Owen didn’t sleep much last night. I think the river was running through his dreams. He woke with the same thing on his mind as it was yesterday. The river. I sit here beyond exhausted but it’s quiet, except for the pulse running through my headache. I have to sit. From five o’clock this morning until nine o’clock tonight it was full-on waves of sounds and emotions. He fell asleep in my arms and I think I probably could have fallen asleep in his. He let me eat a banana today without screaming. He got under the covers when I was eating it, peeking out his head to say, “you done you not done” numerous times. Then he said, “throw it in the trash” and I told him sure, that he could throw away the skin for me and he did. This meltdown worthy food has been a rollercoaster ride for years. Today was a big step. I wouldn’t even think about pushing it if he didn’t love the taste of them so much. Yesterday he had a banana smoothie and drank the whole thing down. As long as he doesn’t see it he’s fine with them and as much as he loves the taste I keep trying different ways for him to be fine with the actual banana. “River” was his focus today but momma wasn’t gonna play today. I got my serious mom face on when he tried to push my buttons. It’s amazing actually how far that got us. I deleted YouTube from his tablet. He was able to spell YouTube in the App Store and get it back. Score one for Owen. Then I wouldn’t look up the river video for him so he spelled it all day long. And the date right along with it, not only on his tablet but on the tv too. The dude had a big appetite, I guess from having to type all that stuff out because he asked for shrimp three times and ate every single bit of what I made him. We both had our share of emotions today but he was much calmer and the more I stood my ground the more we both grew. Let’s see where the river lands us tomorrow. Follow your heart, make your dreams a reality, and never forget that tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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I want so bad to focus on the good for the day but the river ran through it. Owen found this five-second video of a Disney clip that someone posted. All the description had was the date and I tried to explain to him that YouTube would not understand what we were looking for when I used the voice-activated option. Next, I told him that we had to look at who posted it. This lead to hours upon hours upon hours of him repeating the word river. After me saying the title and the name of the person that posted it he then wanted to hear it every five seconds, as soon as it ended. The word “river” was part of the person’s name that posted it. This is one of those things that he saw it pushed my buttons. He also was compelled to watch the video because it gave him the sensory stimulation he was wanting but I could see the extra twinkle in his eyes as he asked me so many times. I have to walk that fine line of not letting him see what gets to me as well as not pushing him to get upset or have meltdowns if I do get upset about something. He knows how to look things up on YouTube he even wanted me to spell everything out for him so he could enter it into the search bar instead of me trying to find it with a voice-activated option. He got on the tv, went to YouTube there, and then searched for it by typing it in. At one point I told him I’d set a timer and when the timer went off I would look it up again. This lead to him standing an inch from my nose yelling, “when the timer goes off”. So today I learned that you can literally say the word “river” more than sixty times in sixty seconds for five hours. He did breathe and eat but otherwise, he wanted to watch the five-second video. I’m not sure if one of us learned a lesson today but I’m exhausted nonetheless and he fell asleep quickly. He wanted to follow no directions or work on any projects tonight. Some days we get through it. I held him a lot. I tried not to show my emotions and explain to him that we were a team and we needed to support and love each other. And that momma sure was cranky. He said, “are you happy today”. No matter what my sweet baby O teaches me the lessons I need to learn and grow from. Find your happiness, be excited for the tomorrow yet to come, and know that you make a difference. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen slept a little better last night, woke early but immediately went back to sleep. I think I’m still in sleep mode from yesterday. He had a pretty calm day. I felt on edge most of the day. His words were great and kept coming. And I felt like he was making a lot of connections to those words. He fell off his yoga ball and he said, “be careful”. Earlier he asked, “is it pair of shoes or parachute”. I thought that was very clever. Some of his words don’t always associate with the object or meaning he is trying to express so when he comes up with words and phrases on his own it’s very cool to me. Even if some of the words he is using are from other things I'm still impressed. He ate a lot of food throughout the day. I keep trying new foods or expanding the choices that I give him. He had a cheeseburger and he’s had them before but tonight he ate it with ranch dressing. I asked him if he wanted to try the “sauce”. I made him try a bite and then he asked me to put the sauce on each bite. It’s important to me to get him to try a wide variety of foods. He does pretty well with it but sometimes we still have to work through the process. He played a lot with the laptop and off and on it went. He is truly amazing when it comes to learning technology. He took his bath and he was really tired as he got into bed. The fake snoring commenced almost immediately. “I gotta go to sleep”, he said and then, “you gotta go to sleep”. It wasn’t much longer and he was. His smile made my day, his laughter filled my heart, and his words made me rejoice. Find your inspiration and watch your world grow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
When you want to cry but you have to remain strong, that about covers my day. I was screaming on the inside and crying on the outside but I’m giving myself credit for coping. Right now we are all in challenging times. We all have a story that is changing daily. And we all would like a moment of calm. Owen doesn’t understand what is going on in our world. Heck, how can I even explain it to him when I don’t completely understand how this is all possible. He was watching a video on his tablet and he randomly said, “I want spring please”. I’m not really sure what it was in reference to but I thought spring is the new awakening every year and as daunting as our daily lives are I should still be thankful for the little things. Owen hugged me more today than he normally does, which is generally a lot. He probably knew I needed it. Or maybe he needed it. Either way, I was thankful. His reading is coming along beautifully. He is getting more and more frustrated with the voice-activated option and he is learning to spell the words he wants into the search. I remind myself once again the doctors told me he might not talk. Not only is he talking but he is soaring. He pulled up YouTube on the television and he was searching for the video he wanted. He had to arrow through each of the letters. I wasn’t watching him at first and then I started hearing him say letters out loud as he was finding them on the letter grid. The progress was amazing and I thought what a gift it is to be able to see this unfolding. When we came home today as soon as we turned on our street he started saying the name of it. This was the sprinkles on top of that hot fudge sundae kinda day. I dream of life skills for my sweet baby O and they are getting stronger every day. Never give up. Keep pushing forward, dream big, be inspired, and be the change. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The overwhelming sensation of being overwhelmed was overwhelming. Owen slept all and for that I was thankful. Off he went to school after I had tried to prepare him for the rest of his day. He was going to a physical therapy evaluation after school. This meant I would as picking him up a little early instead of him riding the bus home. This was the first part that was hard on him because he loves his routine and he loves riding the bus. The therapy place was about forty minutes away so this caused him to have anxiety about all the red lights that weren’t green and any slow down on roads that I had to turn on. I tried again on the way there to explain to him what was going to happen but how do I even prepare him when I wasn’t a hundred percent for sure myself. The place was a lot bigger than I expected. When we walked in there were doors everywhere. This was hard for him to process. Some were open, some were closed and then we got to the slider window to be checked in. That was too much for him. The receptionist left it half open, several times. This was several times too many for him. I could feel his anxiety increasing by the moment. He was distracted by the cartoon that was on the tv but he wanted Mickey Mouse so as much as it was good it was still hard on him. There were too many people coming and going for him. A little boy was crying and we still “had to wait our turn”. When the therapist came to get us we went to a room. He immediately started saying he needed to go potty but that is code for I want to run around this place and not be in here. I could tell by the gleam of his eyes and he uses it a lot to get out of sitting at the kitchen table. The evaluation kept him in high gear. Spitting, biting, pulling my hair, and numerous other things kept me on the emotional rollercoaster. The therapist understood but it’s still tiring and hard. My sweet baby O is incredibly strong, flexible, and has amazing balancing skills that show such stamina and body awareness but when you look at the big picture he has low muscle tone and no understanding of his surroundings or how his body works. After the first part of the evaluation, the therapist wasn’t sure if he needed physical therapy but once she saw how he handled the steps she could tell he would benefit from it and not just occupational therapy. I left there drained and he left hyper. He screamed the whole way home and all I could do was think I wish it wasn’t so hard on him. The rest of our night he was still very overstimulated but the session completely wore him out. He was asleep quickly and this momma has sat since then reflecting on our day. I dream of tomorrow because