I was asleep early and awake even earlier. I woke by three and Owen followed by a little after four. Exhaustion was the name of the game today and not one thing sounded good or tasted like it should. I was thankful for the medicine they had already prescribed for me.

Owen knew we were staying home today. We have several busy days ahead. He immediately said, “Stay home” and took his tablet back to his bed. He was quiet and he was calm. I was very thankful for this.

I fixed his breakfast and he started talking about summer break. I know that the transition from July to August will be hard for him even though he knows he has several weeks left until school. I pray the days go quickly for him and that he can process each day separately.

He was in a good mood all day. Something else I was very thankful for. I can see the little boy turning into a preteen. It is both a blessing and hard to believe. The little boy is still there though and I see him cycling through behaviors that he did when he was so tiny.

He found a game from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse he hadn’t played in years. He was beyond excited about it. He had to build the rocket ship for the space adventure. The pure joy washed over him again and again. I love his excitement and that is what got me through the day. He wanted me to play it with him off and on for hours and I was happy to play so I could see his smile.

The translation game is in full swing. His laugh made my heart so happy as he asked Siri to translate more phrases. Sometimes he says too many words and then the translation takes a mind of its own. The laughter erupted so many times as she answered something silly that was nothing like what he was saying. My heart soared once again.

He was excited about his therapies tomorrow and kept asking about the order for them. We are possibly going to an event at his other therapy place depending on how our morning goes. I’m hoping that we can because I think he will truly enjoy it.

Focus on the good stuff. That’s what I keep reminding myself. Owen’s joy is what got me through today. I remind myself that each day is a gift. Find what makes your heart happy and go after your dreams. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen slept all night and for this, I was so very thankful. I only woke up once last night and slept until after four. I was feeling better than I did last night but still a bit queasy. The exhaustion was there too but thankfully as the morning went on my stomach was feeling better.

I hadn’t told Owen all that he was doing today because I knew it might be on his mind when he went to bed and cause him to wake early. He was going to be with his grandma for most of the day but he was also meeting his new speech therapist. I was excited about this for him. He loves meeting new people and I was hoping this would be a good fit for him. I was also happy we were trying a new place because it would give him more interactions on how to handle himself with all of these changes. To me, the learning experience is as much about the steps he takes as what he is learning with the actual therapy.

We got ready and he spent time with his grandma while I had my physical therapy. Even though I was exhausted I was able to do more of the exercises than the last time and felt stronger. When my appointment was done my mom brought Owen to me for his speech appointment. I was so thankful for how it went. I think he made a connection with the new therapist and she was very kind.

When we were done with his appointment he went to stay with my mom for a few hours and I came home and slept. I was feeling better but exhaustion was right there. I was thankful for the time to sleep and felt better when I woke up. I picked Owen up and we had dinner. My appetite is not even something I can figure out yet. What should sound good sounds awful and what I think would not go over well sounds great but I have to pay attention to my stomach.

The laughter filled the air as the night went on. Owen’s laugh is truly my blessing. The moments I feel weak or like I will cry his laugh brings me into the moment and I know what this journey is all about. He is my greatest gift and I’m so beyond thankful.

“Thirty-oneth,” he said, trying to tell me tomorrow was July 31st. We practiced it several times after that and by the end of the day he was saying it correctly but I might like his version better. I think back to how far he has come and all the words he said to me today and I’m truly thankful. He went through phrases with Siri and Alexa that he hadn’t asked them in a while and the laughter was even bigger. “Something went wrong please try again in Arabic,” he said giggling before she could even translate. He asked for phrases in German, Spanish, and French within moments after that.

The night ended with him telling me all of the videos he had found that have broken links or are no longer available. This used to cause screams and now he told me them all so calmly. Oh, how my sweet baby O has grown.

Bedtime was quick for him and I know it will be for me too. I’m thankful I’m feeling better than yesterday. I’m praying for more of an appetite tomorrow. It’s funny how something like this can make you learn to live again. Don’t let today go by without making tomorrow a priority. Be joyful in each day and let that bring your heart the happiness you deserve. Smiles to all and donut daze!

There was not much sleep for either of us last night but surprisingly I didn’t feel exhausted like I had been. I woke up numerous times to go to the bathroom and then the last time at three Owen got up. My stomach was a tiny bit uncooperative but it wasn’t bad. I ate some crackers and it was much better. I can tell I tried to mix too many foods too late in the night.

