Sleep happened but my exhaustion didn’t go away. The mind, body, and soul react to the comfort of sleep in chaotic times but one night of sleep doesn’t erase exhaustion. But it does give me a new resolve and the last few days have given me a hope for our future. The beauty in Owen’s connections give me a confidence to cherish each brand-new day. Progress has been made today as well. He asked me about church and I said, “in a couple hours.” The roll of the eyes happened but he did not say “in a little bit.” It feels like a huge victory. Numerous times I said to him in a couple hours, and he was fine with that. He came running to me with his tablet. It was pulled up to the parent area. He needed me to put in the code. I wasn’t sure why he needed it since it was an app he already had. He wanted to change the app into Spanish so he could hear the animal names. He did great at church. It was a great message and more inspiration for the challenges we face. Owen didn’t want to go anywhere after church and then wanted to go everywhere as soon as we got home. He even said, “lunch with grandma” but quickly realized what he said. He was pretty calm except he might be losing a tooth. He seems not pleased about it though. I’m not sure why he seems more upset about having loose teeth now. He was very mad about the last one and even had a huge meltdown but the ones before he was excited to get a lollipop from the “pirate tooth fairy.” He is excited about tomorrow. He seemed sorry he was going to miss the bus home but I asked him what he was doing tomorrow and he said, “see Karla making music.” He is excited about going to his vision therapy as well. I’m thankful for a great day, even with the few rollercoastery moments. He laughed so much today and asked me for tickle hugs. He laughs so hard when I act like I’m going to tickle him but hug him instead. The joy is in the little things. They will lead to the big victories for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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“Go into the swimming a’pool,” Owen said a few inches from my nose. I’m counting four in the morning a victory. Yuparooni, it’s still very early but four is better than two and three. Victories are made for our choosing and this was a victory. He was excited to be going. He couldn’t wait to see his instructor and his friend was going to be there during the same session. I think I said something about it being four in the morning and I was still asleep but there really wasn’t much else I could think of at that point. I needed coffee. He kept watching swimming videos all morning long and in between that asking when we were going. I can’t say “later” because that sends him into a meltdown. I have to say “in a little bit” otherwise it is rough for him. We got ready to go and it was almost like he was doing a chant for us to get out the door. “Swimming pool swimming pool swimming pool,” he said. We got to the place and he said, “park it.” I always love hearing when his words match the moment. He was so excited about going inside. We got there early because even though it was a Saturday you never know with all the traffic. Our friends got there about the same time we did and we went inside. The first session was finishing up so we still had a few minutes before he could get in. He wanted in the pool right away. He handled it well even though he was anxious about it. He did pretty well in the pool but he wanted to play more than learn how to kick but the instructor did great with him and adapted to help him. We had playtime when she was with our friends. His top two waters are pool water and tub water. I’m not quite sure how to convince him to not drink the water. He liked the fish part better than the lesson part but he enjoyed it. When we left there he went to spend a few hours with his grandma. When I picked him up he said he wanted to go straight home and not by any of his usual requests. However, when we got home that was not what he wanted. He started having a meltdown requesting all the things. I finally convinced him to come inside so he could get ready to go to church tomorrow. He was out of the car in no time. The rest of the night I think he was exhausted. He played with his tablet and talked about church. When it was bedtime he got in his bed and then he came back out of his room. He went back to the couch and took his blankets to bed with him. He dragged them behind like he was Linus from the Peanuts cartoon. I heard him talking to himself and then he was out. He is excited for his next few days and I know they will lead to more connections and victories. I’m thankful for his progress and that great big smile. Dream big, love bigger, and give it your all. Smiles to all and donut daze!
