I fell asleep last night when Owen did but then I was in and out all night long. Thankfully he slept until after “five oh oh” which he is proudly calling the “red zone” and not the “blue zone” which is closer to five o’clock in the morning. I’m not sure how the zones were determined but here we are in new charted territory that I don’t know all the rules too.

He went through all his usual conversations and then started talking about our days ahead. It truly is amazing what he remembers and what he thinks about. He asked me when we are moving to the woods by the purple cows. I need to figure this one out so we can be near cows. Maybe he knows something I don’t.

He was also in one of his moods where I needed to be exactly where I needed to be. It was also a day that I was trying not to rock the boat but also make him think through what he is requesting of me. I asked him if he wanted to go to school. He said yes so I then asked him to tell me what we had to do to get ready. He went through the steps so I asked him if I could continue to sit and he said no. These moments can be a lot. It is hard on my emotions when he is upset because I am not sitting and he screams at me because he can’t handle me doing the steps to get us ready even though he wants to go somewhere. It is a lot for us both to process. We got ready and not long he was off to school.

He got home and amazingly the app worked. He also had a different driver. He was pretty calm when he got off the bus. He first asked about our friend we were supposed to meet and I told him she was sick. He said, “Sorry sick.” He didn’t want to go anywhere else. He was even calm when the bus came down the road in the opposite direction from the other bus driver. He told me he was upset he didn’t go by the “blue church” but he never goes by the “blue church” with any of the drivers. I guess he was thinking he could convince him to go by it because when he got off the bus he asked first about our friend and then said, “Owen mad on the bus.” I said why and he told me “No blue church.” I love that he can express more of his emotions and what he wants. I’m hoping he didn’t get upset on the bus but generally, he is pretty calm from what they have told me.

He is excited about tomorrow. We are going to breakfast with our friends whom Owen invited to go to breakfast with us. It is amazing how much he has grown and is happy about meeting people now. I’m excited for all of the amazing people in our lives who support us and understand how amazing this progress is. He asked about our breakfast many times before bedtime.

Tomorrow should be a busy day for us. After breakfast, we are going to see his chiropractor and he is so excited about it. He told me to make an appointment because it helps him. I am so thankful for his words. I know how hard he worked for each and every one of them and now to hear them fills my heart with such joy.

I told O I was heating the pizza. He said pizza mushroom and I said yes. He said, “Next time pizza olives.” I was like sure. He was sitting on the couch playing his ukulele, talking to me about pizza. It felt like a teenage moment. Life is full of surprises and through our challenges, I smiled.

I pray he sleeps tonight. Right before bedtime he got upset because I answered that he could wear shorts tomorrow but wouldn’t keep answering while he was screaming at me. We stood there breathing and he calmed down. I never imagined all the reasons he would scream at me. I reminded him that tomorrow was going to be a fun day. I walked him to his bedroom, he leaned in for his kiss on his forehead, he said his prayer again, and didn’t yell again while I walked away. I’m thankful for the laughter we shared today. Let the positive moments outshine any doubt. Smiles to all and donut daze!

The sleep train happened for Owen. I was up off and on all night. I beat him to the punchline and said, “Good morning sunshine how are you I’m fine you can have your tablet.” He laughed and said, “School I’m fine.” I told him when I got up I would take his temperature and see how his nose was doing before we decided if he was going to school.

He had no fever, he had a little bit of congestion, but no “nose flood” so I knew I would be sending him to school. I always overthink it and am extra cautious because I never want to get others sick. He doesn’t know not to sneeze on someone or how to wipe his own nose. I was thankful it didn’t get any worse and he could go to school. We got ready and went outside to wait for the bus. He was so excited to be going.

When I picked him up for his music therapy he sounded better than he did in the morning. Hopefully, he had a good day. He was very talkative and told me all the things he could and couldn’t do when he went to his vision therapy later in the day. I hoped that he would have great sessions at both of his therapies. His music therapist said he did really good.

He told me yesterday that he wanted pizza after his therapy today. He was thinking ahead. He was telling me that I forgot about his friend whom he mentions many times a day. I told him there was no way I could ever forget him. He said he is “not forgettable.” I told him don’t worry you won’t let me forget him. He said, “I know.”

