The tables were turned. It was Owen’s turn to wake up early when I felt like I could sleep for a week. He wanted his tablet and then back to bed he went. At least for a little bit.

I got up to go to the bathroom and it was like he remembered he had a new tablet. He had taken his Spider-Man tablet back to bed with him but he realized his new tablet was what he wanted. His Spider-Man tablet seems to only be working sporadically and hardly holds a charge so his grandma got him a new one. I asked him what he was going to name it and I’m sure it will be named at some point. Now to transition the Spider-Man tablet out.

He knew we were going to his appointment this morning and he was very excited about it. He seemed pretty tired but he was also mostly calm. The words were very repetitive but I stuck with my plan of telling him that if he wanted to talk about the things he already knew we would have to put his tablet down. I wonder what strategy will work.

We got dressed and he didn’t even mention what I was wearing. I asked him if he wanted to wear shorts and let him pick out his clothes. He didn’t mention that I had a dress on until we were walking into his appointment. Thankfully he did not pull on my dress or scream. It felt like a little bit of a success.

In the car, all he wanted to say was his teacher’s name so I tried the old redirection technique. I asked him to sing songs in different languages. He sang four different songs. Three were in other languages and he sang one with “da da da” to replace all the words. It was incredible to hear and it is the first time he has sung full songs in other languages when I’ve prompted him like this.

I asked him to tell me five languages he knows and he said, “engwish spinach Turkish Italian Taiwanese.” It truly amazes me how many languages he knows and all of the words he can say. He has gone back to asking Alexa and Siri to translate all the different phrases he likes and many words.

He was very calm at his appointment almost to the point of chill. He then went to grandma’s house and he always has fun with her. I came to pick him up a little early because they rescheduled one of his appointment times for his afternoon therapy. He was a little elevated in the car because he wanted to talk about his day tomorrow. Having a day off always is hard for him because he wants his routine.

He did great at his appointments but he was still a little elevated. One of his therapists was wearing a dress with leggings and he hadn’t mentioned blue pants with his first therapist but then it was a big deal for his second one. It’s always a blue pants adventure because you never know whose blue pants or lack of blue pants will set him off. I’m thankful for his therapists and the dedication they have to find ways to support both Owen and myself.

I’m thankful for a good day and I know he will be happy to go back to school tomorrow. Each day is a building block to a wonderful tomorrow. Let yesterday go, remember tomorrow is a brand new day, and celebrate it with all your heart. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Is early even a thing if you wake up before roosters are supposed to crow? Owen thankfully slept later than I did and calmness is our blessing right now. He came to me and said, “Mommy in the white bed.” I told him he could go back to bed if he wanted. He took his tablet and off he ran. I headed to the bathroom and he quickly told me to skedaddle back to my bed. I don’t think he was quite ready to wake up.

He came to me with his tablet and he started talking about the bear on his screen in all the correct details. My heart soared. He generally tells me the bear has blue eyes when he has black eyes. He goes through each of the sections and always tells me incorrect facts so this felt like incredible progress for me not to have to go back and forth with him on this. I told him how proud I was that he told me exactly what the details were. This is again one of those things I feel might be conversational related or possibly his way of telling a joke of some kind. Are you teasing me we will ask.

He kept repeating his teacher’s name over and over again, wanting me to confirm he was going to school. I asked him about each of his days and what he does. My heart aches for how consumed he gets with all the details of his day. I explained to him that he knew all the details and he had so many other amazing things he could tell me. I asked him to tell me three things he liked about school and he started listing things. I love it when he makes those connections.

I did not put on jeans as he was expecting. Instead, I put on black pants. He told me when he got home I should have blue pants. I told him I would be wearing the same thing. Off on the bus, he went and it seemed like it wasn’t long before he returned. He wouldn’t get off the bus though. He stood there pointing out that I was not in blue pants. The bus driver and the aide both know he wants everyone in blue. I signed to him that he was fine and it was ok. I told him to breathe and he got off the bus.

He watched the bus drive off and as we were going inside he started pulling on my pants. He wanted me to change immediately. I asked him what he was wearing when we got inside and he told me shorts and a yellow shirt. I asked him if he picked it out. He said yes. I told him I picked out what I was wearing and it happened to not be shorts or blue pants. He said, “Blue pants.” I told him that it wasn’t very kind of him to scream at me and pull on my pants when he wasn’t wearing blue pants either. He said, “Sorry Mommy” and I told him thank you. I also told him that when we went out tomorrow we got to choose what we were wearing and we could stay home if he would rather not be seen with me in other clothes. I’m hoping to make other connections for him and maybe that will help him process this.

The rest of the night was quiet because his new tablet came in. He still asked every few minutes about his teacher and what we were doing tomorrow but every time he asked I told him that he would have to put his tablet down so we could discuss it. He was able to refocus and move forward. I pray for strength every day for him to move forward in his actions and reactions. And I pray for my strength too.

Bedtime was something he didn’t want but he was out very quickly. Tomorrow is a busy day. He will have sensory therapy in the morning, possibly see his grandma after that, and then his other therapies later.

I find myself trying to focus on calm for both of us. I pray to help him through these moments. I keep explaining as much as I can about cancer and what we will go through. I pray for connections for him and that I can teach him more life skills every day. He sat on the couch laughing and that is what this momma’s heart needed. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Let the bird’s song be music to your ears and find your joy in those moments. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Sleep is a figment of my imagination at this point but at least Owen has been sleeping better. My quiet-as-a-mouse trick has done great. Hard to believe sometimes I can be quiet enough but thankfully it has been fine. He slept until almost six so I’ll take it.

He woke up with his mission of school and home. He had said he wanted to go fishing but I knew that probably wouldn’t happen. His laughter echoing through the house is exactly what my heart needs. I love it when he is happy. He was mostly calm but wanted me to stay in the white bed while he ran around playing on his tablet.

We got dressed and out to wait for the bus we went. He was very calm but he was watching every corner to see where the bus was going to turn. He saw it heading our way and he started getting very excited. He stood next to me yelling his teacher’s name before he got on the bus. I wish I knew how to get him to understand he knows the answer. Sometimes I feel like it is about the conversation and sometimes I think it is his need for conformation.

His bus was running a little late because of mechanical issues. My doctor called during that time to tell me about the MRI. I’m always one of those medical mysteries and I’m thankful that my doctor understands this. She told me that she got together with the whole team to go over all my results. This made me happy to know they were all consulting on it. They decided I would start chemotherapy first and then evaluate more after. They will be calling me soon to see when I begin. I will be happy to get the process started.

When I woke up this morning I decided to go get my haircut. I was thankful I could get it. I wanted to take some of it and try to embrace all the changes with Owen. When he got home he got off the bus and he didn’t look at me but after the bus left he gave me a big hug. He didn’t scream. That was a good sign.

We went inside and I fixed his snack. He reached up to my hair and I asked him if he liked it. he looked at me and said, “No” and moved right on to talking about seeing his teacher tomorrow. The key is still no screams.

When we were painting together I started talking to him about having cancer. I told him mommy was sick and he said I had to go to the doctor to get medicine. He quickly offered his doctor right on up and told me we would take the elevator. I told him mommy was going to a different doctor. He said to make sure I take the elevator and the medicine will make me better. I am so thankful for these connections. These small dots will lead to bigger pathways and I know he will understand.

I asked him again later if he liked my hair but this time he looked at it when he said no. He moved on quickly to what days he had left to go to school. He was very calm all night and went to bed pretty easily. I’m thankful for that. I pray for sleep for both of us tonight.

The journey through life is constantly changing. I pray for understanding of each day forward for both of us. I continue to talk to him about how we have to give each other kindness and grace and together we can get through it all. We all got something and we are not alone in this journey. Be brave in facing the tomorrows yet to come and you will never be alone. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Quiet as a mouse is the way to go but that still doesn’t always mean it works. It mostly did. I woke up more times than I could count last night. My mind was walking through all the moments that my future holds but my faith is strong and I know that each day will be a new learning opportunity for us to grow through.

Owen woke on a mission, wanting his teacher, and all that the day held. I hadn’t told him that his grandma was picking him up because then that would be his focus for the day. We had about two hours before he had to go out to wait for the bus. He was happy and laughing. His incredible laugh is exactly what this momma’s heart needed. There is nothing better than hearing his pure joy from listening to animals making sounds on the farm. He came to me, showed me his tablet, and asked me “Wanna go to the farm.” Yes sweet baby O I do.

We got ready and went outside. He was asking about all the people he wasn’t seeing and all the people he was. It is hard for him to comprehend that he isn’t going to see all of the same people each time he goes to different places. He wants to see his best friend and it is hard for me to explain he is going to see him.

I let his teacher know that my mom would be picking him up from school today because I had my MRI. She took him to his music therapy and she let me know his therapist said he did well today. He was concerned about my mom’s pants but this is a constant thing with him and it has started amping back up.

