They say no crying over spilled milk. Well then I’m not crying over not going bowling. That’s what I’m telling myself. No coffee shop. No bowling. No store shopping. I may or may not take Owen to my parents for a few hours, but he is having such a calm morning I don’t want to upset the apple cart. I’m wearing shorts and have my hair pulled back. The shorts went over easier than the hair being pulled back. Summer to winter, winter to summer are hard transitions for him because clothes and looks matter to him. My appearance has to be mommy picture perfect, looking the same all the time, my hair still being the greatest concern for him. When I put on my shorts he did what he always does. He starts with some sensory sounds, then starts chewing on the corner of his tablet case, next he walks backwards in front of me until he finally reaches out to pull on the hem of my shorts wanting them to be longer, sometimes he’ll bend down stopping right in front of me. This year he isn’t screaming about my shorts as much so that’s progress. He still comes and pulls on them randomly throughout the day and almost on cue he yells, “pants on”. My hair being pulled back or my glasses being off cause him to go into meltdowns as well. I’m trying to work through mommy’s appearance with him so he knows it’s me no matter how I look. I explained to him that I was going to pull my hair back. I sat in front of him slowly pulling it behind my head to put up. He wanted my hair down and the elastic band out of my hand. I pushed forward. I got it pulled back with only a few screams and a handful of attempts to pull it out. Throughout the afternoon he has walked up to me checking on my hair and shorts to make sure they still are the same. I try not to upset Owen about my hair, but there are times I want it back out of my face. I never imagined how much my appearance would affect him. All I can do is try to help him with the process. We learn, we grow, we love. He’s asked to play music and paint today. We’ve looked at his schoolwork and we’ve sung a lot of songs. Let the busy work keep us busy and moving forward. My heart is with the world and I’m thankful Owen is by my side. Share your joys, celebrate your victories, and remember today is one moment in time. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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I can say this morning was more emotional than I thought it would be. Not only did I wear shorts for the first emotional rollercoaster day of the changing seasons, but then Owen’s teacher sent a video to her students. This lead to an hour long meltdown. I thought he would be able to handle it, but it took him down spiraling into a meltdown. Generally videos he handles better than live chats, but I think this is all too much for him right now. And here I was in shorts. It’s hard for him to transition from one season’s clothes to the next. He wants me in pants until he gets used to the shorts and then it’s hard when the seasons change again. He would walk up to me tugging at my shorts to cover my knees. He will walk backwards in front of me and stop to look at how my shorts lay on my legs. Sometimes he laughs, sometimes he cries, and other times it’s a full-on scream, letting me know shorts should not be on the agenda yet. All day he has asked to be in “mommy’s bed”. I have laid in there many times with him today. I want to make my room his room and give him my bed. I truly think that would help him sleep better. He’s drawn to my room all the time. And maybe it’s because it’s my room, but I feel like there is more to it. Either way when I can get him transitioned into “mommy’s room” I’m not going to change the name to Owen’s room. Hopefully, that will help him with calm and comfort at night. After the morning meltdown, I tried to not push anything that might be hard on him. I know he can feel my emotions and the stress level is high for us both. As the day progressed I tried to make things as calm as possible for him. We worked on his lessons throughout the night, hoping to give him time earlier in the day to play and not stress about school and his teacher. Laying in bed tonight he yelled for his teacher repeatedly. Luckily he got distracted by “watching de movie”. I’m praying that tomorrow I can distract him enough with different activities since we won’t go bowling for the first time in almost two years. Through life’s challenges we learn, we grow, and we love. Take the moment to tell someone you love them. Know that you are amazing and tomorrow will be a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I tried to hold back the tears as I stood in front of the principal, picking up Owen’s school packet. I dropped him off with my mom while I went because I knew it would be too hard to explain to him why he couldn’t stay at school. Heck, it was too hard for me standing there with a thousand emotions running through my veins. He hasn’t stopped asking for school, his teacher, the bus, and everything else that should be part of his routine. I keep telling myself this is like summer and we have to get through it. That doesn’t help the tears for either one of us. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to hear Owen crying out for his teacher all day. Tears actually rained down Owen’s cheek. He cries, but generally, it’s crying that is a mix of emotions not soggy tears. These were huge crocodile tears. All I could do is hold him and tell him it was going to be fine. And remember that the screams of joy and happiness will continue to come like they are right now. I don’t know how to even begin to explain all of this to Owen and I have difficulty understanding it myself. The information keeps changing, but yet stays the same. We will be home indefinitely. I watched Owen cry those tears and I had to find a way to calm him when I wanted to cry the big tears too. We have been going bowling every Saturday for almost two years. In the grand scheme of life that’s the little things that keep us going. It took us years to work through going out, doing activities, and now Owen requests to go places. Every time we get in the car he wants to go someplace. “Let’s go eat”, he says. I worry, overthink, and cry at the possibilities this will bring more social anxiety back to him. One day at a time, lots of prayers, and thoughts that everything will be fine keep me going. We started with his lessons today and I downloaded more of the apps he uses for school. More joy washed over his face as he went through the activities. This is what I will continue to focus on, well I’ll give it my gung-ho all to focus on it. I remind myself, positive words and positive actions equal a positive life. The sun will shine again, the birds will sing, and tomorrow will be a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen woke this morning and was really calm. I figured one of us needs to be. My calm technically has to be there even when I’m not feeling calm because any emotion is an emotion for Owen. He can sense any change in me quicker than I can and if I breathe differently he starts wanting me to respond to him right away. Tomorrow we start doing his lessons that his teacher will provide to us. She is willing to help in any way she can with things like online chats or videos for the kids, but this is all so hard for Owen to understand. He doesn’t know why he isn’t in school and I keep trying to tell myself this is like summer, handle it like summer. Breaks are incredibly hard for him, no matter the reason, so I have to find ways to keep him focused and learning. However, when I mentioned school to him he started yelling for his teacher and asking when he was going to school. I told him we were going to work on his lessons together. Trying to explain this to him is not something he can comprehend. He started screaming louder. The more I tried to explain the louder he got. And then it was full meltdown all in less than a minute of me talking about school. His hands went to his ears, his foot started stomping the ground, and he screamed his teacher’s name over and over. I had debated whether I should say anything to him, but I wanted to also prepare him for doing the work ahead. It’s required that he do the schoolwork, and I totally agree with this, however, getting him to actually do the work in the none-school setting will be a different story. Owen associates activities with certain people or locations and his rules govern his reaction to these situations. He will use utensils for his teacher without even a consideration. When he is with me he has to be reminded constantly to do this. Writing his letters and numbers he will do easily for me, but not consistently with his teacher. I remind myself that all we can do is try and do the best that we can. I tell him all the time we are a team and we are in this together, learning as we grow. Through life’s challenges take one day at a time and know that you are not alone. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I saw a glimmer of understanding from Owen this morning and I felt relief that he might comprehend that he isn’t going to school for a while or the rest of the year. I explained to him what he was doing for the day and he said, “stay home”. Through tired eyes, I rejoiced his words, but went on to explain what he would be doing for the day. I might be tired and didn’t sleep through the night, but my boy sure did, all night in his bed. More rejoicing there. And then he got in my bed after six and slept for another thirty minutes. At this point I’m overwhelmed and overthinking everything. By Thursday we will receive schoolwork for Owen. All I keep doing is praying for forward progress for him. The boundaries for the rules he has in place for what he can do with certain people and at certain times will have to be pushed over the next few weeks or maybe months. The walls are shifting and new rules are made to break his previous rules, but the process is not always overnight. Many of the rules are associated with sensory and food issues. Many times my mom has cooked food at her house, only to have Owen not want to even be in the same room as the food. But then she’ll send it home with me and he eats every bite of it. He does this with the food he eats at school as well. And he knows his foods and what he’s eating. I have been mixing some vanilla almond milk with his beloved chocolate milk because the store was out of chocolate. He took one sip of the mixture and said, “shockuwit mulk pwease”. I told him it was his chocolate milk. He drank it, but I knew he was going to keep asking about it. This morning I gave him a full glass of the chocolate milk and he said, “no vanilla white chocolate milk”. It always amazes me how his brain processes everything. Thankfully I was able to get more of his milk for him, but it is a concern. I have been working on getting him used to other choices, but it’s still a process. When we are out someplace he can only have water or apple juice. This was a huge transition for me to not bring his cup full of his milk, but I knew we had to make this adjustment. I have been working with him on this for months and he still asks every time for his chocolate milk. He is now adding that he gets “water when I’m out”. I count the victories. I rejoice those moments. I try to let go of the things I cannot change even though I know I’m clinging onto them tightly. Focus on the positive side of life and the rest will follow. Today and always know you are not alone. Smiles to all and donut daze!
