Emotions. More emotions. And a day filled with emotions. That’s how today went and that’s how it started. I share our journey so others will not feel alone. Often days like today leave me drained and my beautiful, amazing son is processing so much more than I know he can even comprehend at this point. Every day I pray for strength. Every day I pray for his understanding. And every day I pray for our days to lead to progress for both of us. Today was hard.
Sleep happened for Owen. He slept until about 5:30 when my coffee antics in the kitchen woke him up. He was happy because the routine was happening and he got to wear shorts. He was pretty calm to start but he was wondering when his best friend would waltz back into his life. And he was excited about Halloween so he could be Spider-Man once again.
I got him ready for school and he immediately started talking about what I was wearing. I told him that what I had on this morning would not be what I was wearing when he came home because I had a doctor’s appointment. He knows every outfit I have ever worn and opinions about all of them but today spun me back in time as it wore on. The dress I wore to wait for the bus turned into the pants I wore to go to my mammogram.
When Owen came home we were going to dinner with our friend. She had let me know she could go today. As soon as he got off the bus I told him but he had one thing on his mind. My pants. He cried and he screamed before we even made it into the house. Five years. Five long years clothes have become a rollercoaster ride that is standing the test of time like the banana meltdowns.
We were not going with our friend to dinner because he was having a huge meltdown over me wearing flowered pants. The screaming, the tears, the emotions, they were all right there. He kicked me, he spit on me trying to change the color of them, and when I thought he was calming down he poured chocolate milk on me.
My heart aches for days like this. He goes through times where he can handle it more and then here we are back at what feels like the first step of the ladder once again. I have taken him to every doctor, therapist, counselor, and anyone else I can think of to help us. And my heart aches.
He was calmer by the end of the day. He wanted waffles for dinner. He realized he didn’t get to see our friend and that upset him. He said, “Owen happy on Tuesday no Owen upset.” He went on to say, “Owen don’t kick mommy sorry mommy that makes mommy frown mommy sad.” He then started talking about being kind to everybody. Right after he did it he kept asking Alexa to translate “you spit hit kick mommy” in different languages and she said she couldn’t help him with that and could only help with nice things.
He told me he was sorry a lot throughout the night and I know he was processing it all. My clothes haven’t been a problem for a while but here we are back to trying to figure out how to move forward. It’s draining and difficult on both of us. I talked to him a lot about his wanting to wear shorts but expects the world to wear what he wants them to wear. I want him to understand that concept. It’s like the banana, clothes are too common to avoid when we walk out our door so he has to learn, adapt, process, something to be able to get through each day without having a meltdown over people’s clothing otherwise we can’t go anywhere. My heart aches.
I pray he sleeps tonight. And I pray I do too. Today was hard. Today was emotional. Today made me sad. I would move mountains if I could help him realize he is bigger than this and can get through this. I remind him that his brain is amazing and he can imagine everyone in blue. Five years, I can only imagine how hard this is for him but as his mommy, it is a million times harder for me. The challenges we face may be shown as the tears crawling down our face but they are tied to the soul of our growth. You will grow for tomorrow through the pain of today. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Sleep happened for Owen. He slept until about 5:30 when my coffee antics in the kitchen woke him up. He was happy because the routine was happening and he got to wear shorts. He was pretty calm to start but he was wondering when his best friend would waltz back into his life. And he was excited about Halloween so he could be Spider-Man once again.
I got him ready for school and he immediately started talking about what I was wearing. I told him that what I had on this morning would not be what I was wearing when he came home because I had a doctor’s appointment. He knows every outfit I have ever worn and opinions about all of them but today spun me back in time as it wore on. The dress I wore to wait for the bus turned into the pants I wore to go to my mammogram.
When Owen came home we were going to dinner with our friend. She had let me know she could go today. As soon as he got off the bus I told him but he had one thing on his mind. My pants. He cried and he screamed before we even made it into the house. Five years. Five long years clothes have become a rollercoaster ride that is standing the test of time like the banana meltdowns.
We were not going with our friend to dinner because he was having a huge meltdown over me wearing flowered pants. The screaming, the tears, the emotions, they were all right there. He kicked me, he spit on me trying to change the color of them, and when I thought he was calming down he poured chocolate milk on me.
My heart aches for days like this. He goes through times where he can handle it more and then here we are back at what feels like the first step of the ladder once again. I have taken him to every doctor, therapist, counselor, and anyone else I can think of to help us. And my heart aches.
He was calmer by the end of the day. He wanted waffles for dinner. He realized he didn’t get to see our friend and that upset him. He said, “Owen happy on Tuesday no Owen upset.” He went on to say, “Owen don’t kick mommy sorry mommy that makes mommy frown mommy sad.” He then started talking about being kind to everybody. Right after he did it he kept asking Alexa to translate “you spit hit kick mommy” in different languages and she said she couldn’t help him with that and could only help with nice things.
He told me he was sorry a lot throughout the night and I know he was processing it all. My clothes haven’t been a problem for a while but here we are back to trying to figure out how to move forward. It’s draining and difficult on both of us. I talked to him a lot about his wanting to wear shorts but expects the world to wear what he wants them to wear. I want him to understand that concept. It’s like the banana, clothes are too common to avoid when we walk out our door so he has to learn, adapt, process, something to be able to get through each day without having a meltdown over people’s clothing otherwise we can’t go anywhere. My heart aches.
I pray he sleeps tonight. And I pray I do too. Today was hard. Today was emotional. Today made me sad. I would move mountains if I could help him realize he is bigger than this and can get through this. I remind him that his brain is amazing and he can imagine everyone in blue. Five years, I can only imagine how hard this is for him but as his mommy, it is a million times harder for me. The challenges we face may be shown as the tears crawling down our face but they are tied to the soul of our growth. You will grow for tomorrow through the pain of today. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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