Owen slept all night, in his bed, after falling asleep later than normal. He woke up exhausted. I need to try to adjust our sleep schedule. Mine isn’t exactly the best either, falling asleep way past midnight most nights myself. I can tell in general sleep has been helping him though. He’s been able to focus more and express his thoughts. The art of repeat as I’ve always called it is still in full swing. You don’t just answer Owen one time or even ten times on a particular subject you answer it a hundred times or he will repeat a response to you a hundred times. It’s how he processes the moment. He needed to know his schedule this week. He wanted to know when he would see his grandma. He also needed to know if he was going to see his teacher and if he would ride the bus. He wants everything in order. He still hasn’t adapted to calendars or lists that we use. He wants the words. I hung a calendar up with his daily routine. He knows the days of the weeks, he can tell me what he does each day of the week, but he doesn’t understand the reference with the calendar. It will come. We’ve come so far already. He used to cover my hands when I would use sign language and any picture cards I would use got thrown on the floor. And for two days straight I’ve been able to put my hair up without him pulling it down or having a meltdown. He sees the world around him in picture mode. I have to look like mommy but we have been working on the transition of how mommy can look many different ways. I used to cry because he would come running across the room, yelling, and then pulling at my hair if I would even try to gather it on the top of my head. It’s been years since he’s seen my hair wet, but slowing I’m introducing him to the different ways he can see me. I don’t know if I am doing the process right but keeping the meltdowns at bay we’re always my top priority. It’s daunting and lonely some days trying to figure out which way to turn, governed by ever-changing rules of your child. All I want to do is hug his anxiety away, knowing that me holding my hair started the process. Today I’m stronger. I’m learning and growing, like Owen is. Together we are getting through life one step at a time. Know that you are not alone. Find your strength and keep moving forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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I want to say the supplements are working for Owen, but he also seems to be waking a lot earlier and then getting into bed with me. Most nights he does fall right back asleep, with or without his blanket. The last few weeks have been beyond stressful. I’ve been trying to go with the flow, but I am not really good at going with the flow, even though I tell myself I’ve got this it seems like I’m a puddle of mud in the middle of the floor most days. I try to keep calm, but that seems to be a chore within itself. I’m amazed at the words Owen continues to put together and how he is expressing himself. I was standing in the kitchen, pouring some coffee. Owen came to me, standing patiently beside me, something that generally doesn’t happen. He waited until I was done and then handed me his tablet. I could see he wanted me to log into one of the apps they had used at school, but I wanted him to ask for it. I started the response, by pointing to my mouth, and saying, “I”. Thinking he would say, “I want help pwease”. Instead, he said, “I want TeachTown pwease”. He’s asked for many specific things, but sometimes it still catches me off guard when he tells me exactly what he wants. I longed for these days. I remember practically begging him to speak to me, knowing that wasn’t how it worked, but hoping he would do it anyways. I explained to him that he needs to look for other ways in his brain to talk to me, that he was a miracle, and he could do it. I kept telling him I believed in him. Those days were so emotional, these days are too. He’s come along way and I tell myself I have too. I’m thankful for his words and his gift of knowing how to make me smile. How do you explain a loneliness in your soul, even when your child was sitting right next to you. It took a long time for Owen to truly interact with me, not even wanting to look me in the eye, and here he is now saying “I wuv ewe” exactly when I need it. Never give up hope. Believe in yourself and the rest will follow. Today is but one moment in time. Keep looking for those rays of sunshine even when the skies are grey. Smiles to all and donut daze!
