A very full day was had by all. Thankfully once again Owen slept all night. Me not so much. He needed a hug as soon as he got up and then he went to the bathroom. The dentist discussion was next. He was torn but very happy he was going to see his dentist. He was upset because he was going to miss the bus but he was happy to be going to the dentist. We had a couple of hours before we had to go to the dentist and so the dentist was pretty much all we discussed. I made it very clear to him that we would go by the depot one time before the dentist and then, depending on how his behavior we could go two times by the depot after we left. I wanted to make sure that he understood what we were doing. The order has caused him many meltdowns over the years when we’ve gone before. All the rules and all the meltdowns are hard to keep up with. The stress of the unknown is the stress of the known. We got ready to leave and we headed towards the depot. The whole way there he repeated one time by the depot and thankfully that’s what happened. We got to his appointment and we waited in the lobby for a few minutes. I could tell that he was in need of sensory input because he kept trying to sit in my lap and get hugs. He did great with the dentist and thankfully he doesn’t have any cavities and everything was fine with his teeth. He does have a loose tooth and that could be part of what is causing his sensory issues. His dentist explained to me that he was probably in more of the sensory overload because of his tooth being loose and it made complete sense to me. We left there and we drove two times by the depot. Then I took him to school. He wanted to make sure I was picking him up for therapy. I told him I would be back in the afternoon and we would go to Therapy. When I picked him up for therapy, he was smiling really big. He stopped me several times while walking to the car because he needed a hug. He had a great therapy session and this time I went in with him. I’m trying to go every other time with him so that he can experience both options. When he was with his physical therapist, I realized while talking to her that he doesn’t always look forward when he is trying to throw something and so that may be part of the reason he doesn’t throw or want to throw a ball or object forward. He can throw an object above him, but sending it directly in front of him is hard. When we left there he wanted to go by the windows. I told him since he did so well that I would take him. I can also tell he’s on high sensory alert because in the car he kept screaming about the directions we were going. We drove by the windows one time and he wanted to keep going. I told him we were going home, but we could drive by the windows another day. I’m always trying to stay one step ahead of the meltdowns. He did great once we got home until he looked out the window. It is so incredibly hard when someone parks near our house he can’t handle the different vehicles that are in front of us. He started screaming for me to close the window and fix the curtains. I try to get him to not open the windows, but he constantly does. I thought about putting up a screen or something to block the windows, but that just continues to circle the problem. He tried to pull up the “duck nose” picture he looks at in vision therapy. She showed him how to get to the file on Monday. He was upset because he looked through all his files on his computer and couldn’t find it. I am always amazed at how much he knows and how much he’s learned. I was able to show him the picture and I’ll be able to put it in one of the files for him. He fell asleep after coming to me one time. I’m thankful for a great day and most of all his smile that shines bright for this mama. Every day find a way to smile and make your heart content. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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Learning patience is hard. Owen slept through the night and I’m thankful for that. He was concerned about missing the bus tomorrow when he hadn’t even gone to school today. This is the overthinking part for me. When I called the dentist's office I could either take him on Thursday in the morning or wait until May. If it was an emergency they would have gotten him in right away but it’s more to ease my mind once again than anything really wrong that I can tell. I knew having the appointment on Thursday would be hard for him but he is constantly asking about his tooth. It’s a lot, a lot. Like all the time. He knows that generally, he rides the bus to school and then I pick him up for his favorite day, therapy Thursdays. He kept telling me that he would see his teacher first and then go to the dentist because he would ride the bus. I sent his teacher a note telling her his concerns. I knew she would help address it and that’s one more reason we love her. She not only teaches them what the curriculum is but life skills as well. They may be in elementary school but she is trying to teach them skills that will last their lifetimes. And for this, I’m very thankful. The whole team at his school is very invested in him and the other kids. This helps me in so many ways because they know when I say Owen needs help understanding he isn’t coming to school on the bus they will work on it throughout the day to help him with the process. When we were waiting for his bus this morning he was talking about his bus tomorrow. I know it is all daunting for him to not know what each day holds. He wants every day to be exactly what he needs it to be. He loves going to his dentist and we are going by some of his favorite places but it is still hard on him. When he got home from school he kept telling me that he would see his teacher first. I told him then he wouldn’t see his dentist, I would have to cancel the appointment. I think he was starting to make the connection. I never know if I should tell him ahead of time or right at the moment. It is all an overthinking time for me. The afternoon turned into night before we knew it. He wanted to take a bath and then he spent a few more minutes with his tablet. Once he went to bed he only got up once to come to tell me he was going to the “dentist first” and then to see his teacher. He also wanted to make sure I was picking him up from school. Each day that we work through a process is a victory. Today was a victory. Find the victory in your day and know that you can accomplish great things if you set your mind to it. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I want to put out the gone fishing sign and call it a day. These repetitive actions get me; his and mine. My exhaustion is exhausted and my stress is stretched. You think we have a behavior covered until it’s not and then here it is again. Thankfully Owen slept all night and he’s starting to get that he needs to go to the bathroom and then we can have conversations. My conversation skills are subject to coffee I suppose but I try. My goal, my new little mantra that I keep reminding myself about is finding myself in the chaos of life. Just like Owen pushing the boundaries of what he can do by going past the street light, I have to find ways to push past my own boundaries of growth and exploration. Sometimes we sit inside our own shell and don’t push forward because all we can see is the shell. Owen was all about the running today. Not so much the actual running as the talking about running. I have to remind him of those boundaries and I have to remind myself that he has to learn independence. But I still have to focus on keeping him safe. I remind him that if he ever needs help and he can’t find me that he can go to the fire station or police station. I have shown him where they are and I have introduced him to many of them but this is one more part of the emotional journey. He doesn’t understand what I mean but I keep hoping that by reiterating the words and actions he will learn how to always stay safe. He’s always with someone but I want him to be prepared. When he heard the bus he ran to watch it come down the street. It turns several corners until it gets to us and he watches the entire thing. When the bus turns out corner he runs to get in position and the smile on his face warms my heart. I always tell the bus driver and aide if they are ever having a bad day remember how much they mean to these kids. When he stood there waiting for the bus his new thing is to say, “Mommy can go on the bus” and he knows I’m going to tell him no and explain why. When he came home from school the behaviors skyrocketed because he was out of routine. Our neighbor came to talk to us and she doesn’t normally come to us in the afternoons, only the mornings. This created a ripple effect and he was yelling “no” and pulling my hair before I could even think about it. The pulling of my hair used to happen at every turn but now it is rare. He bites and sniffs it but not pulling it. I reminded him to breathe and we started walking toward the house. I distracted him by telling him he was going to the dentist on Thursday morning. This both delighted him and completely sent him into overdrive because Thursdays are his favorite day. He is going to the dentist first thing in the morning and then to school but this still throws off his day because he doesn’t get to ride the bus there. He talked about it all night long and I distracted him once again but it’s emotional. He ate a lot, drank even more, and I can
tell he is growing. He fell asleep singing numerous Old MacDonald versions and after coming to get a hug from me three times he was out. What sticks out in my mind is the pure joy he had from seeing that bus and wanting me to come on the bus with him. I’m thankful in these moments and it reminds me to keep pushing forward and we both will continue to grow. Live life forward and follow your heart to your destiny. Smiles to all and donut daze! The exhaustion plane left for flight at four o’clock in the morning. Owen’s sensory needs were in full swing. “Need a hug,” he said to me as soon as he came around the corner. I hugged him and then I told him it was still bedtime. He said, “tablet.” I told him when the imaginary timer I was setting went off he could have his tablet. I already knew how this rodeo was going to go. He went back to bed, he came back to me, he went potty, back to bed, me, tablet, bed, me, coffee, and finally “white bed” at some point. He was beyond ready to start his day. He couldn’t wait to get to the bus. He still dragged his feet some when he was getting ready but he wanted to see if our neighbor was going to be outside and he wanted to run to the stop sign and light pole. I remind him all the time that he cannot go