“Grandma,” he said as he walked up to me holding his tablet. I could see where this was going with him. I said, “good morning Owen” and before I could get anything else out he said, “I’m fine how are you tablet tablet.” I moved forward. It’s hard for him to process everything and it’s hard for me to process everything thing he is processing. Breakfast seemed long. He ate from the minute he got up. It’s unbelievable how much he has grown. He was ready to go see his grandma. I’m still not sure why he wanted to go on Friday besides to see Mickey Mouse. I played it cool this morning and put my blue jeans on but I got a pair of shorts for him and didn’t even ask him, just helped him with them, and that was that. We got out the door with hardly a question. I’m going to slowly try to wear dresses when we go out and see how he takes it. The emotions are hard for him. We got outside and I’m trying to remind him to do his seatbelt. He got in the car and we had a seatbelt victory. I helped stretch it out for him so he didn’t have to worry about it retracting and then he was able to get it in the slot. He always talks about seatbelts but struggles with the motions to do it. We got to his grandma’s and he was ready for “mommy go bye-bye.” I reminded him numerous times that he wouldn’t be going on Saturday because he was going today. When I went to pick him up he started talking about going to Grandma's on Saturday. I told him that we could do other things tomorrow but he went to grandma’s today. He asked to go bowling tomorrow and I said we could so we will see how it goes. Both to and from grandma's house I went different ways. I want him to understand that we don’t always have to do exactly the same things and go the same way. He was not pleased with either choice I made, but I talked to him about why I was doing what I was doing. Autism is this much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. Learning to process and change directions is as much about how I expressed it to him and what I do as it is about how Owen perceives it. It’s a process and it’s emotional. He started playing a game on his tablet, and he had to win in order to get the gold bars to move forward. Instead of playing the game, he wanted to purchase extra gold bars. He wanted to buy the gold bars, but I kept telling him no that he needed to play the game. This led to him having a meltdown over the fact that I wouldn’t tell him the password to purchase the gold bars. When he plays a game, he will go through some of the objectives, but then he generally closes out the screen and starts over when he doesn’t see the same positions that he wants to see. He wanted to purchase the gold bars so that he could continue to lose the game and open it back in the same position. I told him that I wasn’t going to spend five dollars every time he wanted to close out of all the screens and lose when the objective was to win. I don’t know how to explain this any differently to him, except to tell him that we are not buying gold bars. I had to delete the app for him to move forward. I understand he wants to see certain screens, but we can’t continue to spend money on something that he’s just going to watch for one moment and then close out the screen. The rest of the night we spent talking about the difference between going to grandma's on Saturday and going bowling. We shall see what happens tomorrow but I’m thankful for the victories we had today and I’m praying for more tomorrow. Find what makes you dream the big dream and know that you can accomplish anything if you set your mind to it. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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Rinse, repeat, repeat, repeat, and more repeat, plus some rinse, and then a hundred more repeats. Or so the story goes. Owen once again slept until about six. This is one of those happy day moments. Maybe I’m closer to feeling rested, maybe. The emotions ran heavy today, very, very heavy. I truly do not know why Owen decided he needed to see his grandma tomorrow but he hasn’t stopped asking about her. I asked him if it is because of Mickey Mouse on the tv but even though he’s saying yes I’m not sure if that is the answer. My mind spins with him repeating “grandma grandma” over and over again. This is also coupled with the word “school” and the repeat is in full swing. I breathe. He gets stuck in those moments and can’t move forward. And neither can I. I remind him that we are a team and we have to work on this together. I breathe some more. We had rain this morning but thankfully the rain didn’t keep us from meeting our friends at the park. Owen decided he also wanted to ride his bike so I got it out of the car for him. I was excited that he had decided he wanted to ride his bike because he hadn’t wanted to do that for a while. Our friends got there right after we did. He went to the slide first. I wasn’t sure how he was going to react to anything because the rain had come. There were puddles across the field, and as soon as we had gotten out of the car, he had to maneuver over one to get into the park. It was a small puddle and he could’ve walked around it, but he wanted to walk over it. The struggle in me is letting him have a struggle as well. I wanted to get right back in the car and hide. The goal is to push forward and get him used to the rain but it’s emotional watching your child be emotional. I never imagined all of the conflicts he would have because of rain. I was able to get him back off the slide before there was a meltdown. He started sitting on his bike and kinda