He went back to her house after his first therapy appointment and I met them at his vision therapy appointment after my MRI. He did great at his appointment. He was very calm and he was able to do lots of the exercises on the first try. I love the progress he is making.

We came home and ate dinner. It was a very calm evening. I’m thankful for his calmer days. I can feel a maturity level in him and I’m glad that it is helping him adjust through some of our days. I pray for understanding for him as I go through my cancer diagnosis. Each day I talk to him about it. I pray for his understanding and ability to get through each change. Today was a success, repetitive words and all, but it was a victory in so many ways. Breathe through the hard moments and let the sunshine embrace the calm in your heart because tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I woke up before it was daytime as Owen would describe it. The days feel long and I think about the woulda, coulda, shoulda beens. I pray every day for the hope of tomorrow and what I want to teach Owen. And myself.

I sat in my bed as still as I could, already awake for an hour and I heard him get out of bed. He goes to the bathroom and then I hear him walking back and forth in the living room talking to himself. I love hearing him talk without the anxiousness he displays so many times. I wish I could get him to understand the beauty in these moments. The calm he shows in those times is what I wish I could help him find when nothing seems to be going his way.

It wasn’t long and he came to me. “Tablet tablet,” he said without any form of greeting. I had heard him saying all these beautiful words in the living room but it was too hard for him to go through his words with me. The process is too much for him sometimes but I focus on the fact that he is making those connections and starting to initiate them on his own.

He now will occasionally say “sorry Mommy” when he knows that he has upset me or acting up. He focuses on my actions and reactions and that is what he hones in on. I have to remember it’s a learning curve for him and my actions and reactions are an important part of how he learns. I have to remember though I am still allowed to have my own emotions and feelings about his actions and reactions as much as he has on mine.

He was very excited about going to church but he was also focused on seeing his teacher tomorrow. I went a different way to church. This was not his favorite idea I’ve ever had but thankfully he stayed somewhat calm. We got to church and he couldn’t wait to get to his classroom.

One of the workers in his room had white pants on. Owen had chosen to wear shorts today but he was upset because she had white pants on. I’m still trying to process how to help him through these moments. He wanted her to wet her pants so she would have to change. He also wanted to spit on his fingers so he could then put it on her pants. The overthinking of how to help him process this is always how my wheels are turning. Thankfully she understood but it is moments like these that are hard when we go out to different places and have to explain why he wants to spit on someone.

“Why do today what you can put off and not do again tomorrow” has always been my motto. It feels heavy right now. I’m faced with so many emotions and expectations I haven’t met. I tried to explain to Owen my hair would be changing but he just told me no and screamed. I go for my MRI tomorrow. I wanted to tell him his grandma was going to pick him up from school and take him to therapy but I knew that I needed to wait until morning. If I tried to tell him tonight he might not sleep and it would be hard even in the morning because he then might not want to go to school.

The afternoon went fast. We drove to look at the requested woods and then the burger boy statue he loves. He told me how he wanted a tent and to make s’mores. He asked me at least one hundred times about seeing his teacher tomorrow and that is when I lost count.

Bedtime wasn’t what he wanted but he was asleep quickly and dreaming about his days ahead. I go for my MRI tomorrow and then on to the next steps. I appreciate all the prayers and support everyone is giving me. I’m thankful for Owen’s incredible progress. Let your heart shine bright and make your dreams come true. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I think I woke up every hour last night and it was probably because of all the noises I heard. Then Owen woke at four and that was that. He knew we had a full day ahead and he also knew that he didn’t want to waste a minute of it sleeping.

“Tablet tablet,” he said and quickly followed it up with “You know the answer.” There are phrases that I would use hoping that he would make the connection that he already knew or understood what was happening but instead, those have become phrases that are used to remind me that I have taught him the phrase and that’s about it.

We had about five hours before we needed to leave for his soccer game and that seems like it should already be half of the day. He wasn’t very excited about going to soccer but he was excited about going to grandma’s house and yoga. He was also excited about going to school next week and talking about the people he wanted to see.

We got ready for soccer, we drove to soccer, we got out of the car for soccer, and he was done with soccer. He went to the field and kicked the ball a little but he was ready to go to grandma’s house and that was that. We walked back to the car and off we went.

I dropped him off and ran a few errands until it was time for our yoga class. My mom brought him back to me and he wanted to go to yoga but he also wanted to go back to grandma’s house after yoga was done. Yoga is exactly what I need right now and Owen liked being there but he also wanted to make sure I knew where he wanted to go afterwards. He loved being on the swing and working with our instructor.