More sleep was had. When Owen woke up he started talking about swimming tomorrow. I wondered if that would make sleep more interesting tonight. He was also happy about starting music therapy on Monday. Hopefully, he will be more excited about going to music therapy than missing the afternoon bus on Monday. I have to pick him up from school to get him there on time. He has been playing his harmonica a lot. I love hearing him randomly pick it up to play. While we were sitting on the white bed, with me drinking my coffee and him laughing at his tablet, I tried convincing him to go to dinner with his grandparents after school. I talked to him about how we can see others more than one day a week. I’m trying a new strategy with him. I explained that he sees me every day and his teacher a lot of days during the week hoping that it helps him understand that we can do more things outside our scheduled days with people. His teacher said he had a great day at school. He is grasping concepts and making connections to things he hadn’t before. I’m beyond excited he is making so much progress. He is exactly where he needs to be and as emotional as the decision was to keep him back a year it was the best decision I could have made. By four o’clock it already felt like the longest Friday night ever. He didn’t want to go anywhere and all he talked about was tomorrow. He was calm though. I prayed this would not keep him from going to bed because he was so excited about his day. His friend is also going to be in the same session with him so it’s very exciting for him. After he goes to his lesson he will most likely go see his grandma. He is definitely growing again because he ate all night long it seems. He kept asking for five more minutes before bedtime. He was yawning and yawning but I let him stay up a little later hoping that helps him sleep. He wanted to play on his tablet and then his harmonica before he went to bed. By the time he went to bed the first time it was about thirty minutes later than his regular bedtime. He then got up numerous times before he finally fell asleep. I pray he is asleep for the night. I really want him to be able to enjoy tomorrow. I’m thankful for how much he loves music. He plays a beautiful melody that fills my heart. Rejoice in the moments after you have walked over the bumpy road. Your victory is worth celebrating. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The beautiful world of sleep happened again. I woke earlier than Owen and drank my first cup of coffee before he even woke up. We did the whole light switch to the bed scenario for the second cup. I could tell he was in a good mood but still very concerned with the day ahead. On today’s edition of how cool Owen is we discussed the air conditioner. He always says he wants to go by the “air conditioner.” I never knew what he was talking about. Google Earth has literally given us the world. He showed me a building and on the second floor is a window unit. He pays attention to the littlest of details. It’s amazing the details of the world he has memorized. To him, they are all important. I can only imagine how he will change the world with his insights and attention to detail. He was really upset when we went out to wait for the bus. Someone was parking near our house and that upset him and then he was upset about the day ahead. He wanted to make sure that I was picking him up so that he could go to therapy. The anxiousness started as soon as we went outside and then when he saw the car park, he couldn’t concentrate on the day. He watched a bunny run off and I wonder what he thought of it. When I picked him up from school his teacher said he was a bit anxious today and had a lot of stimming but he had a good day, and he read a story slowly and pronounced the words. Then I took him to Therapy. I went in with him and I’m so thankful to watch his incredible progress. Hearing his “yes” is absolutely amazing. He says it was such confidence now. He also did great with his physical therapy and even though he was still anxious, he was able to do all of the activities. On the way home we picked up a pizza and he ate it all. He asked YouTube for “school fire.” They had a fire drill today at school so he was watching another school on YouTube to see what it was like with all the sounds and lights. There are so many connections he is now making. He told me he wasn’t going to bed tonight and he meant it. He woke up numerous times and came to me until he finally fell asleep. I’m thankful for the incredible progress. And the smile that he gives me. Sharing your smile is worth its weight in gold. Smiles to all and donut daze!
It’s starting to stay darker in the mornings. It’s that time of year. How do I explain to Owen that it is darker because of the seasons. I feel like he’s starting to get this but it is all a process. I thought about this as we were waiting for the bus. It will change our mornings and the way he looks for the bus when it becomes dark. He had a good morning and did his light and waiting for me to get my coffee routine. I’m thankful he’s been sleeping better. His sleeping better makes me sleep better. I started getting ready to take him out to wait for the bus and he asked me for cereal and chocolate milk. I can tell this boy is growing. He generally waits until he eats breakfast at school. His teacher has said that he’s been eating a lot more at school as well and that makes this momma happy. He was in a great mood when he went off to school. We had discussed going to dinner with his grandparents, and at the time he was on board. However, when he got home from school that changed. When he got off the bus he got very upset about me standing in the wrong place. Then immediately as we were walking in he started saying that he was not going anywhere and I needed to change and put on a dress. Then the meltdown happened as soon as we walked in the door. He realized I was doing laundry. I had different piles separated across the kitchen and laundry to fold on my bed. I didn’t even think about it. I had stopped working on it while the air conditioner repair man was here. By the time he left, it was time to wait for his bus. It didn’t even cross my mind. He started screaming about throwing the clothes down the stairs, and the pants in the trash. He can’t process it all. I can’t imagine all that he is going through when something like laundry is not in the right place. It can be piled up on my chair or my table but if it’s on my bed or in the laundry, hampers, it causes him to have huge meltdowns. He wanted me to change and for me to sit. Once I sat and he was able to get his tablet, he remained calm. I tried not to upset him for the rest of the night. You walk on eggshells, knowing that words and actions could cause even more pain for him. We didn’t go to dinner with his grandparents, but they understood. We will try again tomorrow after therapy. I focus on the progress and I try not to get emotional about the days I feel need a reset. I sit and breathe and pray. I can only imagine what he thinking in those moments. As the day turned in tonight, I talked to him about the emotions that we both have. I want him to understand that even though he doesn’t want the laundry out there are times that it must be in different places. Each day is a learning process for both of us. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. And I’m learning and growing every day, just as much as he is. His laughter was amazing this morning and that is what I cling to every day. Cherish the moments of joy, work through the sadness, and know there is a victory to be had. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Sleeping has mostly been great lately except on Fridays when Owen is preparing himself to see his grandma on Saturdays. This is where I have to decide what I should prepare him for and what I should keep to myself until it happens. I prepared him for going to his well check today but then it didn’t happen. I started talking to him about it yesterday and then when he woke up I told him that I would pick him up from school. Well, life happens when you have something else planned. The doctor’s office lost power so they had to reschedule for October. I let his teacher know that he would be riding the bus home instead. I was torn if I should still go pick him up because that’s what he was expecting but he loves to ride the bus and I knew his teacher would explain it. We were going to dinner one day this week with my parents. It was going to be today after our appointment. He said when he came home he didn’t want to go today. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are always hard to convince him to go anywhere. I told him that was fine but he had to decide which day he wanted to go with them. Now as life goes this day may have to change too. He said he wanted to go tomorrow. On Saturday we are going for a swimming lesson. I’m trying to gauge how much I should tell him about it and when I should mention the timing of it. I told him we were going to the swimming pool soon for another lesson but I didn’t say the specific date. He will be very excited about it but he may not be going to see his grandma on Saturday. They possibly have plans so things would have to change. These are all good learning experiences for him. Plans changing on him can be hard but he is making huge strides. I was excited he wanted to play his harmonica and he asked me to sing. He is learning so much. The night went quickly. He sat on the couch looking at his harmonica. I always wonder what he is thinking about. I dream of all the possibilities for my son and one by one he is accomplishing great things. I tell him all the time he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to. Believe in yourself and the rest will follow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Days off are hard. Days off are very hard, beyond hard. I wish I could give Owen the same schedule every single day but that’s not how life works. That’s something that no matter how many times we go over it’s still hard for him to understand and to move forward with, especially when it is something he wants to do but at the time isn’t an option or going to happen. Thankfully we both slept. In fact, he slept until almost six. When he woke up, he came to me. He said, “good morning mommy how are you I’m fine.” He then started asking if he was going to see grandma today. I told him I wasn’t sure because she had other things that she had to get done and if we didn’t see her today, we would see her another day. That didn’t keep him from asking me every two seconds. Well more like every five minutes. It’s hard for him to understand that information is not going to change that quickly. He also is seeking that reassurance that I cannot provide him when I don’t know what is going to happen. It’s hard for him to understand that things do not always happen the way we want them to. He also gets upset if I don’t answer the way he wants me to. He wants me to say “in a little bit.” If I say “later” then he will continue to ask me until I say “in a little bit.” It gets exhausting trying to explain to him the difference between each phrase so you just answer the way that will keep him calm. That makes it hard too because he then will continue to want the phrase said the same way. I don’t always have the right words or the right strategy but I continue to try to get him to understand that we can use different words to express what is happening. I can tell he is growing again because he ate all day long. Once we found out we weren’t going to meet with his grandma. I told him that we would see her another day. He took it well, but he still asked when he was going to see her. He also doesn’t understand that even if we go someplace with her, it doesn’t mean that he is going to go back to grandma's house. This also meant we weren’t going anywhere else today. Once that adventure was taken off the table, there was nothing else he wanted to do. We did have a good day though lots of laughs, lots of tickles. He would yell out from his room that he wanted “one tickle please and one hug.” He would come running out of his room and right into my arms laughing the entire time. This went on randomly throughout the day. He wanted to make sure that he was going to ride the bus to school and then home. I told him that we had an appointment and I would be picking him up from school but he would be riding to school on the bus. I told him it was for his well check and he then was excited to go see his doctor. I always wanted him to know that his doctors and therapist are there to help us and he can tell any of us anything that he wants to. I never wanted him to be scared of doctors, so I always explained that sometimes they have to do things like check our ears, weight, or blood pressure, naming random things. I’ve talked to him about shots and blood but it’s a hard concept to explain. The night went quickly and he was ready to go back to school. He asked again about when he would be going to school, and if he was going to ride the bus, then he asked when he would see his grandma. I told him that we would see her one day this week for dinner. In life, we have to learn that things don’t always go according to plan and we have to understand when they don’t. He fell asleep extremely quickly, and I can tell he’s ready for his day ahead. His laughter is what I hold close to my heart. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Let yesterday go and make tomorrow amazing. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I went to bed early but I also woke up more times than I can count, thinking I had missed Owen. He, thankfully, slept. His concern for the days ahead was on his mind but at least he was extremely happy. His laughter started early and it’s exactly what woke me up. He came to me and he started the conversation before I barely opened my eyes. “Good morning mommy how are you I’m fine,” he said not stopping for me to even answer him. He continued, “church church” wanting to confirm that we were going. I told him we would go to church, reminding him it was partly because he slept all night. He ran off to get his tablet. I can tell he is growing again because there are very few times any food is left on his plate. When I was fixing his breakfast he kept walking past me. He wanted me to tickle him. His laugh gets me through my days. He kept unplugging his tablets. He has a backup tablet and he also has a school tablet but he wanted them all at the same time. Seriously this is on me because I need to put his tablets where he can’t get to them but this is also a lesson he needs to learn. If I tell him something he needs to listen. Believe me who always wants to listen when we want to do what we want to do but there are reasons we need to listen to others and especially the momma. Today, I used the mom voice and the mom rules to try to help him make the connection to listening to me when I tell him something. He unplugged his tablets one more time so I told him we would not be taking his tablet with us to church. I had given the warning three times. When we got ready he asked to take it and I told him again we weren’t taking it. Technically we were taking it. I hid it in my bag but I didn’t want him to know it. I took it with me in case he had a meltdown at church but I knew he really would be fine. He did great. When I picked him up from his classroom my music man was playing with a little keyboard and waited to take it home with us. I told him he had to leave it there so he could play it next time, plus we have one at home. After church, we went to lunch with our friends. Owen did well except for constantly trying to pull my hair. This is a new old thing. He used to do it all the time and then it stopped for a while and now it’s back with the randomly “we don’t pinch mommy” moments. We went to the park afterwards but he was done in a matter of a few minutes. At least we went and spent time with our friends. We came home and I didn’t rock the boat. He was calm but on edge. Sometimes I have nerves of angel hair pasta and just want to sit so I can help him focus on being calm. Since tomorrow is a holiday I want to try and keep him calm. He told me that he wanted to see his grandma tomorrow. I said, “I’m not sure.” He said, “you can try.” I told him that it was up to his grandma because I didn’t know what she had planned. He said, “pancakes and grandma’s car.” I think the connections are there about days off and what he wants to do. He ate a huge dinner of shrimp and wanted more. He wasn’t ready for bed but he sure was ready for seeing grandma tomorrow. I’m praying for a good night and a great day tomorrow. Thankful for my little musical dude and all he is learning. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