pushing it around. It sprinkled off and on the whole time we were there. He wanted to sit in one of the puddles, but I could see the emotions racing through him as he headed towards it. We were heading to therapy after we spent time with our friends, so I didn’t want him to get into a meltdown mode and get completely wet if he sat in the puddle. We decided to go get the kids a snack and then we sat in the cars next to each other. It was easier than getting out of the car and trying to work through those emotions with him as well. Each step is a step forward, but sometimes the hardest part is actually taking the step. It was great to spend time with our friends. When we were done eating our snack, we headed toward his therapy. He only had one session today and his therapist said that he did well but he acted like he was a little tired. On the way home he kept telling me which way to drive and all of the things he wanted to do but there were more raindrops coming down, so I struggled with taking him to more places. The waves crashed over me as all the moments flashed through my heart. It’s hard on my son and it’s hard on me. I try to think of ways to keep us both moving forward. Even though I really didn’t want to take him to any other places, we drove around the block. There are so many places that he throws out as we’re driving along. It’s hard to keep track of each one of the places. He has names for everything and sometimes that don’t reflect what it actually is. Like he references “the green stop sign” and “turn right at the kangaroo” but I don’t know what they are. We got home and he was mostly calm but said “grandma” over and over again throughout the night. I’m thankful for those moments he wanted to sit with me and that made my day. He was able to talk to me about yesterday and that makes me happy with all his progress. Each step is a step forward and even if you don’t always feel the progress it will be in your soul. Keep taking those steps. Smiles to all and donut daze!
When Owen sleeps through the night that’s already a good start for me. Thankfully he has been sleeping a little better the last few nights. I’m trying to not tell him our activities for the next day before he goes to sleep so he can’t focus on them. As it is he is already days ahead on what we are doing so that can be hard. He knows he is going to therapy tomorrow but I didn’t tell him we are going to the park with our friends tomorrow. I know he will be thrilled to see them but I don’t want that to be his focus when he is sleeping and I have to remember to not tell him right when he wakes up like I did this morning. Today he was going to spend time with our friend. I told him as soon as he woke up. This had him looking out the front window for almost five hours in between his breakfast, snack, and his other activities. He would come to me to make sure she was coming. She is helping him with his social skills and being able to go to new places. Taking Owen to the store does not always meet his expectations. Depending on the place he has certain ideas of what should happen or that he doesn’t want to go at all. Thankfully with our friend, she will be able to help him work through these moments. They went to a couple of stores and looked at different things he might like. He saw chips in one of the stores and asked for them. Then they went to McDonald’s and he ordered his meal. After that, they went to the library and they read together. They came home after that and she had him sit with me and tell me all of his activities. I love that he is learning how to explain things in more detail. After she left he kept looking for her and then he started talking about his days ahead. He still wants to go to his grandma’s on Friday so we will see how the rest of the week goes. His night was very calm and he only tried to talk me out of bedtime and sleeping on the couch a few times. We have a busy day tomorrow with the park and therapy. Each day I see new victories and I pray for his growth. Be the change in the world that you want to see. And dream the big dream. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen slept. I was so very thankful. It was a little after six before he woke up. We are counting the days until school starts and he is very focused on going to see his grandma on Friday. I’m truly not sure why he has that on his mind but it was something he had on his mind from the minute he woke up until the minute he was supposed to go to bed and then actually did. When he woke he took a small detour to get his tablet and then he came to me. “Grandma’s Friday,” he said. I felt myself sigh. It’s an emotional road. I try to not expect him to say good morning to me but it’s emotional, emotional. I said, “good morning baby I love you.” He said it again. I went on, “I hope you slept well.” “Good morning mommy I’m fine,” he said. I told him that we would have to see about Friday but we needed to focus on today. He said, “focus on today” and off he ran. I tried to not remind him that our advisor was coming today. He heard me talking to her yesterday but he was so distracted I don’t think he heard me say when we would see her again. I knew he would wait by the window all day if he knew that she was coming. I was able to keep him busy and right before she came I let him know she would be here. It’s a lot for him to process when someone is coming. When she got here he came to see her but he wouldn’t look directly at her. He squinted, said hello, and turned away from her. That’s all he could process. It’s hard for him when people come into our space. It changes everything for him and it takes him a while to adjust to it. She was here for several hours and he eventually started coming back to tell me more things or show us something on his tablet. He was able to talk to her more towards the end but it was still hard for him to look at her without squinting his eyes. He did tell her goodbye and then off he ran to play with his tablet again. The questions about seeing Grandma on Friday almost started immediately. He didn’t eat much of his dinner but maybe it was because he ate most of the day. I didn’t tell him our friend was coming to take him to the library tomorrow. I’m hoping that by not telling him until the morning he will be able to sleep again. He focuses on what is happening so many days ahead that he can’t enjoy the moments of fun that he can have each day. Bedtime was an up and down process but once he got through talking about Friday with grandma he fell asleep. I’m thankful for the progress. It’s emotional because I want the world for my sweet baby O and as much as he can’t move forward some days I will keep trying to find ways to help us both. He asked me to sing with him while he played the harmonica and that made my day. Find joy in the little things and let them make your world shine bright. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I woke to a noise around five in the morning. I thought at first it was Owen but he was sound asleep. I went to the bathroom, laid back down, and promptly fell asleep for almost another hour. I got up and he was still asleep. I think his sleepless nights are catching up to him. I finally heard him stirring and I opened the curtain hanging in his doorway. He has a door but there are so many emotions and behaviors associated with doors in our house that I hung a blackout curtain in several of the doorways and that seemed to help him. Before I even opened the curtain he started talking about his robots. “Robots have teeth,” he said, and as soon as he saw me he said, “huggies one hug” and started to move towards the end of the bed, crawling out of the tent. I think he’s closer to wanting it completely off his bed but for now, he likes having the end open. This is when I told him he was going to see his grandma this morning. We talked about the days of the week and what day it was. We got ready and we got out the door. It had rained so the car was wet. Generally, he runs to the car and gets in but with the rain, he wouldn’t touch the car. He kept lifting his legs to make sure there were no raindrops on them. I was able to get him in and off to grandma’s we went. He talked about not going anywhere on Friday and what he was doing on all of the other days ahead. A few days ago he found a video showing someone driving down the streets near where we live and it was a very snowy day. He started talking about doing snow angels on the trip. He yelled out “yeehaw” about the cars we were passing. I left him with his grandma while I went to my appointment. When I picked him up, he decided he wanted to go to Grandma's on Friday. This was the complete opposite of what he had talked about the whole way there and not going anywhere on Friday. His grandma said that it was fine if he wanted to come on Friday but I wanted to make sure he understood that if he went on Friday, he may not get to go on Saturday. Going to grandma’s became his mantra throughout the day. I used to say I had nerves of spaghetti. I think it is more like angel hair. I was hoping to move up to linguine pasta. The repetitive behaviors keep you on edge because you never know when they will turn into a meltdown. We came home for a few hours before his vision therapy appointment and he was very calm except for his mantra of wanting to go to grandma's on Friday. I love when he uses phrases that he has learned from different videos or other people. “You beat the clock you are terrific,” he said. We were supposed to leave early to go to his appointment so that we could pick out glasses. Severe thunderstorms were coming through and so I wanted to make sure that we left before they got too bad. We were just getting ready to leave when the rain started. He heard it and he said, “the rains coming hear it.” We went out to the porch. He took one look at it and said, “nopedy nope” so we came back inside. When we got back inside, he said, “it helps the grass look at the grass grow.” I called the doctor’s office to let them know we were trying to get there but I was not sure if we would because of the rain and they completely understood. Thankfully the rain eased up and it was barely raining so we were able to leave. I helped him in the car because he would not open the door. He did well once we got there. She tried a different style lens on him that makes him look up and he loved them. She is also looking at some other specific exercises for him. My emotions run all over the map because it is so hard for him to understand that the rain won’t stop. We will always have rain. We are working with therapists to help him move forward but it’s not a simple process to change how he looks at rain. This is my baby. It is so incredibly hard to watch him go through these moments without answers because of rain. I’m thankful he was able to go to his appointment and he did amazing when we were there. In those moments that is where I see the growth, I pray every day for a new beginning. Sleep happened and he’s ready for the rest of his week. Your daily challenges will become your biggest victories. They are only a day away. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Sleep, what’s that? In this case, it is what’s happening on Friday. Or what Owen thinks is happening. He woke up at one in the morning because he thought he is seeing his grandma on Friday. I tried to explain to him that he needed to go back to sleep so that we could go to church and Friday was still many days away. And that was not the answer he wanted to hear. He wanted to talk about Friday. He is focused on it. I keep telling him he will go back to school on Friday the eighteenth so I’m not sure if it is because he is processing the days or if it’s because he talked to his grandma about coming that day or it could even be because he went to her house on a Friday recently. I’m sure there are options I’m not even thinking of. No matter which way it was he was not going back to sleep. He at least took his tablet into his room for a few minutes but he kept coming to me asking for help with his computer. Sleep was not happening but rain was. I knew we weren’t going to church and I kept thinking I’m glad because of the rain. Some days it’s beyond emotional for me to think about leaving our house while it is raining. Today was one of those days. I’m sure it was partly because I was already exhausted as soon as I got up but I also knew he was already exhausted so the rain would be harder on him. Thankfully he was calm for almost the entire day and that might have something to do with being exhausted as well. He was only anxious about me opening any drawers and would come right behind me to make sure they were closed. I got him a new dog clock that has a ball that changes colors when he should stay in bed and when he can get up. I asked him to help select a clock for his room since every other clock that I’ve given him has been brought to me generally in the middle of the night when he doesn’t want it in his room. I haven’t set the alarm on the new clock, but I did put it in his room next to his robots to test the waters. When I went to check on the clock, it was on the floor. This did not surprise me. I’m thankful that so far he’s leaving it in his room but this could change in the middle of the night. Thankfully, he likes the look of it, so it may not be as much of a concern for him and he will probably keep it in his room. Even though he had been up all night, he still didn’t want to go to bed and fought it. I’m thankful he was in a good mood especially since we were both exhausted. He laughed a lot with me and wanted “one hug” often. Hopefully, he sleeps tonight and he’ll be able to go to his grandma’s house tomorrow while I go to an appointment. Dream of the possibilities. Smiles to all and donut daze!
A morning that starts around six is a good start to our day especially when Saturdays are not always days Owen will sleep late. I like days when we both start out in a great mood. That wasn’t today but I quickly caught up. I couldn’t fall asleep last night so that was hard. Some nights are like that. He was very calm all morning even though he was ready to go see his grandma. There was no rush to our morning and for that I was thankful. I can tell the boy is growing again because he ate two breakfasts. Or maybe it’s snacks all day. I was eating my breakfast and Owen brought me one of his books. He said, “mommy’s turn.” He wanted me to read to him. We read the book together and I love hearing his laugh as we went through the story. He ran off with that book, and within a few moments, he was back with another. He said, mommy’s turn again, and handed me the book. I had him read a little bit more of this one, but he has it all memorized. It’s amazing how many books he knows by heart. As he was getting ready to run off with the second one, I said to him that it was his turn to read the next one. He didn’t return. I shouldn’t have said it until he was actually back with the third book. When we got ready to go to his grandma’s house it was hard for him to process getting ready but he got dressed and was ready to go. When he gets in the car, I tell him every time that he has to put his seatbelt on. Having him do certain exercises or activities requires multiple times of instructions to get the activity completed. Teaching him how to do some things requires us to work on them over and over again but he is starting to get the process of putting his seatbelt on. He was happy to spend time with his grandma and he decided he wanted to go see her next Friday. Before he left our house, he kept telling me he wanted to go nowhere on Friday. I believe this was because it’s hard for him to process when there are so many activities and he wanted to stay home to prepare for next Saturday and he was also concerned about what day he is going back to school, but once he saw Grandma, then he started thinking about his Friday and being able to see her. He doesn’t know it yet but he should be going to his grandma’s on Monday. When we go to his vision therapy, we are going to get new glasses for him. I asked him what color glasses he wanted and multiple times he said, “red eyeglasses.” I can’t wait to see what he picks out when we go. He ate lots for dinner and then bedtime for one of us came quickly. He once again fell asleep instantly when he actually got in his bed but then something woke him and he came to tell me that he wanted to see his grandma on Friday. He knew he had to go back to his bed so he went right back and fell asleep once again. He’s looking forward to his Sunday, and I am thankful for all the smiles he gave me. Be joyful in your victories because you know that you walked through a lot of challenges to get there. Smiles to all and donut daze!
A morning that starts around six is a good start to our day especially when Saturdays are not always days Owen will sleep late. I like days when we both start out in a great mood. That wasn’t today but I quickly caught up. I couldn’t fall asleep last night so that was hard. Some nights are like that. He was very calm all morning even though he was ready to go see his grandma. There was no rush to our morning and for that I was thankful. I can tell the boy is growing again because he ate two breakfasts. Or maybe it’s snacks all day. I was eating my breakfast and Owen brought me one of his books. He said, “mommy’s turn.” He wanted me to read to him. We read the book together and I love hearing his laugh as we went through the story. He ran off with that book, and within a few moments, he was back with another. He said, mommy’s turn again, and handed me the book. I had him read a little bit more of this one, but he has it all memorized. It’s amazing how many books he knows by heart. As he was getting ready to run off with the second one, I said to him that it was his turn to read the next one. He didn’t return. I shouldn’t have said it until he was actually back with the third book. When we got ready to go to his grandma’s house it was hard for him to process getting ready but he got dressed and was ready to go. When he gets in the car, I tell him every time that he has to put his seatbelt on. Having him do certain exercises or activities requires multiple times of instructions to get the activity completed. Teaching him how to do some things requires us to work on them over and over again but he is starting to get the process of putting his seatbelt on. He was happy to spend time with his grandma and he decided he wanted to go see her next Friday. Before he left our house, he kept telling me he wanted to go nowhere on Friday. I believe this was because it’s hard for him to process when there are so many activities and he wanted to stay home to prepare for next Saturday and he was also concerned about what day he is going back to school, but once he saw Grandma, then he started thinking about his Friday and being able to see her. He doesn’t know it yet but he should be going to his grandma’s on Monday. When we go to his vision therapy, we are going to get new glasses for him. I asked him what color glasses he wanted and multiple times he said, “red eyeglasses.” I can’t wait to see what he picks out when we go. He ate lots for dinner and then bedtime for one of us came quickly. He once again fell asleep instantly when he actually got in his bed but then something woke him and he came to tell me that he wanted to see his grandma on Friday. He knew he had to go back to his bed so he went right back and fell asleep once again. He’s looking forward to his Sunday, and I am thankful for all the smiles he gave me. Be joyful in your victories because you know that you walked through a lot of challenges to get there. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I have to say I’m very thankful Owen slept all night. He was still ready for his Saturday but he was handling his Friday morning the best he could. We had places to go and that interrupted his waiting for Saturday. The morning went pretty quickly. I prepared Owen for the morning ahead. He ate all our leftovers from breakfast yesterday and wanted more. My sweet baby O is growing. I fixed him second breakfast and after he ate that it was time to go. We were seeing a new doctor. I told Owen that it would be someone different and he was prepared. He was not prepared however for them not wearing blue pants. He did pretty well when we got checked in and the attendee was in green scrubs but his behavior become elevated when the doctor and other staff were not in blue pants. I truly loved the new doctor and all the attention to detail they went through with me. Owen was screaming the whole time until they went out to talk to another doctor. While they were gone I spent the time trying to calm him. Thankfully by the time they all came back, he was able to handle the rest of the appointment. This is the world of emotions for me. I want to do everything I can to help my baby but it’s hard. I know in the long run all of this will help him but the process is still hard. They all had some great suggestions and we will go back in a month. They are going to see if we can get another specialist to help him as well. My goal is to help him work through these emotions and behaviors before he becomes a teenager because that will bring a whole new set of emotions and feelings to him. When we left there I felt better and knowing they saw how he was struggling with all