Owen was very concerned about Friday not being school yet. He is so ready for his day. I tried to get him to go back to bed but he wanted his tablet and that was that. After the initial first few interactions about his tablet, he remained calm for most of the day, only being upset at a few moments as the day wore on.

The morning was spent talking about how many days were left until school started again, who was going to be there, and that it would still be summer break on Friday. He is struggling with the timing of all the days. I wish I had a better way to make the connection for him but I’m thankful he is at least looking at the calendar with me and talking about the notes he uses with my mom for their days. It is huge progress.

We went to his music therapy today and he did well. That made me so happy since last week was so hard for him. She told me there were even distractions with one of the lights in the room so they had to move but he handled the transition well. Once again I felt like it was huge progress.

When we came home he was calm all the way to the one last stop sign. As soon as I put on my turn signal the screams erupted and it was an instant meltdown. I’m not sure why today was harder with turns and roads and other days they are not. I’m sure there are many factors but I always wish I knew how to help him. Thankfully by the time we turned our last turn, he was fine.

The rest of the day was spent with him trying to figure out how to convince me that he could see his grandma on Friday. He is going to be with her tomorrow but he was still very focused on Friday. This question did not stop all day. She has a few things she needs to do but hopefully, it will work out so he can.

The laughter filled the air once again especially the closer it got to bedtime. He was singing a lot and watching the shadows fill the room. I’m always amazed at what he comes up with to ask Siri and Alexa to translate. He was yawning at bedtime and out quickly. Tomorrow is a big day for him. He will meet a new speech therapist so I’m hoping it all goes well.

Today was probably my roughest day. The fatigue wasn’t as bad but nothing tasted good and my stomach stayed a little upset all day but truly feel blessed and praying for another great day tomorrow. Every single day is a gift. Love hard, be kind, and experience gratitude. Life should be about joy. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Each day I pray for a good day. Each day I pray for connections and understanding for Owen and me. And today I feel like so many bridges were crossed. I once again slept better than I had in a very long time. I woke up once at midnight and thankfully my bathroom trip did not wake him up. I woke again after five and he made it to almost seven. Prayers were already answered.

Tired is the name of the game for me but tired is a daily occurrence so truly I’m used to that part. My lips feel a little dry still but I am drinking a lot of water and it is helping this. They are all minimal distractions for my body but the important part is my soul feels refreshed. I am truly feeling blessed in these moments and thankful for the continued prayers I am receiving. They are working.

I can’t imagine if this happened when he was younger. He couldn’t even handle all the phone calls back then, not to mention my hair and so much more. If I would receive a phone call years ago it would lead to hours of meltdowns and him screaming the entire time I was on the phone. So I’m thanking God that it is now and not then. Believe me, it is something to be so grateful for. He has been so calm for me the last few days and the connections are growing.

Church was exactly what I needed today. Owen enjoyed his time and I sat behind the cameras helping to record the service. Being at church is my comfort in the storms around me. Find peace and tranquility where you can. Life is hectic and finding calm will make peace with your soul. I always try to control a scenario instead of letting the day just happen and adapt when needed. I am learning to breathe all over again.

A lady gave Owen gum as we walked out the door. He was as happy as a lark and thoroughly enjoyed his gum. He must have asked ten people on the way out so I’m thankful she gave him some. I have gum for him but he still wants to talk to everyone about theirs. He is growing up so fast.

“Cook it in the oven then you take it out it hot,” Owen said without taking a breath between any of the words. He was jumping up and down near the oven watching his requested fish cook. I am so thankful he doesn’t attempt to touch anything when it is hot. We worked on that skill over and over again, stressing the importance of being careful. The timer chimed and he said, “It’s ready time to eat.” Oh, how I love the joy my son radiates for so many things. I love how his life produces these beautiful moments of sunshine.

Dinner ran into bedtime and bedtime ran into talking about everything we are doing this week. The calm washed over him again today and that I was thankful for. And I was calmer for this. Let today be your new beginning. Let tomorrow be your joy. And let your future be good for your soul. Today is your day to begin. Smiles to all and donut daze!

A good sleep report from us. I woke up around two to go to the bathroom and then woke up again after six. Owen woke up about fifteen minutes after me and was very calm. I was still a little tired but truly feeling fine. A few little things like dry lips and tiredness were nothing I felt like I couldn’t handle so onward with our plans for the day.

