“Sorry”, he said. Owen had a rough night. No school means that it’s hard for us. Any break is a break and that causes him to stress. He screamed for a few more minutes about “no school no school” and then said, “I wuv ewe”. It was another hour and a half before he calmed down enough to fall asleep. I have to stay strong, I have to not crumble, but I want to cry for my baby. Cry for me. It’s emotional. Completely and totally emotional. He can’t process everything that he is going through and he is still learning coping skills for how to handle when life doesn’t go according to plan. He will repeat the same words for hours wanting the comfort of me telling him what he is doing. I often wonder if trying to prepare him for his next day’s events makes it even harder for him. I have a dry erase calendar of his schedule and he will often run to it erasing the days with his hands. I try to prepare him for changes, but he thrives on routine and his schedule. Even when it is something he wants to do it takes a while for it to be routine and can still affect his day. Yesterday he went to his first gymnastics class. I knew he would love it. I didn’t know how well he would do with the instructions, but I knew that he would love the activity. The instructor was amazing with him, giving him time to adjust to each exercise, and still keeping him on task. He let Owen be Owen and it was fabulous to watch. My sweet baby O caught on quickly to many of the activities and it all exceeded my expectations. He is a natural-born climber and scared of nothing so this may be the perfect sport for him. I think it will certainly help his focus, not only on the task at hand, but with his surroundings. It has always been one of my greatest concerns, because he understands no fears, that he will fall or jump off of something that is too high. I hope that Owen might sleep all night after such a rough bedtime, but like so many nights before he was awake in the middle of the night climbing into bed with me. Through all of this, I cling to his words of love from last night. I know this is emotionally hard on my baby as well. Every day I’m thankful for the connections he is making and I pray that it will help him to understand more of the transitions in life. Even through your challenges remember today is one moment in time. Smiles to all and donut daze!
0 Comments
The days are all blending together. I felt like Owen made huge strides yesterday, but with that also came exhaustion from me. He is a constant ball of energy and I’m constantly drained of energy. The rules, the routine, the strategies, and constant noise keep my mind tumbling to stay one step ahead of Owen. Even now when I have a few minutes before I start my day I’m listening to the noise of the automatic vacuum cleaner refusing to pick up the beans from the sensory bin and veggie straws thrown around the room. I think that robot met its match when it moved in with us. I cried a lot yesterday. Happy tears, sad tears, and the thank you God tears when you see the lighted way. There were victories and challenges, but we got through them all. I went to bed knowing that my sweet baby O knows my heart. He woke this morning with one thing on his mind, “gym naStic natic natic”. I signed him up for gymnastics and he starts today. I explained to him last week that we were going. We had gone to a birthday party at a gym and he loved playing in the big foam pit and walking on the balance beam. I’m hoping that it will help him learn more hand and eye coordination, not to mention safety and that his surroundings are important. He will walk down a set of stairs without a care in the world, backwards, forwards, sideways, and not think twice about it. If he was careful it would be one thing, but he doesn’t always look where he is walking. I’m ready to see my sweet baby O spread his wings a little more when we go to his gymnastics lesson. It’s at a place we’ve not been before so sometimes that causes him anxiety when we don’t go down the expected roads, but the journey will be well worth the roads we travel. Never give up. Look at the possibilities of what the day will hold and focus on that moment. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The words are flowing, but the raw sentences do not always twist and turn to explain what Owen means. He stood in our front window. Halfway on the ledge and halfway on the couch banging on the window. I was begging him to get down and he was begging for people to leave. “Tell then bye bye”, he said repeatedly, with a squeal in his voice. I could see no one around. He went on, “see the puppy”. There was also no dogs near our house. The view from our window has become a new source of anxiety for him. I’m not sure which people and which dogs he refers to since we have encountered so many over the years near our house. He gets upset when people park near our house and don’t leave when he thinks they should. And if people come to our house this can also upset him for days. Sometimes it’s fine, it depends on the person, or how he is handling things for the day, but other times he sits at the window trying to explain his emotions. My heart explodes with my own emotions. How do you explain that life is happening right outside our window and there is nothing we can do to change it. One day at a time. I pray, I rejoice the victories, and I try to remind us both of the patience we need through life. His progress is amazing to watch as he figures out how to express himself and to get what he wants. Even through those moments of struggle I focus on the progress, I have to. This morning he got to see his beloved moon on our walk to his bus stop. He was excited to see the bus come around the corner and off he went to school. On the walk back to our house I got a pebble in my shoe. It makes me think about walking a mile in Owen’s shoes. I always wonder if he understands how to tell me if his shoe is bothering him. But his words give me hope and I can see how he is learning to express himself. We learn, we grow, and together we are a team. Know that today is one moment in time. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen’s ready for church, been ready for church, and wants to go to church now. I’m thankful that he loves going. And I love how they embrace my child. He goes to a special needs classroom and they work with each individual in a way that helps them grow. This morning he woke in a great mood, but not wanting me out of his sight. Anytime I walked into the other room he yelled for me to sit down. He would come racing after me and if I turned on the lights he would tell me to “turn de light offT”. We were up at five in the morning so it was still dark in the house. The kitchen and the living room are the approved lights to be on most of the time. Occasionally he still has meltdowns over them, but generally, we can work through them without him going into a meltdown. However, the hall light, bathroom, and our bedrooms are a different story. During certain times of the day, he does not want them on at all except the bathroom when we go to the potty. He never wants the hall light or my bedroom light on. My bedroom light I had to work with him daily to even allow me to turn it on without the kind of meltdown that would last for hours. I would have to use the flashlight on my phone to keep him from screaming. His bedroom and now the bathroom light have to be on as soon as we get home from any outing. He immediately runs through the house turning on the lights. He starts in the living room, but it’s like he is doing a choreographed dance with the switch. He hovers his finger over it almost not wanting to touch it. Then he goes to the kitchen and the other rooms. Throughout the day he will make sure the lights are exactly how he wants them in the other rooms. I know that Owen can feel the vibrations of the electricity running through our house. He is not only sensitive to the lights themselves but the actual noise the electricity makes. One day at a time I remind myself, knowing how far we have come. I always tell him he is my son shine and he makes me happy when skies are grey. I’m thankful for the gift of my son and we are a team. Together we will move the mountains that need to be moved and climb the ones that can’t be moved. Find your inspiration and motivation and the rest will follow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
“Apple zoos pwease”, he said, continuing on, “I would like some apple zoos and chicken pwease”. Owen kept repeating “apple zoos”. It took me a minute to realize he meant apple juice. He kept going, “water and pancake”. He was making his breakfast menu, I guess. I told him I was making him a pancake sausage dog and I didn’t have any apple juice, but he could have water. He doesn’t generally drink a lot of juice for me, but I will certainly make sure I get some apple juice today. I put water on his table and he already had his chocolate almond milk. That’s his go-to drink. He was gluten and dairy free for years and I truly believe that was the right choice for him, but in the last few months, I have been giving him more food choices. When I made the decision to take him off dairy within a few days he was starting to talk. The process of changing his diet was met with lots of emotions for both of us, but I knew we had to try. Those were a rough first few weeks. He was drinking tons of whole milk a day. At the time it hadn’t been confirmed he had autism, but I knew he was delayed. I found a video about the brain-gut connection and saw many similarities with Owen. From there we went to a specialist and she helped us with supplements and learning about the body. This is the path that worked for us. The dude is ready to start our bowling adventure. He’s had a great morning “reading a book to mommy” and working on math problems. He has memorized many books and wants to sit with me and tell me the stories. A few weeks ago he became more interested in math problems as well. He can count to two hundred and he is attempting simple math equations, but he still needs help to figure out the answer. I’m watching him jump on his trampoline, matching words with pictures on his tablet while grinning the entire time. The joy he has for learning makes this momma happy. Life is not always easy to explain, but the love sure is. Find your inspiration and motivation and watch your world change. Smiles to all and donut daze!