We came home for a little bit before his vision therapy. I asked him what he wanted on his pizza and he said, “Mushroom pizza!” A few weeks ago I ordered a calzone that had sausage, black olives, and mushrooms so I knew he liked the mushrooms.

We went to his vision therapy appointment and he did pretty good with all the exercises. He still talked a lot instead of listening but at least he did his exercises. On the way home we got the pizza and he loved it. He was so excited to see it and ate a lot. I love that he asks for things he wants now. Makes my heart happy.

Bedtime came and he was quickly asleep. My walking him to his room has helped for now and he is asleep so much quicker. I am thankful he is feeling better and he is excited for all that tomorrow will bring. Let each day be your guide to a better tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen slept until after five and proudly announced he was going to church today. I was in and out all night but was feeling OK. I think his tummy condition yesterday was directly related to wanting to see “My Penny” his pediatrician because he kept asking if he had to wait to see her until next year. The dude loves his people. He was however sounding like he might be a little snotty when he first woke up but there were no other symptoms.

He loves going to see his pediatrician and ride the elevators. I told him that we wouldn’t be going to see her unless he got really sick but most likely he just had allergies. I need to take him to some more elevators like we used to do so that he can ride on them. I need to find some that are convenient to take him to. Most of the ones we would go on were downtown but some were hard to get to because of parking.

He was all about “the farm in the woods” as he was calling it. He added a green rooster to his farm quest today. He asked for a lion and a leopard and I told him this is where I draw the line. He laughed. I love that he is talking about it and exploring different things he wants when we move.

We ended up staying home from church because of his “nose flood” as he was calling it but I was thankful he had no other symptoms. It wasn’t too bad but I didn’t want to push it. He was eating better than yesterday. He had no fever or any other symptoms but I didn’t want to take a chance if it got worse later. It should hopefully be fine for him to go to school tomorrow. He was more hyper than yesterday and was not pleased that we didn’t go but he also worked through it and didn’t scream or get too upset with me.

I never imagined I would have to tell him not to lick a bottle of salad dressing or to put dice in his mouth. The list grew as the day went on. He was also full of how to be mean in all the languages and kept asking Alexa to translate different phrases. He talks about spitting and kicking. I pray these are all things he would get out of his system soon. In general, he is never mean but he is growing and the hormonal changes of a teenager are on their way. I try to redirect him and not show emotions about all of this but the emotions don’t fall far from the emotional apple tree.

Santa Claus was on his mind big time and was also ready for Halloween. Hyper was the name of the game today. He was in a very interesting mood. He was mostly calm but acting out at some and elevated at other times. He asked more times than I could count if he would go to school tomorrow. I told him unless he was worse he would go. I pray he is not worse. I just hope it doesn’t ruin his fun because we have a busy week ahead planned.

Sometimes the hardness of the day sticks to my soul. I try to reflect on the good stuff and not focus on today’s challenges. Thankfully Owen was mostly in a good mood but he was trying to push my buttons. Finding a balance of my emotions mixed with his emotions is always an interesting mix of emotions. I pray his allergy medicine helps him and he can go to school tomorrow. I’m thankful for the moments he still wants to sit right next to me and talk about his dreams. Follow your heart and let your dreams shine through. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Mostly a victory was had. Owen woke at 4:25 and said, “Good morning sunshine how are you today I’m fine tablet tablet” and I replied it’s not five o’clock. He went back to bed before I had to say anything else and came back a little after five. He wanted me to get up and I said no. He let me sleep until well after six.

He mentioned his grandma as soon as I got up but told me she had an appointment and asked if he could go next Saturday. Then he moved on to reminding me of all the places he has been, where all his babysitters have moved, that he went to eat in North Carolina, and all of the things he is not supposed to talk about but otherwise he was extremely calm.

I sat drinking my pumpkin spice coffee and I told him we could go anywhere he wanted but knew not to push it because that would send his morning into chaos. I switched to listening to what he wanted and trying to keep him calm because he was extremely hyper. Even though he knew he wasn’t going to his grandma’s house it still threw his routine off so I knew to ride the wave.

