I’m one rollercoaster ride away from a good night of sleep, I’m sure. Or at least I can hope. Owen woke before four. This would have probably gone a lot smoother if he had actually gone back to the “blue bed” like he was telling me every five to ten minutes for the next hour and a half. He wanted to lay next to me but every time I fell back asleep he licked my forehead, put his feet on my spine, or wrapped himself in a burrito with the blanket he didn’t want me to put on him. So we got up. At that point he didn’t want me out of my bed, no lights on except the bathroom light that he turned on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off, and for me to have blue pants on at five o’clock in the morning. The party continued from there and I really needed coffee. I’m trying to get him to understand that I do not wear blue pants every day and that I can wear anything I want. And so can he. But this feels like an impossible distinction for him right now. I have to remind myself we have gone through this numerous times over the years in different literal fashions. He gets a picture in his mind of how I should look or someone else and that’s that. It’s not a matter of “he’ll get over it”, he won’t. He has to process it. I can’t even imagine the hours we’ve spent with me holding him through meltdowns because I had shorts on instead of pants at home. And that’s just one of the things that sent him into meltdowns. Me taking off my glasses caused the same reaction, hours upon hours of him on the floor screaming because I took them off to wipe my eyes or wash my glasses. It’s not something I would even think about. I would remove them for a second or so they wouldn’t get wet in the rain and it caused him so much heartache. So this morning I put grey pants on, we discussed it yesterday. “Blue pants”, he yelled. We were all dressed. All we had to do was walk out the door. He yelled again. I can see the look in his eyes when it is going from connection to meltdown and off he ran to my room. He brought back a pair of my “blue pants” and threw them at me. The choice was to wear grey pants and not get him to the bus stop in time and the meltdown completely happen, or change to the blue pants and hopefully keep him calm enough to get him to the bus stop and off to school happy. I changed. I’m exhausted. I can overthink every single second of this morning or I can try to let it go and move forward. We will work through this but knowing a pair of pants, the wrong pair of pants in his eyes is going to cause a meltdown for him is hard. All I can do is continue to talk to him about it and encourage him to breathe and find a different way to process it. When he came home from school he was happy except I was wearing the wrong shoes. I told him I would be taking them off as soon as we went inside. We ate our snacks, we read together, we worked on his writing, and he helped me paint. I talked with him about what I was wearing tomorrow and let him help me decide, they weren’t blue pants but it’s not tomorrow. We learn, we love, we grow. Each day is a gift. Tomorrow is a brand new day and we get to choose to put our best foot forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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Happiness starts with sleep, I’m convinced. Owen slept last night. He probably would have slept a little later even if I didn’t have to go to the bathroom. Every noise is a noise but at least he slept all night. We both needed it. I told him last night that when he woke up this morning he was not going to have his tablet. His behaviors yesterday were not good and I wanted him to understand that he cannot act that way. He really doesn’t make the connections to having things taken away for behavior but I’m trying to make him understand that his actions matter. I tell him all the time that he gets to be in charge of his destiny and that how we treat others is important. We had a really good morning before he went to school but I had to keep him entertained every minute before we got ready to go to the bus stop. He helped put his clothes on and mostly did his shoes and socks. I had to turn his socks a little to get them straight for him. I sent the book that we’ve been reading to school with him so he could read it to his teacher. I can’t wait to hear how it goes this week. When he came home from school he was very calm. He took his jacket, safety belt, and shoes off without screaming or running away. He put everything up for me and then even answered my questions about what he did at school. He said he had “pizza” for breakfast, “popcorn” for lunch, and “waffles” for snack and he “ran with his friends”. Thankful that the school break wasn’t anymore days. Breaks are so hard on him. He waited until I told him he could have his tablet and then we ate a snack. He went to watch tv and I put his ukulele on the couch. I try not to push music on him but I still want him to participate and practice with the different instruments. When he sings with his natural voice he has perfect pitch. I asked him to play his ukulele for me and at first, he said no and then he played Old MacDonald Had A Farm. I asked him if he would play his harmonica. He did it but he wanted to go right back to playing his ukulele. He is so amazing with the harmonica though. He’s a natural with it and I can see how much he has improved but it’s not his favorite. With time I think he will start to like it more. When I was fixing our dinner I asked him to count to ten with his fingers. We’ve been working on this a lot more lately but today was years in the making. It still brings tears to my eyes as I watched him put each finger up going all the way to ten. He doesn’t completely understand the thumb still needs to be part of the counting but he has his whole hand up and then does the other hand. I started crying and he said, “happy”. I told him these were tears of joy. Throughout the rest of the evening, I asked him if he would count for me again and again and again. Each time a tear would fall. The joy from this one moment took years for him to do. I even had someone tell me he would probably never do it but I didn’t believe it, I couldn’t believe it. He’s a miracle and you don’t give up on a miracle, you never give up on a miracle. Yesterday was hard, harder than hard, but today we moved forward. There’s a light that shines through each of us and today Owen’s light shined bright. As he was falling asleep he held his thumbs together with all of his fingers up and he said “it’s a deer”. I realized that he learned it from one of the episodes of the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse that he asked to watch as he was falling asleep. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Your dreams are worth it. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I forgot one rule yesterday, don’t tell Owen we are doing something until we are actually doing something. Today was his follow-up appointment for his ear infections. He loves going to see his doctor. He loves everything about going. I always tried to make it important to him so he would not be afraid of going. And it helps he gets to ride in an elevator. So party time today was two in the morning and that was that. Didn’t matter what bed or what I said there was no more sleeping for us. Every few minutes he asked me when we were going to see his doctor and every few minutes felt like I was literally going to crawl to the next room. I’m glad I went to bed a little earlier last night than I normally do. They say when a child is learning a new skill it may seem like they are backtracking on something else. Oh, how this feels and seems like the case times one hundred right now. Every behavior that was gone is now resurfacing. And it breaks my heart. Absolutely breaks my heart. I can only imagine what Owen is going through with these behaviors that have completely changed. My heart aches some more. I wonder if it is a sensory thing or hormonal. The day was hard, the night was harder. Many moments were amazing but sadness still rips at my heart for how many emotions my son struggles with. He’s a sensory kiddo through and through. Every mess that could have been made was made today and he delights in doing them and seeing my emotions. At ten years old I never imagined we’d go back to some of these behaviors. When we got to the doctor’s office we had to wait. Waiting is not one of our strong suits. He started getting very agitated but I was able to calm him down. Thankfully when his doctor came in he was excited to see her. She checked his ears and she said they both looked great and this was music to my ears. We talked about his new old behaviors and then we got ready to leave. Owen told her “thank you have a great day” and she was very impressed. He’s grown so much. It’s hard for me to think about all the backtracking he has done. But there is also forward progress. He read the new book I got him and he did amazing with it. The words that he didn’t know yesterday seemed to flow better today. He ate all day it seems. His behaviors always make me seek out new ideas for growth for both of us. Today was hard, today was extremely hard. I am trying to put the bathroom out of my mind. Focus on the good stuff Lynn, focus on the good stuff. We worked on writing again and he was able to use the stencils a little more on his own. I get upset with myself because I didn’t have him write every day and work on those skills. But I have to remember to be kind to my soul and there are only so many hours in the day. I am thankful he goes back to school tomorrow for routine to return. Any and every break of routine is hard on him. Tomorrow is a brand new day. I pray for sleep, strength, and guidance to get my sweet baby o moving forward. Find your strength, not that you are not alone, and remember the littlest things can be the hugest of steps. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
April 2024
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