We were off to soccer and then I would take him to see his grandma while I went to lunch with a friend. I knew soccer was not going to be something he wanted to spend a long time at so we went to get his medal and then I told him we could leave anytime.

When we got there he made a beeline to his friends and then kept walking to the other side of the pavilion. They had food and I asked him if he wanted some but he was on a mission. “Lay down lay down,” he said and immediately started laying on the grass. He did this a couple more times and then he got his medal, still not wanting to sit or to eat. We left not long after that and he couldn’t wait to get grandma’s house.

We got there and he told me bye. He was ready for his grandma's time. I headed off to meet my friend for lunch. It was so wonderful to be with her. We had such a nice lunch and truly made my day. After lunch, I went back to pick him up and we stayed another hour or so.

My mom gave me a daily prayer book for my journey and she has one too. She wrote a beautiful message to me and those words I cherish. The support she gives me does my heart a world of good and I’m beyond thankful to have such an incredible mother.

The car ride home was mostly calm. He tried to act like he was going to kick the door but I told him that he wouldn’t have his tablet tomorrow for church if he did. He immediately stopped doing it and was fine the rest of the way home.

We had stopped to get dinner on the way home and he ate most of it but had eaten right before we left my mom’s so I don’t think he was as hungry. He played the rest of the night and talked to me about school nonstop. We are in the home stretch and he is so ready.

The light was shining through the window above our door. For years I had to tape up the window because the light reflecting in the room through this window would cause him to have huge meltdowns. Then one day he told me to take the paper off. He danced in the shadows today. This is how it started with him before. He first loved it then it bothered him because he could concentrate on the rays and where they landed or this is how I saw him handling it. I pray that he enjoys it now and it doesn’t become a problem for him again.

Nighttime came quickly for both of us. He didn’t want to go to bed again so I reminded him that he wanted to take his tablet with him to church and if he didn’t go to bed he wouldn’t have it tomorrow at church. I am thankful that I have found something that motivates him. It is hard when no prizes work or rules set in stone will change his mind if he wants to do something so thankfully this connection has been working and it is the first step towards him understanding what discipline means. I’m proud of how far he has come.

He fell asleep quickly and I know I will too. I love that he is making so many connections and watching him grow is my happiest moments. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Here is to a blessed day and still no sickness for me. Be the song you want to sing, be the rays of sunshine you want to see, and be happy in your soul. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I woke up only once last night and slept better than I probably have in years. I was feeling better than I could have even imagined. One more blessing for the start of our day. I woke after five and Owen woke up way after me. He knew we had his appointment this morning and he was excited to go.

We ate some breakfast and got ready. The drive there was perfect. He was extremely calm and listened to me all the way to the doctor’s office. He handled everyone not being in blue pants and was able to answer the doctor’s questions. I talked with him about how we were handling my breast cancer diagnosis and that he was going to middle school in August. I’m so thankful for how he handled it all. The doctor wants to meet a week after he starts school so that he can help Owen with any transition issues he may be having.

We got breakfast before we came home and it started the food trend for the day. I believe Owen is growing. He is branching out again with food choices and that makes me very happy. Lunch followed breakfast very quickly and dinner seemed like an all night event.

I may or may not have started an avalanche I can’t stop. I told him he would be going to high school after middle school. He has decided he wants to skip middle school and go right to high school. He wants to watch 87 which is the Disney Channel to him and sit in the classroom with his friends. All afternoon he wanted to discuss high school and I feel like this is going to be something he will want to talk a lot about.

He spent the evening singing songs and playing games. I am thankful for him being very calm throughout the day. I am also very thankful for how I felt all day long. I was a little tired and my lips were dry but otherwise, I felt good. I was able to eat all day and I drank a lot of water. I feel very blessed.

The night came quickly and Owen was very excited about the days to come. Tomorrow is his last day of soccer. He was more excited about seeing his grandma than going to soccer so we will see how long he will want to stay. I will probably wait a few years until we try sports again. I think he likes more individual activities but if a different type comes up we might try it. I want to give him all the opportunities I can but I also want him to be able to choose what he loves.

Each day is a gift and I’m thankful for the gift of calm for Owen and no feeling of sickness for me. I know that the prayers and good thoughts have truly blessed me today and always. Be blessed in your day and know that the sun will shine on you in everything you do. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I slept until about four and Owen came to me at least an hour later. I was thankful he woke up happy and calm. He came and gave me a big hug. He knew that he was going to grandma’s and I was getting medicine for my “medicine box.”

