The dude got into bed with me around five, asking for his teacher, and immediately falling back to sleep. We sleep for almost a couple hours more. I’ll take it for a Saturday. Owen woke happy, got out of bed, asking for “mulk”. Instead of running off like he normally does, he came around the side and got back in bed with me. I said, good morning Owen. He put his hands on my face. I told him that he could say good morning mommy and then I went on to tell him that today was my birthday. He said, “good morning mommy” and immediately broke out into song. “Happy birthday to ewe happy birthday to ewe happy birthday dear frands” and then he quickly thought, singing again “dear Owen happy birthday to ewe”. I thanked him and told him he did an awesome job. He was asking for milk again and started to run off. I told him that he needed to go potty before he got his milk. I always fill up his glass the night before and put it in the refrigerator, hoping to promote more independence. He is now starting to go to the refrigerator and get the milk carton out when his cup is empty. I try to give him tasks that he can accomplish and follow through on his own. Keeping it part of his daily routine and increasing the instructions as we go along. Owen’s ready to start our daily. Bowling and the coffee shop have been the request since I told him today wasn’t a school day. He doesn’t know we are going to breakfast with family. He will be happy, but he will want to leave immediately. Through the clouds the sunshine will come. Let today be your inspiration and go after your dreams. What are you waiting for. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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When someone else’s words determine your feelings move on from that moment, let those emotions go and be strong. Or so, that’s what I keep telling myself today. The walk of a special needs parent can feel very lonely. And then add in the opinions of the world and you must push forward. Every expert has an opinion and from there you have to figure out what is right for your child. You are the one that walks with them daily and holds their hand through life. Owen has grown. Every day I focus on his accomplishments. I struggle, I get sad, I have a thousand questions, but I focus on his accomplishments. I let him know he is doing amazing and I try to be kind to myself. The woulda, coulda, shouldas will get you every tine if you let them. When I picked Owen up today, as I was putting him in the car it was raining. He held out his hand to catch a drop of rain. He said, “it’s raining”. Glorious words and actions on an extremely hard day. He held out his hand to feel the rain, to catch it. To me that was the best example of a connection to earth, to our world, to our surroundings. He held out his hand to catch the falling water. He does it in the bathtub and now he caught it from the sky. His hands, his body, his mind, don’t always work together as one. It takes great effort for him to use his hands. He is learning to use utensils and write. These are hard things for Owen. About a year ago I started painting with Owen doing a hand over hand method so that he could feel the motions, strengthen his hands, and hopefully give him a different type of connection to his body. We are still learning and growing in our art, but Owen asks to paint every day. This is not a one-size fits all world. Be bold, be beautiful, be you. Everyone is unique. Dance under the clouds, rejoice in the sunset, and know that through rain growth will come. Smiles to all and donut daze!
When will the sleep come again, I think. It seems like it has been an eternity since Owen slept through the night. At least last night when he got into bed with me he hardly moved, he didn’t try to pull my hair, or anything. He woke relatively happy, but the screaming, the screaming is intense. He screamed, because I turned the light on. And then within seconds the light was off and he was screaming about going to see his teacher. I told him that mommy needed the light on if he wanted to see his teacher, because we had to see to get ready. My immediate thought after I finished my words was summer is coming. My heart breaks in a million pieces, knowing routine will be disrupted. Oh, how I wish he could go to school year round. He loves school, he thrives in the routine of it all. I got him ready for school and he started screaming again. This is the “I’m the boss” scream, wanting his tablet. There are different tones that I can tell what is happening. Happy screams, meltdown screams, wanting me to give into his demands screams, attention getting screams, you name it screams, but they all sound different. I talked to him about screaming. I explained to him when he should do it and why he shouldn’t do it. And mommy needs a donut. One day at a time. When we were walking to the bus he was excited. He wanted to set the timer on my phone to “one minute timer go offT and den de bus comes”. The bus came around the corner a few minutes later and he lit up. The smile he gives for a ride on the bus takes away the moments of our morning. Keep pushing forward, I tell myself. He has matured in the last week it seems. I know he has gotten taller; pants that fit him last week are now short for him. This journey is ever changing and today is the beginning of our future. Enjoy the ride, sit under the clouds, and set your dreams in motion. Smiles to all and donut daze!
