotions, and anything that does seem quite like Owen. He started blinking and rubbing his eyes last weekend and he is also very fascinated by the fact that “eyes are circles” and “eyeballs make noise” so he touches them. How do you convince a moving train not to touch their eyeballs. I do believe it is more fascination and maybe allergies that are causing Owen to reference his eyes more but it has been several years since he’s had his eyes checked. I made him an appointment and he’s going next week to the eye doctor. When Owen was very little I would talk to him about going to the doctor. I wanted him to be comfortable with going and not be scared of what would happen. I told him that we were going next week. Now he asks every day when we are going. He ate a full plate of shrimp and somehow I manage to have shrimp in my bunny slippers, in my hair too but I still don’t know how he managed to get it in my bunny slippers that I was wearing. After dinner, he ran to play his keyboard. He sat there singing Christmas carols with the prerecorded tunes. When he was done playing it he moved on to his ukulele. He decided he didn’t want to play his “u can’t laLEE” long but I told him he had to finish singing a song for me. I try not to push but I certainly try to encourage him to play longer. Pushing only makes him want to stop quicker. He drifted off to sleep pretty easily after repeating that he “was not gonna get in de car” for fifteen minutes. And so with a beep beep zoom, he was asleep. Life is not always easy to explain but the love sure is. Dream the biggest dream you can dream and go after it. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
When the miracle strikes and you get to see it right before your very eyes it makes it that much sweeter. The rollercoaster ride is always full of twists and turns and my sweet baby O keeps me on my toes but today felt good, exhausting, but good. Today was a little different for Owen. I picked him up from his grandma’s house instead of him riding the bus. When we came home he wanted to tell me which way to go. I kept driving. He did okay with it but he screamed a little. When we got home I put on my new bunny slippers. I got them because I wanted to see if he would noticed. He did, immediately. “That’s a’bunny slippers”, he said. I told him to put his on and we would be matching. He did. This made my heart happy. For the child that has a hard time with wearing shoes when it is not time to wear shoes and then add on different types of shoes at that, it’s huge. He stood next to me trying to step on my feet as he always does and I took a picture of our slippers. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. This is one of those big steps. After a while, he took them off and left them in the middle of the floor. Every few days I have Owen help me paint the backgrounds of our paintings with a hand-over-hand method working on his fine motor skills and then I paint the rest. I put the paint on the canvas, called him to come help me, and then got some coffee. He came rushing past me, picked up the paint brush, and started painting it on his own. So much joy and a bug step for him. After his bath, I told him to put his bunny slippers up. Instead of putting them up, he put them on, and he wore them to bed. I told him that he didn’t need to wear them in bed so I put them next to the bed and I told him I didn’t wear mine to bed either. He was not happy with this so I told him he could wear them tomorrow. He was still upset so I tried to distract him by talking about the alphabet. He stopped me and told me he wanted to wear blue boots tomorrow. I told him I didn’t have blue boots but I could get him some. He said, “blue boots in the box come”. I think he’s starting to get a hang of this asking for things he wants. I truly can’t imagine he will want to wear them but hey he asked for them. He asked for his bunny slippers again and told me he wanted “white bunny slippers in the box come”. For a kid that doesn’t want to wear many shoes, he asked me for two new pairs. And wanted to wear his slippers to bed. In and out of sleep he went. Each time he woke, he popped his head up, asking to get his bunny slippers and “put dem on”, repeating the word “on” several times. He sang to me in numerous languages and got mad at me again because I still can’t speak Thai. And after looking it up there are numerous Thai languages. I might should learn how to refer to all these languages at some point. It’s a little daunting realizing that he can say or sing phrases in at least fifteen languages that I know of and he wants me to be right there talking to him. Believe in miracles, believe in grace, and believe with all your heart that you are worthy. Smile and let the world see you shine. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Some days don’t feel real. I get stuck on one thing and can’t move forward. The screaming wears me down. I keep telling myself Owen is in a growth spurt or maybe it’s because school will be out soon and his teacher is doing everything she can do to prepare him that she can and I’m trying to talk to him about it on my side. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. The calmer I am the calmer he is, sometimes. We went to one of our therapy sessions and on the way home, he was trying to tell me which way to turn. I told him we were not going to see the windows today. I need him to understand that not every day will he get to see them. His words are still limited even though his vocabulary seems huge. He can’t always express his emotions and he doesn’t always understand mine or that they are not always directed at him or from him. When I didn’t turn the way he wanted I could hear the scream brewing. I immediately started asking him questions. He was not focusing and could not concentrate on my words. I got louder. Since I was driving I couldn’t make him look right into my eyes so I needed to capture his attention. I said, “a is for”. He didn’t respond. He was ready to let loose with the screams. I got louder, “a is for”. He responded. “A is for alligator”, he said, quickly followed by “go straight”. I went on right over his words, “Owen b is for”. He answered. I kept going. He had a quiver in his voice but he answered with my cues. When we got to G he said “G is for Ghana” and I thought is that what he really said. Then we got to T and he said, “Thailand”. I thought wow, how many countries does he know. When we got home he still was upset but we made it inside without him screaming. I felt relieved. He was listening to Mickey Mouse in some other language while he ate dinner. He then said to me, “n is for knee”. Before I could say anything my words came tumbling out of his mouth, “dude k is for knee”. I had to laugh. He laid in bed agitated and ready to scream. The new larger weighted blanket tossed aside more times than I can count. He doesn’t like it any more than he’s liked the smaller ones. He finally fell asleep, asking for his teacher. I pray this summer goes fast. My heart aches knowing how hard breaks are for him. I hear his voice getting stronger every day. He’s my miracle and my hope all wrapped into one amazing package. Know that you can do anything if you set your mind to it. Life is what we make it so let’s make it grand. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I’m trying to not think about how many times Owen yelled at me today. His screams are getting louder as he ages and what seemed like only something that was happening occasionally has shifted to now happening constantly. Hormonal, emotional, growth, the list goes on, and what answers are to be had. I took him to see his beloved windows, only instead of driving by I stopped. I thought he would like to look at them longer. I was wrong. My heart still skips a beat thinking of his screams, his cries, and my tears now. Why does it have to be so hard on him. I drove to the bank afterward. I told him all the steps we were going to do but he gets it set in his mind and no matter what he wants it exactly how he thinks it should be. When I drove away from the bank I asked him which way he wanted to go, hoping and praying he would calm down if I went the way he wanted. We drove around for a few minutes but then I turned to come home. The screaming started again. Full meltdown mode. I sat in the car with him for a bit, trying to distract him, center him, center me. I worked on his breathing and singing with him to control the meltdown. When we came inside I sat with him on the couch, holding him. It was as much for me as it was for him. His meltdowns cause unbelievable sadness to wash over me. Three cups of coffee just to write the words tonight without crying the blinding tears that soon will fall. I never get enough sleep but the hours after he goes to bed are the only time I have to sit and think. I’m starring at another screw that fell out of our kitchen table. He jumps so much, pushing on it with his weight that it is quickly loosening all the screws. I keep adding latches to it so it will stay together. I think some of his anxiousness and meltdowns are coming from the fact that school will be ending soon. He has his beloved teacher for two more years but summer is two long months. He’ll probably go to summer school but it only lasts a month and that has many complications put with it as well. One day at a time I’ve told myself over and over again today. As the day came closer to an end he started his Sunday night chant, “I’m not going to wear shorts today no car ride today sweatpants grey sweatpants blue shirt”. And the list of clothes continued. He wants to make sure I know he is riding the bus on Monday even though he references today and now he added in the fact that he will not be wearing shorts. He fell asleep in my arms tonight and as I do every night, I prayed for sleep and comfort for my sweet baby O. We each are on a journey. Each journey is different but you are not alone. Someone has walked on that path, with different shoes but faced those same mountains. Follow your heart, reach out with your soul, and embrace the world in a new light. Tomorrow is yours for the making. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I’m not sure if it’s because we’ve been up since four in the morning or if it’s because we spent part of the day at the park or maybe it was the long walk Owen took with his grandma but he fell asleep quickly tonight. He knew he was going to grandma’s house later in the day but he wanted to go as soon as he woke up. I begged and bribed him with his tablet if he would let me sleep a little longer. I don’t know that I got much more sleep because he wanted to see that my “eyeballs are round” but at least he followed directions and sat with me with his tablet volume low. When it was time to go to grandma’s he kept telling me “two more thirty minutes”. He has no real concept of time itself yet he knows what time it is better than me. Saturdays always seem to be a hard day for him to get into the day. Even though Saturdays are kind of routine they aren’t as structured as his weekdays. I got him redressed because he isn’t quite ready to wear shorts outside of the house yet and as soon as said we were going he took his shorts and shirt off. I put his requested blue pants and shirt on him. It’s another transitional thing we have to work on. Once he gets used to wearing pants it’s hard for him to go back to wearing shorts. And he still struggles with me wearing home clothes versus going out clothes. When we are heading home, no matter where we are, he will start saying “mommy change”. After he spent the afternoon with grandma we went to the park with some friends. I took a kite with us and we had a nice time. The weather was beautiful for it. The wind wasn’t very strong but we were still able to fly the kite. He loved swinging and talking about going down the slide but he didn’t go down the slide too many times. On the way home he asked to go “see the windows”. I hadn’t planned on driving him by the downtown area that he loves looking at the windows but he thought we were going to go. Somehow he associates this area with computers and always talks to me about “starting windows” when we drive by. It fascinates me how he puts it all together. As soon as he realized I wasn’t driving him to the windows he went right into meltdown mode. He screamed so loud in the car, crying, and attempting to make himself sick so I turned and took him to see the windows. There’s a difference between a meltdown and a tantrum. And sometimes it’s really hard to tell but his emotions told me this would last all night if I didn’t take him to see the windows. When we got home it took him a while to settle down but I could tell he enjoyed his day. He sat with me on the couch with his legs over mine so I wouldn’t get up. “Sit” was his command. He didn’t hesitate long when I said it was bath time. I’m thankful today was a beautiful day and that my sweet baby O got to play with a kite. Dream big, share your story, and know that you can make a difference in the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen didn’t want to get up this morning but he did want to go to school. I told him that there was only one way to go to school and he said, “two more minutes”. I could understand that. Exhaustion is exhausting. Most nights after he goes to sleep I stay up painting and writing, giving myself time to unwind from the day, telling myself to be strong for tomorrow. I was thankful when I asked him “do you know what today is” and he quickly replied, “today is Friday”. I needed that. It felt like the reassurance that everything was going to be fine. When we walked to the bus stop he was telling me about the stop sign and the birds singing. He said something to me in Russian and I realized he was talking about a bear. I felt the progress and I felt he was a little more back on track. I worry when his words and actions don’t stay consistent. When he came home from school he started telling me about his day. It feels great to hear those words. He had lunch, he went to speech and art, and he told me, “they aren’t the same class”. When Owen gets more of an understanding of how his voice works he will truly be able to do impressions. He’s already halfway there. When he is saying the same words someone has said to him he uses their inflections and tones. He can have perfect pitch when he sings if he is concentrating and singing with his natural voice. He started singing Hickory Dickory Dock and it was in Arabic. While he was singing he would stop and ask Siri how to say a word in Russian and go right back to singing. He ate all of his requested shrimp for dinner and then requested “two more thirty minutes” before his bath. His smile takes away my crankiness and brings great joy to my heart. If Owen had taught me anything it is to never give up. Never give up. There are miracles and blessings everywhere you look. Let that blessing touch your soul and be a guide for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen woke up exhausted. He was having trouble focusing but was in a great mood but he still acted like he was confused. He kept saying the wrong day. He knew he had therapy today but he kept telling me it was Friday. He had no symptoms of sickness and some days are like this but it’s hard when you don’t have answers for moments in times like this. Sleep plays such a big role in our daily life and we don’t sleep a lot. He woke up numerous times last night but went back to sleep each time. As we walked to the bus stop he would pause numerous times. He looked around and you could see him soaking in the shadows of the world around him. The sunlight flickering off