Nothing like waking to a toe up your nose. The dude didn’t sleep long in his bed before getting into bed with me. And then it was full on sensory mode. He was like a fish out of water, flipping around, pushing his head into mine multiple times, and the whole toe up my nose thing. He was sound asleep, but his body couldn’t stop moving. He kicked me multiple times, my back being his favorite target. And he was asleep. I wish I could figure out the right amount of activity with input to help his body. It seems like I am never able to give him the correct amount of input. It’s hard for me to determine when he needs compressions and when it’s too much for his body to take. I knew it would be a rough night for him because he kept requesting input before bed. He kept telling me, “sit down”, then sitting next to me on the couch, putting his right foot in my hand. I see the changes in Owen. I hear his words and the connections he is making. When I took him to daycare he wanted to “plug in” the television. I was so excited that he knew it needed to be plugged in for power. He repeatedly said, “pwease Mickey Mouse Clubhouse”. These steps are huge. Our daily goal is to teach him life skills. I want him to be able to take care of his basic needs. Something like hanging his bath towel up is a process that we work on every day. Last night he reminded me he had to do it. I’m thankful for these moments and I’m proud of my sweet baby O. Keep pushing forward. Be proud of where you have come from and make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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Not so much sleep for me, but hip hip hooray Owen slept. He did wake in the middle of the night and get in bed with me, but he slept late so that works. The lights got us in a little bit of a tailspin this morning, but it didn’t last long. He wanted them to stay off, but he also ran through the house turning them on. However, my legs kept Owen laughing this morning. He follows me all through the house, falling to the ground at any moment to inspect my knees. If he’s carrying his tablet the corner immediately goes in his mouth and he giggles, staring at my legs. If he’s not carrying his tablet he will touch my knees, looking at my scars from the surgery I had as a child. This phase goes through cycles. He hadn’t done it in a while, but the last few days it’s back to knee inspection. He talks about my clothes all the time. I must have on pre-approved clothes for what I’m doing. The lounge clothes at home go through the winter to summer and summer to winter transition. Shorts and pants cause their own sets of anxiety and rules for Owen. And Owen never wants to wear pants or shorts at home. But he must wear a shirt. If I try to leave his shirt off before a bath or bedtime he will cry and scream until I put his shirt back on him. I wonder sometimes how these rules for him were set in motion; is it the way I handled something or is it the way he processes the moment. The last few days he seems very tired, but also calmer. I’m not sure if they are connected or if one is the result of the other. He’s been laughing a lot more lately, too. I love to feel those happy emotions. Owen is my world. I never imagined the emotions I would go through, but when I see the progress and the light shine in his eyes I’m thankful. See the beauty around you, let your light shine, and go after your dreams. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The overwhelming fear of my son running across the parking lot gets me every time we go someplace. I try to hold his hand, but I also try to give him freedom. He has no fear, I have it all. I want him to be able to explore the world, but he runs after his dreams, not looking at the where he is ever going. Stairs are my next fear. When he is paying attention he does amazing on them, but one motion, one noise, one moment in time and I’m holding on to him for dear life. I sit with a thousand emotions daily in my soul, pounding moments of memories into my thoughts. He’s come so far, but every day I have to stop the hamster wheel putting those memories back in my brain. Today he woke extremely happy, in a great mood even after getting out of bed, turning on the lights without me asking him to, and only screaming once, correcting himself as he did it, “no screaming”. He slept most of the night, waking close to five, getting in bed with me, and falling back to sleep for about another hour. I was thankful for his calm this morning. His emotions wear on me. For a thousand reasons. It hurts that it’s so hard on him. In the last week, he’s cried himself to sleep many times. He can’t express what’s wrong. All I can do is offer my love and support, telling him it will be fine and holding him when he will let me. Oh, how I wish he could tell me his feelings. This momma heart of mine tries to hide from the pain and remember his smiles throughout the day. In the still of the night, when he falls asleep, I try to reflect on his smile, his beautiful, expressive smile. He captives me with it, lighting up the world as he goes through his day. Life can be overwhelming, but look for the rays of sunshine. Know that you are not alone and tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen was screaming all morning. It was his happy little bursts of screams that made him laugh, look at me, and then wait for my reaction. Sometimes, a lot of the times, it’s so he can see my reaction. The self-appointed queen of facial expressions has to sit motionless through so many moments, hoping that this was the right decision to let it all pass. There isn’t a one size fits all rule book that I can read to get this daily life correct. It always feels like one rookie mistake will keep us hinged to the next move. The look told me more screams were coming. Brilliant words trickled from my mouth, “there’s no reason to scream don’t even think about it”. “Think about it”, he says. He thought about it though. He didn’t scream the next time he came running to me, they came later. But this time the screams were different, echoing a moment of distress. His tablet wasn’t performing correctly, the internet cutting in and out for a few minutes. In these moments he now comes to me for help; sometimes in patience and sometimes in angst. We moved on from all that to get ready for our day. He really was having a good morning, he had slept all night in his bed, only coming to me for his good morning hug. He was listening really well to most of my instructions. I try to have him help me with the steps of getting him dressed. All I can think is he’s come a long way. He’s seven and he can’t put on his shoes, but I think he can take them off. That’s the progress I cling to. I also worried that he wouldn’t be able to tell me if his socks didn’t feel right or he had a rock in his shoe, but those glorious words are right on the edge of explanation. He’s able to get his point across in many different ways now. More emotions fill my heart with every word and smile he gives me. We had a dance-off in the kitchen, him actually laughing and joining me for once. His smile is my rocket ship out of this world. Find your inspiration and take your dream to new heights. Smiles to all and donut daze!