He started talking about moving to the woods and was increasing his wants for our new home by the purple cows. He now wants to build a birdie house and a doghouse for Frisbee the dog we are going to get. He is truly thinking through all these things he wants. He also reminded me throughout the day about the big inflatable duck he wants. I’m not quite sure where I’m going to get a purple cow, the buffalo he now wants at the farm in the woods, and an owl sitting in the tree but I’m going to try. I decided to get him a birdhouse that we could work on and paint. That would at least be step one.

He was wired all day. He told me earlier he was sick so I’m not sure if it is true. He said it was his stomach and he hadn’t eaten much since breakfast. I think he drank his milk too quickly. It doesn’t matter how much I give him in a cup at a time he will find a way to guzzle it. He wasn’t showing any signs of sickness but I still didn’t push anything with food today and let him tell me what he wanted. By the end of the day, he asked me if he was going to have to wait to see his pediatrician in February at his checkup or if he could see her sooner. I wondered if this was why he told me he was sick. He loves going to see his pediatrician and told me she would wear jeans for him.

He was in super repeat mode. He was extremely loud and would say the same thing 10 to 15 times before he would stop to let me answer. I’m used to repeat but this is a whole different level for him. Today felt like he was going through a lot of growing moments and exploring what he could get away with.

I showed him the little birdhouse we can paint and he said, “Move to the woods with the purple cows show Frisbee.” I said how many acres do you think we need? He said fifty. I said how much do you think that will cost? He said, “One airplane and five dollars.”

He was watching a video of driving around the towns near us and he told me all of the buildings, houses, and ducks that have changed colors or are no longer there. He told me what the color was before and what it is now. One of the videos he was watching was from over ten years ago. He saw a blue house and he said, “It’s yellow.” He went on and on and on. It’s wild how much he can explain now.

Nighttime came and he had one major request “Cut the paper with scissors” before he went to bed. In fact, he wanted to go to bed early so he could cut a whole sheet of paper. I am all for it because it helps his fine motor skills. We said our prayers and I walked him to his room. It was so much quicker once again for him to settle and I pray he sleeps all night so we can go to church tomorrow. I pray we find some property soon and we can move to the purple cows. I’m thankful for the laughter we shared and the growth he is making. Show your strength through the smile you share and know that you can change the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!

On today’s edition of why Owen woke up early was because he thought I didn’t tell him that today was the day our new advisor was coming and I didn’t give him a picture of her. He woke at three but I was able to convince him that she wasn’t coming today and to go back to bed. He came back a little before five but once again I convinced him that it wasn’t five and we read the clock together. How many pots of coffee can one drink in a day?

He was beyond excited about going to school, staying home tonight, and not seeing anyone unless it is the people he wants to see in the places he wants to see them, eating fruit while wearing the appropriate clothing, and being kind to everybody. I kept reminding him that nobody was coming today but I wish I had thought to tell him that last night. He went to bed more easily because I walked him to his room and made him get in bed first. He was doing good with bedtime but recently it has been a rollercoaster so I think there has to be a new approach to everything.

The morning went quickly but he was full of lots of information and still wanted to say the opposite of everything. Pears and dot markers were the talk of the town and he had so many questions. And of course, the bus app was not working again so I wanted to get outside so we wouldn’t miss the bus. We went outside but this makes him anxious waiting so long for the bus.

“They are squares,” he said moving in and out of the sidewalk squares. He wanted to “lay down lay down” on the sidewalk right near where the cars turn. I told him that he couldn’t because there were too many cars. How do I teach him to be aware of the world around him when he says things like “cars are coming” but still wants to lie down on the ground when they are nearby? The bus came around the corner and he ran off to the bus yelling to make sure he was going to see his teacher.

My mind, body, and soul felt like they had run a marathon for a hundred years by eight o’clock in the morning. Sometimes I sit and reflect on all that we went through in the mornings hoping that some new way to help him process everything will come to me but I reminded him myself of the progress he has made and I’m thankful for that.

When he got home he was in an interesting mood but at least it was a happy mood. He still wanted to do and say things that he shouldn’t but I could tell he was looking for my reaction. This was progress again for a different reason though because he let me redirect him off the subject and he didn’t backtrack to it right away.