He seeks comfort in me that I cannot find in myself. Last night it didn’t take long for Owen to get in bed with me. It feels like we are back at step one. Hands were in my hair, knee in my back, and me wondering how this happened. Where did all that middle ground go. Why are we back to these things that were happening two years ago. What do I do now. These and many other fine questions are swirling through my mind. How do I know what input to give him to help promote the calm he needs. Bath time seems to be his biggest comfort right now. He has little stacking cups that have holes in them. He wants me to fill them with water and let the water flow on his feet. That seems like the only time he is completely calm. He doesn’t want me to turn the shower on, but it would have the same affect for him. The shower is too daunting to him. My focus is keeping him calm. The minute we get home he asks to take a bath. Doesn’t matter what time of day it is, or what else we are doing, he asks to take a bath. Some days my emotions are very heavy. After I picked Owen up we needed to go to the store, only the drive thru, but we had to go. Every day Owen asks about the drive thru, very few times do we ever go, but we talk about it every day. Today we went. Today he screamed the entire time. Today he was upset because we had to go to the drive thru. Last time we went, no screaming, no crying, no moments of anxiety, for either one of us. He’s still upset and we’ve been home for an hour. The questions surface; how do I make this easy for my baby, what can I do differently. I have to expose him to different things. I have to take him places. But how do I make him understand it’s going to be fine. I wish we could be in a bubble, but my bubble was bursted a long time ago. He’s learning, I’m learning, he’s growing, I’m growing, and together we are a team. Today is a moment in time. Through time we grow, we heal, we become stronger. Tomorrow is a new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I woke. Owen woke. That’s how it seems to go. He’s a very light sleeper. However, noises you might think would wake him don’t and noises that make a mouse seem loud wake him. Plus, I think he can almost sense when I’m awake. I had gotten up to go to the bathroom. I always hope when I do he doesn’t hear me, but I know he will. My hope continues that he doesn’t wake until after I’m done, but as soon as I closed the door I heard his feet running to my bedroom. I waited for the screams, none came. I got back to my room and he was sitting in my bed, calm. My nerves were frayed. He really wasn’t interested in falling back asleep, but eventually he did. He wanted input. I was able to get him back asleep for a few minutes before we had to get ready for school. His teacher let me know he had a great day at school. It’s a potty party everywhere. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Potty training is moving right along. And then this evening, the groceries arrived. I’ve yet to decide if this is a good thing, knowing that it’s a great thing. I ordered the groceries online, setup a time, and then they arrive. The only problem is there’s unexpected people at my house. I tried to prepare Owen early for the knock, but explaining this caused him to go in overdrive. “I’m not going to celebrate Christmas today Christmas is in December”, he says. He moved on after saying that about ten times to “I’m not going to celebrate groceries later”. I sat with him, explaining that we weren’t going anywhere, the groceries were being delivered, and the person would leave. He calmed and then thirty minutes later the knock came. Maybe I shouldn’t have them knock. Maybe I should let them leave the groceries on the porch and let the app tell me they are here. Maybe I should carve out the time to still go to the store; I’ve found the time before. Self proclaimed Queen of Overthinking strikes again. He’s calm now. We have groceries. And in the grand scheme of things, Owen needs to know that people can come to our house and leave. As I say, “don’t put dinner in your toes” I remember to breathe. Owen has made great progress the last few days. I see it, I know it, and I’m excited. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Let yesterday go and rock out your future. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Oh, how I hoped last week was this stand alone week of forwards and backwards motions of emotions; and for it to be gone. I felt like Owen was five again, maybe even four, or three, last week. A thousand different moments of tears and times of anguish and confusion. Then last night happened. Getting into bed with me a little after midnight, right when my own dreams were starting, and Owen starts screaming names of people he wanted to see. At first I thought he was hurt. He was crying and screaming all in the same breath. Me, I was trying to breathe. I tried to hold him, cover him up, do compressions. Anything, anything to soothe him. He was quickly asleep, somehow. Me, not so much. To have words, but not be able to fully express what he needs has to be hard for him. I can only imagine what he goes through, because I know what I go through hearing my baby scream his heart out in the middle of the night. And today he woke up happy. Me, I’m tired, still shaking from the moments I had to be calmed and yelled at. I have to remember he’s not yelling at me, but his world around him. He woke with words, lots and lots of them. I feel like he is changing right before my eyes and that leads to all these moments in time we’ve been having. “Cookies and crackers wanna snack veggie straw you can have veggie straw”, Owen said. He doesn’t eat cookies for me, they are always left on his plate, but there were the words. He calls veggie straws, “cracker” and now when I give him something else besides his beloved cracker, he will try again by asking for “veggie straw”. There’s magic happening. I see it. Owen was telling me we had a couple minutes until we had to go to the bus stop. This means he wants more time with his tablet. He then said, “one minute” and held up his one finger. He watched his finger go up and he said it again, “one minute” showing me his finger. There is more progress in that one moment than I can even express. The thought process for him to go through all of those steps is incredible. I might be exhausted, but I see the value in the rocky road we have been on, because I know that he is growing. Today we walk forward, step over the boulders put in front of us, and rejoice these moments of pure victories. The journey of life is not always easy, but the love is. Great things are coming. Never give up. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Step one, how to get up. The good news Owen slept late, after getting in bed with me. He woke and it was light outside, so I couldn’t exactly use the nighttime excuse. He asked for his milk. I somehow was awake enough to think through this. I told him he needed to go potty first and then he could have milk. First surprise of the day, “let’s go potty wanna go potty”. And off he went. He had a successfully unsuccessful attempt. Just getting there is half the battle to me. Step two, now for me to do all the things I need to do without upsetting Owen. The proper attire must be worn around the house. He squats on the floor, playing his tablet, waiting for me to finish my routine, to see if he approves of the steps I’m doing, and what I look like. One false move and he screams. He wants me to have coffee in hand, sitting on the couch, ready to assist him when he needs me. I switched to hot tea mostly, but he still thinks it’s coffee; we’ll save that information for another day. I’m trying to put last week all behind me. It has to be one of the hardest weeks we’ve had in years. His emotions, my emotions, his growth, his setbacks, all mixed together to make a week of daunting and trying moments. He technically didn’t have setbacks, but there were these moments of pure pain, for both of us. One minute he is trying to wipe himself and the next minute fecal smearing is back. But yesterday is gone, the week is gone, and today is our now, our future. He walked up to me, said, “let’s wipe your nose”, picking out a wipe from the container and handing it to me. To say I was floored is an understatement. I knew my nose was fine, so I said, “let’s wipe your nose” and he let me. He had been picking it earlier and needed help, I suppose. The why isn’t important, but these actions are amazing. Step three, let’s get this day started. After many anxious moments this morning, me going to the bathroom at the wrong time for starters, has now turned calm. As he was sticking his pancakes in his toes, he said, “let’s go to church to see frAndz”. Yes buddy, let’s go. We are off and running. Some days the valleys can feel low, but keeping walking forward, climb the mountains, and shout your victories into the sunset. Remember you can accomplish great things, one step at a time. Smiles to all and donut daze!