And there it was the change. There’s a video that says “wow wow everyone” and Owen runs to me asking me to find “wow wow everybody”. But today was the day. He switched it. He comes screaming from the other room “wow wow everyone”. I heard him going back and forth between the words, trying hard to say everyone in exchange for everybody. He had learned the word “everybody” from another video he watched and uses it for everything. He only watches about ten seconds of the Wubbzy video, but the smile he has on his face is huge. He moved the video to the exact second he wants and watches it over and over again until he changes it and listens to it in multiple other languages. Then the mix of Spanish, English, and Owen’s own language mix together to form a song like no other that brings an even bigger smile to his face and laughter that moves his whole belly, giving me pretty much the same effect too. I love hearing his words because some days my emotions sit heavy with the sounds he makes. He screams a lot and then will scream, “stop screaming”, laughing the whole time. There are only so many ways to say no without using the word “no”. My words are as important as his words. Not only do they need to reflect exactly what I have to say, but they have to be the perfect words in the right moment. I mistakenly said, “let’s go take your shower”. I meant bath. He’s fine with me taking a shower, but that rookie mistake, as I like to call them, threw us off for over an hour. He cried, he laid on the floor screaming, and then he would run to me yelling, “no shower”. The interesting part is he loves the way the shower flows, I have a little handheld shower sprayer and he loves the input it gives him on his back. He can even use it himself. I remind myself of how far we’ve come and that I can’t be perfect all the time. It’s still hard. I can’t sit on pins and needles, but that’s how it feels waiting for the explosion to come from Owen when my words get us. I am stronger today. I will be stronger tomorrow. There is beauty in the world around you. Take a moment for you and know that you are amazing. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Last night the fireworks were not our sleeping friend. Owen couldn’t settle. Every time a firework went off he rushed to the window to see what was going on. The hours rolled by and no sleep was happening. I think I could have slept if I was the one setting them off. The good news, once he fell asleep he slept all night. Me, not so much. He woke happy and he has continued to show his enthusiasm by screeching screams of udder delight. He laughs when I suggest he not scream. The roaring screams go with my random emotions. I’m happy he’s happy, but I wish he could tone down the screams a little. Or maybe not so ear piercing. We will be off to our Saturday adventures soon. He first asked for his teacher and then I told him it was Saturday. He has been very interactive this morning and even initiating conversation. He told me “good morning mommy” and followed it by “I wuv ewe”. I can tell he is in a huge need for input. He has crawled into my lap multiple times, squishing himself into a ball in my arms. He has also wanted to be in his cocoon swing and running all over the house. No settling today. But the words, the glorious words are here. He says, “breffest wanna eat breffest”, as he finished eating his pancakes and sausage. I am also trying to keep his aggression in check. He likes to walk up to me and hit me. He goes through spurts where he will hit me every day and then asking for “big hug”. It’s like his attention getter. I try to explain to him that he can have hugs without hitting and that doesn’t always go over well. He likes to push boundaries and I have to figure out if it is something he doesn’t understand or the way he is processing that moment. And I’m sure there are many other scenarios. Today I’m thankful for his words and interactions. Now to start our day, new shoes await as part of the adventure; those do not always go over well. One day at a time and the rest will follow. Know that you are not alone in this journey called life. Your story may be different than ours, but someone is right there with you and needs to know they are not alone. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Some days I feel like the world is caving in on me, I can’t do anything right. Other days I’m on top of the world, like The Carpenters song I learned so many years ago. Life is interesting that way. Owen was so excited to go to school today. We were waiting on the porch for the bus to come. I was blowing bubbles for him and he kept talking about the bus coming around the corner. I am thankful for his words. I couldn’t wait to hear his words, to have a conversation with him, to know what he was thinking, and here they are. I still want to know what his favorite color is, but I wonder if he even understands the concept. I know his favorite food is veggie straws or I think I know and his favorite song is The Wheels on the Bus, but does he prefer certain colors. It will all come. I know it will. There are changes in him daily. There are changes in me too. I often wonder how to remain strong every day. This whiny factor seems to wash over me some days and I can’t stop crying. Today was Owen’s last day of summer school. There was a comfort in seeing the bus come, taking him off to see his teacher and enjoying his day. My sweet baby O sees beauty in the routine of the world, knowing what is going to happen next. Days that aren’t routine throw us off. But I have to remember days that are routine can throw us off too. I look for the expected and unexpected in every single moment it seems. Waiting for the “what’s next” moment. But things keep me rooted in those guessing moments; like Owen still