I can tell you exhaustion doesn’t even cover what I’m feeling right now. They always say don’t put the cart before the horse, well my horse ran away a long time ago. Some days I don’t even know where to begin, end, or middle. Owen has been ready to go since he woke up. Everything was good and everything was also emotional for both of us. He has it in his mind that he wants a computer tower. He calls it “box”. We have a laptop that he can use, but he wants the tower like the kind he uses at grandma’s house. And when my child gets something on his mind it is on his mind. He shares it as many times as he can in ten seconds and then comes back through and shares it again. Some days I can’t even think. I turn the tv off only for him to turn his tablet on or the tv back on. I turn the volume low and he turns it up high. And then in the middle of it all, he runs yelling he has to go potty, only he probably should have gone twenty minutes sooner, but didn’t once respond to me telling him to go potty. I think I’m somehow supposed to be in charge, but it never really feels like that some days. Something the light did in the bathroom made him scream. There’s a window in the bathroom that’s frosted. The sun will shine through it depending on the time of day. He was going to the bathroom and the sun shifted I guess. He immediately put his hands on his face and started screaming about “de light”. I try not to panic, but all I kept thinking was please, oh please do not make him scared of the bathroom again. When he was much younger he was scared of the tub. It literally changed in one day, but it took me months to get him back into the bathroom. I filled a huge plastic tote every night with about an inch full of water giving him a bath in the living room. Slowly each night I moved it towards the bathroom. Years later he still takes a bath inside the totes, inside the tub. The totes have grown with him. Now the showerhead is started to upset him. All I can do is breathe. I never imagined how daunting the world would be for my sweet baby O. He shared a lot of words today though. I haven’t been able to get his chocolate almond milk for the last couple of deliveries. He’s been doing really good with understanding he only had “nanilla” milk. He went through all the milk choices, telling me the colors. He said, “I want chocolate milk pwease I want brown we have nanilla white one”. His words fill my heart with gladness. Even on my daunting days, his smile gets me through. I tell myself not to worry about what’s happening at the moment, but continue to grow for the next. Celebrate your victories. Know that each one of them is important. Let today be your guide for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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