of this will help them to see how to proceed. Every time we step out our door I know it is hard on Owen to process everything that is thrown at him. And any one thing that isn’t part of his expectations can change the rest of his days ahead. He forgets nothing so that changes how he views everything. When we left he wanted to do nothing besides go by his beloved windows and then home. I know he needed the calm of the afternoon and to wait for seeing his grandma tomorrow. I told him we were going to have groceries delivered. I told him way too early though. He waited at the window for an hour and would keep checking until the groceries came. He wanted to make sure they were bringing his chocolate milk. He had a radio that he loved to play his CDs on and then one day he wanted it gone. He would have huge meltdowns over it so I finally gave it away. I tried to bring it back to him numerous times but it always led to meltdowns. Today he open a drawer that it could never have fit in and got upset thinking it was there. He told me he got his hand stuck in the drawer while he was looking for it. He got it stuck because he kept closing the drawer with the other hand. I closed the drawer and he stopped looking for the radio that I think has been gone at least a year now and packed up for at least two before that. I pray for the days ahead and that each door we walk through is a step in the right direction. He sang and played his harmonica for me. That always brings a smile to my face. When the challenges of the day feel overwhelming remember that you are stronger than you ever imagined. Let the victory be yours. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Mostly we slept. One of us wanted to wake up a lot earlier than the other but at least we mostly slept. I was thankful I didn’t tell him we were going to breakfast with his grandparents because I’m not sure he would have slept as well. Owen was ready for his Friday the minute he woke up even though it was Thursday. Plans interrupt his routine and especially when his routine is something he wants more than the plans that I have for him even if it is something he might want to do. He woke up not knowing breakfast was happening but he knew his Friday was consisting of a therapy appointment he is fine with but that interrupts the process of staying home all day so that he can go to grandma’s house on Saturday to play on her computer and watch tv with her. But first, we had to get through Thursday. He loves going to therapy but so many other things were on his mind because they were not what he had scheduled. To say this thought process is complex is an understatement. My boy has got big brains and is amazing but he doesn’t always understand or maybe understands way too much about time. I’m sure there is more to this whole schedule and routine thing but I do know it is very important to Owen and that means it is and has to be important for me. Me helping him through the processing of this helps us both. Sometimes I feel like a deer constantly caught in the headlights. If I don’t respond or if I do respond and it’s not what he expects then his anxiety causes my anxiety to overthink why his anxiousness has become my anxiousness. There is no focusing in the moment but instead fixating on the activity that he needs to stay in his routined moment. The anxiety of not doing all of his activities causes the ripple effect forward. He had a great morning at breakfast and even handled that it was just breakfast with my parents and him not going home with them. He didn’t want to go bowling after breakfast so we went home for a bit and then I didn’t tell him but I decided we would go to the park so he could ride his bike. This went over so much better than telling him and he had fun going over the curb in our church parking lot. We then went to his therapy and he did great in his three sessions. He is excited about seeing the therapist tomorrow and then he wants to see the windows and come home. I told him we might go to the park with friends. He said, “and then go see the windows and come home.” That’s a Friday night plan if I ever heard one. In the evening we had a “discussion” about tomorrow and he was calm. I love when he throws big words into our conversations. He fought sleep but it didn’t take long at all. I pray for a good day and that he likes his new doctor tomorrow. The emotional journey sits on my shoulders but I hold on to the progress of his daily victories. In the beauty of your victories remember that you took every step to get there. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
May 2024
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