talking about our lights being off months ago, because someone hit a pole. Today I tell myself to see the sunshine in Owen’s eyes, hear the ocean in his words, and cast the rain away from my own eyes. Find your strength in this moment, see how far you’ve come, and know that tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Sometimes the only thing holding me together are emotions. Owen slept great last night. He slept till after five, getting in bed with me, and then sleeping a few more hours. Me, not so much. He woke asking for his teacher. I told him it was a holiday. How do I even explain a holiday. I told him he would go to school tomorrow. How do I even explain tomorrow is his last day of summer school. I wanted to cry at that moment, but I held it together. The tears are swimming in my eyes now instead. He immediately started asking for his Saturday routine. “Coffee shop e bowling den grandma’s house”, he said. The sentence flowing easily; me wondering sometimes if he interchanges languages or if he is still learning the structure of his words. He has always watched videos in every language, responding to them all the same way, like it’s all one big language for him. He’s very anxious, wanting school, asking about church, and what we are doing today. I think I’m right there with him. All I want to do is cry. His smile is my glue today, holding me together with one look. He might also be causing the anxiety I’m feeling by screaming at me every few minutes. And then I breathe, catching a glance of the paint still smeared on my leg from our morning painting session. I thought I got it all off, but I also found some in my hair a few minutes ago. We truly get into our work. I’m thankful for how far we’ve come. Life is emotional, messy, and everything in between, but there’s true beauty in watching your child bloom right before your very eyes. Find beauty in the world around you, seek comfort in knowing that today is one moment in time, and grow in your own strength. Today is your day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I’m so proud of my baby boy. He is making more and more connections every day. I think, rethink, and overthink our days. Owen is changing right before my very eyes and I have to make sure my thoughts and processes are changing right along with him. He gets overwhelmed so easily with the routine of his day, but yet I see him spreading his wings and trying many new things. Sometimes I hold back on one thing in the fear of the snowball effect I will create. Is it better to be safe or is it better to explore our world. And the answers aren’t so clear cut that the solutions are right there. It’s the 4th of July tomorrow. That means fireworks and cookouts. That also means stress. I really don’t know how he would handle fireworks. It would be hard to take him out late and the noise may or may not bother him. He loves watching animated fireworks and confetti on his tablet, but how does that translate in the real world. And if he hated it how would the days, weeks, and months go after that one moment in time. He still talks about our power being out months ago. For that matter, he sings a song he learned in preschool when I help him wash his hands. He associates moments with memories and keeps them for reference later on. Our world is changing every day. I see songs translated into dances now with Owen and his voice is blossoming. He shares his thoughts and expresses what he wants. The words I dreamed of resonate in my heart and make my soul smile. Never give up. Believe in yourself and the rest will follow. Make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I was in a pillow fight that I didn’t even know I was involved in. Owen got into bed with me, I was too sleepy to notice the time, but then the pillow was pulled out from under my head and he started screaming about “de blanket”. He had his pillow, plus he has a huge U shaped body pillow that we use, but he was still upset. I got the large pillow hoping this would keep him from kicking me and keeping him from rolling to the bottom of the bed. He was really upset about the blanket. I wasn’t fully understanding his concern, which upset him further. We had a blanket on us and he had another one he could use. I finally calmed him down, looking at the clock it was around four. I thought we were done for the night, but in a few minutes, I had feet in my face. He was upset again, this time about my pillow. When I moved his feet he moved my pillow, taking it once again and throwing his to the ground. Breathe Lynn, breathe, I told myself. Trying hard to figure out why he was having such a rough moment. I held him, rocked him in my arms, and he was asleep again. When it was ready to get up he was not. He laid there wanted to sleep still, but I got up, turning the lights on as I moved through the house. He screamed from the bed, “turn de lights offT”. I be-bopped along, trying to stay focused, and keeping the morning moving. I told him that he needed to get up so he could go to school. He stopped screaming, running past me to get to the living room. He loves school. He loves his teacher. And he loves the bus. My heart aches that Friday is his last day of school for the summer. I’m thankful for the last few weeks for Owen. I’m thankful that I see so much growth in him and I know that there are big changes on the horizon. I tell Owen every day he is amazing and he will accomplish great things. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. Positive words and positive actions equal a positive life. Through life’s challenges know that this is a moment in time. Look for the smiles and sunshine even during the rain. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
April 2024
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