the tree branches caused him to stop mid-stride, bending slightly forward, tilting his head back and forth as he squinted his eyes. I wonder sometimes what he sees in those shadows. When we got to the bus stop he kept insisting on talking about it being Friday and yesterday was Wednesday, like Thursday was no longer an option. He also talked to me about the bus and asked me several words in Russian. He got on the bus almost running up the steps. I sent his teacher a note so she would know that it might be a hard day for him. As the day went on she let me know that he was doing okay but he was having a hard time focusing. When I picked him up from school it was like he snapped to it. During the drive to therapy, he was asking me tons of questions and telling me which way to go. Still didn’t feel completely the same but better. I told his therapist that he was having a rough day so we would see how it went. After all of his sessions, they told me he did great. Each one of them said he was very calm and they worked on new skills with him. I was thrilled to hear it. I asked him if he wanted to get chicken nuggets and he at first said no and then yes and then no and the whole way there he went back and forth. Since he hadn’t eaten too much that day I thought we would try it. He always wants a six-piece happy meal with extra fries, apple juice, and a cheeseburger. He orders it like one of the kids he watches on a video. We got home and my boy devoured all of it but half a nugget. He was being more like himself. I wanted to get him to bed early. Owen thought otherwise. And he won. He talked my ear off though and it felt good to hear his words flowing a little easier. Some days feel hard and emotional. Today was one of those days. We all have hard days but when it’s your baby it’s hard on both of you. I hope he gets a good night's rest and ready for his Friday. Through challenges, we grow. Love with all your heart and watch how it changes your own soul. Smiles to all and donut daze!
How much cake can you eat, part two. I’m giving myself one more week of this cake eating business and then I’m back to healthy eating. I guess that means I better make another cake and some cookies. I feel so much better when I eat properly and do my exercises but stress got me eating like a pound of sugar for every tear I want to cry. Owen woke relatively happy but also wanting the world to go at his pace. “Sit”, he told me, as I got up to go the bathroom. Sit is not something I had time to do. We had to get the morning started, even though I would have loved sitting. Sleeping or eating more cake to be precise but sitting would have been fine. I came back from the bathroom, with coffee in hand, and Owen said, “e is for angry”. I said, “a is for angry” and he promptly he got angry. “N is for knee”, he went on. He looked at me. He knew exactly what I was going to say because we’ve been having this conversation for days. Staring at me, he said, “n e e” spelling it out. He went on, “n is for knee”. How in the world do you explain a silent K. He’s already starting to question know, no, and nose. The English language makes my head spin with all the possibilities. Wait until knight and night come crossing over into our learning words. And then add in the fact that he wants to know how to spell giraffe in Russian, Korean, and Spanish. Oh boy. Where’s the cake. My boy has got a brain on him that is keeping this momma on her toes. When we got to the bus stop this morning he told me that the “stop sign makey de noise”. Now he’s not wrong. In the general sense no they don’t make noise but as acute as his hearing is they make noise. He then followed it with “ambulance up in the sky”. So again, technically not wrong because there are planes that fly for medical reasons. He can make connections to everything and I’m going with it. Plus he is telling me facts that I don’t even know until I look them up. He knows how many people walked on the moon, he can list all the planets, who knows how many languages he understands and speaks, and the list goes on, so before I ever tell him he’s wrong I’m going to have to do a little research first. I’m thankful there’s Google now and I don’t have to search through all the encyclopedias anymore. We left to go to therapy and before we even walked out the door he said, “be careful don’t hurt your figure be careful are you ok need a hug”. He knew he hurt his finger the last time we walked out our door and went to therapy. He showed me the finger. I was in amazement that he held up his hand. I’m always shocked by his memory but I’m now used to the fact that he has it all stored and ready to go when he makes those connections. I caught my toe on the bed and I said, “ow that hurt”. Owen chimed in “owl up in the sky”. And with that it was nighttime. I’m amazed at how much he knows and the growth that I see. I tell him every day that he can be anything he wants to be he just has to set his mind to it. We can’t change yesterday but we can grow from the days gone by. We all have our struggles, we all have our moments, but remember tomorrow we can choose to smile. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
April 2024
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