The language train was speeding down the track. Owen figured out how to change his tablet so he could listen to the videos in numerous languages. He was watching the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and changing it between all that was offered. He laughed so hard mimicking all the words coming from his tablet. At first, I wasn’t sure what he was laughing at and then he walked up to me and said, “it’s in English”. I still wasn’t sure what he was referencing. I asked him to show me and there was a list of maybe twenty languages that he was going through to hear each of the characters talk. He was reading the name of the languages as he selected them. So much goodness in all of that. To hear Owen speak in other languages is amazing. I struggle not to overthink the holidays. Owen has gone to see Santa numerous times over the years but this year I haven’t tried to take him with everything going on. I see the anxiety it brings him when I do take him but this is the first year I feel like he is making any kind of connection to it being Christmas time. I asked him if he wanted to see Santa. His response is always “nope” but today as he was watching Christmas videos and I was asking him if he wanted to see Santa he kept running to the window looking for him. He sings Christmas songs all year long like they are another nursery rhyme. I do see the growth this year though. I talk to him about why we celebrate Christmas but I wonder if this confuses him more. He couldn’t settle tonight. It took him hours to fall asleep and he kept trying to squish himself between the mattress and the bedrail. Every time I think I have the bedrail figured out he finds a loophole in it. We’ve been through so many styles but on all of them he loves pushing the rail and the resistance they give him. He finally fell asleep hours after we started getting ready for bed. And here it is almost midnight and I’m up. Most likely he’ll wake a couple of times during the night and then no matter what my eyes generally pop open around five. One day maybe I’ll figure out the right combination of all of the sleep steps. Until then I’ll dream of the hope for tomorrow. His laughter carried me throughout my day and it filled my heart with gladness. Find your joy, share your smile, and know that you can move mountains if you want. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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I was hoping two nights of pretty good sleep would turn into a third but he woke early and energetic. Owen fell asleep easily last night but didn’t stay asleep for long. It’s one of the things that is so hard. If he could sleep through the night it would help him in so many ways. And it sure would help me too. He’s making so many connections now. I showed him pictures of different weighted blankets and asked him if he wanted the rocket ship or dinosaur design. Instead of answering directly he turned and started talking about his rocket ship. He began singing a made-up song, picking up his rocket ship that was on his trampoline. I figured he wanted the rocket ship but showed him one more pattern that had sea life on it. He saw the whale and he said, “how bout dis one”, his go-to phrase now when he likes something. I think any of the three would have made him happy because he has dinosaurs in his bedroom, rocket ships are something he loves because of originally watching them on the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and the sea life he loves at bath time and especially “de whale”. He has a large weighted blanket that he goes back and forth on if he uses it but I’m getting him a small one for the car. I’m hoping it will help with his anxiety and sensory issues he has when he is in the car. He gets so upset when we have to stop for any reason, yelling at me that’s it’s green, even if we aren’t at a light. We shall see how he feels about the blanket and new activities I have planned for car rides. I taught him how to use Siri on his tablet. He loves all of the different languages so I asked Siri to translate “I want chocolate milk please”. Owen laughed and laughed and laughed with delight as Siri sprang to life answering all the language requests he made over and over again. I was happy for the laughter today. The stress has been overwhelming for a while so to have that laughter did my heart good. “Are you happy today”, his words dancing through my head. Yes, my sweet baby O I am happy today. Find your happiness, celebrate your joys, and know that you can do great things if you set your mind to it. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I’ve been reading with Owen every day and I got him a couple of new books. One of them was called Corduroy. As soon as I told him the name of the book he broke out into song. “Corduroy corduroy corduroy corduroy corduroy”, he sang to the tune of Old MacDonald, then immediately went into “dashing through the snow with a one horse sleigh”. I love when he sings his own version of songs. He’s like my budding little songwriter. I’m always amazed what he sings and how he puts it together. He has an amazing tone to his voice as well. He plays his different instruments and will sing his own version of songs. The other day he was sitting in his chair with his foot strumming his ukulele, singing at the top of his lungs, watching a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episode. It amazes me how the episodes he loved as a toddler he still loves today. When we were done reading his books I went to fix breakfast. He was still sitting on the couch playing on his tablet. I opened a drawer and he was beside me before I could even get the utensils out. I closed the drawer as his foot was tapping and the squeal was starting. He stood inspecting the now closed drawer and each drawer near it. This is becoming a new thing for him. It’s beyond hard for him to see something out of order even if nothing is ever in order he sees an order in our chaos. He was going to spend the day with his grandma. When we got in the car it wouldn’t start. He doesn’t understand when things randomly don’t go as planned and how do you explain a broken car. I took the key back out of the ignition and this was all he could handle. He started screaming to put the key back in. The waterfall of words moved in and out of saying words that fit the situation and others where he couldn’t process what was happening. I had to get him to go back inside the house. Luckily my friend came to jump the car and we were shortly on our way. He asked me, “are you happy today”. I told him that he makes me happy. We grow and learn together, working through are emotions. His smile keeps me moving forward. Follow your dreams, learn to let go, and know that tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Just a hundred yesterdays ago I wondered if Owen would talk. I had to believe he would, I told him he could do it, and I had to stay positive about it, but I still questioned it. The doctors told me he might not talk but I kept reminding Owen he could do anything he set his mind to. And today my boy is talking up a storm, singing in French, and screaming at the tv in Spanish. Well, it seems like he is screaming in every language now. The connections he is making are incredible. He was singing, “red orange yellow green blue”, with an episode of the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and playing his xylophone that has the colors as the notes. He was hitting the colors as he was singing. He was full of energy today, much more than me. He doesn’t understand that I can’t handle all of his emotions and my emotions at the same time. He also doesn’t understand that I can not instantaneously do something he wants. He will stick his tablet right in my face or in my hands wanting me to help him, screaming if I don’t jump to attention. I try to get him to understand we have to work together and that he has to wait a minute sometimes. I tell him to ask for help so I know that he wants me to do something. It’s still a hard concept for him. He did his own countdown for bed but kept adding five more minutes to the timing. I tried to do bedtime a little differently hoping it wouldn’t take three hours again, instead it took two and I fell asleep waiting for him to fall asleep. The fake snoring gets me every time. I dream of what’s to come for tomorrow and I know that he will keep growing and growing. Find your strength, believe in the hope of tomorrow, and know that you are important. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen stood as close as he could to the tv screaming French phrases and then singing a Spanish song as something completely different was playing on the screen. All of these words and songs he learned from watching Disney Junior on YouTube. I’ve always thought he considers all languages as one big happy language and the older he gets I’m pretty sure I’m right. I’m slowly getting him to ask for the other languages though. He now asks for Disney Junior in “Latina”, “Italianana”, “Germaaan”, “Spanisd”, and “Frenche”. He also asks for “avocado” but I think he is trying to say a cooking show’s host’s name. Plus, he asks for it in other languages that I can’t even distinguish. And the stronger his English becomes the more he asks me to find videos in all of these languages. Trying to convince him I cannot say all the words in all the languages frustrates him to no end. And then the screaming is out of control. I’m taking a different approach now and hoping that he will realize we don’t scream at each other. One step at a time I remind myself. He understands no personal space. He will get an inch from my nose or walk up and pull my hair out of the blue. We talk about it all the time and tonight he actually walked up to me, got real close to touching my hair but didn’t. Five minutes later he did though. He jumps constantly through our house. We have a small trampoline and lots of sensory toys but he still jumps up and down a lot. I can feel my whole house shake when he does it and I keep wondering when we will end up in the basement. I think we might need to add a little support to the floors. It took him three hours to fall asleep. “One plus one ecos two two plus two ecos fours fours ecos touch the monster’s eyes to wake it up it’s time to go to sweep” and this is where the fake snoring begins. “It’s time to go to sleep night night everybody”, he continued and then more fake snoring. I didn’t know one can fake snore for an hour but one can. His words are filled from videos and apps that he plays. He kept laughing, jumping all over the bed, and then he gave himself several high fives and finally calmed down enough to fall asleep. This momma is tired today and possibly a little cranky but according to Owen “you happy today” so I will let his smile guide me. Don’t give up on the happiness yet to come. Keep pushing forward and know that tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I woke up with a start. Owen was yelling at me. I really couldn’t even comprehend what he was saying. I looked at the clock. It had a three in it. Without my glasses, I couldn’t see exactly what time it was but certainly not time to wake up and definitely not time for him to be screaming at me. I was still way too asleep to be thinking about what he was yelling about. I sat up and he calmed down. He wanted his tablet. I told him no and my being awake got that potty train rolling. This made Owen even madder. It didn’t matter. I had to go. Sometimes I forget that I’m in charge and have to run the ship even if I think I’m going to run it aground. I told him that we don’t yell at each other and that we were going back to bed after he went potty. Oh boy, that was fun. More screaming. I had put my glasses on and realized it wasn’t even three o’clock. His screams rock me during the day but at night it’s like ice on my spine. You don’t know why or how long the screams are going to last. And it’s the middle of the non-sleeping night momma can’t think through every scenario. Somehow I convinced him to get back in bed. He was asleep in seconds. Me, every single noise was a noise. All I can do is pray. He seems to only sleep through the night right now if I sleep in his bed. At least one of us gets sleep. It’s like sleeping with an octopus that wants to explore all the ends of the earth while reciting French, thinking about being at a football recital that doesn’t know if it should be playing a game or dancing the waltz. So I’m tired. He woke up refreshed and ready to party. I opened a drawer in the kitchen. He yells, “you done”, comes rushing into the kitchen, and slams the drawer closed. He can’t handle any of the drawers being open at all now. I go back and forth with him explaining that drawers can be opened and then they are closed. I let him open them, close them, we work on the timing of how long the drawers can be open, I’ve named the drawers and I’ve even begged him to get over it. That last one didn’t even register for him. It’s the process. Not long ago the door lock bothered him so he has moved forward. Tomorrow will be a brand new day. His smile, hugs, and random “I wuv ewe” throughout the day is what keeps me going. Give yourself credit for moving forward. Today is a stepping stone for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
What stage of acceptance are you at for anything, everything, today, tomorrow, the future. I keep pondering the question that has no answers and no ending. The Queen of overthinking reporting for duty once again. The things that should make Owen sleepy generally have the opposite effect on him. I gave him a lavender bath. Before the bath, he was yawning and could hardly keep his eyes open but he always has to take a bath. We must do the routine. I very rarely use lavender because he likes to drink the bath water and I have to watch him like a hawk when he has soap in the tub. He got out of the tub like he was ready to take a five-mile run and two hours later he’s finally asleep. He would almost be asleep and then pop up, get not even an inch from my nose, and scream. I have to remind myself of the victories. The dude is growing. He climbed in my lap today and I thought he is solid as a rock, all muscle, and must have gained ten pounds. For early breakfast, he ate cereal and two waffles. We got up at five so there was a lot of time for second breakfast that consisted of eggs. I asked if he wanted some and he said no but he ate at least one before I asked if he wanted more. He said, “one more time”. So I gave him a little more. And then he ate mine off my plate when I got up to get more coffee. The bottomless pit continued. Not an hour later he asked for veggie straws and he said, “you want a donut”. Unfortunately, we had no donuts and he really doesn’t like sweets anyways. He has become a typing machine. He wanted to find animal sounds on YouTube. He had it pulled up on the tv. He started typing in “a n i m” saying the letters as he typed and when animal sounds came up in the list he selected and said, “hello zebra”. I am trying to teach him how to find things. He has no concept of where things are located. Like tonight I asked him to take the water jug from the front door to the kitchen. I broke it down in steps for him but he has a hard time working through each step and stopping for further instructions. Plus, he doesn’t understand when I say a location like floor or ceiling. I finally got close to him and walked him through each step. When he carried the jug to the kitchen I asked him multiple times to sit it down but that process was hard he brought it back in the living room until I made him take it back in the kitchen. I am celebrating that he got it to the kitchen. One step at a time we grow and together we walk forward. Find your happiness, share your joy, and let the world see your smile. Smiles to all and donut daze!
To say I’m tired is an understatement. I’m not sure if emotional is before or after tired in the list but here I sit. The yelling is getting louder and more often. Owen can quickly read me and he sees how yelling immediately snaps me to attention. It’s hard to not show any emotions towards the screams. Some of his screaming isn’t used as an attention-getter but instead, it’s a reaction to something he doesn’t understand or can’t emotionally process at that moment. And I’m sure there is even more to it than I understand. There is no way to even explain the pandemic to him and how things are taken away as quickly as they are given back. He’s not sleeping much which means I’m not sleeping at all. This isn’t new but it’s one of those times where I wish we could sleep. He randomly yells, “goat” or “toaster” when we are working through emotions or if he doesn’t know the answer to a question I have asked him. I haven’t figure out his connection to those words but there is usually a reason. He doesn’t always use the word that is associated with the object. Like “birthday candle” meant “toenail” until recently and still occasionally says it. He also understands a lot more languages than I can even imagine and he certainly doesn’t understand why I don’t. He was watching the 101 Dalmatians. He would stop on the same dog each time that looked like it was frowning. He would say, “he sad ot oh” each time. I figure he has 101 emotions that he needs to work through. He then started watching it in Spanish. He stopped at the same place each time. French came next when he pulled up a different video and started serenading me with the song. All languages are like one big happy language to him. I told him he could have apple juice for lunch. He said, “no” but drank it. Before I poured his glass I asked him if he would rather have grape juice. He didn’t reply so I gave him the apple juice. For dinner, he asked for grape juice and drank it supporting a huge grape juice mustache. This is a big thing for him because chocolate almond milk is his go-to drink and about the only sweet thing, he truly has, unlike his momma who would love it if I lived on a ‘desserted’ island. I was reminded throughout the day how much his smile is what keeps pushing me forward. Through hidden tears and crocodile ones that fell to the floor I grew today. Find your motivation and keep moving forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
And so he read and read and read. The river trend continued today. Owen still wanted that same video. But I think he wanted to read with me more. He ate a ton of food throughout the day. We started with biscuits and gravy. I always try to decide if he is left-handed or right-handed. He picked up the fork and ate it using his right hand and just as quickly as that bite was in his mouth he picked up a piece with his left hand and put it in his mouth. I really want him to use the fork but I figure if he gets more in him than on him it's worth it. With biscuits and gravy, it's about equal. He was watching a video and singing with it. He paused it and then started singing his scales, all on his own, sitting at the table, in between bites of veggie straws. Today felt like lots of small victories but truly huge emotional moments as well. He wanted to push my buttons but he also had those moments where he couldn’t seem to complete the cycle so he could move on. He got fixated on another video but he couldn’t find the one he wanted so for over two hours he asked me to find the exact same thing. He would then screech at the top of his lungs with his toes slamming the floor. My nerves were shot. The screaming takes a grinding toll on you after a while. So I suggested we read more books. At one point he realized he immediately needed his scooter and he ran to his room to get it. He pushed himself backwards on it for over an hour. I made hot dogs for dinner. He took one bite and ran from it. I knew he liked hot dogs but I didn’t push it. He asked for shrimp so I started cooking them. By the time I put the shrimp down for him he had already devoured his hot dog, started on one of mine, and then ate all the shrimp. We finished out our emotional day with him screaming and spitting at me in bed. He asked me, “you happy today” and started crying. My heart rejoices his victories and cries when he cries. All I can do is hold him and pray for a better day. Find your strength, move forward, and know that tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Today we’ve read a lot of books. I figured out how that little gleam in Owen’s eyes worked. He decided right away to go sailing down that same river and we were stuck on the video to start our day off. I wasn’t going to have it. I told him he had to find the video himself. Well, he did. He spelled the name of the video but every time he watched it he put the tablet right in my face. I told him the next time he did it he would not have his tablet. “One more again”, he said, and there it was an inch from my nose with the gleam in his eyes. So the tablet was taken away and I had him sit next to me, reading a book. I think today might be the record for how many books can be read in one day but I told him every time he did it we would read. The first two times he was not happy and then after the tenth time we read a book I do believe he found what he really wanted to do for the day. I lost track after that. He was getting frustrated at one point when something wasn’t coming up on his tablet and I was trying to calm him. I was starting to get frustrated too. I told him to count to ten. Instead, he blurted out, “I love you”. I always say it to him when he is upset or after he has asked me something ten times. It felt like a victory to hear those words because it calmed us both. He’s working through the emotions and how to use them plus recognizing them in others. He was watching a video on Facebook that he always calls “the movie”. He loves the music that it plays from the drums but now he has started paying attention to all the emotions. He saw the happy face and promptly started talking about being happy. I rejoiced. It’s the greatest feeling knowing that he is starting to understand what a smile is and how to be happy. My joy comes from seeing my sweet baby O grow and learn. Never give up, find your happiness, and share your story. There is always someone that needs to hear it and can relate. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
March 2024
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