I’m feeling very blessed today. That darn stress still sits with me. I try to let it go but for some reason, it still hangs on or I hang on to it. I’m excited about the opportunities that keep coming to us. Owen is doing really well today. Not much sleep was had by us last night but he woke up with a great attitude. His words seem to be getting stronger but he still doesn’t always understand how to express himself. He will ask for food, drinks, and other essentials, sometimes, but he doesn’t know how to randomly ask for doing a certain activity he might want to do or telling me his favorite Disney character. He is still learning concepts and what it means to have a favorite food or color. I think his favorite food is veggie straws because he has loved eating them since he was a baby. I think it’s because it’s crunchy but maybe shrimp is now his favorite food. I explain that I have a favorite color and I ask him if he has a favorite color. I watched Owen eat his shrimp and somehow both of us were wearing it. He takes it in and out of his mouth rubbing it across his face, separating the batter from the shrimp devouring both in their own time. He’s my sensory child for sure. He’s been watching Christmas videos all afternoon and I wonder how he will handle Christmas this year. Presents aren’t a concept he understands and he doesn’t like the unwrapping of a gift. The gift is the packaging and all. He does better with something in a gift bag rather than it being in wrapping paper but he still doesn’t understand why he gets presents or what he would do with them. It’s something I’ve had to learn to deal with emotionally. Holidays and birthdays have always been fun for me. My mom always made them incredibly special so I wanted to do that for Owen but instead, holidays, presents, and parties can be overwhelming and stressful for him. But here we grow. His light is shining through to my heart and his smile warms my soul. I never imagined how much I would learn seeing the world through my child’s bright, beautiful blue eyes. It’s wonderful to watch him learn and thrive. You are important. Make sure you take a moment to explore your world and enjoy the little things for they are usually your biggest joys. Smiles to all and donut daze!
0 Comments
Owen understands no danger. And sleep certainly doesn’t come easy for him. He rolled all over the bed, kicking the lamp on the nightstand. I think his legs are getting longer since it seems easier for him to get to. I have railings on his bed but the way he flops around I still worry about him. I try to keep the routine pretty consistent at night but that doesn’t always help the sleep train. I’m beyond exhausted. He woke up at three in the morning ready for the day. I convinced him to go back to bed but every time I fell asleep he would start yelling “big hug” even though I was holding him in my arms. By the time he was asleep, it wasn’t much longer and we had to get up for the day. He can’t always process what he’s trying to say or the emotions he has so he will be doing an action but still continue to request to do it. Time plays a big part in this as well. Nighttime seems harder for him to process and he wants to make sure he knows what his next day holds. I will tell him that we have to get ready for bed and he will say, “and then” wanting me to tell him what’s next. I try to tell him what he will be doing the next day but during a pandemic, you don’t go to many places. I can’t tell you how many times he has cried out, “we stay home”. It breaks my heart. It took us years to get him into a routine of going places and being comfortable to eat in a restaurant and then months of him not going places have taken a toll on him, on all of us. Now that we are doing more activities I’m still worried about what will happen if it is all locked down again. I try not to overthink it all but here I sit once again ready to cry. Tonight was hard on him, especially compared to last night when he fell asleep under an hour. He kept popping up to check outside the window. His room is really dark but every sliver of light that creates a shadow on the wall makes him scream, “turn out de light”. I have blackout curtains hanging in the hall between his bedroom and the kitchen. He still will wake up if he sees the refrigerator light come on in the middle of the night. The first hour after he falls asleep is probably his best sleep and in general none of the lights or noises bother him. When he fell asleep I walked into the kitchen, flipping the light switch, praying that he was asleep enough it wouldn’t bother him. As the day comes to a close I’m going to focus on the fact that my baby can read. It brings great joy to my heart. Focus on the happy times, let yesterday go, know that we are all in this together, and tomorrow will be a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen slept. I wept. I was also up countless times worried I missed him waking, so not much sleep last night for me but I’m thankful he slept. It always takes me a while to adjust my sleeping routine when he starts sleeping again. I still think I sleep with one eye open no matter what but at least I’m getting some sleep. I think that’s a mom rule. He started back to school today. He loves school. I’m thankful for his new teacher’s guidance with him. It’s hard to believe he’s already in 3rd grade. He seemed very calm today. I’ve noticed that his maturity level has increased in the last few weeks. He’s asking to do more activities that he likes and helps me with our paintings. He also wants me to help him with his school apps and I can see the connections he is making. His comprehension level has increased as well. I’m still working on his connection to locations or when I point to an object and what him to bring it to me. My phone was on my desk. I pointed to it and I asked him to bring me mommy’s phone. He immediately bent to the ground trying to find it, even though I wasn’t pointing to the ground. I tried again giving him more specific directions, telling him it was on my desk. He still wasn’t looking at it even though he was less than two feet from it. I went further telling him the black desk and he finally looked over at it even though I was pointing at it the whole time. He doesn’t understand the concept of pointing. He can’t follow the imaginary line that comes out of the tip of my finger. It’s an abstract connection that I’ve always tried to figure out how to explain to him. I’ve tried to start with objects that are very close to me and it’s still doesn’t help the concept. I know one day he will make the connection and until then we keep working on it. Even though he slept all night he still struggled to fall asleep. I gave him a supplement tonight that we have used in the past. He was asleep within an hour with only a minimal amount of fanfare of jumping on the bed. I’ll take it. Sleep for my baby helps to make him grow. And this momma is learning and growing right there with him. I’m thankful for his growth, I’m excited about the school year ahead and trying not to think about the uncertainties of their schedules, and seeing Owen smile as he sounds out words makes me beam with joy. Never give up. Dream the big dream, let yesterday go, and live life forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I heard Olaf rororororororolling down the hill again. Owen likes to start and stop videos constantly and then go back to the exact same spot to do it again. He’ll turn his head back and forth, up and down, and move his face really close to the screen. He keeps his eyes closed and then slowly opens them as he is pulling away from it seeing the dimensions and depth that I wish he could explain to me. Today was calmer than most but still filled with anxiousness for his school year to start tomorrow. He met his teacher last week but with the uncertainty of everything I didn’t want to tell him he starts tomorrow. As it is he has been asking for her every day and doing his school apps that we had from the previous years. I’m still floating from the fact that my boy can read, it’s not just memorized. I know this is going to be a great year for him. He’s excited to learn and I see his comprehension level increasing. I watched Owen drift off to sleep finally after two hours of being in bed. I prayed for calm for my baby and I prayed and prayed and prayed for numerous things I’ve been struggling with. God answers prayers. Tomorrow is a big day for my sweet baby O and I know God has a plan. I’m staring at a veggie straw across the table and for that matter several on the floor and by several I mean a lot. Maybe the veggie straws everywhere are to teach me the patience I always talk to Owen about. There’s no greater gift than my son and I’m thankful every day for the smile he gives me. He makes me smile even on the cloudy days. Never give up, follow your heart, dream big, and know that you can change the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!
How many rollercoaster rides can you ride on in one day. My emotions got me like woah nelly there was a party and it was happening at four in the morning and then didn’t get done until ten at night. Owen went to bed last night talking about church and woke at four asking for “church church church”. So this momma wanted more sleep. Trying to convince Owen on church day to go back to sleep is like trying not to eat a whole pizza that is put in front of you. He didn’t stop asking about church all morning. He loves being there. As soon as we got there he was on a mission to get to his classroom. I know this helps get him back into routine and I’m very thankful for that. When the service was over I went to pick him up. He immediately starting asking for his new school teacher. It makes me happy that he truly loves going to school as well. The complications mixed in because of the pandemic have made this all so hard to explain why things were abruptly taken from him and now he’s getting to do some of those activities but it’s still under very cautious moves. And might I add nerve-wracking. Owen had a great afternoon but he wanted my full attention. We worked on his reading and spelling. I noticed he was reading on his tablet, which he generally doesn’t do so I decided to see if he had memorized the sentences or if he was actually reading it. I wrote out several sentences that were similar but in a different order and containing a few other words. My boy reads. I thought he could. We’ve worked on it before but I still wondered if it was memorization because of the sentences I used. He proved it today. He also worked on his school apps, going through many activities, and coming to me when he didn’t understand something. When an object has two different words to explain basically the same thing it’s hard for him, even when he can sound out the words; like mug and cup. He worked through them and I was glad to see him happy most of the day. He sang several of his church songs during his dinner that he devoured, and then it was bedtime and I was dreading it. I’m exhausted and I knew it would not go smoothly. Two hours later he finally fell asleep. Me touching my eyes sends him into overdrive because my glasses don’t sit correctly. He jumped up countless times to fix the window curtains, yelling about the light, and I didn’t have my arm in the right place across his stomach to give him “big hug” but how can I keep my arm across a jumping bean. I’m going to stick with the smiles he gave my heart with the joy of knowing my boy reads. Never give up, remember you can do great things if you set your mind to it, and believe. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I think the sat in Saturday was accomplished today. I’m exhausted. Completely and totally exhausted. To say the least, caffeine is no longer helping to put Owen to sleep nor keeping him asleep. On to find the next hope. No matter what I have tried it only lasts a few months or a few days at that and no longer helps him. I’m not even sure what to try next, but there’s got to be something. He fights sleep. It took almost three hours for him to fall asleep. His little body flopping all over the bed. I feel like I have motion sickness after laying next to him. He’s been requesting school and church every day. He tells me, “we go to church Sunday”, stating it more as a fact than a question. He talked about school some today, but it was more about him working on his school apps than him actually talking about it. I know he is ready and I really feel like he is going to have a great year. I’ve heard great praise about his new teacher which gives me so much hope. We mostly had a good day, but he was joined to my hip as well. Anytime I moved or did something he wanted me to come back and sit with him. He curled up in my lap numerous and even wanted to lay down under the blanket on the couch with me, which are things he rarely does. He’s back to getting upset if I go to the bathroom. If I don’t completely shut the door he will close it, laying on the floor, kicking the door screaming. When I walk out of the bathroom something generally goes flying across the room in his show of disappointment. Parts of these actions are attention getters, but they stem from the side of meltdowns and quickly can last hours if I don’t handle it correctly. It’s exhausting correcting behaviors, walking on eggshells, and praying that I’ve chosen the right words to explain how we need to work together to get through this. Words truly mean everything to him. I said a trigger word to him earlier and before I could even make one step I knew it was wrong. The meltdown started. His foot was tapping, hands on his ears, and the screaming began. I breathed. My emotions run on all sides of this. We work on calming techniques to stop the meltdowns before they even start, but when one word and I don’t even know what they all are can cause him to go into an instant meltdown that train is hard to stop. I’m thankful for his growth, I’m excited for the journey ahead, and I’m one tired momma from the road behind us, but tomorrow is a brand new “church church church” day. As he finally drifted off to sleep, he said, “I have to go to sleep and den I go to church”. Find beauty in the world around you, know that you are important, and be kind to your own soul. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Welcome to SunMonTuesWedThursFriSaturday of the pandemic. I’ve quickly realized that volume control would be an amazing feature if manufacturers would realize we need it. Owen refuses to leave the volume down on the television. I’ve turned it off more times than I can count today, explaining to him that he can watch it again if he keeps the volume down. He likes to turn it up really loud, cover his ears with his hands, and scream at the top of his lungs, laughing the entire time he does it. Me, well I’m not laughing. He asked about church and school dozens of times as the day wore on. I’m thankful our routine might be returning even if it’s not exactly and completely routine. I’m worried about how he will handle it if he has to stop going again. I’m emotional thinking about it, but like many places that are opening, closing, or making people quarantine themselves makes me know it could happen. This one time I don’t think I’m overthinking. We had lasagna for dinner. To say Owen likes lasagna is an understatement. To say Owen wore the lasagna that he likes is even a bigger understatement. It was everywhere. Everywhere. I try to get him to use a fork and he actually did pretty good with it, but it doesn’t help when he pulls the lasagna back out of his mouth with his hands. There was even lasagna in his ears, for that matter there was probably lasagna in my ears too. I have to remember he loves it because I really never want to give it to him again. He ran ahead of me to the bathroom. The wall, the door, the light switch, the toilet, the sink, and the towels all had it on them before I could even get there and I wasn’t even thirty seconds behind him. He was yelling about the light still being on because instead of going through all the bedtime steps I rushed us to the bathroom to prevent as much repurposed lasagna everywhere. This meant he wanted to come back and check on the lights. Somehow, and I still don’t know how I convinced him to take his bath. He’s asleep now and this momma is worn out. For the love of Owen, I grow and learn. Through tired eyes, I smile brighter remembering Owen sing multiple songs in multiple languages. In days of struggle remember tomorrow the sun will rise and the rays of sunshine will blanket through the earth. Never give up. Smiles to all and donut daze! 