He showed me a daycare he went to when he was young and told me he doesn’t go there anymore. Then he told me that a woman ate two bananas there. I can’t even imagine how he keeps track of the banana tally. He then started showing me more places he went to but the banana count didn’t go past two. I think about when this timeframe was and how bananas caused him incredible meltdowns so I can only imagine he does remember every single banana he has ever seen.

“Dear God thank you for amen and Owen please let Owen have tablet tomorrow amen,” he said. I think he was asking God directly for his tablet tomorrow because he knew I took it away from him several times when he would not stop screaming and laughing at me. Night two of me walking him to his bedroom after our prayers and after one more hug, he stayed in his bed. He knows he is not going to his grandma’s house tomorrow so I pray that helps him sleep tonight.

Today I hit the news I had been wanting to hear. A clean mammogram with no signs of cancer gets me one step closer to the end of this journey. I’m beyond thankful for this report and I prayed even harder tonight, thanking God for walking with me and the strength he gave me to face each day. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Cherish your victories and keep walking forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!

So I am now going back to not telling Owen anything until it is time I can tell him something. By two o’clock in the morning, he was beyond ready for his grandma to pick him up from school so he could go to his therapy. He let me know every five minutes until he finally told me to get my coffee. And so our day began.

Every time I thought he was back asleep he was in my room screaming again. He wanted to make sure his grandma was coming to pick him up from school. This was not a night that I could even think fast enough to keep ahead of him. All I could do was try to calm him down. I was beyond exhausted last night and had fallen asleep when he went to bed. He was the one who had talked to her about picking him up for therapy and now he was anxious about it because it was out of routine and wanted to make sure it was still happening.

Once I got up he kept asking when it was time for school. I told him it was still many hours before he was going to school. He was a mix between calm and excited for the rest of the time. We finally got ready and went to wait on the porch. The bus app that is supposed to be helping only causes more problems and I’m never exactly sure when the bus is coming. This makes it harder on Owen. I make sure we are out there in plenty of time because I don’t want him to miss the bus.

My mom let me know that he had a much better day at school especially since he didn’t sleep. She told me that he also had a great day with all three of his therapists. I’m glad that it has been going better for him. He was able to do more of the exercises so that was good.

He wanted to go see the “blue church” and then my mom brought him home. He wanted a video of them coming and then her driving away. He was very excited to get the video. It is interesting how much he is changing but yet so many things are the same. He never used to want pictures and videos and now he wants them from everywhere he goes. He didn’t stop asking for the video until I sent it.

The rest of the day was pretty quiet compared to our morning. He knows that he isn’t going to his grandma’s on Saturday so hopefully that will not cause sleeping issues over the next few nights. Tonight after our prayers I walked him to his room and waited for him to get in bed. I had talked to him about this earlier hoping that if he gets in bed he won’t have as many anxious moments. Tonight it worked. I pray for progress and understanding every day and today felt a little more like the progress side of life. Let your smile change the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen woke up early but he let me sleep. I’m not even sure what time the fuzzy clock said he woke up. When I got up he started talking about yesterday. He was truly working through what happened. He was also concerned about tearing people’s papers and hopefully, he gets to the point that it isn’t something he wants to do.

The morning was a mix of emotions for both of us but I can see he was still working through everything that happened. He kept asking me about wearing shorts and I told him that he was choosing to wear shorts and that he could. I then told him that I was choosing to wear exactly what I wore yesterday. We talked through it and he didn’t comment much about it except to tell me he didn’t want me in it when he comes home. I told him I would be wearing it when he got home. Right or wrong this was my stance. I had to do it.

I truly understand how people’s clothes can upset him but this is something we have to work through or we have to stay home all the time. I still remember the first time he sat on someone’s foot because they were not in blue pants. Thankfully the person handled it well but I still get emotional about every moment it was happening. He has to learn to process it, move forward, and let the other person wear what they are wearing. I try to explain to him that some people don’t get to choose what they want to wear if it is something like a uniform. It is harder for him that certain people wear it more than others but we still have to work through the process.

