He captures my heart every time he turns that grin towards me. I think about his sweet little voice that comes out when he tries to ask me for mulk. When I hear the word mulk it quickly makes me think of how far he has come since taking him off dairy and substituting it with almond milk. I wonder where he would be if I hadn't taken him off dairy. I wonder if taking him off gluten is making any changes in his system. They say it takes longer to notice changes with the removal of gluten. When will I know? How does the magic appear?
This past week was a big week. We had three doctor visits. I found out a lot yet still know nothing new. Two of the three appointments led to more doctor appointments. I wonder how many more appointments it will take to know more about my baby's condition. One of the doctors said that they were looking for what was causing the symptoms of autism. In some ways I liked the sound of that. A symptom sounds easy to find a solution for rather than a disease.
Listening to my baby laugh at a person speaking French made me wonder is it the fact that they were speaking French and maybe he understood it or was it the visual from the nursery rhyme that was making him laugh. Sometimes I wonder if I should try talking to him in a foreign language, maybe that would be easier for him to understand.
Today, I wonder if he understands how much I want to help him. I wonder if he even knows that we are different. I know that different doesn't matter because I was born with hemihypertrophy and not many people know what that is or even know I have it but I'm still different. Life is to short to worry about being different but yet now that it is for my own son I would love to hear the word normal come out of a doctor's mouth.
So it is okay to cry, it is okay to rejoice and it is okay to hate autism. Emotions are real and they are raw. As I look down at Owen sleeping in my arms I don't think about the fact that we are different, I think about the fact thattoday he asked me for mulk four times and signed "more" when he was eating his snack and wanted more. Today, I would say we accomplished great things and normal isn't all its cracked up to be.