Owen slept until after six. He woke in a quiet mood but he was happy. “Be with mommy” was repeated over and over again. I said yes but we could go someplace. He screamed, “no.” When do you push, when do you sit? I feel like I have no answers anymore. He was very hungry, eating more than he has in days. He asked for exactly what he wanted and I love hearing that. It’s only a couple more weeks until he goes back to school. The routine, the structure will be so good for him. I tried to do small tasks today. It never seems like I accomplish enough to stay ahead of the tasks. But laundry was the task at hand. I do not know why I tried. It’s been one of Owen’s emotional triggers lately but staying up at night has not been as easy for me and “blue pants” have to be washed. His first meltdown was because I was folding towels. I stopped. Then I was trying to explain that if I don’t do laundry we can’t go places. This was not the way to explain it. The meltdown left me in tears and him laughing hysterically, walking away with his tablet, playing his game. How can this be so hard on my baby? Clothes are only supposed to be on the bed when we are getting dressed to go someplace. When did it get to this point, why didn’t I see this coming, how do I change this? And I’m sure I’m missing the point or the cues or the right answer. Once I sat, with no more laundry on the bed he was so happy. He heard thunder and ran to me, thinking I had moved. He wanted no more laundry done, no more unexpected movements from me, no extra words or suggestions of places to go or things to do. He wanted me to “sit right here” where he could see me and interact with me whenever he needed me to respond to one of his cues. So many emotions ran through my heart all day. I pray for guidance. I pray for strength. I pray for Owen’s maturity level and brain to catch up with each other. He asked me for a robot that sang “Old MacDonald” and he followed that with ones in Russian, Arabic, and German. He has what he wants in mind though because I’ve showed him several I could order and he runs from me. He has watched videos of the same one he has but the videos are in other languages so he thinks they come that way. I love that he is enthusiastic about playing with them though. Today was heavy. I told Owen “I love you” over and over. I want him to hear that more than my tears that wash down my face. I tried to focus on all the positive moments instead of my own sadness from all the corners of my world that he doesn’t even comprehend. Tomorrow is a brand new day. I try to focus on the plan God has in store for us instead of my own plan. Owen is already telling me he doesn’t want to go anywhere but hopefully, I can convince him otherwise. Maybe I can find a tall elevator somewhere and he’ll want to go. He requested to “watch the movie” as he fell asleep. He cycles through different choices of what he wants to watch and currently it’s the man playing the handpan drum that he calls “the movie.” He told me he loved me as he fell asleep. Our life is not always easy to explain but the love sure is. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart.