I know Owen was already yawning when he woke up at about three. I convinced him to go back to his bed and he did until an hour or so later when I heard him watching a vacuum video on YouTube and his vacuum review voice was in full swing. It really is amazing how he can mimic so many voices. I got up and started my coffee. I need a remote start. It seems like I always need to start it before it magically starts on its own. I told him he was going to his therapy but it would still be a couple of hours. He was ready and he was excited. He ate a huge breakfast and then off we went. He did great at his therapy but he was concerned that no one wore blue pants. After we left we had to drop off his new glasses to be fixed. The temple fell off the hinge. I’m not sure what happened but he told me they “broke.” He associated it with the ball he popped that the wind had given us. He said, “pop a ball throw it in the trash” handing me his broken glasses. I told him we would take his glasses to be fixed. I tried to explain that the ball was in too many pieces to be fixed but trying to explain how that is different than his glasses being in pieces was not easy. He was happy though because he was getting to go to both places, however, he was not happy he didn’t get to see his eye doctor. He kept telling me his “tooth is loose” but he didn’t need to see the dentist because he could bite. When we got home he was happy to be here. He kept asking me if we were going anywhere and I said we could if he wanted to. His answer was a definite “no no no.” I got him a level one Spider-Man book to read. We have been reading every day and it was our book for yesterday. This morning when I got more coffee he was sitting on the couch and picked up the book to read it on his own. He did this several times throughout the day. I made his dinner and he told me that the air fryer said to “add food” and then as soon as it beeped “it has to cool now”. I explained that it hadn’t cooked yet since I just added it in but he ran off before I got anywhere with that. He used to play a game that I didn’t want him to play because he would get very animated and upset about it. So he knew that he had a different game that repeats words exactly like the other game but it is different. He pulled it up and comes to show me. “Different Kiki,” he says. I think he may have thought he got one over me but wanted me to know it. The rest of the night went quickly. He ate a huge shrimp dinner and then fell asleep on the couch. I had to get him up and then in bed but he was out once again. I’m thankful for today and that he was happy. I’m not sure if we will go anywhere tomorrow but I will try. I see growth and I know that sometimes we need to take a day to sit and be at home. Remember to be kind to your own heart. Each day try to accomplish one thing and keep moving forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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I am not exactly sure what time Owen woke up. All I know was the clock was telling me it was way too early and his tablet was way too loud. I told him he needed to go back to bed and he asked me to find something on his tablet. We compromised, I stayed in bed and he kept his tablet loud, running to tell me something every few minutes. He asked for cereal, chocolate milk, and waffles that he ate about an hour after I put them on the table. It all works out in the wash I tell myself. He was ready for church, asking me every few minutes what he was doing for the rest of the week. He said, “be with mommy” every time I would say one of the days. It was like he was confirming we weren’t going on a trip again. I told him it was time to get ready for church and he said, “two minutes.” He doesn’t exactly understand time but completely understands that two minutes means not now. So my reply was if we don’t get ready then we can’t go to church. He said exactly what I knew he would, “church church.” It’s almost as predictable as what I’m going to say. I find myself repeating everything he needs me to repeat without even realizing I’m repeating myself until I’m repeating myself. We got to church and he was focused on getting to his class. When I sat down in church I crossed my legs. I immediately uncrossed them and quickly realized Owen wasn’t there. I’ve heard his screams so many times, followed by “potty let’s go potty” knowing he doesn’t have to go potty, and then him rushing to untangle my legs so I’ll put them back on the floor. The rules, so many rules he has on the world around him to help him cope. I talk to him about how I don’t even think about how I cross my legs or stand, I also try to explain to him that not everyone wants to or will wear blue pants. I want him to work through seeing people in other pants. I try to explain that if he gets upset about what someone is wearing he won’t be able to see people that he loves and wants to be with. I don’t know how to distract such an intense focus. When he was very young I would try to distract him from an action or reaction he was doing. One day he was doing the exact same thing over and over, screaming as he went through the motions when he was watching a video, starting it right back at the same exact spot numerous times. I took his tablet and I sat with him doing other activities. As soon as I stopped playing with him he grabbed his tablet and went right back to the same video and did the same actions for another thirty minutes and then he was done. It taught me that he was working through something and until he was done he was not going to stop. And for the rest of today I tried to give him space and let him know that we weren’t going anywhere. Tomorrow we are going to one of his therapies but I didn’t tell him because he wouldn’t be able to sleep. He loves going and he would be up asking about when he was going. He fell asleep in my arms and I prayed for the strength and knowledge to give him the skills he needs in life. Do you ever think about the life you have versus the life you want? There’s a moment in time that you lean into the life you want. You finally give yourself the freedom to be the person you always wanted to be. I’m still leaning, I’m still learning, and I’m still trying to be the best me I can be. Never give up on the dream you want. Today’s the day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Today was emotional, maybe beyond emotional because yesterday was emotional too. The tears won’t stop coming. In a less than thirty-six-hour whirlwind, my mom and I drove with Owen to North Carolina to be in my brother’s state, to be with some of his friends, to be in his home, and to ask the question over and over again “where do we go from here?” I’m devastated. It seems the further from the loss the harder it gets. We stayed in the lodge again that we had come to when we came for his funeral. At least that made it easier because we were surrounded by people that truly care for us. Owen was overwhelmed by so many things but also did amazing for being completely out of his comfort zone. The trip was hard on him. Yesterday, about an hour from home he said, “it’s time to go homeA.” This sentiment continued for part of the trip down. He knew he was going to “uncle wichard’s house” so that started to make it easier for him but he asked to see him. When we got to the lodge my mom stayed with Owen while I took paintings to the coffee shop and visited with his friends. They are using the paintings to help fund a memorial in my brother’s name. I got back to the lodge and then we went to my brother’s house. Owen was entertained with him having two vacuums. He stood there doing his reviews, while not wanting them to be turned on. We didn’t stay long and then went to have dinner at the lodge. The night blended into morning and thankfully he slept most of the night. We woke around five and waited to go down to the lodge for breakfast. He doesn’t understand that he can’t scream or run up to everyone to tell them to wear blue pants. He had his tablet but he still gets very excited. After we ate our breakfast more of Richard’s friends came to meet us at the lodge. We sat in the front room to talk. When someone would come in the door he would run to make sure it closed properly. If I tried to keep him from doing something he would yell “go potty” but he doesn’t really need to go potty. We went back out to my brother’s house one more time before we left. The emotions Owen felt rippled through me. He screamed randomly if we touched the wrong thing but sat playing on his tablet when things were chaotic as well. We left to come home after going back to the lodge. The trip home was emotional. He screamed a lot but all I kept thinking is how hard this was on him. Being out of routine and his home alone is hard but every time my mom or I would cry he would yell “happy you happy” because he can’t handle the emotions. The traffic home slowed us down a few times and even though we weren’t by a stoplight he would yell “triangle green means go.” We stopped to get some food and my mom ran inside to go to the bathroom. He had a huge meltdown because she left the car. I had asked him what he would like for dinner and he said, “elephant.” I was able to help him calm down but it was still hard on him. We got back on the road and headed home. He kept saying that “grandma would go bye bye”. She couldn’t stay because that would be too hard on him. I told him when we got home I was going to get all our stuff out of the car and then we would go inside. He still screamed. The moment we walked in the door relief washed over him. He wanted his couch, tv, bed, and everything else that is part of his routine. He fell asleep quickly and our journey was complete. I knew this would be hard on him but we had to go, he had to go. Life happens when you have something else planned my mom always says and this journey sure proved it. Even though it was hard he did amazing. Find your strength and know that tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I heard Owen sometime between four and five in the morning. It may have even been earlier than that. It wasn’t long before he came into my room telling me something about his tablet. I didn’t want to tell him but we were going on an adventure today. I knew the day would be hard on him but off we went. Sometimes there are things you have to do and he has to learn that as much as we wish we could keep the same routine for everything it isn’t always possible. I had everything we could possibly need and we were ready. Grandma picked us up for our day. I didn’t know how this day would go for Owen but I knew we would do it together. We stopped to eat breakfast. I wanted him to get out but I also knew all the steps would be hard for him. He did great. He ate some of his breakfast and requested more hash browns. I love when he vocalizes what he wants. He was pretty much ready to go home at this point. The adventure continued. He did well throughout our day though. He got to spend some time with his grandma on a Friday which delighted him and confused him. The day went fast, emotional but fast. Food seemed to be a big part of our day. It consisted of what he would eat and what we wouldn’t but he tried bites of everything. I wonder sometimes what it’s like for him when I can’t really explain the day or situations to him. I try to imagine it. I pray that the details will be enough and not overwhelming. I pray that I have the words that are enough and that if they are overwhelming he will be able to lean into me and know that together we will get through it. The day ended with his emotions and mine. When I told him we were going on an adventure he said, “cuckoo bird.” At first, I didn’t make the connection but as the day wore on I realized what he was saying. He was talking