Some days I want to sit. Nothing else. I don’t want to hear a noise. Not one noise. I want to reflect in my own thoughts. It’s funny, as I wrote “own” I automatically typed “Owen”. I walked to my bedroom, flipped my light on, and I instantly heard the scream. He’s in the living room, my bedroom is around the corner. He can’t see my room directly from the living room, but he either saw the shadows the light cast, or he heard the noise from the light switch. I turned it off immediately. I still needed to go in my room, but I used the flashlight from my phone; the work around to keep the peace. He’s been happy since we’ve been home; I don’t want the light to send him into a meltdown. Some days I leave the light on, if he doesn’t scream, or if he comes in the room with me; other days I know it is too much for him to process. He’s asked to go to all of his favorite places, and now he is bowling on one of his apps since we didn’t go bowling. I think he would be happy if we could install a bowling lane right here in the house. I never imagined how much he would love bowling. I’m trying to take him to more places, and do more things with him, but I’m still cautious about what we do. His anxiety runs high some days, mine does too. If I try to take him to places after he has had a meltdown during the day, the place we go to then gets associated with those emotions. He has cried about the post office for days, and we haven’t been in a month. I never bring it up, but he constantly talks about it. As many words as he now has he still can’t express all his feelings, and emotions. I see his growth, I hear his growth, and I long for the day my baby can express exactly what he wants to say. I look over at Owen, and we both smile. He giggles a little, and goes back to playing his game. The smile gets me past my own anxiousness. I’m trying to focus on doing more things for me. I know that it is important to take care of myself. Painting has become my new love, and luckily it is something I can do with Owen, as well. Find a new hobby, explore our world, or sit home, and read a book, but take time for you. You are important. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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