People say to me I don’t know how you do it. The answer is duct tape and God but not necessarily in that order. I pray a lot and sometimes I roar loudly wanting peace to wash over both of us. I’ve always said, “why do today what I can put off and not do again tomorrow.” This is probably not the wisest of advice because now I’m learning a lot about how everything snowballs together. Thankfully Owen slept great last night. He woke around five and that would have been great if I hadn’t stayed up past midnight. He was happy, interested in showing me everything on his tablet, and wanted to “watch the movie” on my phone. He hasn’t watched this video in a year or so it seems and now he wants to watch it constantly. For some reason, he calls it “the movie” even though it is a person playing a handpan drum that was live on Facebook. Everything is becoming overwhelming to Owen. Trashcan yesterday, toy boxes today, and all I can do is pray. He was calm most of the day and then he had these moments when he was only able to focus on the people he wanted to see and what they would be wearing. The problem is that he needed them in blue pants already except for the therapist that introduced him to the robot and all he wanted to do was talk about it. His other robot arrived. I had ordered the first one before I found the other two at the thrift shop. When I showed it to him he was concerned with several things. He wanted to know if the robot spoke Russian, where the box was since it was used it had no box, and if he could take them to show his therapist. He was highly disappointed that it wasn’t in Russian and then asked me for it in French. So this momma made a few phone calls. I called Fisher Price and asked them if it did come in other languages and I was told the only other one is in French. The hunt has begun. He wanted a different app on his tablet that was a Fisher Price game. He pushed the button to download it and he said, “downloading please wait a moment.” I thought that sounded like he was about to do a review. He was very interactive with me today, asking questions, and being very polite when he was talking to me. He took my hand and said, “sandwich please.” We have to go get his glasses that they fixed. He got upset last time we were there about one of the assistants not wearing blue pants. I didn’t even think about it when trying to decide when we would go to pick them up. I’m now concerned he will be upset like he was at the dentist so I may ask them to bring his glasses to the car. I am always trying to stay ten steps ahead of his meltdowns but I don’t always know what is going to trigger it or when. I wore pajama pants today hoping that it would help him change his focus on me wearing pants at home but it was instead a constant question for when I would change. I breathe. Tiny baby steps to keep us moving forward. He kept me on my toes and entertained today. He also made me cry harder when I already thought I was crying as hard as I could. Grief is emotional and when I was staring at one more broken thing I thought I can no longer call my brother for him to tell me what I should do, who I should call, or when he would come since he lived far away. Owen doesn’t understand my emotions and sometimes I don’t either but he did not want me crying. Tomorrow I’ll be stronger for me, tomorrow I’ll shine for Owen. There are days that are hard but you move forward, and grow. Let your wings spread, let your eyes shine, and let your heart love. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart.