Some days feel like the river of tears will never stop even if they aren’t running down my face. Owen’s actually having really good days but the days still feel very overwhelming right now and the nights come crashing down on me. I haven’t even gone to bed yet and he already woke up. I had to get back to sleep again, not in his bed, of course, but on the couch. It took over an hour and a half to get him to sleep the first time. He didn’t like that I had my eyes closed and he poked them. Then he fell asleep but woke up requesting one more kiss but he wanted to kiss my forehead like I always kiss his. When he requested the kiss I leaned over to kiss him and he screamed no. So I waited and he kissed me. And he did it two more times. Then he fell asleep again but woke within a few moments wanting “to read the book to mommy”. He takes two books to bed every night. They are books with dog stories. I had told him we were going to get a dog but he kept telling me no. He doesn’t want to talk about it but always shows me dog videos and loves all the books we have with dogs in them. He doesn’t always understand how to express his feelings so it can be difficult for him when I talk about subjects he can’t really process. He was a bit emotional tonight but he’s had a busy day. After school, he went to physical therapy. I watched him kick a soccer ball but then all he wanted to do was throw it. He has low muscle tone and a disconnect with how his body works. If you ask him to raise his hand he will take one hand and push his other arm up with great deliberation. It’s a process for him to even walk on steps. He can do it but he doesn’t have the body awareness to understand what being careful is instead of walking without care. But he will get there. He’s back asleep again and hopefully for the night even though I know he’ll be up again. Success comes from the heart and my sweet baby O has the biggest heart for this momma. Find what makes you happy, go after your dreams, and the rest will follow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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Owen woke happy this morning. He immediately told me to sit when he woke, even though I hadn’t moved. He woke at some point and we fell back asleep on the couch. Ahh, to figure out how to get him to sleep through the night. Once I established that I wasn’t sitting because I was still laying down he got up to go potty. He asked about his teacher. I told him he was going to school and he said, “the weather still bad” almost more as a question. I told him that it wasn’t bad today, that he would get to go to school. It was so conversational. He felt very connected to his words and me. It brings a smile to my heart and soul. We were up early so we still had “five more minutes” until we had to go to the bus stop. It was more like an hour but everything is five minutes, two minutes, fifteen minutes, or ten minutes. He says one amount and thinking he is asking for a lot more time he says a lower number. We got dressed and walked to the bus stop. He always wants to ask Siri how to say phrases as we wait for the bus. He said, “I want bus please and rhombus in Italian”. I’m so amazed at all the words he is learning. Tonight he was talking to me in Korean, Japanese, Chinese, or something else and then singing in German with the TV. He has several videos from Taiwan that he likes to sing with so I’m not sure which language he is saying at what times. The translators can’t understand all of his words and his pronunciations may not be completely correct, plus, he is possibly speaking in several languages at the same time. I’ve always thought he sees all languages as one big language.
When he came home from school he was watching a dog language video that said want to learn to speak in dog language and then it barked. We shall see where that leads. I’m thankful for his growth and his thirst for learning. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings. Smile so the world can see you and know that tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze! Owen asked Siri to say, “I want chocolate milk please and square in French”. He kept going with German, Italian, and Korean. Then he moved on with circle, triangle, and parallelogram. I have a hard time with parallelogram in English and here he is trying to say parallelogram in all these languages. I really wonder how many languages he knows or what he comprehends. Time will tell and I know it’s the shape of things to come. I have been watching Owen eat his food. There are certain foods that he seems to allow all the way in his mouth quickly and then other textures he has to push in and out. Crunchy foods, like veggie straws, seem to go in his mouth more effectively and foods like pizza or shrimp seem to be in and out and all over his face, clothes, and toes. I ordered a new spoon that has a curve to it. It’s more like a slight L shape from the handle so it is not so straight. One of the things that I’m trying to keep his hands clean is putting a wet napkin beside him on the table. The napkin is soaked so it mostly sticks to the table. I have him wipe his hands in between bites but I have to talk to him every bite about it so it’s still a process. I will keep trying different methods though and see if I can find something that helps him. I was helping him wash his hands and he reached up to bite my hair. I started singing, “you’re all right you’re OK do not bite my hair today” out of the blue. I don’t know why they all came to me but he stood listening to me and I thought maybe he will follow my words if they are in a song. He loves grabbing a fist full of my hair and running it through his mouth. But upon doing this he always tends to pull it and after all these years he is finally starting to be fine with me wearing it in a ponytail. We laughed a lot today. He made me smile and he seemed more like he was focusing on my words. Tomorrow is a brand new day. I can’t wait to see how my sweet baby O grows. Find your inspiration and make your dreams come true. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The repetitive obsessive behaviors that seem to come and go and change but also have routine and structure tossed in the mix are back. The bathroom door is a must fix in Owen’s book. As soon as he hears me going towards the bathroom he is in ready mode to fix the door. I swallow hard trying to keep the emotions at bay. It’s hard on him and it’s hard on me trying to figure out the rules, keep which rules I’m supposed to be a part of, and trying to help him move past the rules and routine that keep him close to meltdowns. I understand his need to find order in chaos and when something isn’t in its place that it better get there quick but I also have to work with him so he understands that not everything can be fixed or I don’t always know how to “fixth it”. He doesn’t always know how to explain to me what I’m supposed to fix or why something is out of order for him. And there are times when he can explain it or I understand enough of the rules to see what needs to be fix but still can’t do it. We drive by an abandoned house that has a garage. The doors to the garage are wide open. The tears well in my eyes thinking about all the emotions these doors cause my sweet baby O. We don’t go by it often but he remembers they are open. He starts talking about them miles before we get to the doors and when he sees the doors he squeals. He wants them shut. I wish I could pull over and shut the doors. But I can’t. I can’t fix it. I can’t explain to him there are going to be doors opened and closed that we can’t fix, in so many ways. I breathe and swallow my emotions for another day. He was very calm today, even when we had several things going on he still felt like he was moving along with me even if he was in slow motion and wanted “two more minutes” for everything. I hear his vocabulary getting stronger every day. He hardly asks me to say the words to Siri now. He comes to me occasionally when he wants something and she still can’t understand him but he is talking slower and truly working on enunciating each part of the word. He now understands that I have to type in the words if it is a foreign language. He brings me the tablet and tells me to “type it in”. The smile spreads across my face knowing how far he has come in the last few months. He fell asleep quicker than most nights and tomorrow will be a new day for my sweet baby O to grow. Follow your heart, rejoice in the gladness, and know that you can do great things if you set your mind to it. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Today felt like a whirlwind, slow motion, and fast forward kinda day. Owen has been talking about shapes for days. He’s gone through this cycle before. But now it’s even more exciting because he says the names of the shapes so clearly. He talks about how many sides and he sings songs about them. He started asking Siri how to say each shape in all the different languages. I have trouble with trapezoid in English, wait until I have to remember it in French, German, Spanish, Italian, so forth, and so on. I decided to get him a shape sorter. It had other activities with it and I debated back and forth since he doesn’t always like toys but I thought I’d get it and see. It came first thing this morning, which is always so interesting to me that things come on Sundays now, but here it was. I took it out of the box and Owen immediately wanted to take the shapes and put them in the holes. He told me what each one was as he was putting them in their slots but quickly realized there was no heart shape. I didn’t know a heart would be the shape he wanted most but he kept asking for it. This shape sort only had a few shapes. I need to see if I can find a big one that has tons of them. He also wants a trapezoid and trapezia. All I keep thinking is grow my sweet baby O, grow. Hard to believe he will be nine next week but I’m thankful. When he was younger I would hear parents say they wanted their kids to stay young. I truly get the sentiment and emotions but all I would think is I wanted him to grow. The older he gets the more connections he is making to the world around him. I was thankful for his interactions with me today and even though it was me encouraging him he once again played with toys. And he wanted to read his books to me as he drifted off to sleep. It seemed like he fell asleep peacefully. We had a few moments that neither one of us got our way but through most of it we were both very calm. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings for my sweet baby O. Let tomorrow be your dream come true. Believe in yourself and the rest will follow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I couldn’t see the clock the first time Owen woke up but I sure could the second time. It wasn’t even five o’clock in the morning and the dude was ready to start his day. The request started coming in before I could even process that I was awake, or supposed to be awake. “Tablet”, he cried out. I told him that he could have it if he gave me five more minutes. He needed to lay back down, I told him. Truly, I was hoping he would fall back asleep, knowing full well he was not going back to sleep and he was not giving me five more minutes. “Set the timer”, he said. And what did I do, I set the timer, for five minutes no less. Seriously, I had control of the timer and I set it for five minutes, why not an hour and five minutes I thought as it went off. But it really didn’t make a difference, I think thirty seconds into it and he was still requesting things, “tablet”, followed by, “I want chocolate milk please in French”. He didn’t say it in French but he said it with french in it. He cracks me up with all his languages and how fluid he flows from one to the next when he doesn’t even think about it. Sometimes the only reason I know what language he is using is the way he says the words. I got up and I pushed the coffee button. It wasn’t set to start for another hour. There wasn’t any way I could wait that long. “Mr golden sun please shine down on me”, Owen sang out loud from the other room. I love hearing him sing and I love that he does it without me even asking him. The breakfast request came in. In fact, he had two breakfasts, cereal and then waffles. A little while later I made myself some cinnamon raisin toast with cream cheese. He was already asking for more cereal so I made an extra piece of toast. I wanted to see if he liked it. He doesn’t always like sweet foods. I gave him a bite without cream cheese and he liked it. I put the cream cheese on it and he loved it too. So I gave him the rest of the piece and he ate it all. He then ate another one of mine. I asked him if he was done or I could make some more. He said, “make”. More went right into the toaster. He came running from around the corner and went right to his soccer ball. I was so excited to see him pick it up. He was carrying it around, occasionally throwing it here and there. He was smiling so big. I don't know what made him grab it but to see him play with his toys is so rare and I didn’t have to prompt him at all. I wish he could tell me what made him want to play with it but he brought a couple of his other balls to me to play as well. Whatever the reason was it made me happy. I’m thankful for the moments of joy we both had today. Live in the moment, dream of a brighter tomorrow, and smile for the world to see. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen was in a good mood when he woke up, when he came home from school, and until he went to bed. That’s when he became a little cranky. He got mad at me because I wasn’t correcting him when he was yelling at me so he started gagging himself and screaming louder. I turned off the calming music that I always wonder if doesn’t have the opposite effect on him. I try different ones all the time and some seem to help and others seem to create chaos. He finds patterns quickly in music even when it says there is no pattern or loop. I can tell he gets stuck on a section and wants to hear it over and over. Earlier I opened Owen’s toy box. He plays with none of them unless I interact with him or tell him to play with a certain toy. I couldn’t make myself go through them. I always close the lid. I wanted to see what I should give away or try to reintroduce but instead, I once again closed the lid. People would ask me what his favorite toy was or what he would like for his birthday or Christmas and I’d get a lump in my throat. How do you explain that even as a toddler he didn’t play with toys as a toddler would play with a toy. I never minded the questions, I still don’t but the answers are hard sometimes for me. It’s like when I would take him to his checkups and they have the forms you have to fill out saying exactly what your baby could do at certain stages. It still brings tears to my eyes. I’m thankful for his pediatrician because she never made me fill out the forms. She talked to me, she really talked to me. Those checkups have also been as much about me as they were Owen. Those forms are hard. I told her that we needed to develop a form that allowed Owen to be Owen and not based on what the expectations of the world were. The tears are still rolling down my cheeks. But that is one moment in time. Today my sweet baby O not only talks, but he also talks in more languages than I even can figure out. He can count to thousand in English and at least twenty in numerous other languages. He knows his shapes, colors, alphabet, sings, plays instruments, paints, and makes his momma smile. No form is ever going to define Owen or any other child. I understand its purpose, I truly do, but what’s more important is making sure Owen knows he is amazing and can and is accomplishing anything he sets his mind to. As he was getting into bed he started listing all the shapes he knew. I asked him how many sides a triangle has. He said, “one two free”. I asked him how many sides a circle has and he said, “all of them”. I smiled and I kept asking him questions. Together we learn and tomorrow we grow. Never give up on the hope of tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
“God is strong”, Owen said. He then followed it up with, “I’m not going to God is strong today”. He calls one of the songs he learned at church “God is strong”. That’s not the name of it but that’s how he references it. He kept going “no God is strong today”. When he says no most of the time it is because he doesn’t know how to word what he wants. And sometimes he will say yes and no at the same time. I told him we could listen to the song if he wanted. He yelled, “no”. I forged ahead. I knew he wanted to hear it. I turned it on and a huge smile washed across his face. He stopped it after a few of the lines and he started asking Siri how to say, “God is strong in French”. He moved on to Italian and Russian. Even after we walked to the bus stopped he wanted me to pull up Siri and ask her to say, “God is strong” in several more languages. My smile now is as big as his was when he was listening to it. I’m thankful that the church means so much to him and they embrace my son and help him learn and grow in his faith and understanding. It’s another night that he woke before I’ve even gone to bed. I got him back to sleep but it looks like we are couch-bound for sure. There’s no way I can move him without waking him. It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep, funny how I think an hour isn’t long anymore, but he was very agitated as he was going to sleep. He pulled my hair and wanted me to hold him but then would quickly move all around the bed. He was almost asleep and he popped up, wanting to read the dog books that he brings to bed with him every night. He tells me he doesn’t want a dog but he brings all his dog books to bed. In the next six months or so we are going to get a dog, I think. At least the dog would be well fed. There were shrimp everywhere as Owen was eating his dinner. He wouldn’t sit and he kept spinning in circles as he was eating. The shrimp went flying. I wish I could convince him to sit when he eats. It’s a constant conversation topic that never sticks for more than a few moments. I keep telling myself I’ll save that for another day. I’m focusing on that big smile and the joy he brings to my heart. Find your joy, share your smile, and focus on the good stuff. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The hot mess train left the building. I think I’ve cried so many tears in the last week that today, a very stressful day, no tears could fall. Until dinner time. Owen wouldn’t sit with me to have dinner. He kept running around, telling me to sit, and then saying, “go ahead you can watch tv”. There are times, like generally when we are eating dinner, he can’t watch tv. And then there are times when I wish he would understand that I desperately want him to sit with me and have dinner or read a book. I know in that moment he is not able to process it all but it is still hard for me when he won’t or can’t listen. I get it, I totally and completely get it but I also want to work with him on his own actions and reactions to my words and requests even when he is having a hard time. I try to explain to him why something is important to me or why I want him to do certain actions and I also tell him that I understand he may not be able to handle it all but we have to work through it together. Tonight felt like nothing was connecting for him until I sat there crying, eating dinner alone, and he came to me, kissing me on my forehead like I’ve done to him so many times. I cried harder. He understands so much but I know there are times he wants to do what he wants to do or he can’t process what I need him to do. I always have to decide if it’s Owen, autism, age, or any other combination I’m not thinking about that is controlling that moment. And I can add myself into that mix and maybe I’m cranky too. I was dreading bath time. I hadn’t gotten the message that the boil alert had been lifted. I started boiling water, thinking is this really necessary but doing it anyways. As soon as the water started getting hot the automated message came through, the all clear. I was so relieved. Bath time has to be a certain way and if it’s not perfect it can add hours to our night. Last night was not perfect but tonight went smoothly. I’m thankful for Owen’s smile and that together on this journey we grow. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Follow your dreams and make them a reality. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen told the trash can “thank you”. My first thought, I’m raising a polite little boy. I always tell him that we need to respect each other and always be kind. I don’t think there was a second thought because the millions of emotions started swarming through my mind when he told it thank you. I got one of those fancy trash cans hoping to keep Owen out of it, all you have to do is swipe your hand over the sensory, and it opens. Keeping him out of the trash can didn’t work because he would pull up the lid so instead, I decided to teach him how to open it. This went over about as well as the fact that my water was off for a while today. It didn’t bother him so much when it was off until it made a horrific noise as it started filling the pipes again. There was a main break down the street and we were without water. Now I have to boil the water for his bath and he can’t have the shower running. He drinks the bathwater no matter what I do to stop him and we can’t have that right now. My heart stops every time something like this happens. He still talks about our power being out for a whole day because someone hit a pole and I’ve lost track of how long ago it was now, maybe two years ago but he never forgets. Distraction is how the night has gone. I never baby-proofed my house because Owen never tried to open anything. He was hardly ever alone unless he was in his crib and as he grew I had a few baby gates put up but opening cabinets, let alone anything in a cabinet wasn’t physically or mentally something he would do. Now, I find myself needing to do exactly that and find ways to limit his access to areas around the house. I had to put a lock on the basement door so he wouldn’t walk down the steps, same with the attic. Even though the attic is upstairs he says he wants to “go down the steps”. Either way, I had to block the access. And now I have to figure out want to do with the things in my medicine cabinet. He got our toothbrushes out. He did use mine but that’s no big deal. However, what else will he find interesting now that he is an explorer. All of it went in a higher cabinet and the locks will come tomorrow. He walked up to me and started saying, “no Santa Claus today”. I told him he was correct. I’m not sure why he started thinking about him but he was singing Christmas songs in French. Then I told him he was going to be turning nine soon. He started screaming at me “no no no”. I thought wait until you’re fifty kiddo. Off to start boiling the water as I’m being serenaded with his good morning song that’s making me smile. We cannot let every day sit on a shelf and not live our dreams out loud. Find your strength and keep pushing forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
May 2024
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