“School’s over”, Owen said. Then he said it again. And again. And again. The screams came next and this was three o’clock in the morning. It takes a few moments to even realize what’s happening. He’s screaming and all I can think about is quiet, please. I realized what he was saying, what was happening, and I tried to move him forward. My heart aches for him. Every day I ask myself how do I explain the unexplainable. You don’t. I hold him tight and I tell him that I love him. I got him back to sleep only for him to wake up a few minutes later. There wasn’t much sleep after that. I tried to show him one of his teacher’s video. That made it worse. My heart ached worse. Randomly I try to talk to him about school and his teacher, but it’s the biggest stressor for him. He asks constantly about the coffee shop, bowling, church, gymnastics, and our friends and family, but school and his teacher send him into meltdowns. It’s where he wanted to go every day. He couldn’t wait to ride the bus and get to his teacher. And then it was snatched from him without warning. I have always tried to give him timeframes and explain to him when he was going to have a break from his routine, but this was instant, this was in the moment and no warning. This is life. The one thing I have always wanted for my baby were words. I wanted him to be able to not only have a vocabulary, but to truly understand the meaning behind the words. I think back again to the unexplainable and words aren’t even enough. My emotions are raw every day from all of this and I can talk them through with people. He can’t, he doesn’t always process what the words mean. And then I breathe. I tell him I love him and I try to make sure he understands we are a team. Today and always remember you are not alone. Our journey is about autism, but we’ve all got something. Keep pushing forward, take time for you, and find your inspiration to change the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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