His smile radiates through me even in my saddest moments. Owen has been sleeping better, waking up most mornings happy and raring to go, even if he has slightly been on the sluggish side. Me, I’m exhausted. It’s funny I spent my youth and most of my adult years never needed sleep, always wanting to go, go, go. Now my body is unkind and wielding of its own mind, seeking sleep even after hours of sleep. There’s no downtime in our world. No calm, no slow down, no breaks. It’s twenty-four/seven and somehow if you could add some extra hours to that we’d take them as well. Maybe it’s all the emotions I have or that Owen has. I’m really not sure. Owen has been seeking a lot of input lately. The bigger he gets the more it seems his body seeks pressure. He pushes hard into me when he sits down next to me or he throws himself into his big beanbag pillow, face first, pounding up and down for the impact. He comes running to me, almost knocking me over with his strength, proclaiming, “big hug”. I’m looking at new ways to give him the input he desires. He goes through cycles where he needs more input. I try to figure out if it is connected to growth or other things going on, but I can’t seem to determine what it is and maybe it’s many factors combined. I see the progress, I hear his words, and I have to remember my own patience in these moments. Owen has no concept of time, yet yells out “two more minutes” when a timer goes off indicating we need to do something. He wants my interactions immediately, even if there is no possible way, screaming at me for the attention he seeks. But then there are the moments where he calmly waits for me to do my task and then help him. The jitters come from not knowing which reaction I will get. I look at Owen and my heart smiles. This is the little boy the doctors said might not talk. He’s talking, he’s communicating, and he’s making this momma so proud. My days are emotional, but the love I have for my child grows with every smile he shares. Rejoice even in the rain for the sun will shine again. You are worth it and let your happiness sing louder than your sorrows. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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Stop, there goes a banana. It’s funny what I think now in certain situations. I try to laugh about something that isn’t even funny, but coping is what I have to do. Owen and I were standing at the bus stop and our neighbor walked by. He was holding a bunch of bananas and stopped to talk to us. How is this even possible that this is a thing I have to watch out for or explain. Owen immediately started wrinkling his nose, diving into me. Luckily it was a bunch of bananas and not a single one. A single banana can cause meltdowns, a bunch of them generally gets stares. However, we have been working on this. I have them sitting at the house most of the time. It’s one of those things that I’ve pushed the line with because he likes the taste of the banana if it’s squished into a waffle or smoothie. Plus, it’s something that, like today, we are going to encounter out in the world. It’s like stoplights. It’s something that we have to work through so it doesn’t cause a meltdown. My strength waivers some days as we start driving down the road. He yells, “green”. We are nowhere near a light and the words echo through the car. I remind him to breathe, I remind myself to do the same thing. How can a stoplight possibly cause a meltdown that will last for hours. But they do. I’ve started changing his focus when we go through them. I make him count, I talk about his tablet, and I try to make him think about anything else in the world. And the biggest thing, I try not to cry. My emotions rock and roll through my body and I look for ways to bring relief to my soul. Most of the time I want to sit on the couch, not rocking the boat at all, but I know we have to keep moving forward, even though that can be one of the hardest things to do. I never know which way to turn, sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively. Why push the banana envelope when we could try to avoid it forever, I think, but then I know we can’t always turn right to avoid a stoplight either. Today and always know that you are a lot stronger than you think you are. Find your smile, share it with the world, and know you are important. Smiles to all and donut daze!
In the world of emotions, today is the full spectrum. My emotions affect Owen so why do I let them run through my veins. A calmness should wash over me and take control of the ebbs and tides but here I sit wanting to cry and cry and cry some more. “Owen don’t put the hot dog in your toes”, I said. Why does this even have to be a thing; a thing for either one of us. What makes him want to put food in between his toes all the time. He won’t wear shoes in the house, that goes against one of his set in rules that started at some point, but he also won’t stop putting food between his toes. I don’t know what else to provide him for the sensory input he seeks. He has sensory bins full of different textures, but the messy moisture of the food I guess feels good to his feet. He’s moved on to his teeth. “I wanna a ball pwease”, he says, as he sticks his fingers in his mouth. He comes to me repeating it. He grabs my hand wanting me to put my fingers in his mouth. He wants his teeth back that he has lost over the last few weeks. He calls them “ball”. They are filling in, but not quick enough to his liking. I suppose he is relatively calm about the whole process, but there is still a concern. He wants to set a timer to get his tooth back. “When the timer go off you can have de ball back”, he says trying to set the timer on my phone. How do I explain this to him. Two hours in and he still wants to set the timer. His tooth fell out days ago, but maybe another one is loose or he can feel the other one growing back in. I can’t cry. I have to stay focused on remaining calm. I wish I could explain the teeth process better to him. We have watched videos, I’ve taken him to the dentist, and he’s inspected mine more times than I can count, but that doesn’t help him through these moments. All I can do is hold him and tell him it’s going to be okay. I try to let the words sink in for me as well. As we run to the bathroom one more time to “wash your face” and brush his teeth, I think about how thankful I am that he can make these connections now. One day at a time I remind myself. Through challenges, there is growth and understanding. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Let your smile shine through even on the tough days. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Every single noise echoes through my mind like a herd of elephants trampling the bushes through a storm of mass proportions. “Bwanket pwease”, he yells over and over again. My heart pounds through my head. The elephants trumpeting again. My heart aches and rejoices more times than I can count each day. The emotions are never-ending and the love never dying. Sometimes breathing feels hard. I can’t imagine what Owen goes through. I wonder if he feels lonely or if he even understands that concept. I know I do. I feel like there is no one else in the world that could possibly understand these emotions, yet I know that there is someone crying reading this. Maybe they aren’t crying for the same reasons but they are crying. The last few days I have really been struggling, knowing that I have to keep pushing forward, but feel no mercy from the world around me. Physically and emotionally exhausted, hoping and praying for a calm in our ever-changing world, but yet seeing progress in Owen that keeps me in a positive light. The last few weeks have also shown me that for every tear I’ve shed there are victories coming. Today at bowling Owen was going through his own calming mechanism and counting down the balls once I told him how many he had left. That’s what keeps me going even on shaky knees. Things that we worked on months and even years ago are working. He’s growing and so am I, even though his growth is easier to accept. Be inspired by the world around you. Know that you can make a difference. And make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen has been sleeping more through the night but he still seems to be struggling to fall asleep. I can tell having the blanket is helping him though. When I went to check on him this morning he was all curled up in his blanket. I don’t think he quite understands that we now have multiple blankets that he likes, in multiple rooms. When he ran out to the living room he stopped as he caught a glimpse of another blanket on his beanbag. He said, “bwanket” and kept going to the couch. I hope this doesn’t cause confusion for him. They are all slightly different in color but the textures are almost identical. I never really understood the impact of textures until I had Owen. I remember my Grammy used to hate the tags in her clothes and I always thought she would have loved when they moved to stamping most of the clothes with labels instead of the tags themselves. I now do the same thing with tags in my clothes. The scissors wield their magic and I cut them out. Owen is becoming more aware of his clothes, my clothes, and the textures woven into our daily routine. I’m not sure how to help him through some of these moments. This morning as we were walking to the bus he stopped me by walking directly in front of me. He wanted to look at my pants. I kept him moving. Sometimes he will bend down right in front of me. I have to keep focused on his actions so that he doesn’t trip us both. He has become concerned with my shoes and especially my slippers. If one of them is off he will immediately pick it up or try to put it on my foot. If they are both of his concern will rise quicker but I also seem to be able to calm him quicker from it. I try to point out that he doesn’t have shoes on, however, this becomes a concern of mine. If I talk to him too much about what he is wearing then is that going to lead to more complications or will it help the process. Breathe, Lynn breathe. This is my mantra. I’m thankful for his growth and that his communication skills are improving. Both of these help propel us through our days. Be inspired, dream, and make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Some days I’m more thankful for the joy that has come with painting than I can even describe. It feels like an emotional blob sitting on the canvas but that works for my soul. I never imagined the feelings I would have from this experience. And knowing that Owen is helping me create works of art takes my emotions to a whole other level. After a year of painting together, I can see that he is starting to get the concept of strokes and how to paint the backgrounds. Some days it’s a little more emotional for him as well. I try not to make him paint every day but I also want him to know that he is learning an amazing skill and helping mommy accomplish something. Last night, after bath time, I had Owen help me paint. It felt so exciting to me because he really was more focused on the strokes. His words told me he wanted to be done but his actions showed me how much he liked it and wanted to do it. There is always this fine line of when do I push him to do things or when do I wait back to see what will happen. The goal is always to teach him life skills and keep him away from having a meltdown. The in-between is letting him always do what he wants but that isn’t the answer either. He fell asleep quickly last night, albeit a little late, but he slept all night long. He was tired this morning but very happy. These are the days that I feel calmer. He’s even more opinionated now than he has ever been, barking commands at me to stay seated or change my clothes right away because his words come quicker now. But I don’t know that he still knows the connection or the impact of his words yet. And I don’t know that he completely understands the demands he is making in the context he is making them. However, the emotions for me are real. His screams of justification for things that I do or don’t do when he wants something still sits in my core. I try to move on from the emotional rollercoaster that I ride by thinking about the progress and where we are today. His smile, his joy, our triumphs, and our victories are what get me through our days. Life doesn’t come with this one size fits all manual but through it all there is love. Find your joy and know that today is one moment in time. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I’m sleepy, more sleepy than I can even express. I started Owen’s bedtime process earlier than normal last night, but he still fell asleep later. He woke up at two, yelling for his teacher. He came to my room and quickly settled in. Quickly may be the wrong word to use, but he fell back asleep. I’m on to him though. I now have the style of blanket he likes in both our beds. This at least keeps him from having to get it from the living room. He laid at the top of the bed, across the pillows instead of laying inside of the U shaped pillow I have for him in my bed. He wanted his head pushed up against mine. This is an indication to me he wants input for his body. Sometimes I’m too tired to even process this though. He wants me to massage and do joint compressions but sleeps wins a lot of the time for both of us. He kept talking about his teacher and going to school. I tried to explain to him that he needed to go back to sleep so he could go to school in the morning. About thirty minutes later sleep won. There were no signs of the sickness that had sent him home from school on Tuesday, so off to school, he went. We stood at the bus stop and I could tell he still needed input for his body. He grabbed ahold of me several times, pushing into me as he pulled me towards him. He’s getting stronger now and it’s hard for me to brace for the impact of his hugs. If he can reach my hair he will put it in his mouth, still searching for the sensory input that it gives him. I’m thankful he very rarely uses it as the weapon like he did when he was a toddler. He would come running to me, grab my hair and pull on it with such anger and force. Now that he is able to communicate more I can calm him quicker. I can see when he is starting to go into a meltdown more now as well. The signs are clearer to me and this helps me to focus my energy differently, which in turn helps me steer the meltdowns away. Today I focus on how far we’ve come, knowing that together we are learning and growing. Yesterday is written in stone but tomorrow your story can still be changed. Find your inspiration and make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
“I wan help pwease trash an let’s trash an”, Owen says to me, grabbing my hand, walking to the kitchen, and reaching towards the bananas that are sitting on the counter. He wanted me to throw them away in the trash can. I told him no, that I would move them. Bananas are the meltdown food of all meltdown foods except he doesn’t understand how much he loves to eat them. If he doesn’t see them he will eat them squished on his food like his waffles. We’ve come full circle though, at least he can now be in the same room with them. I had to pick Owen up from school this morning. He had gotten sick. When I picked him up his face was still a little ashen, but as the morning moved on he was drinking and eating fine, now requesting a hot dog. I’m not sure if he’ll eat it but he is keeping everything else down. He said he wanted to take a nap. But really he wanted to be covered up with the blanket and then uncovered and covered and uncovered. This is a constant with him now. He screams for the blanket even while he is covered. This went on for an hour. He ate most of his lunch, asking for more veggie straws and milk. I wish he could tell me what was wrong with him this morning, but I’m thankful it seems to be gone. His words are stronger every day and he’s beginning to be able to explain to me more of his wants and needs. I remind myself this is still the beginning of our story and there is so much more that is unwritten. As he yells at me to vacuum, knowing he doesn’t want me to vacuum, I am thankful for the little things. Don’t let this day wear you down, let this day make you shine. Follow your heart, sing praises of glory, and keep writing your story. Smiles to all and donut daze!
“Single bells single bells single all the way”, has been the song of choice for Owen since about five o’clock this morning after he kept yelling his teacher’s name. How do you explain a holiday. I can’t believe how big Owen is getting. In so many ways I see the growth and how he is changing. Then I feel his emotions and how he reacts to things, and I know we still need to work through these moments. He is currently watching a vacuuming video. He has control of it, asked me to even find the vacuum videos, but every time he hits the play button he cries out, “it will be off in a minute”. He then comes running to me, asking me, “wanna vacuum”. If I say, yes let’s vacuum, he screams. If I say no, he says, “vacuum in a minute”. For this, a distraction was needed. Let’s count to ten, I said. He immediately started pointing to his fingers on his hand and counting them. He counted all five by pushing on them with his other hand. He wasn’t mad and I wasn’t helping him count them. Both things were huge. When he got to six he kept counting, looking at me, and shaking both of his hands. He wasn’t really able to figure out how to hold six up on his own and he couldn’t process how to count the other hand at the same time, but these moments are still huge and show growth. As soon as he was done he went right back to being upset about vacuuming and not vacuuming. I take our victories when they come and celebrate each and every one of them. When we came home today from our adventures Owen yelled, “turn right” at the correct moment. Normally he says “turn left” or “straight up” no matter which way we are going. I told him how excited I was and that he got it correct. He starts telling me how to drive before we even walk out our door, so this victory counts as a big one, even if it was only in that moment, for those moments will lead to more. Celebrate your victories, celebrate ours, and know that tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
There are some moments in time we have to let go of. And sometimes that can be the hardest thing in the world to do. I dream of days that it is calmer for Owen. Or maybe calmer for me. I’m always on edge, waiting for the next meltdown to happen. His shoes are of great concern for him. This means they are of greater concern to me. And then my baby starts singing “dis ol man he played one” and I think about how far we’ve come. My emotions are strong today, but when Owen started singing it made me realize how thankful I am. He has been interacting with me more and responding to my questions with more frequency. I’ve been trying to get him to spell words with me, especially when we are in the car. I always start with the word “ball”, hoping that the routine of it will help. As soon as I say, “how do you spell ball”, he quickly answers with, “no”. I keep going by starting to spell the word. He doesn’t quite understand so he says, “b is for ball”. I spell the word and move on to the next one. We usually get through four or five words before he starts screaming again about the stoplights. I truly think if I could stay home all the time I would be fine with that, but I know it’s not possible and I know that really isn’t good for us. Walking out our door takes all my strength some days. His anxiety is my anxiety. Those moments are when I have to look at our progress and know that today is one moment in time. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. And I know that through his eyes I’ve learned what love means like I never understood before. Today and always remember through rain the sun will still shine. Follow your heart and make your dreams come true. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
May 2024
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