Owen woke at some point and came to me. I was too exhausted to even realize what time it was. He woke again after six, saying “church” and then back to sleep he went. He slept until almost eight at that point. I think he was completely exhausted from all the meltdowns and emotions. I know I sure was and still am. And here it is after eleven and he finally fell asleep from our day. He started asking to go to bed before seven. I decided last night to try to block his view in the car so it might be easier on him when we go places. I got online and knew I could have a delivery first thing in the morning before church. I ordered a set of window curtains like you would use in a camper and some black fabric that I thought I would clip in different sections to keep him in more of a cocoon. It kinda worked. He could move the curtain for the window next to him but he couldn’t see out the other windows. He was calmer at least for the ride to church. When we got there he was ready to go see his friends and “ride the elevator”. He generally has one mission, get to his class but today he stood there talking to one of the ladies from our church. “Hold my hand”, he said. She took his hand, speaking to him as she did it. He told her he was going on the “grey square elevator”. It felt great to see him interacting with her when my nerves were a ball of spaghetti from the trip there. I kept waiting for him to have another meltdown. As quickly as the conversation started he was ready to go to class. He had a great day they said and then it was time to head home. I dreaded the thought of it but we had to get home one way or another. I fixed the curtain he pulled down and then off we went. We got almost all the way home before he started screaming. It wasn’t as bad as the day before but the emotions were still there. I was able to calm him down but it still took a lot of effort and energy from both of us. Once we got inside our house he was able to remain calm for most of the day but my nerves were still all in high gear waiting for the screams to echo louder in my heart. Tomorrow I will try to get some dark film or something else for the window that he can take the screen off but otherwise, I’m going to keep trying this and see where it goes for him. He wanted an early bath, to play lots of music, and to go to bed. Four hours later he finally fell asleep. Hearing him sing about having a violin on the farm made me laugh and smile. I’m thankful music brings him joy and I’m proud of his incredible progress. Celebrate all your victories no matter how big or small they are. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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I never want to walk out my door again part two. The morning started off fine. Owen slept all night in his bed. That in itself was a reason to celebrate. Saturdays are our fun days but sometimes routine gets us all out of order. He started yelling “go see grandma in a little bit” pretty much when the morning got started. And so in a little bit we were off to grandma’s house. He stayed there for a few hours and then we were off to the coffee shop and bowling. He did well with both of those places. He got to “drink his coffee” on the way to bowling. Our beloved coffee shop makes him a special smoothie that he calls his coffee. Once we got to the bowling alley he was so excited. He loves it so much. We still bowl together, me mostly throwing the ball for him but he’s come so far. He listened to instructions and I showed him how to carry the ball with his fingers in the proper holes and his other hand under the ball. I try to move his arm with mine to throw the ball. He even wanted to look at the scoreboard with me several times. On the way home that’s where the fun ended and the sadness began for me. The screaming and meltdowns are becoming epic. He wants to go certain ways and if I don’t go the way he wants he screams. He can’t tell me why he needs me to go certain ways but even when I try to go the way he wants the meltdowns still occur. My heart aches. When we got home he kept screaming at me and pulling my hair. All I kept thinking is that he is nine. I have to make him understand how to control his meltdowns. He has to learn to breathe through them, find a way to center himself. I tried to explain to him that we cannot go anywhere if he cannot control his anger and screaming. I sat on the couch crying most of the night. He kept asking me to go to church, “tomorrow we go to church”. I told him that if he screamed at me and if the roads upset him we could not go to church. I said we weren't going tomorrow because he can't handle it. He said, “sorry mommy” and hugged me. My heart ached even more. It’s hard not to take it all personally. It’s hard to move forward and know that he is trying to tell me something through those screams that I can’t even begin to understand. It’s hard not to feel so incredibly alone when his screams leave a whole hole in my heart. And my heart aches for my little boy that is trying so hard in these moments. I cried out to God more than once tonight to give me strength and wisdom to help him through this, to help me through this. He fell asleep in my arms and I laid there crying. I pray he sleeps through the night once