I know that it will be a better day. We grow, we learn, we love. Don’t let today stop you from seeing the bright spot of tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen slept a little better than he did the night before but he still woke several times. I stood in my kitchen and he started yelling because I wasn’t sitting. He kept yelling. I was getting coffee. This did not please him. Maybe I can find a way to put a siphoning hose from the coffee pot to the living room so I can sit constantly. I have to make myself laugh because crying is way too easy. Some days are harder than others for him, for me. He wants me to do what he wants. There are days I go about doing activities and he has no problem with it and then there are other days the more I attempt to do things, like not sitting, it becomes an avalanche of emotions and no matter what I do at that point the meltdowns will be never-ending. Today’s example was his tablet went flying across the room. This is something that does not happen often anymore and when it does we go through many steps before he can have his tablet back or whatever else he threw. I tell him that I understands his emotions are very important but throwing his tablet or screaming is not something we do. We work on breathing techniques, counting, and relaxing before we move forward. I want him to find coping skills that work for him when his world is turning upside down. We are also working on ways for him to be able to explain to me when he feels like a meltdown is coming. This is easier said than done because some of them come completely out of the blue and he has no way to connect quick enough to those emotions. We learn, we love, and we grow. I asked Owen what church meant to him. He replied, “my name is church I am church you can have church”. I’m thankful that he is learning to express himself and he can tell me what’s important to him. Some days are emotional but the joy comes from seeing the progress in my sweet baby O. Never give up because tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
My exhaustion is exhausted. I didn’t fall asleep until almost one last night. By two Owen decided he needed milk and to go to grandma’s house. There was no convincing him that it was still bedtime and we certainly weren’t going to grandma’s house at two o’clock in the morning. When Owen wants something Owen does not let you forget it. He will remind you about every two point two seconds if he doesn’t remind you quicker. I remind him to breathe, count to ten, and offer distractions only for him to state exactly what he wants once again. And I’m exhausted. Me handling the situation correctly means back to sleep, no screaming, and a happy Owen. Me handling it incorrectly gets him talking about going to grandma’s house all night long, all morning long, and in the car until we got there. When I picked him up he went on to the next phase of our weekend, church. Part of his anxiousness and anxiety is brought on by the fact that these routine things, that he absolutely loves, have been taken away from him during the pandemic. I think back to how many times I had to hold my baby, rocking him on the floor because he couldn’t understand how his life changed so much. All of this has been hard on everyone but Owen can’t even begin to understand this. He doesn’t understand when there are any breaks from his daily routine under normal circumstances and then add in a pandemic and what do I even say. He holds on to the things he can and needs to be reassured over and over and over times a thousand every day that he will be going back to school and church and his grandma’s and and and. My heart aches. I’m going to instead focus on the connections he’s making. He brought me his tablet. He read the title under one of the videos and before we could search it the internet went out for a moment. Luckily only for a moment. I closed YouTube and by the time I opened it again, it was working. “There we go”, he said when YouTube popped back on. He hadn’t said as many words today, I’m sure exhausted from his night so to hear the expression, using his words delighted me. Through pure exhaustion I dragged my feet to get him ready for bed, praying that he would fall asleep quickly. He took his bath, got his pajamas on, started watching “the movie” which is really a calming music video, and was out within ten minutes. This momma needed that. As soon as my head hits the pillow I pray I’m asleep too. Luckily the sleepless nights aren’t as common anymore but boy oh boy are they hard when they do. I rejoice in his growth, strength, and the inspiration he gives me to keep pushing forward. Find your voice, share your story, and know that you are important. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen woke numerous times last night but I was able to get him back to sleep. And then he was up for the day by about five. He always wants me to “sit”. I was going to get coffee and as soon as I got up he said, “sit”. He knew what I was going to do so I said, “what am I going to do” and he said, “get coffee”. I then said, “what am I going to do next” and he said, “sit”. The words kept flowing. Expressions come left and right of his own making now but he still uses the canned phrases we have been working on for years. When he got off the bus he immediately started talking about how many sleeps until he saw his teacher again. He went through his whole routine of the weekend. And he knows he is going to see his grandma tomorrow. He started saying her name in a chant like singsong manner an hour before bedtime and didn’t stop saying her name for two hours. It was pretty much her name and nothing else. If I try to make him stop he screams, if I tell him he won’t see her he screams, if I distract him well there really is no distracting him, so I breathe. He wanted me to give him a big hug while he was falling asleep. This means he wants my arm over him and he wants me not to move while he flip-flops like a fish out of water in his bed. Every time my arm moves off of him he yells “big hug”. I pray a lot for his comfort and hope that we can find a better way to get him to sleep. So far that does not seem to be the case. I have to focus on the positive side. He’s expressing himself more and able to carry on more conversations with me. For this I am thankful. Today is one moment in time. I see his growth, I know that he is doing amazing things, and I remind him how special he is. Positive words and positive actions equal a positive life. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Today was a calmer night than yesterday even if a very loud, very distorted, video all in Spanish was blared throughout the night. He loves watching Disney Junior in every language possible. And somehow tonight he found one that had been dubbed with a distorted squeal. The more it squealed the louder he wanted to listen to it. He absolutely loves noise, loud loud noise. He also loves to sing. He has an incredible voice and the tones he produces are spot on when he is truly singing with his voice. He walked through the living room with his ukulele hanging from his neck, playing, singing, and making this mommy proud. I help him put his fingers on the strings, pushing them down, and his other hand goes to town strumming along. I’m amazed at how well he does with it. I know this will truly help his fine motor skills. I know nothing about guitar but half the battle to me is having him feel the music. He has a natural talent and a love for it. We have many instruments and he seems to have a knack for all of them. I’m amazed when he plays his harmonica. He was able to get powerful notes coming in and out of it rather quickly. He doesn’t know how to play any particular songs on the instruments but his willingness to try and his excitement for singing shines through. I know that his skills will improve each time he picks one of them up. Dinner was a little smoother tonight and maybe it’s because I didn’t even try to push it except making him take a bite of chicken noodle soup. He informed me, “yum yum do you like it no throw it in de trash carrots chicken” and immediately the bites went from his mouth to the trash quickly. He ate the bite of noodles though. I pretty much knew how that was going to go so I had already made him a beef patty and he finished his and mine. I got myself one growing boy. Thankful for his smile on days that I need it most. I see his smile and my heart explodes with gratitude that he is mine. Walk the dream that is yours. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen slept all night but woke extremely sleepy. Me, I didn’t sleep most of the night and I’m always sleepy. He was excited to go back to school after a snow day and I knew that it would help him to go. I also know that sometimes when he comes home from school I get that attitude he couldn’t unleash during school. He was full of words and actions, some good and some a little loud. Okay, so really loud. He screamed a lot and I tried not to cry. We are working on behavioral issues. I remind him we are a team and we don’t scream at each other, especially an inch from my nose. I feel it’s important to teach him about respect and working together. He may not understand it all but he is getting there. When he got off the bus, he said, “I rode the bus home”. There were his glorious words and he formed his own sentence. I tell him to use his words because he will use a lot of sounds. They aren’t all screams but he gets frustrated when I don’t understand him so I will sometimes fill in both sides of the conversation to help him with words and the structure of sentences. On today’s edition of why correcting Owen is a delicate balance of give and take you will see why the chicken crossed the table. He stuffed half his chicken patty in his mouth piece by piece, really quickly because I told him not to stick the chicken up his nose. He then made more noises, laughing hysterically, taking one piece at a time out of his mouth throwing them around. So how do you patiently explain and or ignore chicken flying around the room. But then there it was the happy connection for the day. I said, “I am so glad” and before I could finish he said, “you happy today”. He realized that glad meant happy. I was going to tell him that I was glad he enjoyed his chicken but his explanation worked better. Find what makes you happy, rejoice in the moment, and know that you are amazing. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
April 2024
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