When he got home he did not get mad at me for my outfit. He started naming all the other things I could have been wearing but was at least calm. He said, “We do not pour chocolate milk or kick mommy.” I talked to his teacher about his opposite behaviors and how to keep working through them. I told him that he has to be kind and not laugh at people. He laughs at inappropriate moments like when I cry or am upset. He will also say the opposite of what he means because he likes to upset people. These are all behaviors we are working on. It felt like progress when he didn’t get upset with me about my clothing.

He was much calmer than he was yesterday but he was still on edge with everything. I tried not to do anything that got him going.

He said, “Read the notes Grandma pick me up.” He went into great detail about his grandma picking him up at school tomorrow to take him to therapy and that I needed to tell his teacher she would be taking him. I told him he couldn’t see her on Saturday because she had plans and we went through the other days to see you. He said he wanted to see her tomorrow. I told him that his grandma could pick him up tomorrow and he said “She read her note grandmother is picking me up.” He says “grandmother” like there is a bug in the middle of grandMOTHer.

Nighttime came and he stood in the kitchen and prayed with me. Then we said our goodnights. Thirty minutes later he was still screaming at me and repeating over and over the details of tomorrow. I tried to distract, redirect, and everything in between but the screaming continued. Finally, he made his way to his bed and I pray he sleeps all night. My heart aches that it can be so difficult for him to process everything but I cling to the progress. Find strength in knowing tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Emotions. More emotions. And a day filled with emotions. That’s how today went and that’s how it started. I share our journey so others will not feel alone. Often days like today leave me drained and my beautiful, amazing son is processing so much more than I know he can even comprehend at this point. Every day I pray for strength. Every day I pray for his understanding. And every day I pray for our days to lead to progress for both of us. Today was hard.

Sleep happened for Owen. He slept until about 5:30 when my coffee antics in the kitchen woke him up. He was happy because the routine was happening and he got to wear shorts. He was pretty calm to start but he was wondering when his best friend would waltz back into his life. And he was excited about Halloween so he could be Spider-Man once again.

I got him ready for school and he immediately started talking about what I was wearing. I told him that what I had on this morning would not be what I was wearing when he came home because I had a doctor’s appointment. He knows every outfit I have ever worn and opinions about all of them but today spun me back in time as it wore on. The dress I wore to wait for the bus turned into the pants I wore to go to my mammogram.

When Owen came home we were going to dinner with our friend. She had let me know she could go today. As soon as he got off the bus I told him but he had one thing on his mind. My pants. He cried and he screamed before we even made it into the house. Five years. Five long years clothes have become a rollercoaster ride that is standing the test of time like the banana meltdowns.

We were not going with our friend to dinner because he was having a huge meltdown over me wearing flowered pants. The screaming, the tears, the emotions, they were all right there. He kicked me, he spit on me trying to change the color of them, and when I thought he was calming down he poured chocolate milk on me.

My heart aches for days like this. He goes through times where he can handle it more and then here we are back at what feels like the first step of the ladder once again. I have taken him to every doctor, therapist, counselor, and anyone else I can think of to help us. And my heart aches.

He was calmer by the end of the day. He wanted waffles for dinner. He realized he didn’t get to see our friend and that upset him. He said, “Owen happy on Tuesday no Owen upset.” He went on to say, “Owen don’t kick mommy sorry mommy that makes mommy frown mommy sad.” He then started talking about being kind to everybody. Right after he did it he kept asking Alexa to translate “you spit hit kick mommy” in different languages and she said she couldn’t help him with that and could only help with nice things.

He told me he was sorry a lot throughout the night and I know he was processing it all. My clothes haven’t been a problem for a while but here we are back to trying to figure out how to move forward. It’s draining and difficult on both of us. I talked to him a lot about his wanting to wear shorts but expects the world to wear what he wants them to wear. I want him to understand that concept. It’s like the banana, clothes are too common to avoid when we walk out our door so he has to learn, adapt, process, something to be able to get through each day without having a meltdown over people’s clothing otherwise we can’t go anywhere. My heart aches.