again and that tomorrow will be that brand new day I dream about. All I keep thinking about is his joy when he was in that bowling alley, laying on the floor watching those pins at eye level. That’s the joy everyone should have in their lives. Find your joy and share it with the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Let’s just go ahead and celebrate the first victory of the day. Owen slept late. And in his bed, I might add. Technically he stills calls it “mommy’s bed” but if he sleeps all night we can call it anything he wants. Once he came to me he slept almost another hour. When he got ready for school he wanted to “wear blue pants today”. I pushed the boundaries once again asking him to wear his black jeans or his camo pants. It took a little convincing but he decided on the camo pants. I don’t want to push so hard he has a meltdown over his pants but I also want him to know there are other choices. And he always asks to wear sweatpants if I suggest shorts or different types or colors of pants. Once he was dressed we went outside to wait for the bus. I have him help water the flowers with our watering can. It’s a hard concept for him to do. He has to angle it to pour the water out but he’s learning. He was very concerned about not seeing his teacher, both his previous one and his summer school teachers. I’m already dreading the fact that summer school is only two more short weeks, not even five days each week because of the way the schedule falls. Once school is out I’m trying to create a routine for him to be able to do other activities and stay busy. When he got home from school he wanted a snack. I filled his glass with chocolate milk and gave him veggie straws. Within a few moments, he came to me saying “be careful” while I was getting his tablet from the other room. He spilled his milk on the front of his shirt. The great thing he wasn’t screaming, his foot wasn’t stomping, and he was remaining calm. I got a new shirt for him, more milk, and it was like nothing happened. It’s those moments I sit on pins and needles. And when he doesn’t have a meltdown I try to breathe. I always offer different types of foods for him to try and he ate cheese and pico de gallo with me. He ate a few bites and he was done but at least he tried it. When he was about to get into bed he decided it was necessary to wear his “tan shorts”. He said, “I’m not going to bed with not wearing tan shorts”. Alrighty, tan shorts to bed it is. I drew the line at wanting to wear his “blue rain boots to bed I love puddles”. I’m sure that will be in a future episode of what gets worn to bed. He was so happy with his tan shorts to bed accomplishment. Hey, maybe it will make it easier to convince him to wear them tomorrow or the tomorrow after that. Some days there are no other answers but God. I pray a lot, shouting into the sky sometimes for guidance and strength. Today felt like several victories though and I was thankful. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The victory is in the pants alone and I did walk out of my house again. The pants, the ones Owen told me he would never wear, he wore. I fell asleep in his bed last night and I didn’t get out until my bladder won. I woke up numerous times but pure exhaustion kept me there. Bedtime itself can be exhausting. Hours and hours and hours of getting him to sleep. If the entire world could be quiet for a couple of hours each night we might find the right timeframe but it seems like every single thing wakes him up and if it’s not a sound it’s something he thinks of. When we got up for the day he wanted to sit with me. I do believe he’s starting to understand the importance of my coffee. I had finished my first cup and told him I needed to get up. He had his legs across me. He said, “get your coffee”. I had told him last night that he two choices of pants to wear so when I was getting my coffee I brought them with me to the couch. Clothing transitions are hard but he’s also growing and he needs new pants. He wants to wear blue jeans all the time now but not any blue jeans, the perfect color blue jeans. It’s again like the Three Bears of blue jeans, not too light, not too dark, just right. Somehow I convinced him they would be fine and he actually wore them. I think this started our day off on the right foot, leg, something because for the most part he really did well. I finished getting Owen dressed and he was off to school. He knew “momma pick me up for therapy” when he got on the bus. I love how his language skills are developing. When I picked him up at school they told me he had a great day. As we were driving to his therapy there was a sign that said “be prepared to stop”. I thought there is nothing about us that is ever prepared to stop in the middle of the road. I cringed as I read the sign, hoping the construction would not slow us down or cause him to be upset. Thankfully they were not working on that part of the road at that time. We made it to therapy without him being upset and only giving me a few driving directions. Once again his therapist told me he did great with all his sessions. I talked to her about the drive home and how every day now he had meltdowns over which way I drove. I explained to him earlier before we even left