Since I started this cancer journey I wanted to make sure Owen could understand it as much as possible. When I knew I was going to get a port put in I started explaining to him what it was. The best way I could explain it to him was needing to be gentle with me because of the “medicine box” which is the name I gave the port. I figured he would be able to handle that name because understood about needing medicine. Now he gives me gentle hugs.

My hair is still a big issue for Owen but I’m going to try and get another haircut again soon. I talk to him a lot about it and want him to understand that he can get his haircut short too if he likes. I told him it would grow back but mommy is trying something new. I want him to be a part of the journey in every way he can so he will understand it in a way that helps him with the connections.

We got ready and we met his grandma. He was going to stay with her and my friend was going to take me to the cancer clinic and stay with me. I was thankful Owen would be with my mom and that would help him remain calm. He went to his therapy later in the day with her and it went well.

My day was pretty much an all-day event. Lots of medicine pumping through my veins. I’m thankful for an incredible team that just keeps growing. I had a great nurse today and he helped me with all the steps. As soon as he looked at my port I knew it was going to be a great day. he said woah this looks great. You could tell in his excitement it was healing nicely. He talked about how well it was healing and all was going well with it. This made me extremely happy.

Throughout the day bag after bag was changed and he was very precise on what he was telling me. They have this down to a science and I’m thankful for everyone on the journey with me. They have tons of volunteers who bring arts and crafts around to work on with us and a snack tray that came as often as we wanted something. Truly for what was happening, I could not have asked for a better day.

We picked Owen and my friend brought us home. He was very calm for the rest of the night. I was so thankful he had a good day. We played some songs and we ate dinner. It was a nice night. I asked him if he remembered where I was today and he said getting medicine. I am glad that he is making these connections.

Bedtime was not something he welcomed but was asleep quickly. He has an appointment for us to go to and then he said he did and also said he did not want to go to lunch with Grandma so we will see. Cherish the memories and make many more. Let bygones be bygones and make your moments grow. Smiles to all and donut daze!

O was very calm today. He slept until after five. I was thankful for that. He said, “Stay home” and seemed to be fine with that but I thought we would see how the day went. I was not going to push it since he was so calm but I knew if he asked to go somewhere we would.

The morning went great and he was doing fine. The dude is packing away the food. He ate his first and second breakfast and it didn’t seem long until lunch and then a snack was devoured. I am glad he eats a wide variety of food. He wanted fish for lunch and chicken for dinner.

He started talking about going to the park at lunch. Sometimes he says things and he doesn’t want to do them but wants to see what I say. I told him we could go if he wanted to. He finished his lunch and then off to play again.


I asked Owen if he remembered what I was doing tomorrow and he said, “Getting medicine.” He will go stay with his grandma while I am at the chemo session tomorrow. I am ready to get this going. I am glad that he is starting to understand about all of my appointments and what is happening.

Over the last few weeks, I have gotten lots of phone calls. Thankfully now he is better with phone calls. I think back to the days when a thirty-second phone call would make him have meltdowns that would last for hours. Now when I get calls he may interrupt three or four times but he will at least let me talk without screaming at me. He wants to know who it is but mostly will say “doctor” when anyone calls and I confirm that it is so it will be easier for him. He wants to remind me to tell them “toodles toodles” when the call is over. This is huge growth for him and everyone understands when they are talking to me I may need something repeated several times but I am so thankful for how far he has come.

He decided he did want to go to the park so we went to the one with the lake. He played on the equipment but he wanted to go in the lake. I told him he couldn’t swim in this one but maybe we could go fishing before that or another lake he can swim in. He loved the swing and wanted to be pushed into the clouds. Our friend met us there to drop something off for me and he was so excited to have someone else to push him to the clouds as well.

Dinner, bath time, and bedtime seemed to flow right into each other. He was very focused on school and when he got to go back. He wanted me to say he was all done with school even though he knew he would be going back in August. Thankfully he fell asleep quickly and he is happy he will be spending the day with his grandma.

Tomorrow is my first chemo treatment. I’m ready to get this show on the road. This is not the path I thought I would be on right now but it is the journey I am taking. I’m not scared. I’m not afraid. I’m not fearful. I know that God is on this journey with me every step of the way and that gives me the strength to face tomorrow. I have voted for the no-sickness route and I know that tomorrow will be the next day towards the rest of my life. I’m in it to win it.