His grandma picked him up and I ran more errands. I went to pick up and on the way home I asked him lots of questions. Do you want to go to church tomorrow? Yes. Do you want to go fishing? No Tuesday. Do you want to go to school? Yes. Therapy Monday? Yes, yes. Therapy Thursday? Yes. Soccer? No. No. And no. Yoga? Yes. And so I have concluded once again that sports right now may not be the answer and that is fine.

He was watching a farm video and he was changing the languages. He said, “That one’s French” and it was. He went through many more and told me what it was as they were saying it. I often wonder how many languages he speaks or comprehends. I think he is coming closer and closer to being able to tell me what he understands. I have no doubt it is more than I can even imagine.

Nighttime came and once again he wasn’t thrilled that nighttime was part of something he had to partake in but he fell asleep quickly once he got in bed. I’m thankful for his progress and I hope one day that the phrase “you know the answer” happens when we all really know the answer. We will see what happens next Saturday and if soccer is a thing of our past. I might know the answer. Follow your heart, dream of tomorrow, and never give up on the miracle yet to come. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Sometimes doing nothing is the only thing I can do. Sitting, taking it all in, and reflecting on all of the moments in time seem to be where I’m at right now. And sleeping comes and goes for both of us.

Having one bathroom is probably the biggest damper on our daily schedule. Nine times out of ten if I go to the bathroom that is our wake-up call. Owen heard me and “tablet tablet” rang out. It was barely five but at least we made it that late. He went to the bathroom after me and then under the blanket on my bed he went.

His big focus was exactly what was going to happen for his day ahead. This is where it always gets dicey if I give him too much information. He started asking about his days ahead and I am trying to get him to understand schedules and what they mean for him. Calendars and anything written have always been hard for him.

I talked to him about his next two weeks and I mentioned that he would be off on the 20th since it is a West Virginia holiday. When he left to go to school he was concentrating on that day and when he came home he was still concentrating on it. This is one of these fine lines of whether I should tell him or not. He asked me numerous times all night. Each time I reminded him he had a lot of days in between now and then.

My overthinking gets me to overthink things I shouldn’t overthink but then I have to think about it anyway. He’s grown so much so now is the time to introduce more change even though it will be hard. I think about the time when even my hair being wet or pulling it away from my eyes would be hours of meltdowns. The screams still come but sometimes, most times he walks away. Each day we have to face those moments and talk through them.

I took a shower and as soon as he saw me he snarled his nose and he said, “Hair is clean.” I breathed and as I walked away I thought time for a haircut. I want to prepare him as much as I can for what is coming around the corner. I’ve had the same style for years. Maybe it’s time to have a new style every day until the moment comes when it will be completely changed.

Bedtime was met with the big ol’resistance. He wanted to do all the things tomorrow but he also wanted to stay up and not listen to me at all. We shall see how he sleeps tonight but I pray for a good night's sleep. I’m thankful for his progress and that incredible laugh he has. Let laughter shine bright in your days to come and make yourself happy. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Thankfully we slept all night. Both of us. I call Owen my little planner and he was in full swing of planning for his days ahead. He was very happy to be going to school except he wanted to see more of his people.

He was full of words and actions this morning. He got up about the same time I did and then immediately went to the bathroom. He started talking to me about what food he wanted and that he was going to need his tablet for the ride to therapy. My little planner still in full swing.

He ate two waffles and a plate full of cereal before we got ready for school. He was hoping to see all his people but I explained that he wouldn’t be seeing them all today. He still keeps talking about his new school and his new tablet. I’m thankful he is happy about it but I’m hoping that he understands after the next couple weeks he will have the next month and a half before he goes to school.

We went out to wait for the bus and it’s like no matter what else is happening in the world his focus is full bus mode. He thought the bus would turn the corner but it goes to pick up the other kids first. A lady walked by with a beautiful dog and the dog stopped and sat near Owen. The lady talked to us but Owen’s focus was completely on the corner where the bus would be coming. The dog was so well behaved and I talked with the owner about the doodle breed. She gave me some great insight and the bus was almost there. They walked off and it made me start thinking about a dog again.

Owen got on the bus and I could tell he was doing his quick inspection of what everyone was wearing before he went to sit down and then off they went. I noticed his bus driver was wearing a hat that had the number 23 on it. It was a little reminder of my Grammy because that was her number. The little reminder of an amazing woman and how much she means to me.