his school that we weren’t going to see the windows today because they upset him. I prepared him all the way home. He once again gave me some driving directions but we made it home with no meltdowns, only him raising his voice a couple of times. I told him how proud I was of him and that I was thankful he was able to breathe through it all. The night concluded with him watching how to fix the ball return for bowling balls and what the boot system is for a computer, plus singing in all his different language choices. He told me he wanted to take a bath. I said, “let's go” and he said, “not at this moment”. And with that our day was done. We made it meltdown free. His joy today was my joy. I’m thankful for his smile. Look for the joy in the world around you and smile for everyone to see. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I never want to walk out my door again. The meltdowns, the emotions, the screams, they are all raw and real. And then add in Owen repeating every place or person he has stayed with for the last few years and I’m in circles. He did so well on our entire drive until the last two minutes on our way home. He screamed so hard he was making himself gag. I hardly said any words to him all the way to therapy and all the way home. That in itself is hard but he did so much better than most of our drives lately. He wants a negative response from me so he can scream louder and pretty much anything I say or do causes him to struggle. I’m exhausted trying to figure it all out and keeping ahead of his emotions. My heart aches for my sweet baby O. How do I calm him, how do I explain to him that he needs to learn to breathe. I wish I could explain to him that not everything goes according to plan. I keep thinking I will go another route or magically this phase will run its course but that could take months or years. Plus he knows all the roads around us and where they lead. I can’t avoid an area because all roads lead to somewhere for him. All I can do is pray for calm to wash over him and that tomorrow he will understand when we have to be in the car again. I’m constantly wondering if he would do better if he couldn’t see out of the car. I try to decide if something like a drape all around his carseat would help. I always bring distractions with us like his tablet, weighted blanket, or food but nothing helps. Today I’m going to breathe and think about all of the amazing things he can do. He’s learning a new language that I don’t even recognize where it’s from. I’ll have to look it up. He is singing Humpty Dumpty in this new language and he’ll soon add it to the others he knows. He’s ready for school tomorrow, asking for his new teacher. Tonight he also asked about when he would see his other teacher again. If only I could figure out how to go straight from June to August when he returns to school. I keep praying the next few weeks go slow. He’s doing a great job wearing his glasses and they make me smile. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Keeping pushing forward and know that you are not alone. Smiles to all and donut daze!
How many hours in a day can you scream, Owen not me, and how many times can you say the first sound of a word without saying the word. These and other questions I’ve pondered a lot today. “Swe swe swe swwweatTaaTaa sweat ta ta sweat ta ta pants ts tS”, Owen repeated several times. “Sweatpants sweatpannnta ta ta tah pants”, he kept going. The night was filled with words he would drawl out. Soft and then loud, scream and then scream louder, laugh and then quiet. It went on and on. Most of it was clothing talk. He’s currently obsessed with colors of clothing, what he will be wearing, what he won’t be wearing, what I will be wearing, and certainly letting me know when I won’t be wearing something. The screaming, you would think I’d be used to it by now. I’m not. It doesn’t magically get easier for my child to scream at me. It’s gut-wrenching. It’s lonely, it’s daunting, and I want to scream back. That’s not the answer and he thrives on any hint of me getting upset about it. He’s nine. All I keep thinking about is getting ahead of these emotions before he gets older. There were many happy moments, many mini meltdowns, and times he was clinging to my side like he couldn’t move. Summers are hard, breaks are hard. He continued to ask me about school tomorrow and seeing his teacher. He went back and forth between this and talking about previous babysitters he hasn’t seen in years. He then started repeating that he is “not going to nursery school today no nursery school today”. I’m not sure how he even got to that point but he got right in my face with his foot-tapping and that means I better help calm him or a huge meltdown will start. His days blend together and what he wants to do and what has happened in the past all mix together. All I can do is keep pushing forward and focus on the good stuff. He sang his heart out today and in numerous languages, harmonizing his way through many songs, and even playing a couple of his instruments. I’m thankful for those moments on this journey, those are my smile moments, our victories. Find your strength, push forward, and know that you can change the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!
It’s hard enough when Owen can’t process something but it’s even harder when I can’t process that he can’t process something. My heart aches, it wants to cry, it wants to scream, and I want to melt into the floor. Owen says the right words and then here he is going to the bathroom in the tub one more time. I’m trying to block it out of my mind like all the screaming he did at me because I went exactly the way he wanted me to go. Showing emotions only gets his emotions stirred up and ready to go. I need to read a book titled How To Remain Calm No Matter How Much You Want To Crumble Into The Floor. I have to say though Owen had an excellent day. He woke in the middle of the night and came to me but quickly fell back asleep and even slept late. He went to the bathroom, he put on his glasses, and listened to instructions when I was ready to get him dressed. When he came home from school he was calm, when we went to our therapy he was calm, when we came home he was calm until those few moments he has to repeat the same behaviors even when he is getting to do what he wants. There’s a solution, there’s a way to do this but I’m at a loss. Following through one way for days on end did not change the behavior, changing it up only creates more chaos, and avoiding it altogether is extremely difficult when you only have so many options to get to your house. Back to the drawing board. When we walked into the house he was still going through all his emotions but it was like he crossed the threshold of the door and in life and he was happy as a lark once again. There’s more to this and I think it starts with him learning and feeling my emotions. Bedtime couldn’t come soon enough for me and fortunately, he fell asleep without much fanfare. I could tell he had a lot on his mind and I know that as he grows older he is also learning body awareness and that can change everything we deal with. I held him as he fell asleep and I made sure he heard me say, “ I love you”. He’s growing and so am I. Our life is not always easy to explain but the love sure is. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen didn’t sleep through the night but once he came to me he fell back asleep quickly and then he slept until almost seven. He’s been falling asleep later and later it seems. As soon as he woke up he reminded me to “get gas to go to church” and that he needed to wear his “green shirt”. Yesterday we discussed how I would need to get gas on our way to church. When he was little I would tell him that mommy had to get gas to make the car go vroom as he would scream at me anytime I had to get gas with him in the car. A lump in my throat formed as I thought about those early days. I kept hoping and praying he would repeat the words I would say to him. I remember the few words he would say and then never say anything again for a very long time. The waiting for those words was a very emotional journey. And some days as he is still learning to use his words and express his feelings it’s rough. He did well on the way to church. No screaming, no directions were told. He sang to me and talked about what he was going to do the next few days. He always likes to talk about his schedule. On the way home since he didn’t scream at me we went to see his windows. However, after we drove by the windows he started screaming at me because I turned to show him the signs and flags he likes but he wanted to go “straight” yelling it at the top of his lungs. He had only seconds sooner told me he wanted to “see the eagle” and then here he was going into a huge meltdown within seconds. My mind spins how quickly it all changes for him. So instead of going by the eagle, I drove home. I don’t know which is the right choice to help the meltdown but I had to get us home. Once we got home he calmed down in a few minutes. The journey feels rough some days. He was pretty much joined to my hip all day after that. Bath time is like the Three Bears story. When he is taking his bath he will say, “it’s too warm it’s too hot it’s too cold” one right after another. He says it hoping I won’t completely turn the water off, filling the tub high. I have to watch him though so he won’t try to turn the water knobs on his own. He doesn’t understand that the water could come out of the faucet hot but luckily when I tell him something like his food is hot he will let it sit for a minute before he starts to eat it. When he was trying to fall asleep he kept doing his fake snoring routine. Then he said he was snorting and he kept repeating “yawn” over and over again. It still took him over an hour to fall asleep. He talked about going to see his teacher, riding the bus, and our therapy tomorrow. And with that our day was done. We talked a lot, he sang to me in numerous languages, and he played several of his instruments. I’m thankful he found peace today after several tough moments. I’m hoping for a great day for him tomorrow. Follow your heart, love with all your might, and share your smile with the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen slept until well after five. He was calm and listened to instructions when he came to me and he even laid with me a few more minutes before he started asking for his tablet. I made a deal with him that if he went to the potty he could have his tablet if he sat next to me or played in his tent. It worked, well, for another twenty minutes but hey I’ll take it. We had a busy Saturday planned. He was going to see his grandma for a few hours and then go to our beloved coffee shop and then off to bowling. The language train was plentiful this morning asking me for several videos in numerous languages. His language skills fascinate me. When we were getting dressed I had several pants and shorts options for him. I’m trying to get him to wear something else besides jeans or as he is calling them “blue pants”. I actually got a different pair on him but he quickly told me “no pants today” and off they went. So he brought me a pair of jeans that were in the still too big for him pile. I tried to explain that they were going to be too long, which he hates, but he insisted on wearing them. As soon as we put them on he realized his decision was not what he thought it was going to be and immediately wanted to take them off. I told him he needed to leave them on and they would be fine once he had his shoes on. This took some convincing but then he let me put his shoes on him. Selecting clothes now that he has an opinion can take a long time and he changes his mind. I want him to have options but I also want him to realize that when he makes a choice we need to follow through with it when we can. Finally off to grandma’s we went. He stayed there for a few hours and then we went to the coffee shop. He took a sip of his “coffee” and he said, “ahh so refreshing”. Then make him a special milkshake and he loves it. When we got to the bowling alley that dude was ready to bowl. We bowl together. He puts his fingers in the ball and then we throw it together. Occasionally he will try it on his own but gets upset when it doesn’t go that far. Well, today as soon as we were out of the gate he was mad because we weren’t getting strikes. He was about to have a huge meltdown and I told him he needed to learn how to throw it with more power. Luckily he calmed down after a few balls and he started telling me “we need more power”, my words coming out of his mouth. I talked to the guy at the bowling alley and he is going to help us find an instructor to work with him. He watches bowling all the time on YouTube, he plays bowling apps, and when we are bowling he tells me how many pins he knocked down and what’s left. He will even tell me about the players around him. He knows his stuff. When we left bowling he wanted “chicken nuggets french fries cheeseburger a new ice tea ice cream one apple pie”. He watches kids order this on YouTube and he decides what he wants. He didn’t want more than two tiny bites of the apple pie and none of the ice tea but he devoured the rest, even trying the sweet and sour sauce they put in our bag. I pray tonight is another great night of sleep after a very busy day. I’m thankful he mostly wore his glasses today, slightly bending them out of whack but I have to remember he’s mostly wearing them. Be inspired, be motivated, and then watch how your world changes. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Some days all I can think is please let the sadness wash away quickly. And then I think about my sweet baby O sitting there in his new glasses asking Siri “how to spell giraffe in Russian”. Siri never spells it but she says it in Russian and he laughs and laughs and laughs. And now he looks very studious in his glasses when he is asking. Owen slept until after five this morning. I woke numerous times searching for him around me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to him sleeping through the night. He does it so infrequently that when it does happen I’m still at a loss. It felt like my pins and needles had pins and needles today. The more he is learning to voice his opinions also means the more mine are wrong, even if they are something concrete like the light isn’t going to change to green if you scream at it or me. I can’t even think through all of the screams he had today about moments that happened years ago. Summers are so hard and confusing to him and when people come in and out of his life how do I even explain this to him. Here we are establishing a new routine but it will only last three more weeks. I have to keep telling myself about the benefits of him going to summer school and it truly is a blessing for him. But it’s still hard. The pressure on me to get everything right seems overwhelming some days. I have to be on my toes constantly. Saying one wrong word can create hours of Owen spiraling. So I breathe. I’ve been telling him for days that we were going to get his glasses today. I asked him if he knew what I meant. He said, “check the board can you see the heart”. The doctor used shapes for him in the eye exam. His memory is never-ending. When we got to the office he knew “we have to wait our turn”. What he didn’t understand is that you try to be courteous and respectful of other people in the waiting room. He wanted his tablet but he wanted the volume turned way up. I told him he could have his tablet but he needed to keep the volume down. This lead to him biting a hole in his shirt and screaming. I try to teach him how we act and react around others but how do you stop a moving train. It was our turn and for some reason, Owen wanted to not go the direction they wanted us to but thankfully they accommodated us without even a question and put us in the room he wanted to go to. This made him very happy. Within minutes we had his glasses and my frazzled self and he walked back to the car. The night wore on with him wearing his glasses somewhat near his eyes and somewhat across his mouth. For the first day, I’ll take it. He screamed himself to sleep talking about the teacher he has now, his teacher he’ll have again in August, and all of his appointments that he has next week. I breathe. I keep thinking about when he walked up to me, wearing his glasses, and in all Thai, he asked me to look up “Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall with a castle”. We learned, we loved, and we grew today. Find your strength and grow tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
April 2024
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