I’m thankful Owen had a good day. He had some anxious times but through this, there is always growth. I believe in the many tomorrows to come for both of us and the stronger we will be together. Find strength in knowing that you have overcome circumstances you never imagined would be put in front of you and tomorrow is that stepping stone to an amazing life. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen woke up and went to the living room. I heard him talking to himself. It felt like a happy morning was beginning for him and I prayed it lasted all day. I could hear him walking back and forth. I didn’t want to interrupt him so I waited until he came to me. He came to me and said, “Tablet.” Our day began.

He was excited because he knew he was going to see his grandma while I went to my physical therapy appointment. He knew they were going to get breakfast and go see his favorite statue the burger boy. It always amazes me what he decides to like or see. When we leave his grandma’s house he always wants to go see three fire hydrants. I tell him we can’t go every time. If we do exactly the same thing every time it causes more meltdowns if any detours or changes happen.

We got ready and out the door we went. He was ready for grandma time and I headed off to my appointment. I worked hard at my appointment and then went back to pick up Owen. His grandma said he did pretty well and only had a few moments while they were driving around. We came home and it was a much calmer afternoon.

I feel like he was eating from the minute we returned home. I’m not sure if it was technically second or third breakfast but for almost lunch time he asked for his third set of pancakes and chicken. It didn’t take long and it was all gone. I think dinner was about the same way.

The care center at the cancer clinic I will be having my treatments called today to set up an appointment so that I can take Owen with me to meet with one of the counselors. I wanted to be able to see if they could help explain all of this to him in another way and to make him a part of it. I love that they do this and I hope that having another point of view of how to explain it to him will help.

Nighttime seemed in slow motion for me but it’s probably because I was up so early. All my days seem to be flowing into each other. We plan on staying home tomorrow so I think that will be good for him since we have another busy week ahead. His laughter warms my heart and I’m thankful for a pretty good day. Let yesterday go and make tomorrow shine. Smiles to all and donut daze!

A busy day for us started very early this morning. We had lots of appointments for both of us. Sleep is still evading me but I was thankful Owen slept until right when we needed to get going.

He was going to his grandma’s this morning while I went to have my pet scan done. Thankfully it went well and only took a couple of hours. After the scan, I went to pick him up for his music therapy. He had a nice time with his grandma but he continuously focuses on the days ahead. It is hard for him to concentrate in the moment.

We got ready to leave and he was excited about going to music therapy. The ride there took a little extra time because one of the lights wouldn’t change. We sat there for three cycles and it never changed to green. Finally, we got going and thankfully Owen handled it well.

When we got to music therapy his therapist wasn’t wearing blue pants and he was very upset. He is cycling back through this behavior. My heart breaks for him. It also seems the more someone means to him the more it upsets him when they don’t have blue pants on. This feels like it is escalating again for him. Since his routine has been so out of sorts lately I feel like he is trying to make connections in any way he can. He wanted her to promise she would wear blue pants tomorrow. She said she was able to calm him through the session and did his routine exercises. She walked with us out to the car and that helped him relax more.

I wasn’t sure how it would go on the way home. We worked on a few breathing exercises but he was completely calm all the way home except the street before our house that he wanted to turn on. I was thankful he was calmer. I can only imagine how his brain processes all of this. As soon as we got out of the car he walked towards the house and he was calm again. He ate lunch, a snack, and requested more of his lunch. Thankfully he was very calm the rest of the afternoon.

We got ready to go to his vision therapy appointment and I told him that we had to be kind to people that weren’t wearing blue pants. On the way there I had him help me look for people walking and we discussed what they were wearing. I wanted him to realize that everyone was wearing different clothes and it would be fine. He pointed out several people and told me exactly what they were wearing. I truly pray he is not going down the blue pants pathway again.

He did better at vision therapy. Thankfully he was calmer. He was still on a repetitive track but he at least was able to work on the exercises and did most of them correctly. I am thankful for his therapists and doctors who poured so much love into my son and helped us through those harder days.

I know that he is going through an emotional rollercoaster right now and he can feel my emotions with everything I am going through as well. I pray for calm days. I pray for connections and understanding. I pray for school to hurry up and get here because I know how much he loves it. He sat asking Siri to translate so many words and phrases right before bedtime again. His adorable little laugh and the smile on his face that I don’t even have to see to know is there made my night. Learn to laugh with all your might and love the world even more. Smiles to all and donut daze!