One can hope that Friday nights will get better at some point but it sure wasn’t a sleep-filled night last night. Owen did remember his manners though. “Good morning mommy how are you I’m fine,” he belted out after asking about his tablet and when he was going to grandma’s. That was slightly after I had fallen asleep. I finally fell asleep around one and then woke a little after two thinking oh this is the Friday night we are going to make it. To quote Owen, “nopedy nope.” In my sleepy daze, I told him to go back to bed. You would think I would learn by now this does not work. I still have hope that he will sleep on Friday nights. As three rolled into four and then five and six and seven and eight he wanted to know when he was going to grandma’s, getting ready for church tomorrow, and about the bus, he would not be taking on Monday since there is no school. Around ten we headed off to Grandma’s. There are so many emotions with this. I kept trying to explain to him yesterday and the many yesterdays before that if he didn’t sleep he couldn’t go to grandma’s house because we need our sleep and the many other reasons. He hasn’t made this connection yet to sleep but I know he will one day. I told him if he woke up early he could take his tablet back to his room and he wouldn’t have to wake me up even though he’s excited to go. I explained again that if he needs me it is different than if he is excited about his day ahead. Explaining one time is not enough. It can take hundreds of times for him to make connections but I know he will. I took him to his grandma’s for a while and then I brought back our lunch. “Mommy take a sit,” he said trying to get me to not come into the room he was playing with Grandma in. They were making sentences and working on math. We ate lunch and then after a while, we got ready to leave. I told him we were going to go to the park so he could ride his bike. He said, “no ride your bike that’s fine.” He was telling me he did not want to go to the park today mixing my words with his but he said he would go after church tomorrow. He wanted to take his bath early. I’ve yet to figure out why he constantly wants to drink bath water but not regular water. My learning machine was also my musical genius as the night went on. He topped it off with Christmas carols before the bedtime process. I’m thankful that he loves knowledge and wants to learn. His songs filled my heart with gladness. Cherish the little stuff because that’s what leads to the biggest victories. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Emotions are hard. Sometimes it’s his emotions and sometimes it’s mine. Loneliness is something that easily gets me. Owen is not a big fan of having people come visit and when they do he tells them to “go bye bye.” It’s not always something that ends the minute they walk back out the door either. He will mention them for hours, days, weeks, or even years later. He truly does not forget a thing. He does better when we go someplace else but that also has been hard. When he would go spend time with his grandma I couldn’t come back for several hours because he would have huge meltdowns if I came back too early. It took years for us to work through those moments. If we tried to have a meal there it would spiral into more meltdowns. I can only imagine the emotions that he was going through. My expectations are sometimes what gets me. Like this week I kept praying that I could convince him to go someplace on those days that we didn’t have our routine activities and they were all a no. The pins and needles I sit on change the course of our day so many times. I really wanted to go someplace today and I couldn’t even convince him to go to the big slides. Really, I didn’t want to go to the big slides, the indoor playground, because most likely he would have spent an hour pacing back and forth trying to get into their closet to look for Santa Claus. He has rules about places and I can’t change his mind. We are working on this with his therapists and it is as much about how I handle a situation so I have to learn strategies to help Owen cope with these moments. The morning went great. He slept through the night and he came to sit with me. I asked him questions about his favorite things at school and his answer was animals. It’s not so much about the answer as it is about him answering the questions. The bus was right on time and he was so delighted to see it. When he came home from school he was in a great mood but he had one thing on his mind and that was seeing grandma tomorrow. I pray he sleeps through the night. We talked about sleep and how he can always come to me in the middle of the night if there is something wrong, but he needs to go back to sleep if it’s just about his tablet. I want him to understand he can come talk to me if you need something but he needs to sleep if he wants to go see his grandma. He gets it on his mind and he thinks about it in his sleep. He was quite calm and happy for the rest of the night. He played his harmonica off and on. I love that he just picks it up and starts playing randomly. I’m thankful for a good day and every day I pray for the progress. Be thankful in the rays of sunshine and remember every step forward is a step. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
May 2024
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