about the cuckoo bird from Mickey’s Adventure In Wonderland. And this is exactly what the day was about. The connections were made and the progress continues. He fell asleep in my arms and tomorrow is a brand new day. Know that you are a lot stronger than you think you are and you can change the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I really am not sure when Owen woke up. It was somewhere between midnight and three in the morning. I didn’t look at the clock, I just heard him, and then there he was staring at me, asking me about the game he was playing in the twenty seconds it took him to pick up his tablet and walk to me. From there he was very concerned about which therapist was going to wear blue pants and which one was not. But he was calm and I was exhausted. I think the eating machine was in full force. His words seem like they aren’t quite the same. Like some of the letters that used to flow are now more of a challenge. He was trying to say several words with Rs and he was struggling with them but his L sounds are much clearer than they were. When we got to therapy I talked to his speech therapist about the different sounds and she was going to work with Owen on them. He did great with all his sessions. He didn’t want chicken nuggets on the way home but instead wanted shrimp. I got him a new Spider-Man costume. He loves watching Spider-Man and he loves his Spider-Man pajamas so I got him a Spider-Man costume. The one he normally wears is more of a pajama-style and has no feet or hands with an open-face hood that he never wears. It took about ten minutes to get the new one on him because he was so fascinated with the feet and fingers. He kept saying “boots on” and then he kept sticking his fingers in the gloves and then pulling them back out. Once I got him in the suit I showed him the hood. At first, he wanted his glasses on and then I told him he had to at least try the hood. He loved it. He ran to the refrigerator first to see his reflection in the door and then he took off to the bathroom. He was so excited, talking to himself in something I couldn’t understand. He brushed his teeth, wanting the hood on and off and then he wanted to vacuum. He finally took it off because he had to go to the bathroom. When he was done he requested a shirt and his glasses, which he had been wearing all day. I think he may have wanted his old orange pair a couple of times but I said you have them on. If he really wanted them I would let him have them. I’m glad he likes them. I also got him new summer Spider-Man pajamas too. Before I could show him the new pajamas he ran to get the new costume. I showed him the new pajamas and he asked for “socks on.” I told him these didn’t have feet but I can get him pajamas with feet. I didn’t want him to wear the new Spider-Man costume because he can’t unzip it but he can his onesie and the new summer pajamas don’t have a zipper. I’m thankful he loves his new glasses and his Spider-Man costume. He fell asleep quickly and he was smiling. I’m so grateful for his smile. Dream big and dream often. Tomorrow makeup that dream a reality. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Three o’clock in the morning came quick. Too quick. Owen was ready for his day. He knew he was going to see his grandma and that will always be a reason to celebrate at three in the morning. He was in a good mood as soon as he woke and it mostly stayed like that throughout the day. He listened pretty well when I asked him to do different things, especially when it was getting ready to go see grandma and he was kinda, sorta, okayish on the volume of the tv and his tablet. When he was with his grandma I got a call that his glasses were in. This was exciting news to me. I let Owen stay with my mom a little longer and then I went to pick him up so we could go get his glasses. I probably should have gone by myself but I wanted him to go in case they needed to be adjusted. I forgot they closed for lunch until we got almost there. We had to drive around for a few minutes and this upset him. I hate making mistakes like this because it’s not easy for him to transition from one moment to the next. Luckily the airport was nearby and that at least distracted him but unfortunately, no planes were taking off. When we got to the office we had to sit in the waiting room for a few minutes. He was on hyper-alert for blue pants and not everyone was wearing them. This caused him to yell “blue pants” out numerous times. I tried to get him to breathe through it all but he was still in sensory overload. I asked him to sit with me but instead, he bounced on the chairs and then my legs and stood again, pulling my hair for the input he needed. My heart aches for him and you can feel everyone trying to ignore the situation but they truly aren’t. A few more moments went by and then we were called back. Again the blue pants thing tripped us up. One of the ladies had on grey. This caused him once again to be concerned about it and told her to “wear blue pants and white sneakers tomorrow”. Thankfully we were able to get his new glasses adjusted and then he wanted to show everyone. He asked for the doctor but she wasn’t there today. He didn’t want to wear them in the car and asked for his other orange glasses. I let him switch between them and then once we got home he wore his new ones. At first, he asked for his old orange glasses but as the night went on and lots of food in between he asked to wear his new glasses to bed. I think he likes them. He said, “glasses to bed.” Tomorrow is “therapy day therapy day” and he wants all his therapists in blue pants so I’m praying he is calm. I’m glad he likes his new glasses and I’m thankful for his interaction with me throughout the day. Be the hand for someone to hold in their sorrow and the joy when someone needs a smile for this will give you what your heart desires. Smiles to all and donut daze!