in the road. He listens but I’m always afraid there will be times he doesn’t. I’m constantly on high alert when we are outside. OK, so I’m constantly on high alert when we are inside as well. When we got outside he ran back and forth, occasionally trying to skip. It was amazing to watch him. I can only imagine what he sees when he runs and how he feels. His delight was evident and that makes my heart happy. He ran to stand where he could watch the bus come around the neighborhood to get to our street. When he saw the bus he gets this giddy little laugh and the smile that washes over him is my ray of sunshine even on the cloudiest of days. He was off to school and knew he was going to his vision therapy when he got home. The boy that gets on the bus is transformed into the boy that gets off the bus. His smile has changed to a content look but he’s now discussing everyone that did not wear blue pants. The non-blue pant wearers are put in a category where they are then discussed as to what they should have been wearing. I can only imagine what goes through his mind every day. And he doesn’t always make all the connections to his words, but I can see and hear the frustration when someone is not wearing blue pants. It’s hard for me to think about it anymore. This is going on for almost two years. Therapist after therapist, doctor after doctor have all been consulted on this. His teacher, his aides, his therapists, more doctors, more therapist, more friends, and more people have all weighed in on this. My heart breaks that someone wearing blue pants or someone not wearing blue pants can completely change how his day is going, and in turn how my day is going. Hours of meltdowns, screams, and tears have happened all because somebody wasn’t wearing blue pants. Some days it’s hard to make myself walk out the door because I know he’s going to tell somebody to go home or not wear what they are wearing or even scream at me later. My broken heart feels encased in blue each day. I wait for that miracle to happen. That is the day, the day that he moves forward, he’s done it before. We’ve gone through the door phase, the knocking phase, the head banging phase, the hair pulling, the biting, and the list goes on and on so I know he will get through this and we will both be stronger. The chocolate milk glass half full and never be empty phase is quickly becoming a very important conversation to him. This is because I have been trying to get him to drink more water. This is why it is hard to transition or try new things because now instead of him drinking any water he is constantly pouring it out and asking for chocolate milk before it’s even out of his glass. We will move forward on this too I know. He did great at his vision therapy. He was a little distracted at first but then he did fine after the doctor change the first exercise a little. I know it has been helping him. Before we left he asked her to go to dinner with us. We weren’t going to dinner but I thought it was nice he asked her and we agreed one day we will go. When we got home he drank lots more chocolate milk and ate most of his dinner. He ate more than I thought since he had a huge snack before we left for his therapy. He took a little more convincing to fall asleep and I always stay up late for even five minutes to hear just the hum of the refrigerator. I was in his prayers again and I’m thankful for that big smile. Dream the possible dream and make your world bright. Smiles to all and donut daze!
He saw this picture and said mommy. It is Sunday. That means sleep. Most Sundays we go to church so he sleeps most Saturday nights. Routine is everything. After Owen woke up he asked every few minutes when we were going to church. The reply was in a few hours. He wants my reply to be “in a little bit.” Routine is everything and that is routine. I sat there thinking about everything, every single thing. The tears fell down my face thinking about all the things I cannot change and the past that has been written in stone. He walked up to me and said, “happy happy” and proceeded to talk about the video he was watching. It was a picture with a yellow wall and a child. He said, “purple wall purple it’s purple.” My tears fell harder. How do you convince a child to say the right words when the reaction you make is what he is looking for? For years now he will say the wrong thing first, no matter what it is. He finally said, “you sad” after my tears wouldn’t stop. I said you’re right that’s a purple wall, knowing it wouldn’t help if I disagreed. I could feel a change in him as the day moved forward. I could tell he was trying to say the right words. Maybe my tears that I wasn’t crying for this moment helped to change the tide for another day. Time will tell. Everything felt like it was in slow motion to get to church but we got there. He told me he wanted to have his face painted, go down the slide, see the insect -it was a bounce house he didn’t go in, and hunt for Easter eggs with his friend. I told him as I told him last week they aren’t there now because Easter is over. He said in October. He’s plotting and planning for his days ahead. When we got home from church I gave him some new medicine. I talked to his doctor about trying to get him to take pills instead of always having to do liquids or shots when he has to take antibiotics or something else. He struggles with all of it and the older he gets it is even harder on him. I am trying different ways and his doctor suggested taking the pill in applesauce. This did not go over well. As soon as he realized there was a pill in it he started crying and told me he was angry and I needed to wipe the sad off his face. Now that all put the sad on my face. He told me, “I cry like a baby” and I cried like a baby hearing his words. I’m always thankful when he has words but this was hard on him and I was hoping that it would help him to make the connection for taking medicine. He wanted to drive by the depot so off we went hoping it would distract him from his “angry face.” We got to the depot and he was much happier and the “sad went bye bye.” And so was I. When we got home it was raining. He didn’t want to get out of the car. I made him go after several minutes and he ran to the front porch. I can’t wait until we have a garage. Moving won’t fix everything but it will surely help situations like this. Living in a house that is more than one story is difficult for him. Every floor has a feel, a motion, a sensory experience that makes him move in different ways and makes it difficult for him to process sometimes. He heard a noise in the floor as he walked and he had to go back over it five times before he could walk out of the room. He scrunched down the last time and he could finally move. The night ended with him asking to go to the “depot dentist” because he knew where she worked was close to the depot. He is back to judging me for what I eat and laundry on the bed so that will be steps we have to walk through. I was glad that he didn’t have a fourth meltdown because there was plenty. He fell asleep fast with a lot on his mind. I’m thankful for the song he sang to me when the tears were flowing and the song he put in my heart because of these moments. Find joy in the miracle of the day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I heard Owen walking up to me and I knew before he even said it what he was going to say. “Tablet,” he said. I knew what I said next would not matter but I tried it. You need to go back to bed I said, it’s still nighttime. “Sure go get your tablet,” he responded and off he went. Three o’clock in the morning is too early when close to midnight is when I finally fell asleep. Out of routine means out of routine and there is no convincing him to get back in it until he is back in it. He wanted to go bowling and he is clinging on to the things he knows are going to happen. I fixed him breakfast and I gave him his glasses to wear. When he went to his vision therapy session last week his doctor was talking about him getting new glasses when he was ready. Well, he is ready because somehow he broke them and he handed them to me in pieces. They were his original pair so it really was time for a new pair. Between three in the morning and eleven when we left to go bowling I think Owen asked me three point one million times when we were going bowling. I may have exaggerated by a million or two but his repetitive actions are ramped up with his routine continuing to be changed. For him one day of school being out, no matter what the reason throws him off for weeks and weeks ahead. He had a wonderful time when he was bowling, and after we were done, a couple of his previous bus aides were there and said hi to us. I was thankful to be able to talk to them about how much Owen has grown since they saw him. After we left there, he wanted to drive by the train depot, and then he wanted to drive by the depot again and again, and again. After we drove by the house, which is technically what he’s calling the depot, we went to the park so he could ride his bike with our friends. Everything was going fine until he pushed over his bike and he got his pants muddy. He does this a lot when he lays on the ground or he sits in a puddle. It’s hard because he is the instigator of doing it and then it causes huge meltdowns for him. He couldn’t handle that his pants were wet but he also didn’t want to leave. It’s hard to explain to him that his actions cause a reaction from him. Every time it rains, I dread walking outside with him because he wants to find the puddles and put his knee into the puddle, or he will completely sit down in the puddle but this causes instant meltdowns. Thankfully he calmed down enough to ride more and then he didn’t want to leave. His listening skills have taken on the preteen manor very early. I told him that he wouldn’t be able to ride tomorrow after church if we didn’t get going. This got him moving. I never know the right parenting tactic to take without causing another meltdown. When we got home he wanted lots of chocolate milk and very little food, but his plate was full. He never likes his plate to be empty even though there are so many times he won’t eat anything he requests and especially when it is close to bedtime. I tend to always put food on his plate though because I don’t want him to not ask for food. I’m always trying to stay ahead of the curve that is created. He once again fell asleep pretty quickly, but I guess that’s what happens when you are awake at three in the morning. I’m thankful we got to enjoy the day together. Find your happiness, share it with the world, and smile your blues away. Smiles to all and donut daze!
My daily reminder is to keep moving forward. I get stuck on the coulda, woulda, shoulda beens. All of it. Sometimes I forget to give myself the kindness and grace I always remind Owen that we need to give others. The day felt rough around all the edges. He had a pretty good day but I wanted to cry about everything. Some days are harder than others when I still sit here missing my brother. He was the only other person that knew my mom’s heartbeat like I do. I tried to think of all the positive stuff today. I suppose that helped. Owen and I both slept. That was a good start to our day. We had a few little glitches to get ready but he wanted to get outside to wait on the bus or better yet run from the stop sign and down to the light. I talked to him about boundaries and listening to me when he was outside. I want him to have independence but I want him to also be very aware of his surroundings. He started trying to skip and run to the light down the street. He is constantly picking up stuff off the ground so I always remind him not to pick things up. In general, it’s not a problem when he would pick up something like a leaf but if he sees food or anything, he will pick it up off the ground and put it in his mouth. I worry that he will eat something or take something off the ground that he shouldn’t. He kept watching for the bus to come around the corner, and he was starting to worry that it wasn’t going to come so he said that “the bus wasn’t going to come until the snow came again.” When he got home from school I asked him if he wanted to go do anything listing all of his favorites, and he wanted to take a bath. When he walked in the door, he immediately took his coat off and then walked over to the table to make sure the radio wasn’t there. He started asking for a bath again. I said sure if he didn’t want to go anywhere. The bath was pretty much immediate. He wanted to bite his toes in the bath. I’m not sure why this is becoming something he regularly wants to do. He was calm the rest of the night but didn’t want to eat much of his dinner. His prayer was quick and to the point. “Dear God, thank you for mom and bowling, Amen,” he said. He yawned as soon as he got home, so it was not a late night at all for him. Once he was in bed he didn’t come out to tell me good night I’m thankful for his smile and that always gets me through my day. I’m hoping for another great night of sleep for my Sweet Baby O. Believe in your dreams, and let your heart follow the path. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Thankfully I slept all night and so did Owen. We both needed it. Getting outside to wait for the bus was an adventure. Some days when Owen knows what’s happening it’s even harder for him to do the things that he should do. Like today is therapy day and he was excited. We got dressed, and then he wanted nothing to do with going outside. His tablet was ruling his world this morning. Although he wanted to see his teacher, he still couldn’t make himself get dressed and go outside. Once he got out there, he was ready to go. He was so excited about the moon. He told me it was a crescent moon, and he went on to describe other planets, and exactly what they were made of. On the sidewalk there were wet spots, and he thought they looked like footprints. I love when he puts the pieces together and tells me a story about what he sees. Our neighbor came out to say hi to us and Owen wanted her to leave in the car so he could run after her but today she wasn’t going anywhere. When she went back inside, he went to the stop sign. He talk to me about his boundaries and where he’s allowed to walk. I thought this was good because he often wants to push those boundaries, so I was glad that he was talking to me about where he could walk to. When the bus came around the corner He couldn’t wait to get on it. He made sure that I was picking him up from school so that he could go to therapy. I told him yes and off he went. I picked him up from school and we were off to his therapy. He wanted to first drive by the overpass and I took him to one of his favorites. On the way to therapy I told him that I wasn’t going to go in with him. We could check-in and then he would be able to go with his therapist. They are all completely fine if I come in, but we don’t want him to always expect me to be there. Plus it’s good for him to be able to do different things while I am not there. They said he had some pretty good sessions. There were a few things that he was anxious about but in general, he did well. When we left, he wanted to drive by the windows and then come home. I had given him several options of what we could do but I feel like some days it’s almost too much for him. He wanted chocolate milk, and more chocolate milk, and more chocolate milk. But I told him that he would have to have some water. This did not go over very well but he at least drank more tonight. It’s progress. He was asleep almost instantly, but I could hear him talking to himself before he fell sleep. His smile was bold and bright today and the mischief stayed strong. Your story was only started yesterday. Keep writing it until it’s better than you ever imagined. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The morning, the middle, and the night all worked for us today. There were a few rollercoastery moments but I’ll say today was one of those success stories. I woke I way too early but my bladder kindly suggests awkward times to wake up like barely three. Thankfully Owen slept all night though. When he woke up he came to me and said, “good morning mommy.” This is where I shout it from the rooftops. I always love it when he doesn’t say “tablet” first. He then came towards me and I was sitting. He said, “need a hug” and proceeded to hug me and crawled into my lap. He said a couple more things but they were repeats of his other words but I’ll take them. He was having a conversation with me and that’s what mattered. He immediately wanted to go to the white bed and play with his tablet after that. I still had to get my coffee so he ran to get his tablet, he came into the kitchen to turn off the light, and then we went to the “white bed.” I sat there, drinking my coffee and he was playing on his tablet. He was going through a lot of different windows and he was showing me the games he was playing. I’m not sure when he started it but he will say “room up” when he is going to do something or get into something like the car. I’m not sure how it started or why he says it but he has been using this term for years. He told me he was going to room up and I wasn’t sure where we were going. He did great when we got ready for school and he was excited to go wait outside for the bus. I thought a lot about his emotions and my emotions from yesterday and I realized that when he is in certain situations it is hard for him to redirect his energy away from me. I told him when he got home from school that we could go wherever he wanted to, and he chose to stay home. I got his snack and I told him that he needed to drink water after he drank two glasses of chocolate milk. I have been trying to teach him independence. He got the milk out of the refrigerator and took the lid off and poured it himself, a very full cup. I may have assisted a little by telling him to turn the container and holding the cup so it wouldn’t go anywhere but he kept saying “go O go O.” He never did drink his water. The night went quickly but thankfully smoothly. He now says his prayers on his own. “Dear God, thank you for bed and thank you for mom, amen,” he said. It’s funny he never says mom except in the prayer. He always calls me mommy. I told him when we pray we could say who we are thankful for or what we are happy about. I’m happy he had a good day. Believe in the miracle yet to come. Today is where your future starts and you can make it new again. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Salty with a hint of sadness. It just came to mind as I started to write. There are days my emotions have emotions and those emotions are either carried by the weight of the world or carrying the weight of the world. I try to wrap my brain around the steps it takes for me to get anywhere with or without Owen. Today he had a doctor’s appointment. There are so many emotions tied to this one appointment for me. It’s one more doctor to help him through the blue pants problem. Can I call it a problem, should I say issue, maybe it’s behavioral. And maybe I can overthink this as well. Thankfully Owen slept all night and was in a great mood when he woke up because he knew he was going to see his teacher today and then go to his doctor's appointment. Routine is everything and the last few days have been hard. I feel like it takes a week or more to get back on track after any break. And here comes summer. While we were waiting for the bus he stood there telling me the steps to checking in at his appointment. I told him if he didn’t get upset with people not wearing blue pants we could go anywhere he wanted to when we left the appointment. He knew I was going to pick him up from school and then we would go. My heart aches for how hard this can be for my sweet baby O and how emotional it is for me. I picked him up and he didn’t stop talking. All the words and all the emotions fall like a waterfall. To say Owen was hyper at the appointment is an understatement. He needed sensory input, he couldn’t stop talking, and he answered half the questions right on the first time and as many wrongs. The nurse was in green and green is not blue. This made him talk even more and his emotions are my emotions. Thankfully the doctors had blue pants on and this helped the process but it’s still a nonstop rodeo for me. Owen will get right in my face when I’m trying to talk to the doctors. The behaviors skyrocket and all of these behaviors are why we are there. They got us in and out as quickly as possible but still went through all the steps they need to. He didn’t want to go anywhere when we left. He screamed mostly so we came home. The one hard part about not having a driveway is that anyone can park in front of our house and then we have no place to park. This does not go over well with Owen and we had to drive around. People don’t understand how much this upset him and how could they. It’s a public street. It doesn’t happen often but when it does it throws us off. The loneliness feels overwhelming some days because how do you even begin to explain everything? He was watching a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse video and a penguin walked into the room. He said, “a penguin is like a bird.” Then the penguin walked out of the room and said, “ta-ta.” I said, “that’s like when you say bye-bye.” He walked out of the room and said, “ta-ta.” The daily walk through autism is not always easy to explain but the love sure is. The victory in today was the smiles that he gave me. Love, learn, and grow that is the goal. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
April 2024
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