My mom always says, “life happens when you have something else planned”. Oh boy is she ever right. One day at a time seems long sometimes. How do I explain to my sweet baby O that he can’t go to school. One of the great things they are doing in our county is feeding the kids breakfast and lunch even though the schools are closed. It is being delivered by buses on the normal bus route or there are other arrangements as well. I want to cry with this alone. If we were to meet the bus to get Owen’s food then he would think he was going to get on the bus. We can’t go to his school and pick it up for the same reason. Of course, if Owen wasn’t with me it would be fine but one of the requirements is the child needs to be present. I understand the rules and I’m sure there are exceptions, but this is one of those moments that makes me realize how hard it is for Owen. When we came home today the first thing he said was “school”. I told him no he wasn’t going to school for a while. He stood there repeating “school” over and over again. Distracting him was not working. He moved on to say, “I have to go to sleep and then”. He waits for me to respond by telling him his next day's events. We go through this every day. He understands that going to sleep moves him to the next day. I’m not sure why he phrased it like that now, but I told him again he wasn’t going to school and he cried. My next words stopped him from crying, but I know he still doesn’t understand. I told him school was broken. In those words, my heart broke a little more, as well. He thrives on the routine of his world and here it is all crashing down on him. Any break is hard on him and I know we will have to work extra hard to keep him moving forward on growth. I keep going back to his last progress report when it was said that he had regressed since his holiday break and now here we are going into a longer break that might keep them out of school for the rest of the year. Then it’s summertime. I’m going to remind myself to concentrate on today and I’m listening to Owen’s laughter. That makes this momma’s heart happy. Find your happiness, make your dreams come true, and know that you are important. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Right now our world is changing. Our schools are out for at least two weeks for Owen because of the coronavirus. This also has affected large gatherings and many other entities across the world. My thoughts run to dietary concerns for so many, not to mention other daily needs. Supplies and food at some stores are limited. This makes me think of my sweet baby O. He was dairy and gluten free for many years and although I have opened his diet to more foods he still has foods that he requests. One of the best pieces of advice I was given early on by his therapist was to rotate his food choices and not let him see packaging. I didn’t quite understand the principle at first or the magnitude of how significant this would be for us, but as time went on I’m beyond thankful for this advice. She went on to explain that many people with autism have sensory issues with foods. It can be related to color, shape, smell, temperature, textures, and many other reasons. For something like chicken nuggets, I bought as many varieties as I could find. One night he would have one brand, the next a different brand, and some nights I would put a few of both kinds on his plate. I didn’t get how important this was until one night I got a brand new kind of chicken nuggets. I sat the plate down in front of Owen and then turned to get something else in the kitchen. For some reason, I turned back towards Owen. He had that plate of chicken nuggets in his hands, above his head ready to catapult it across the room. I told him to put it down, that it was chicken nuggets, and somehow he listened. I got him to try them and he ate all of them. But that day I saw the importance of rotating his food and making sure we kept introducing variety to his diet. One of my rules with him before I even knew he had autism was he had to try a bite of everything. One bite felt daunting on many occasions to both of us with his sensory issues. The complexity of this truly boggled my mind so many days, but I knew I had to keep pushing forward with Owen. We’ve come a long way and he now requests food, but this was years in the making and we still work through the process to this day. I look at how much Owen is growing and starting to make connections now. I’m thankful for his growth and where we are today. This is one moment in time. Remember that you are not alone. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Today is my sweet baby O’s eighth birthday. I can’t believe it. The years have flown by. We did his favorite Saturday activities, adding breakfast in there for his special day. I didn’t have a party for him like I did last year. We had a big bowling party and all he wanted to do was bowl. He didn’t want to stop for his cake or presents. It was so overwhelming for him that I thought we’d spent the day doing things Owen likes instead of a party. He has no real connection to it being his birthday and what that means. Presents are still hard for him. More so the wrapping on the presents. If something is wrapped he wants it to stay wrapped. He doesn’t mind something that comes out of a box, but the wrapping paper is part of the gift or the way it should stay. He will sing Happy Birthday and Jingle Bells at the same time, not understand the time of year or that they are sung for specific reasons. But today none of that mattered. I gave him his present a week ago when it came in, right out of the box. It was a tongue drum. Every night he wants to “watch de movie” of the musician playing the drums so I got him a tiny version. He loves it and is already starting to play it well. We talked about what it means to be getting older and how amazing he is doing. I told him he can do anything he wants if he sets his mind to it. I always want him to know I believe in him. I look at how far he has come and I know the sky is the limit. I think sometimes I’m my own worst enemy because of all the boundaries I’ll set for myself thinking I can’t do something. But if you believe in yourself and you keep pushing forward you will grow. Today was a good day celebrating the love of my life. I wanted to be a mommy for as long as I can remember and the day they put Owen in my arms my world was complete. I’m thankful for my sweet baby O and all that he has given me. Know that you are important. Be bold, be beautiful, be you. Smiles to all and donut daze!