I picked him up for therapy and I could hear him say, “Ride the bus home” as they came up the hallway. He had a great day and I could tell the aide was already figuring out my sweet baby O is a planner. She told him he would ride the bus home tomorrow and he told her “Have a good day.” We were off to therapy and he talked about all the days ahead but didn’t concentrate on today.

We got to therapy and he was very excited to go in. He has been much calmer this past week and I’m thankful for that. Each one of his therapists told me he did a good job and I’m so thankful for how much they have all helped my son.

We got a salad and pizza on the way home. He was so happy to go through the drive-thru and talk about Gino’s new sign. He told me that it had its mouth back and its lips. He told me the sign is now smiling again and the crane people did a good job. He was thrilled to be able to see their sign whole again. The owners are amazing and talked to us about the sign. They knew how much it meant to Owen and when it got destroyed by the terrible weather they knew he would be upset. I have always loved their pizza but they have golden hearts and that means the world to me.

The night went quickly and so did the pizza. My growing boy ate two slices before I could even think about it. Bedtime was not the favorite subject again but he was sure ready to go to school tomorrow. I can’t even imagine if he didn’t love school.

Each day the path we walk is different but each day we have a choice of how to let the path influence where we go. Find the happiness inside your heart and let your story tell the victory of your tomorrow. We can’t change yesterday but we can sure change tomorrow. I tell Owen every day he is amazing. Today he said, “I know.” Don’t ever forget you are amazing, know it. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Not sleeping seems to be my trend right now. Owen is sometimes sleeping better but we both were up by five. From his bed, he kept yelling “tablet” and asking if it was morning yet.

He came back to my room and got under his blanket on my bed. He had his tablet and he was watching videos fully covered under the blanket. He asked every few minutes about seeing his teacher and if he was riding the bus home even though he knew it. We got ready and we walked out to wait for the bus. I love his love for school. The bus came and whisked him away.

When he came home from school he was in a good mood but he said, “Stay home” as soon as we headed towards the house. When the bus pulled away he ran down the sidewalk and stopped at the light pole that I told him he couldn’t go past. He waited for the bus to turn and then he came back to me.

The night went quickly and there was plenty of snacks, dinner, and fun. I pray for sleep tonight but I’m thankful for the calmer days and the excitement that continues for school. He is beyond ready for tomorrow and I’m thankful he had a good day.

The hardest part is the hardest part. How do you explain something to others when you can’t even explain it to yourself? How do you talk about something you never want to think about? When do you even start talking about it or not talking about it? The word is simple the definition is hard.

My amazing son sees me and wants me to be the picture he can process. That picture is most likely about to change. He has come so far so I hope the days ahead will not be hard for him. This momma’s heart prays for each step we take and together we will get through the challenges that will lead to our victories. For this, I pray.

I’m trying to embrace this journey with humor because crying seems too real. It’s not that the tears haven’t come, but the laughter seems to be the only way I can handle it with the tears floating in my eyes. The jokes are easier to deal with than the reality of one more life change.

Writing the words might even be harder than saying the words but this is the journey I am on. I have breast cancer. I told Owen, knowing he wouldn’t understand, and he said, “Good night mommy I love you tablet tomorrow to therapy.” Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Let yesterday go and make tomorrow the most amazing day ever. Smiles to all and donut daze!

So far I know I will have surgery, chemo, and radiation but do not know the order and I keep praying for… so I would love your prayers too.

Owen was very ready for all his things. He woke extremely early but he had a lot on his mind. He was talking about his best friend and he said he wanted to go fishing but I was skeptical if it would happen.

He played with his tablet and kept asking me to help him with his game. He asked about his teachers and which one he would be seeing for summer school. He knows which one he’s going to see, but he still references all of the others.

We went out to wait for the bus and it was only a few moments before they were here. It’s always so exciting to me how much she loves going on the bus. I’m thankful for how much they love my sweet baby O.

Tuesdays are for staying home and waiting for Wednesdays but he said he had a good day and he doesn’t always explain this or reference it. He was waiting for his friend to show up at school even though he knew he is not going but he was happy, happy for tomorrow. He misses his bus drivers from the regular school year but he likes the bus driver he has now too. Plus his aide is amazing and he really likes her.

He was calm through the evening. He wanted to play with me more and we laughed a lot. His smile is so amazing and he sang a lot of songs. I love hearing him sing out randomly. It makes my day.

The growing boy ate a lot and he wasn’t exactly thrilled about bedtime but it didn’t take long for him to be in dreamland. I’m thankful for a great day for him and I know he will have a great tomorrow. Through challenges we grow and tomorrow will be our victories. Celebrate each and every one of your victories. Smiles to all and donut daze!