I pray he sleeps tonight. And I pray I do too. Today was hard. Today was emotional. Today made me sad. I would move mountains if I could help him realize he is bigger than this and can get through this. I remind him that his brain is amazing and he can imagine everyone in blue. Five years, I can only imagine how hard this is for him but as his mommy, it is a million times harder for me. The challenges we face may be shown as the tears crawling down our face but they are tied to the soul of our growth. You will grow for tomorrow through the pain of today. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I had one happy boy because he slept all night. I slept better than I have the last few nights and I was feeling better. Owen had all the plans and couldn’t wait to hear if my plans lined up with his. I told him that he was going to his grandma’s house and from there it was nonstop talking about his day.

He wanted his grandma to pick him up at our house so that I could video his grandma pulling up to the house and them leaving. This still amazes me. First, that he can handle her coming to our house, and second, that he wants videos now. People at our house at the wrong time for the right reasons or any reason have caused more meltdowns than I can think about.

The hours that I have spent holding him while he cried because someone knocked on our door when he couldn’t handle it are unimaginable, let alone when someone stayed too long and he needed them to leave. He’s kinda, sorta better about the meltdown part but the right people at the right time have to be here. Every single day he asks me if certain people are coming and when they are coming back. He needs to know but now he wants people to drop him off at his house and pick him up. The anxiousness I still feel from it is incredible because I never know when the next meltdown or scream will come from. For now, I am embracing the baby steps from both of us.

How do I explain puberty and pimples to my now thirteen-year-old son? He had a pimple on his forehead above his eyebrow and he kept telling me he wanted to take his eyebrow off and picking at it. Hormones and exploration abound and now picking at his eyebrows to get the pimple causes another stir in my heart. I think about all the hair he pulled out when he wanted to twist his hair all the time. I pray for understanding and guidance for both of us as he moves through these waters of life.

He spent the morning with his grandma and then I went to pick him up after lunch. We stayed there for a while and I talked to my mom about how he is talking so loudly now. The loudness has become louder in our house over the last week and now I wonder if it is teenager loud, if his hearing is changing, or if he has an infection in his ears and isn’t showing any other signs. He talks louder constantly now. He used to get infections in his ears and never complained. The only way I knew would be when he would touch his ears and that was something he never did. The screaming and noises are louder but he also talks louder than he ever did before. I’m going to make an appointment with his doctor and see what the next steps should be.

On today’s edition of what does Owen want he has asked for a blue house with brown wood, white windows, a yellow door, and a black car because his best friend’s father drives a black SUV. He also wants a blue and tan room. The best part… “Duck get duck soon,” he said. I told him we would get a duck. The duck he wants and I support one hundred percent is a huge rubber ducky like they had in front of the spa and pool store near us that “flew the coop.” He wants it to sit out front of the house. It was easily ten feet tall I think. It was a big inflatable they tied down but it must have broken. We are for sure going to have one. I pray we find some property soon and I can make all his dreams come true.

“Owen Emerson do not touch mommy’s toe,” he said laughing hysterically as he touched my toe. Between that and the screaming at me tonight was quite a process. He is now truly showing those teenage moments. He laughs at everything I say or tell him to do with a big “no” and walks away. I am now having to childproof things I never even had to think about doing before because he knows nothing about danger. His fascination with “cut the paper with scissors” has him wanting scissors all the time but he truly does not understand the rule “do not run with scissors.” All the scissors are hidden but “licking the glue stick” is his next go-to phrase so away goes the glue too. The laughter tells me he isn’t processing how any of his actions could be dangerous and I pray for those connections for him. To have a child who has no fear brings every fear out in me.

It was a million stomp night before Owen could head to his bed. He asked me over and over again if he got to see his teacher tomorrow. I told him yes and redirected him as much as possible. The meltdown was only tethered by one more string before it was going to start if I didn’t calm him down. But I wanted to have the meltdown right there with him. I prayed hard tonight for God to give me strength and for Owen’s understanding. I need God’s arms around him to keep him safe and for this I prayed.

Bedtime happened for him but my mind wandered around all the day’s bumps and whistles. Tomorrow is mammogram day. I pray for an all clear. I pray for continued healing. I pray for tomorrow. Through the valleys and the challenges, I remember how far we’ve come. Walk in strength even when you feel like you are crumbling. God’s got you. Smiles to all and donut daze!