There are moments I want to cry and can’t. A little waver in my voice and Owen gets emotional. He starts saying, “hi buddy hi buddy it’s ok buddy it’s fine”. There’s so much to that my mind tumbles with all the words. I call Owen lots of nicknames. This isn’t always easy for him since he has a hard time relating to his name, to begin with. My sweet baby O, dude, buddy, and squishy have all been nicknames I’ve used with him. Plus, he is so connected to my heart and emotions that my crying sends him into emotional overdrive. He hears tones in my words that I don’t even realize I’m expressing. He wants calm so he does the only thing he knows to do and that’s to repeat the words I say to him. It snaps me to reality though. I tell him he’s fine, trying to comfort his worries and control my own emotions. He doesn’t completely understand how emotions work. And he certainly doesn’t want me to express them. He responds in the same way to me correcting him as he does if I’m upset. If I try to explain why he can’t do something or make him do a timeout for his actions he will scream at the top of his lungs to me. I find that I have to get eye level with him, talking very calmly when I am trying to work through correcting any of his behaviors. I focus on his progress. There were years where he screamed about everything. Now we can at least talk through emotions. He still wants everything calm and me not to change anything about myself, but there’s progress in that too though. He still doesn’t want me to wear hats, my hair pulled back, or have my glasses off, but when I do he is at least not screaming like he used to. He will repeat for me to take off the hat or put my “summer glasses” on, but the screaming, oh my, the screaming has at least stopped, for the most part. He calls all glasses “summer glasses”. We are a team and together we grow. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Be inspired, find your motivation, and look for the bright side. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen fell asleep quicker last night than he has in a while, but the way he was acting I thought it was going to take all night. He is much calmer now that we found music he likes. He still wakes up in the middle of the night and comes to my bed though. I read years ago about a couple that switched bedrooms with their son and they finally got sleep because he was coming to their room every night. This morning as I was laying there thinking about how to keep him in his bed it dawned on me maybe I need to keep him in my bed. He has always liked my room better so maybe it’s not so much of figuring out how to keep him out of my bed, but figuring out how to let him have my bedroom. Maybe this is the extreme answer, but in this sleepy state, it sounds like the perfect solution. When I read this years ago I thought there has got to be a different way for them. But right now I’m thinking how quickly can I make this happen. I have spent many an hour, day, week, month, and year trying to figure out how to help my sweet baby O sleep and let me get sleep too. This might be the solution. One day at a time I remind myself. Last night he asked for school multiple times and then declaring “I’m done with school”. This is a new expression for Owen. I try to figure out if he understands the meaning of his words or if he is still putting it all together. How done is he I wonder. He loves going to school so when he has breaks I know those must be confusing to him and completely throws off our routine. His birthday is Saturday. I debated if I should have a party for him, but for several days after his party last year, it seemed like he was in a fog and confused because there had been so much going on. We had it at the bowling alley we always go to, but I know that it can be very overwhelming for him when he has to interact with that many people at one time. He wanted nothing to do with his cake or presents and only wanted to focus on his bowling. This year we will go bowling and lunch. I think when he gets a little older we will try another birthday party. My joy is celebrating Owen and making him happy. Find your happiness, celebrate your victories, and know that today is one moment in time. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
April 2024
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