It’s Valentine’s Day. We sang Christmas songs yesterday. And the day before that. People tell me all the time that life will get easier and I say no it just gets different. We are all faced with challenges. What we have to remember is to keep pushing forward. I look at Owen and I see all the obstacles he has overcome and how every day he is learning something new. He doesn’t have a connection to the holidays yet, but we celebrate through song and love. When Owen woke for the second time, the first time was too early to even think about, I wished him a happy Valentine’s Day. I leaned over and kissed him on the top of his head. He smiled from ear to ear. He leaned in again, wanting another kiss. He did this several more times and started giggling. The sparkle in his eyes makes my heart happy. Owen’s speech teacher wanted us to work more on adjectives with him. He does well with some of his descriptive words like colors and is great with numbers and letters, but knowing if something is bigger or smaller than another object he doesn’t always understand or he does and is not sure how to explain it. Also, Owen will do something for me that he won’t do at school or he’ll do something at school that he doesn’t necessarily do at home. Rules and routine play a big part in how Owen processes something. If a certain person works on a particular skill with him he associates it with the whole learning experience and may only want to do it with that same scenario. The more we repeat certain skills the more he is willing to do them. Today I handed Owen a new book I got for him. His whole face lit up with excitement. I’m thankful my sweet baby O loves learning and I’m grateful for everything he has taught me. Never give up. Through the rain, the sun will still shine. Find your strength and be inspired by the world around you. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen woke in the middle of the night screaming. He actually made it to my bed before the screaming began. And then screaming quickly turned to him crying. I asked him if he was sick. He only somewhat understands the concept of being sick and can’t explain what he is feeling. I don’t know if he was scared or maybe he had a gas bubble that was causing him to be so upset. He laid there for a minute, but I told him that I needed to go potty, he should try too. Surprisingly he got up without hesitation and went. He was calmer at that point and showed no signs of sickness. I told him to go back to bed and I would be done in a minute. He follows me even if I tell him to stay in bed but usually he will go get back in my bed. Not today. I come out of the bathroom to all the lights on and his tablet going, it was one o’clock in the morning. I looked and he already got his milk and put it on his table, ready to start his day. I keep a cup of his milk in the refrigerator to work on his independence, letting him get it when he wants it. I put it in different locations so that he doesn’t have a certain expectation of where it will be. His expectations can cause as many problems for us as something not being there at all. I’m hoping that by showing him the cup is still in the refrigerator, but not necessarily where he expects it to be that it will help with other situations as well. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. I get overwhelmed thinking about the overthinking I need to do before the anxiousness sets in for both of us. The other day, and most days, Owen went through at least ten different requests for songs, wanted help with his tablet, and then ran off to the toilet in less than a minute’s time. He wanted answers to all of his questions. I have to breathe and answer what I can. The key is learning what helps us both move forward. Some days I feel like I’m spinning my wheels and other days I can see the huge accomplishments we both have made. Learning to be kind to myself can be one of the hardest steps I go through. I have to remember in life’s challenges we can let them weigh us down or we can grow from them. Find your strength and know that you are amazing. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen immediately started talking about getting in the car to go to the bus stop. I told him that it wasn’t raining so we would walk. He asks every day now to ride in the car, but most days we can still walk. We got outside and we started walking. We could see the moon. It was the first time we have been able to see the moon for weeks it seems. Between the cloud cover, fog, or rain we have been missing it. We don’t go out late too many nights so it’s mostly in our morning walks that we get to see it. When he looked up into the sky it was like he saw his long lost friend. I could watch each step of the process wash across his face in the moonlight. First, he had the excited phase. His eyes got big and his smile got wide. But then he gave it the look of why haven’t I seen you in a long time. He does this with people and now to watch him interact with the moon like this was incredible. He didn’t look directly at the moon. He kinda focused on it from the corner of his eyes. His nose wrinkled up and his smile became a little crooked on the side. He started making a tiny noise and kept walking straight. We got to the bus stop and I could see the excitement wash over him as he looked at the moon. He was processing it all. His bus came around the corner. When he got on the bus it was like he was almost hugging the steps again, happy to be on his beloved bus, then he turned around watching his friend the moon as the aide tried to convince him to go to his seat. He absolutely loves the moon. We talk about it, he watches videos, and he has many apps he plays with. He can quote facts that he has learned and I’m always shocked exactly how much information he stores. I got him a tiny projector that shows different space scenes and he wants to do “free two one blastoff” every night before bed. I have him count down and then I have the projected rocket ship fly on our ceiling across the room. We make rocket ship noises and do this several times. Nothing makes this momma happier than having her baby happy. Live life out loud and love the world around you. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Time, what’s that and how do you even try to explain it. One o’clock in the morning is the same as one o’clock in the afternoon to Owen. And that’s the new wake up time. He started singing a verse from The Wheels On The Bus an inch from my ear. It would have been my nose if I was laying a different direction. I told him mommy needed sleep that I was cranky and exhausted. He said, “you’re tired”. I had to laugh and applaud the huge connection he made. He wanted to get out of bed, ready to start his day. The requests started coming milk, school, and bathroom. My focus was on getting him back to sleep and not crying. He was in and out of sleep for the next few hours, always landing across my head at some point. I’m really not sure how to get him past that. In his sleep, he always finds a way to put his head on my head and grasp the finest hairs at the nape of my neck. This has always amazed me because he has a problem with fine motor skills, yet he can hold onto those tiny hairs. I spoke with his speech teacher and I was really excited to hear about his progress. Things that he couldn’t do at the beginning of the year he is able to do now. We talked about strategies and learning goals. I was inspired by his progress and hearing his speech teacher explain that he will now sit through the testing process was wonderful news. Owen does not always know how to respond to a question or understand the concept of something like big and small. Plus, he repeats everything multiples times, constantly until you respond to him. One step at a time, I remind myself, knowing that this is the little boy the doctors told me might not talk. Not only does he talk and sing, but he is thriving, growing, and making wonderful progress. I asked Owen to get his shoes this morning. He got them and instead of putting them on the floor where I asked him to he tried to put them on. Through his eyes, emotions, actions, and reactions I’m learning and growing. Never give up. Tomorrow is a brand new day and what seems like the impossible might just be the possible in tomorrow’s light. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I stared into my little boy's eyes yesterday wondering what he was thinking. I ask him questions all the time, searching for answers I know he can’t quite respond to yet, but I know it will all come together for him. In the last few days, he has been filled with anxiety and been on edge. I’m not sure if it’s the weather or something entirely different. Owen requested to be tickled a lot yesterday. I hold him on my lap, pulling his legs up towards his chest, and I will say to him “I’m going to tickle you”. Very few times do I actually tickle him, but he pushes his way in and out of my arms stretching and working his muscles. I feel like it is more of a therapy for him than anything. He laughs the whole time, but I still think he likes the input he is getting from the movements. He went through a stage where as soon as I would act like I was getting up from the couch, walk into another room, or go to the bathroom he would scream, tell me to sit, or follow me. He hadn’t done it consistently in a while. But this weekend he started doing all of it again. His anxiety seems very high. He walked up to one of the cabinets numerous times, kicking it. Attention getter or anxiety is what I have to go back and forth between. Before I can even remind him that we don’t kick or hit he will say the words, “we don’t kick”. He hasn’t wanted to play in any of his sensory bins in a long time or jump on his trampoline. Both were in full action this weekend. I’m getting him more beans for one of his bins. The cut-up pool noodles are so much easier to keep in the big totes we use, but he thoroughly enjoys the sensory input he gets from the dry beans we use. He loves sitting in the bin completely surrounded by the beans. He will pick them up by the handfuls, dropping them on his feet and legs. I’m trying to find breathing techniques that he can comprehend and use to help him through these moments of anxiety and restlessness. I remind myself to be patient with both of us. He doesn’t understand as much as I don’t understand what he is going through. All I can do is hold my baby tighter, pray for him to continue to thrive, and be kind to myself through the moments I feel like we are drowning. Life happens when you have something else planned. Find your strength and keep pushing forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
|
AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
February 2025
Categories |