These are prescription glasses with a orange tint. I’m thankful his doctor was totally on board to do the tint. He can still wear his old glasses if he decides to he doesn’t like the orange and it is also fine to rotate his other colored glasses if he chooses. I could have done the happy dance when I woke up at three thinking I heard Owen but it must have been my bladder telling me a story. I was afraid I would wake him up when I went to the bathroom but thankfully he stayed asleep until about five. I’ll take it. The day was full of twists and turns but all and all a good day. Some days, most days, I overthink everything or think so much about the things I don’t need to think about that I just continue to think about all the things and then I ask Owen and he says, “no”. He was in a good mood most of the day but he wanted to listen to everything loud and not listen to me. He kept playing one of his apps very loud so I took his tablet. I told him to go play with something else so he took books and went to his bed to read. He finished a book and came to me to get his tablet. I told him no and he would go back to his bed with another book. I felt like this was progress. We were supposed to go to the splash park with friends but it rained. Instead, we were going to try to go to a movie but I wasn’t sure how he would handle it. We’ve only been to one and it was fine but hard on both of us. He decided for me though. It started to rain and he came to me and told me he wasn’t going anywhere since it was raining. This was new. He had never told me this before. So I told my friend we weren’t going to the movie but we could still try for dinner. It had stopped raining so I was hoping that he would go but I didn’t want to push him but yet I wanted to push him. Thankfully he wanted to go. We went back to the same place we had gone when he had the huge meltdown because of “blue pants”. I needed us to be able to go there and he did fine. I did fine. It went well and I was happy. Sometimes you need to go even if it pushes your entire core. When we got home he ate a second dinner and multiple snacks before he went to bed. He laid in bed and he said, “good night I love you.” I thought he was done so I said, “I love you too.” He continued, “baby shark I love you you funny.” That’s my boy and he was asleep. We made it through another day and each day gets us back closer to our routine of school. We danced in the living room together before bath time and it made my day. He laughed and he danced, holding my hands and stomping his feet. It was beautiful. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Quit chasing your own happiness and instead be happy in the now. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I went to bed almost immediately after Owen fell asleep last night. I knew it being one of the firecracker nights that there was absolutely no way he would sleep all night. And I was right. I woke several times as the big booms seemed to be directly overhead but fell back asleep. I heard another noise and it was only slightly after one. This time it was him. I heard him getting his tablet and then he came to my room asking for help. I told him he needed to go back to bed or he could get in my bed. Fast forward, neither option was accepted. It’s hard when I can’t get him to interact with me. He’s right there but he won’t respond or he gets mad at me for making a noise or even if I’m moving in the wrong direction. Yet he gets furious when I don’t immediately respond to one of his requests or do what he needs quick enough. I have to remember to breathe. Then he turns and runs to me and says, “wanna hug”. I push forward and I know that in his way he understands. We didn’t get much sleep last night but I got lots of hugs. At least he’s remained calm most of the day except for his tooth that is “loose” but it’s not. A new tooth is growing back in and he has another baby tooth that it is right next to so it may not be long before it is loose. He’s ready to go see his dentist tomorrow so she can “count his teeth” and “pull it”. We do not have an appointment for tomorrow but if we needed to go our dentist would understand. I told him to remind me tomorrow so I could see if we could make an appointment. He is very sensitive to the movement in his mouth and anything out of place causes him to become very concerned. I will see how he is doing in the morning and go from there. Nothing looks out of place but if he gets too fixated on it I will take him because otherwise, he won’t move forward. Some days I can’t believe all the steps it took to get to this spot in our lives. He’s made incredible progress and continuing to grow in leaps and bounds. He is figuring it all out. I had the vacuum in the closet. He knows it’s in there. I’ve always kept his trampoline in front of the door so he wouldn’t go in the closet. The vacuum has always been one of those things that causes a meltdown, sometimes, sometimes not, maybe. I was in the bathroom. I heard a noise first and then his vacuum review voice. I come around the corner and he’s moved his trampoline so he can get the vacuum out. He didn’t quite get it out by the time I got to him but he was quite proud of himself. So I got it out the rest of the way and he was happy. I didn’t plug it in but he went through the entire review that he has watched on YouTube. He likes and doesn’t like the vacuum to be on and off unless he wants me to do it or not do it and then he may or may not be happy if the vacuum does or doesn’t make noise, sometimes. I asked him if he was ready for lunch and he said, “I’m not going to have lunch today.” As I started making my lunch he said he wanted a smoothie. I asked him if he wanted a smoothie or chicken, knowing the smoothie needed the noisy blender and chicken was our happy place. Plus, I knew what a smoothie really meant and he would ask for it again. He wants to make a smoothie because he plays an app where they make smoothies for customers. He listens to it in Chinese. He told me all the ingredients and what they were saying. I think he knows more languages than I can even imagine. We had a very busy day. We ate all day, played lots of games, read together, and I think we both fought sleep at different times. I’m thankful for how far he has come and that today he was happy as a lark. His laughter is what brings me great joy. Our days are not always easy to explain but the love sure is. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The rollercoaster ride took off at five in the morning. I was thankful Owen slept all night. The days ahead are going to be complex for him, summer always is. I have to remember that some days it’s my emotions that control me from moving forward or letting a situation change our goals. His answer is always “no” but it also has to do with keeping him at a level of comfort that allows him to be able to process doing an activity. My expectations of adventures I want for him are not necessarily something he wants or can handle. When seeing his world in not blue pants is crushing to him it changes where I can take him and who he can see if they aren’t in blue pants. It’s hard for me to understand all his rules and the stress it puts on him. And it’s hard for me to know when to push him or to let him know that it will be fine. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. And I don’t always understand how to process what is best for us both. I breathe. Sometimes “this too shall pass” sounds hard when I know a behavior will only cycle back on top of the very complex pyramid of thoughts my son goes through in a ten second span, like yelling out “grapes” randomly when we are talking about planets. He is brilliant and I try to keep up with his thoughts and actions but they don’t always mean the same thing to him as they do to me. On our way to church, I asked him if he knew why we went to church. He said, “God loves us.” I always like to talk to him about why we do things hoping that helps the process. I think he understood why we go to church. He did great while we were there and he wanted his ten chicken nuggets and cheeseburger on the way home. He ate every bit of it. The day went quickly. We played some games, ate a lot more throughout the day, and we talked about the next few days. He also did much better with the bathroom, even flushing the toilet multiple times on his own. He brought me the curtain and rod he knocked down that we have hanging up in the hallway because he can’t handle all the doors and lights so it is used to block the hall but he didn’t scream that he knocked it down or it was down. The day felt like progress and for that I was happy. I have to remember that he will have bad days, I have many bad days, but we both need patience and kindness with each other. I remind him we are a team and have to work together. I’m thankful for a good day. I’m thankful that I was reminded that in moments of growth sometimes the road is not always straight but with many twists and turns. Be kind to your own heart, share your story, and be the change you want to see in the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Some days there’s a loneliness that sits on my heart. Owen woke before four. He was prepared for the day way before I was but there were the screams, the meltdowns, and the commands before it even turned five, yet he was very calm. I wait for the moments when he comes to sniff my hair or inspect what I’m wearing. It’s jarring when I’m walking and he stops right in front of me to touch my shoes. I tell him to keep the volume down on all his devices and even the tv but he never does and none of the devices have easy controls to lock the volume. Looking for any solution to any of my concerns, problems, or questions takes hours upon hours of research only for it to not work. Some days I wake up cranky. Summers are so incredibly hard on him and not having his routine can be very daunting for him. He was happy all morning but he was all expressing all his emotions to me if I asked him to do anything. Reading with me took screaming to a whole new level so I just stopped reading with him. I never know if this is the good solution or the bad solution but it was the I want to cry solution for me. He ate a huge breakfast and multiple ones at that. His milk went everywhere and thankfully there wasn’t much left in the cup but while I started cleaning up one mess he made a whole other one in the bathroom and the trail continued. He is a sensory kiddo and I have to breathe. It’s another one of the behaviors that he is cycling through. I really didn’t know how he could make that much of a mess in less than a minute's time but here we were. Stage one took twenty minutes to clean and then a bath for him. I finally got it to a point where we both could get dressed and I took him to grandma's house. He was very happy on the ride. I went a different way and this change kept him from saying it was raining when it wasn’t. He did great with grandma. When I picked him up he said he wasn’t going bowling today but the whole way home he asked to go. I knew he really didn’t want to go because he still screams when I drive to the parking lot of the bowling alley. The night went smoother than the morning and he is ready for church tomorrow. He fell asleep in my arms and I lay there reflecting on the day. Each moment in time is a learning experience. The days can be hard and our lives are not easy to explain but the love sure is. The highlight of my day was when he asked to sing “Old MacDonald play the guitar.” His love for music is skyrocketing and I’m thankful. I love that he is learning to play so many instruments and can sing with all his heart. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
May 2024
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