When life hands you lemons and really you need the whole lemon tree, what do you do. I pray. And Owen’s answer, “we need to go to church you need to go to church”. I explained to him I wasn’t sure if we could go to church today because our car is broken. He said, “church will pick you up”. I don’t think he knows how perceptive that statement actually was. I stood in the bathroom at church, crying, looking at my bruised and slightly painted arm. I walk into things a lot and painting seems to be my go-to peacemaker for my ever bumping heart these days. We painted this morning, in-between my bouts of sadness it brought a sparkle to my eye, knowing I’m working through life with my son. There are a thousand moments in time and this is just one second in an unwritten history. Breathe through the hard times. Sometimes asking for help is the hardest thing to do. One sets out to conquer the world but sometimes the world feels like it leaves you crumbling. Today I feel blessed. Today I am emotional. And today I sat behind the veil of the video camera, hiding my emotions from everyone but God. I could cry there. I focused the camera through tears, knowing that God was hearing my cries. I kept thinking about Owen’s words and knowing that the church would pick me up. We are not meant to walk through the shadows of darkness alone. We got home and I looked at Owen sipping away on his milk, knowing that because of him I’m a stronger more determined person. Life is full of challenges, but through perseverance and a belief that great things will come mountains can be moved and lives can be changed. I’m thankful for Owen’s inspiration every day. I learn more about myself and the world through the heart of my son. Find your inspiration and motivation and make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
My nerves are made up of spaghetti right now. My life doesn’t always go according to plan and there is a myriad of other things invading my thinking space. Today I’m concentrating on literally putting one foot in front of the other. I ate sugar a week ago and until yesterday my body was screaming at me for every step I took. For that matter even sitting was hard. I’m pretty mad at sugar for being so mean to the arthritis in my body. Doesn’t it know how much I love it. So here I go on the better food choices from now on. Last week was my big hoorah for meeting my weight goal, knowing I would pay for it. Learning to let go of food as a comfort is hard. I have to forgive myself for the moments I do eat for the comfort I seek, but now I have to realize how hard it is for my body. Today was our “coffee shop den bowling den grandma” day and I had one very serious bowler on my hands. He’s still learning how to actually hold and throw the ball down the lane. He is great about putting his fingers in the holes and he will keep them there as I move through the motion. He however wants strikes each and every time. I explain to him the process of bowling and how he will learn to guide the ball. We watch training videos at home, as well. He stays focused on the ball and pins. As we were leaving he said, “bye-bye bowling pins sees you later”. All I thought was I’m glad I had the armband on us so he didn’t run down the lane again to tell them bye close up. Today is one moment in time. Through the rain, the sun will still shine. Be kind to your soul, embrace who you are, and be proud of your accomplishments.
The words, the glorious words were flowing yesterday. They were all referencing his schedule and what was going to happen over the next few days. School is back in session and my boy couldn’t be happier. The minute Owen leaves school he is asking to go back. He asks for it as he goes to bed and when he wakes in the morning. His teacher said he is doing well in school and progressing nicely. He slept later this morning but still came to my bed with the now trademark Linus walk. It makes my heart sing. I decided to find another blanket that will hopefully compare to this one. We shall see how that quest goes. I went to the store I got it from yesterday, but they didn’t have anything similar. It had been several years so I wasn’t holding on to much hope, but I still had to try. Since it’s a blanket I’m really not too worried about losing it, but they still get worn after a while. I remember my mom telling me a story about my brother having a favorite blanket and it got to the point where she would pin pieces of it on his clothing because that’s all that was left from it. It’s only been a few days for Owen to be attached to this blanket, but as soon as he comes home it is the second thing he grabs now; the first being his tablet. I’ve been trying to give him more tasks to do when he comes home, hoping this helps him with life skills. He wants things sometimes instantaneously, not understanding that I can’t magically produce the object he wants. He’ll scream until I get his milk or keep pushing his tablet at me until I help him with the choice he wants to make. I try to get him to understand that I can’t always take the item he is trying to hand me depending on what I am doing. This aggravates him. From an early age, I would try to explain when I was holding something hot or my hands were full, but he hasn’t been able to always process this and make the connection. I see progress though. Through his eyes, I learn a lot about the world and myself. Know that you are a lot stronger than you think and find what lights up your world. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I watched Linus, I mean Owen come to my bed at three in the morning, carrying the blanket over his shoulder yet again. Okay, so why is he waking up again in the middle of the night and now what to do about the blanket. Do I encourage the blanket or do I discourage it. He’s got tons of blankets in his bed and in mine, but now this one blanket is the one he wants. These and other fine questions run on the hamster wheel in my brain all day long. The attachment to a certain item can be hard on both of us. If it is lost or the location of the item is not where he needs it to be our day can spiral quickly. I’m very thankful that Owen hasn’t been attached to many items because of this. However, I also know that it does give him a sense of security and comfort. So the search now begins for a second blanket like the first one so that we have a backup blanket. None of the other blankets compare so far to the large king-size blue blanket that gets dragged everywhere. Then I have to decide if I can find one that compares to the same texture will color matter and should I change the color so that it doesn’t matter. Queen of Overthinking reporting for duty. He has always been fascinated by blankets and has used them for the sensory input he needed. As a baby and small child, I couldn’t put any blankets in his bed with him. He somehow found a way to wrap them around his head. I was afraid to have anything in his bed with him at all. I talked with his doctor and therapists about my concerns. As he got older the doctor told me that it would be fine to start putting blankets in bed. It was at least another year before I put a cover sheet or blanket with him. Now watching him sleep with his blanket those memories flood through my mind again. But I know as he sleeps he moves so much the blanket will quickly be tossed around. Sleep has always been one of those things that I want to help Owen through, but we always seem to struggle with it. He’s very happy today and his smile lights up my world, encouraging me to stay strong. Find your strength, shine your light, and know that you are amazing. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Not only is my plate full, I think it’s broken and a little wobbly. And I’m not sure it matches anything else I own. But today’s “looking on the bright side day” and boy is it a pretty plate. We all got something. Not one person walks this earth without feeling like they need a bigger plate. Owen lost another tooth yesterday. This gave him a little more comfort through his night. He woke around five, got into bed with me, proclaiming, “bwanket wanna bwanket”, and immediately he was off again. I felt like I was watching Linus from the Peanuts comic strip walk back to my bedroom. I have a huge king-size blanket in the living room that he falls asleep under a lot of nights. Here it was over his shoulder, being dragged across the floor, and coming into the bed that already had tons of blankets and pillows. What’s one more. He then shouted out his teacher’s name a few times and the fake snoring commenced. Ahh, the comfy sounds of one of us falling asleep. Somehow the fake snoring leads to real sleep for Owen a lot of times. I don’t get it, but the sound or energy he uses puts him back to sleep. He was only asleep for about ten minutes when he woke again ready to start his day. I wasn’t even out of bed and he wanted me to have my “pants on”. The unwritten rules of what is expected of me grow daily. He wants me to do certain steps at certain times. I always feel like I’m one second late to those Saturday SAT tests that we had to take and I’ll have to reschedule. I try to stay ahead of the curve, but when the curveball gets thrown anyways you have to roll with the punches and avoid them as much as possible. Once we got up he was ready to get to the bus. He talked about his diaper, wanting it changed. That felt like huge progress. He then ignored all the next steps to get ready, but he was still excited about going. We walked to the bus stop and the pure joy that washed over Owen is what makes my heart sing. To be able to have joy in a world of chaos is calming and therapeutic all in one. Find your joy, sing your song, and know that you are important. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen woke in the middle of the night. I’m really not even sure what time it was. His teeth were bothering him. He got into bed with me, proclaiming, “wash your face”, immediately falling back to sleep. All I keep thinking is we have a mouth full to go through. One day at a time, I remind myself. They are worrisome to him, yet I feel like he is handling this all well. He woke later, asking for his teacher, but he did not want to get out of bed. I didn’t blame him. Some days that feels like the calmest moment of our days and I don’t even know that it is all that calm. It was raining this morning. That meant we took the car to the bus stop. This threw our morning off a little. He wants to stand there waiting for the bus. I park where he can still see the bus come down the road, but it’s not the same. I’m thankful he loves school and the bus. I often ask him what his favorite things are, knowing I won’t get an answer, but hoping that someday he’ll understand what that means. I ask him what his favorite color is, always telling him mine. I think I know a lot of the things he loves, but I want him to be able to tell me. I still cling to all the words he says, knowing how far we’ve come, and still anxious they will disappear. There have been many times where it felt like Owen lost skills or wasn’t able to use his words, but it was like he put them on a shelf, waiting until he needed them. This was very daunting and overwhelming to me at first. I was afraid he was regressing, but when this happened he was learning other skills and he had to concentrate on those steps. Some days all I could do was scream out to God, praying he would bring comfort over both of us. This is my baby, my heart, and I wanted him to be able to talk to me. I needed him to be able to talk to me. We’ve come along way from those moments. I will never forget the waiting for words, waiting for the connections, and waiting for him to look me in the eyes. All of these things can still be hard for him. All of these things are still emotional for me. My prayers haven’t really changed either, wanting a calm for both of us and knowing that we have to breathe through our days. Owen’s smile is what I cling to. His laughter fills my heart with the joy I need. And knowing he is happy gives me a sense of peace even when I don’t feel calm inside. The journey is not always easy to explain, but I’m thankful for the love of my life. Today is a moment in time. Follow your heart, dream big, and make those dreams come true. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I can’t tell you how excited I am to be back on the sleep train, at least for Owen. He has been going to sleep later, but sleeping through the night. I’ll take it. He ran to me this morning, saying his teacher’s name. I told him, yes buddy today is school. He was so happy. He repeated her name off and on for the next twenty minutes. He even listened to directions and he helped me with his clothes. He was ready to get to the bus stop. It’s almost like time stood still. He wanted to do the same things he did last year as we were at the bus stop and even the way we walked there. He likes walking backward and directly in front of me. This is something I try to discourage, but he seems to walk back in front of me no matter how I try. When we got to the bus stop one hand goes over his eye. He changes it from left to right eye, moving between hands as the moments change. He wants to stand in a certain location and he wrinkles his nose. The toothy grin he’s got going on right now finishes the picture. Before his bus arrived there was another bus that picked up a child on a different corner. The bus driver thought at first it was us but Owen wasn’t crossing the street for anything and he knew where he was supposed to stand. The bus driver realized it was the other child and Owen was back to wrinkling his nose, waiting for his bus. I’m amazed at how many words he is saying now, even though I never doubted they would keep coming, I still get amazed with the flow of his sentences. The same songs he liked as a baby still bring excitement to him and he sings those constantly. The Wheels On The Bus I feel has been sung over a million times by us, but maybe I should do the math. I would say we are closing in on it though. Every animal, person, and thing I could think of went on the bus. The past week there has been an interesting calm about him every evening. He will lay under his “bwanket” for fifteen minutes or so, not doing anything besides laying there. For my child, that very rarely finds peace in his body it at first brought uneasiness to me. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. The first few times he did it the fake snoring happened. That at least gave me a comfort that he was fine. But then he stopped doing that in the nights to come. I really am not sure what to make of it. He’s happy though, every once in a while popping his head up yelling “bwanket” and laying back down. I’m learning to embrace the moment and at that moment know that everything will be fine. Find your calm even in the storm. You are stronger than you ever imagined. Make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Sleep, glorious, glorious sleep. The cycle of sleep is in and I couldn’t be more thankful. I often wonder why the old supplements stopped working but I thought I would give them another try and they are started working again. The better sleep he gets the more sleep I get. And the better the days are for both of us. He woke with a mission, “church”. I’m not sure if he understands how the days of the week go, even though he can recite them, or if it’s the fact that we have the routine of bowling and church on our weekends. Either way, he slept late and then came to me. He stood by my bed and said, “church”, immediately crawling into bed with me, giving me “big hug”, moving over to the other side of the bed, and promptly started crying, “wash your face”. His teeth are bothering him. The one will not let go, it’s there hanging by the last possible thread it can. Almost sideways out of his mouth but still there. Now another one is loose and the process will start again. They are worrisome to him and he does better once they are out than to have them hanging there. He still fiddles with the holes in his mouth, but they don’t seem to be as much of a stressor for him. He told me he had to go potty. “Let’s go potty”, he said, “wanna go potty”. You never know how much those words mean until they are spoken and success is achieved. Today I’m beyond stressed, feeling broken in a million pieces, trying to stay focused, and not let his screams of delight stir my shaken nerves. He’s so happy. I’m trying to focus on his new toothy smile and know that today is a moment in time. Tomorrow is back to school and I know he will be ready to go. The routine of life is important to us. I took Owen to his orientation on Friday at his school. It was in the early evening. He has asked for his teacher all summer long, but as soon as we started going towards his school he started screaming. We got there and he was upset. We only stayed a few minutes and we were off again. The minute we were down the road he started asking for his teacher again and hasn’t stopped since Friday. The road traveled is not always the path you thought you would take, but life has a funny way of taking you on an unexpected journey. Autism wasn’t important to me until autism was important to me. Share your story share mine, someone needs to hear your journey. And know that you matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
March 2024
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