Some days feel like the wheels won’t stop turning. Any of the wheels, even when you want them to slow down. But then there it was the highlight of my day that made the wheels stop. I was in the kitchen fixing Owen a snack, okay me too it is quarantine times ya know, and I hear him singing Old MacDonald, strumming his guitar. It always makes my heart sing when he plays music without being prompted. He doesn’t understand any of the chords yet, but hearing him play and sing wash away so many other moments. He screams a lot. The screams are for every reason, jumping constantly, and his general excitement through the roof, unless it’s screaming because something isn’t going according to plan. He had a good day. But he had his mind set on how he wanted it to go. There’s this line of how hard do I push him and if I push too hard we then could have hours of a meltdown all because I asked him to do something he didn’t want to do. This also happens if I don’t do something the way he expects it to go. For his bath tonight I didn’t run the water twice. I fill the tub and then a little bit of time goes by and he wants to have the water running again over his feet. I think it’s a sensory request for him, a camping mechanism maybe, but I was trying to hurry the bath time process along so I wasn’t going to run the water again. He started screaming and throwing himself around. There’s a fine line between a tantrum and a meltdown. Tonight’s moment was right there on that edge until I heard the squeal in his voice escalating it quickly. I could tell if I didn’t put the water in we were going to have a long night. Two more minutes of water saved hours of him being upset. When the bath was done I stood in my bathroom for two or three moments preparing myself for the possibility of two or three hours for sleep to happen. Luckily, it was only an hour tonight. I think about his smile and that pushes me through the sadness. I get emotional because this is so hard for my sweet baby O. This is so hard for me. He still cries out every day for the school routine that’s gone and asks for places we can’t go. There are no words to make this easier for him. And according to him, he didn’t have enough “swrimp”. Breakfast shrimp was requested throughout the day, but the dude still ate everything else that was put in front of him. Growing Owen is what we do. One day at a time I remind myself, trying not to be mean to my own soul because I don’t always have the answers, but I have the love. He fell asleep in my arms and with that, I knew it would be okay. Don’t let worry steal your sunshine. Some days are hard, but tomorrow the sun will shine again. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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