He didn’t get that it was still hours away until he could see his grandma. He started yelling when I told him it was the middle of the night and he needed to go back to bed. He started talking about driving by the depot but I told him that I was not going to take him every time I bring him to see his grandma because he would want it every time. He didn’t go back to bed and he did not stop screaming about it.
I fixed him first breakfast, got my coffee started, and figured I’d get a long winter’s nap some year. He was excited to get to his grandma’s house but he wanted to make sure that I was properly dressed. This is one of those cycles that I wish someone had answers for me. When you are dealing with a genius inside of a tiny body that can’t quite process everything it can be a rollercoaster of emotions for both of us. It’s the fine balance of how many times you can ignore a statement or a behavior before the screaming, meltdown, or the calm begins. And if you ignore it what will happen. There are so many rules to follow to break behaviors but when you are dealing with a genius it makes it even harder. He knows all about the rules and how to get around each and every one of them. And when you are exhausted the rules are thrown out the window so the screaming will stop and my not so tiny little human knows that. The cycle of life as I know it.
I took him to his grandma’s house and I came home for a while to hear myself think. He stayed with her for several hours and then she drove him by the depot which I have determined is a transformer box that he wants to see and it is down from the depot. After they drove around it several times they came to meet me at Kroger.
He was mostly calm on the way home but laser-focused on his days ahead. He does not want his schedule interrupted anymore especially when he is going to school. He will be very happy when winter is over so he can go every day to school. I’m already thinking ahead to spring break and all summer long.
The evening went quickly. He stood at the table making his eeeeing sound to himself while he was playing with his tablet. He makes that sound when he is doing activities he is super focused on and excited about. He was watching the driving videos that were “available.” I think that is one of his new favorite words.
He told me that he was going to high school in a year. I said in a couple of years. He said, “Not next year year after.” I didn’t want to tell him it would be a little longer than that. He then started talking about his best friend being in high school with him and he got more excited.
I knew the hardest part of my cancer journey would be what my sweet baby O thought about my hair. He asked me numerous times to grow it by February. It’s only January and it wouldn’t be long in a ponytail or blonde by then. I stood crying and he stood next to me. When he saw me crying he laughed at me. He said, “Mommy like laugh.” He knew that I loved his laugh and his understanding of this made it that more special. It was a rollercoaster with him and my hair today. He also spit on me because I didn’t have my bunny ears on but he couldn’t wait to feel my emotions for that as well and he told me he was sorry all night long. If cancer has taught me anything it shows me that there can be so much of a deeper connection to the ones you love if you embrace what you are feeling and accept what you feel.
He is beyond ready to get to church tomorrow and he told me that it couldn’t be dark when he got up. I thought that was a huge step. Learning through love, adapting through hope, and knowing that tomorrow will be the same but different will keep moving you forward. His laugh brought me joy in knowing that he had come so far. Be proud of where you have come from and look ahead to great days. Smiles to all and donut daze!