I woke to hear Owen running to my bed. It wasn’t quite four in the morning and here he came. He quickly fell back asleep. I didn’t. The alarm would be going off soon and our day would begin. When he woke again he didn’t want to get out of bed, but asked for his teacher. That quickly changed to “wanna swinga” and it didn’t stop until he was on the bus heading to school. I hang his swing on a bar that hangs in the doorframe. He has a hammock swing hanging on a stand, but he likes the cocoon feeling of the other swing we have. I told him he could have it when he got home from school, but he wanted it right then. He wouldn’t stop repeating it. His words tumbled out every two seconds about the swing. As fast as he could finish saying it he started saying it again. I tried to distract him, but the more he said it. This is where I have to decide is it my child trying to push my buttons, is it the seven-year-old child looking for attention, is it Owen, is it autism, is it the pure exhaustion that is making it seem like he is more concerned about the swing, and I’m sure there is something I’ve forgotten to overthink about. Some days I yell in prayer to God, begging for calm for my son, for me. Some days he can’t settle at all. There is no focus or him processing my words. Others days the clarity is right there and he knows everything I am saying. Last night as he fell asleep in my arms, he asked for “big hug”. He wanted the compressions and input that it gives him. I wanted it for him. I’m thankful for his words because I know how hard it was for him when he couldn’t explain anything he wanted and I still hear his cries of anxiety when I can’t understand what he is asking for now. All I can do is tell Owen to keep trying, that I’m there for him. How do you explain to your child that you don’t understand them. This causes frustration for him and tears to fall for me. I tell him to keep trying. “Use your words”, I say, knowing that’s easier said than done. I waited for years for Owen to be able to talk to me, to even look at me in the eyes; some days both are still hard for him and emotional for me. There is victory in our days and that is what keeps me going. Today I’m thankful for his progress and together we will walk hand and hand through time. Never give up on the miracle yet to happen. Through rain, the sun will shine. My son shines every day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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I feel like I’m on the elevator of life. One minute you’re up, the next minute you’re down, and you really need to be in between. To say Owen is doing amazing is an understatement. The incredible progress he is making is a joy to watch. And then there is this overwhelming sense of being overwhelmed that hits you out of nowhere. Okay, so it comes from the screaming and life, but some moments feel very in control and other times all I want to do is cry. We went to church and on the way there he talked about it raining. One night we saw deer in a pasture near the church and now he asks about them. When we got to the spot he said, “it’s raining deer”. He went on yelling “rain deer rain deer”. Now I wanted to know if he understood the significance of “rain deer” and “reindeer”. I wondered if he thought they were the same thing and which one he was really saying. He fascinates me with his thinking process and his words. We went to the mall to ride the elevators. When we got on them he started reciting the words from different reviews he watched about elevators. Most of his words were indistinguishable but I could tell by his tones and the repeated gestures what he was talking about. He didn’t want to leave. We could ride elevators all day and I think he would love it. In the car riding home, his screams came crashing over me and I started to cry. He couldn’t explain everything he wanted to say to me so he screamed some more. He threw his tablet down, yelling, “why ya mad”. My heart exploded. I know it’s hard on him when he can’t express his feelings and it’s emotional for me. Today I focus on how far he’s come, learning to let go of my own emotional cement that keeps me rooted in the past, and knowing that tomorrow is a brand new day. Don’t let yesterday keep you from going after your dreams. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I can tell you I am never quite sure what day it is or what direction I’m going. Owen woke at “three in the I’m too sleepy to think morning” and asked for his teacher. I seriously had to think about what day it was and what I needed to say. I quickly said it’s nighttime and told him we needed to go back to sleep that it would be Saturday. He started talking to me about the coffee shop and bowling. I put a squash to the talking and told him we had to go to sleep. One of us followed the rules, the other wanted to talk about his day. Luckily about an hour later he fell back asleep. He woke an hour later asking about the day again. And I had to think if I had slept for a whole day. He was ready to go and I was in slow motion. In the last few days, I feel like he has made incredible progress; asking for things he wants and doing things he hasn’t done before. I’m amazed we are still on the potty train with no derailments during the day and only two times he’s been wet at night but with the Depends guard to the rescue. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders even though I’m so very stressed. Owen’s smile gets me through my days. He keeps me inspired even when I’m having those rough moments. I’m learning to focus more on the positive side of life and that we will get through this together. Every day I see a little more of the miracle unfolding and I know that Owen will accomplish great things. I’m so excited by how far he has come and I reflect on the big changes he has made. Never give up on the miracle yet to be seen. Find your strength and keep pushing forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen slept all night again and he was dry when he woke up. It feels like a very successful night. In the last week, Owen has been falling asleep in my arms. It feels like a good time to try to transition him to actually falling asleep in his bed. This has not always gone well nor been beneficial to a calm nighttime process. I have a huge pillow in the living room that he generally falls asleep on, asking for the blanket over him, and the lights have to be on. If the lights are turned off this can add hours to the process. But I feel like we are so close to being able to slowly transition the routine. His falling asleep in my arms is now helping the process so I think if I can find a way for him to want to be in his bed that will help. New sheets to the rescue. I’m hoping that changing the style of his sheets and also adding a compression sheet will help him. The compression sheet is fitted on his bed and allows him to sleep under it, providing a little more push on him as he sleeps. He has been requesting “big hug” as he falls asleep every night, wanting me to give him joint compressions. Deep breath. I try not to even think about what all this means. I pray that my baby finds comfort in all of these things. The hardest thing for me is not always knowing what Owen needs or wants. But then I see the growth, I hear his words and I know that miracles are happening. When I picked Owen up from school he came to me with a book he was “reading”. I stood there with him and he read it to me several times. The joy in his eyes to read his book to me brings tears to my own eyes. His teacher let him bring the book home. He read to me the entire way home, reciting the words he knows, and the pages he likes. He only stopped to tell me directions a few times and screamed once at the meltdown light, but here was my little boy reading all the way home. There is no greater joy than watching a miracle grow right before your eyes. Focus on the positive side of life, know that you are important, and you can do amazing things. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Last night I said a little prayer and I told Owen that I hoped he could sleep later than five. I woke a little after five and my dude was still asleep. I heard him running through the house a few minutes later and there he was with his tablet, but heck we made it past five. I knew he needed to go potty so that was our first destination. In over a week he has only been wet twice at night, with the Depends guards saving the day, but oh how this all feels like amazing success. During the day he has not had any accidents in over a week. This is not an overnight success story but it is an amazing journey that feels like it did happen overnight. Owen woke peaceful and content this morning. He seemed very focused, but calm. Those do not always go hand and hand. He has been stimming a lot more than usual the last few days and it seems to be more a vocalization of his emotions. He has been doing a constant humming sound, almost like he is reciting the same thing over and over to get it perfect. He watches product reviews for things like elevators, vacuums, and apps and then recites them. He says as many words as he can and then some of the words come out as a hum or as a jumbled sound of words I can’t distinguish, but he laughs with utter delight as he says the words. The key is he is happy. He had a great day at school. His teacher sent me pictures of his day and I see my boy thriving and growing. And boy, oh boy, am I thankful. Never give up hope. I tell Owen every single day he is amazing and he can accomplish anything he sets his mind out to do. Positive words and positive actions equal a positive life. Find your strength, dream your dreams out loud, and know that you can accomplish great things. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I think I’m cranky again. So okay, I know I am. No sleep is no fun. Owen woke at some point, got into bed with me, but fell asleep quickly. However, he didn’t want to sleep in the little cocoon area I have on my bed for him, he wanted to sleep with his feet across me. I always worry he is going to fall out of my bed even though I have a rail on the side. He slept the rest of the night and woke ready to see his teacher. He asked about school and going to church. I told him we had a couple of minutes to get ready and he cried out for his teacher. I said he would see her soon. On these days I’m thankful and anxious. He goes to a new school next year and he’ll have a new teacher. I know that he will be able to transition through all of this but on the days that he screams for his teacher I try to figure out how to prepare him for his future. How do I explain any of it when he is happy with how everything is going now. This morning as we were getting ready to go to the bus stop I notice it was drizzling. I almost didn’t even take the umbrella because it was raining so lightly. I grabbed the umbrella anyways and headed to the bus stop. Owen stopped numerous times to bend over and look at how his pant leg was falling on his shoe. The longer we stood at the bus stop the harder it rained and the later it seemed the bus was. Owen wanted to play in the puddles that were quickly forming, I kept trying to keep him under the umbrella. I thought why didn’t I bring us in the car. I saw the bus turn the corner. All I had to do was get him over the big puddles and into the bus. Well, I got him over the puddles but he was bound and determined to stomp in them anyways. It made me think one step at a time. Let the moment go, be kind to your own heart, and through the rain, the sun will still shine. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I really am not sure what time Owen got into bed with me but it was somewhere between sleep time and I really want to be asleep time. He woke excited. I should know when he is excited there will be no more sleep but yet I still try. He wanted to go to school. More specifically he wanted his teacher and he wanted to go to school right then to see her. He had me go through all the days of the week with him and what he would be doing. My brain wanted sleep. He kept going. He wanted me to get up and he was running through the house turning the lights on. At this point I know it was somewhere around three. I told him that it was nighttime and he needed to go back to bed. This threw him into a meltdown. He wanted his teacher and he wanted her right that moment, there was no convincing him differently. Somehow I had to calm him and convince him that he would see his teacher in a few hours. He slowly accepted that he would still see her. There’s a teacher planning day next week, right in the middle of the week. This is already a concern for me. I never know how far in advice to warn him of a change in his schedule. In the last month, he has become even more aware of his routine, wanting to repeat it over and over again. We have a calendar that shows what he is doing but he wants to talk about it, going through all of the steps, repeating all of the steps with me several times. We never went back to sleep. We met the bus a few hours later and he couldn’t have been happier when he saw the bus “turn de corner” to get him. The smile that washed over his face is what keeps me going. Find your smile and share it with the world because you never know who it might help get through their day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Crunch crunch crunch I hear. Owen is stepping on one of his veggie straws he dropped on the floor. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. And some days I wonder what do I even say about this stomping of a veggie straw all over the floor or food squished between his toes. It’s sensory input I tell myself. And I take deep breaths, a lot. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a fog all the time, holding an octopus playing a harp in one hand and a slinky in the other. I never know which way I’m coming or going. Owen wasn’t dry when he woke up this morning but the Depends guard did its job. I was wondering how it would work and it did beautifully. I have a feeling he won’t be dry tonight either. It seems like he can go about four nights a week and stay dry. When he came home from school he started asking about the slides. “Wanna go to the slide”, he said. Then he said, ”sing happy birthday to my friend and eat lunch first pwease”. He went back to talking about the slides. “Wanna slide pwease” and he proceeded to sing “happy birthday dear friend” many times through the night. I told him we could go different day but this felt incredible. He doesn’t normally talk about his day or what he wants besides the routine of it all. And here he was going through all the steps from yesterday. My heart rejoices in these moments and sees my son shine. On the way home he asked me about every day of the week and what we were doing, waiting for my reply about the day, and then saying “but I have to”, again waiting for my reply of “you have to go to sleep first”. He is now falling asleep in my arms, holding his light catcher basket, opening his eyes when every noise in the house sounds off. You never realize how many sounds a quiet house makes until you hear every noise through the expressions of your child. Today I had an incredible day, mixed with emotions, but full of joy. Find joy throughout your day, rejoice in the little things, and slide through life with a smile on your face. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Today felt like a perfectly imperfect day. But was successful in so many ways. My sweet baby O is growing and I feel like his progress has been amazing. In the last few weeks, it seems like things are all clicking into place for Owen. He’s been doing great with potty training. I almost feel like I could use the words potty trained but the real-world experience still scares me. He’s been completely dry four nights in a row. Victory I tell ya, victory. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop but my sweet baby O is growing right before my eyes. Words and sounds intermingled today in a singsong manner. It makes me wonder what’s going on with his body. His stimming increases when he is learning or processing something new. It also changes through growth spurts I’ve found. We went to a birthday party at an indoor playground. A year or so ago we tried to go to the same place but Owen had a huge meltdown in the parking lot and wouldn’t even get out of the car. He didn’t know what the place was and I really couldn’t explain it to him but the meltdown could have been from anything and I remember it lasted for hours. That memory is long gone now. We went, he even let me take off his shoes because they are only allowed to wear socks on the playground, and he eventually took off his jacket. He sang Happy Birthday, ate a tiny bit of ice cream, and went down the slides more times than I could count. He had a downright awesome time. I’m thankful for the parents and kids that helped with Owen, encouraging him, and showing him around. We were there for almost two hours and he did incredible, only getting upset a couple of times, but following instructions beautifully. That’s more than I could have dreamed of in an overwhelming setting. I’m thankful we had the opportunity to go again. We both grow in these moments and I learn to push us both even when sometimes I want to hide under a rock. Don’t let yesterday keep you from the joys of today. Find your motivation and let the world see you shine. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I walked through a prayer today with a friend. It seems like sometimes our joy is broken and we don’t even realize it or know how to move through it. Owen slept through the night. For this, I am extremely grateful. I feel like I am slowly catching up on my sleep even though exhaustion always sits on my soul. Today has been a great day with the edges a bit tattered but there’s my little ball of energy so happy and content in his sounds and movements. I’ve asked Owen to use his words a lot in the last few days. It seems like he has been making more sounds than actually using his words but there are still moments where he is full of words. As if on cue, he comes running to me, making noises but then says, “big hug” jumping into my lap. I think he could sense my emotions were getting stronger, I was on the verge of tears, and here he came. He has hummed consistently today, using his words here and there but he has used his voice all day as a way to calm himself in his own way. It’s part of his stimming actions to soothe himself. He will pace, jump up and down, hold his hands out moving them about, and make sounds, amongst other things. I have asked Owen to sing many times today, almost begging him, so that I could hear his words. My sweet baby O is growing and changing every day. I’m learning and growing too. I know I’m harder on myself than I should be but I overthink all the possibilities. Owen fell asleep in my arms once again, this makes several nights in a row. It’s a sense of peace that I didn’t even realize I needed but here it is. Today is one moment in time. Cherish the victories, let the stumbling blocks go, and know that tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
March 2024
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