I was greeted with the four am wakeup call once again by hearing Owen at the cat water fountain. Tonight I will make sure it is turned off. It makes a low hum, but he can hear it over all the white noise and every other noise this house makes. I think I will need to move it to a different location. I was able to get him back to sleep and he then slept until after seven. I told him a couple of hours before we left that he was going to meet a new lady at a building he hadn’t been to before, still not wanting to say teacher and school directly to him. He was ready to go instantly, but I told him it would still be a couple of hours. He asked to go several times and was more than ready when we finally started to leave. His new school is very closed to his old school so as soon as I turned to go towards it he started yelling “no”. It was so hard on him to abruptly stop going to school. He didn’t understand it at all. I still can’t believe it so how could he possibly understand it all. We had to wait for a moment to see his teacher, but I was quite pleased with everything once we meet her. And luckily the iPad will stay at school. This school year feels so unknown, but I feel like it will be a great year for him. All we can do is one day at a time. I try not to show him how stressed I am even though I know he can see it. When we got home he seemed to be calmer than he has been in quite a long time. It was like he knew that he would be getting some of his routine back and it felt better for him. The night went quickly and hopefully without the fountain on maybe he will sleep past four and so will I. Keep dreaming of a better tomorrow. Know that you can make a difference. Smile and the world will smile with you. Smiles to all and donut daze!
All day I wanted to tell Owen he is meeting his teacher tomorrow and all day I avoided it. I couldn’t. And I hated it. If I would have told him all his emotions would have tumbled out at that moment and not to mention the hours at bedtime it would have been hard for him asking me about what we were doing tomorrow. I wanted to prepare him for going back to school, a new school at that and meeting his teacher, but I knew it would be too hard on him. I will tell him in the morning. Months and months and months went by and he still asked for school and his teacher even when it was closed. I worry now that he won’t go back yet, that there will be something that keeps the kids from going. And I’m also concerned that when they do go back to school that they will have to close again. That would be devastating for him. All I can do is breathe and take one day at a time. I have been doing everything I can to simplify my house for Owen. Every light is light, every noise is noise, and every change is a process we have to go through. He hears the electric in the walls and the movement of things like the washer and dryer. This morning I woke to the cat water fountain being taken apart. He had told me the other day it was “makey de noise”, but he walked away from it. I know that depending on how much water it has in it the noise will be at different levels for him. The older he gets the more everything seems amplified as well. I hope that he can learn to explain what bothers him about it so I can help him through how to process all the noise and lights too. I will try to change as much as I can but there is only so much I can do about the lights themselves. I know even certain light switches bother him more than others. They will make different sounding clicking noises when they are turned on and off. I hope as he learns more about music and sounds that he will find a way to drown out the sounds coming from every angle in our world. Today was a much better day than we’ve had in quite a while. There were a few rough edges, but in general, he was very happy. I pray for a good day tomorrow and that he quickly takes to his new teacher and school. She sounded wonderful on the phone when I spoke to her about all my concerns and was very receptive to everything I wanted to do. I’m thankful Owen had a good day and I am glad that he shared his beautiful smile with me. We played and sang together which makes for a very good day. Never give up on the hope for a beautiful tomorrow. Life changes quickly. Keep moving forward and know that you are amazing. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I got up from the table to get the request “turkey veggie straw milk pwease”, taking my glass with me. It left water on the table. Owen immediately jumped up from his seat screaming about “de mess”, putting his hands in the water, and it quickly turned to squealing. This is the first time he’s had a reaction quite like this when the table was a mess. If you looked at the table you would see pieces of veggie straw and turkey all over it, for that matter on the floor too, but for some reason, liquid spills equal quick meltdowns for him. Generally, it’s when he gets milk on his tablet, so I’m praying this is not the start of something with water on the table. He loves water. He never wants to get out of the tub when he takes a bath, but water still upsets him when it is on something else. I keep thinking about Owen going back to school. We meet his new teacher on Thursday and pick up his iPad. You can pay a damage fee on the iPad in case anything happens to it. Tears well in my eyes thinking about all the possibilities with that. He has an iPad at home. He also has a cover on it that’s been chewed through and it’s one of those incredibly strong covers. He throws it and it’s been wet more times than I can count for more reasons than I want to think about. I stood in the living room, grabbing my hair and resting it on the top of my head. I prayed out to God in my own mind, don’t they know my child will chew through this tablet, and before I could say another word Owen was behind me trying to climb up to my arms so he could pull my hair down. I stood crying. “It’s my hair”, I wanted to scream, but it doesn’t matter, he needs me to have my hair down. He has to see the picture of me, some days more than others, and that includes my hair being down. I’ve prayed all day. I long for his routine, I long for comfort for my son, I long for comfort to my own soul. I told him I loved him as many times as I could, trying to bring comfort to both of us. And all I want to do is eat cake. All the cake. It’s okay to feel the emotions, be emotional, sit, and rest in the moment. Through challenges, we grow, even if they seem impossible at the moment. Find your strength and know tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
|
AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
May 2024
Categories |