So, if one tune doesn’t work, try another one. Owen got into my bed in the middle of the night. He then slept until about five, asking for his teacher. I told him it was our day, but it was nighttime, hoping for more sleep. He laid there for a few more minutes quietly. I think I might have drifted back to sleep. He then said, “wanna mulk”. I tried again, it’s nighttime. He moved on, “wanna potty”. I knew the ploy, but I bit. Yes, go to the potty, I told him. He got up, but ran to the kitchen. I knew his milk cup would be coming out of the refrigerator and he would be getting his tablet. I told him to come back to the bedroom. He said, he wanted to go potty, I wanted to make sure we followed through. I knew technically he had no cares about going to the potty, but for him to mention it was still big steps, even if it was the ploy to get out of bed. I told him to take off his diaper. He said, “time for pee pee and poopoo in de potty” and off he ran. He once again bypassed the bathroom, but this wasn’t my first potty break-for it and not go. I got him in there. Last night we had a potty party. This momma is happy to announce he tried to wipe himself, twice. And it was his choice to try. That is one big great, happy, round of applause, joy. It’s a step and these steps lead to more great things. This week has been emotional and hard, but these victories, his smile, and his “I wuv ewe”, get me through the day. We are having a great morning, as long as I don’t leave his side. Time to get our bowling day started. To the coffee shop we will go soon. And I can’t wait. Find your passion and go after your dreams. Today is your day, seize the moment. Smiles to all and donut daze!
This week has felt different to me, yet exactly the same as a few years ago. My sweet baby O has struggled this week, over everything. He seems to be having a good week though. It’s one of those things that is hard for me to process. How can he have a hard week and a great week at the same time. He had a short burst of tears in the car on our way home. It was only for a few blocks and by the time we got home he was fine. But it hit me hard. His face was red. He was truly upset. And the tears came out of nowhere. This nowhere to me is from somewhere to him. What made him cry, why was he so upset, and how can I help, I wondered. The night went the same way. Short bursts of tears randomly through the night and topped off with crying himself to sleep; I did, too. My heart aches. I don’t know why he was crying. I tried to hold him and he didn’t want me to. He paced, he threw a few things, and slammed some drawers, before he claimed down enough to fall asleep, but it was through his tears that sleep finally came. I try to settle my own mind, but it’s like ocean waves crashing onto shore, every time I think of what he goes through. When I picked up Owen today, I had a dress on. This is hard for Owen. As soon as he saw me, he bent down to the ground, lifting up my dress. “No” is not a command that Owen quickly listens to. I made him stand, holding my dress down. I had to hold his hand, with my own arm outstretched, so he wouldn’t keep reaching for my dress. I got him in the car and we came home, but as soon as I got him out of the car, down to the ground he went again. We got inside and he wanted me to change right away. I did. A dress is not on his recommended attire. As winter ends and summer begins, the transition to short sleeve shirts and shorts will also be difficult for Owen. One step at a time, I’m wearing short sleeve shirts. Soon I’ll try shorts. The unexpected is the expected. The journey is only half the story. Find your motivation and know that your story is important. Smiles to all and donut daze!
It rained, it poured, I wish I was snoring. Owen, and I walked to the bus stop in the rain. It wasn’t raining that hard, but there were puddles everywhere. Owen likes puddles. I kept trying to dodge them as we were walking, he kept trying to find them. He slept better last night, he woke happier, and he woke with a lot of words. When he saw the puddles, he said, “see de water”, and in he went, happily walking right through it. Me, I don’t like wet shoes. I wonder if the same is true for him, or if he even notices. This is where I try not to let my emotions spiral, as I think about it. He seems to like the rain, but not the feel of snow. Maybe it’s too cold for him. I can wonder about a lot of things, or keep pushing forward. The words are coming, I tell myself. He’s making more connections, and learning to express himself more. Yesterday, he stubbed his toe. I rejoiced, and I cried, because the words were there for him to tell me he hurt his toe. “Ohh my toe let momma see let me see did you hurt your toe what’s de matter you ok you ok what’s de matter ouch big hug did you hit your toe let em me see”, he said, and the words continued. My baby, my heart. When he was first learning to interact with me, anytime he would hurt himself, I would quickly access the situation, and then go through dialogue, and actions with him. Did you hurt yourself, I would say. I would tell him he would be fine, and give him a hug. His reaction was then to purposely get down on one knee, say, “did you hurt yourself”, and then come running to me for a hug. This is how he learns most of his actions, and reactions, through constant repetitions of the same steps. When he stubbed his toe, he went through all those steps again, multiple times, coming to me for confirmation that he was fine. I learn, and grow, through the eyes of my son. I’m thankful he has taught me how to see the world in a wonderful new way. Walk in the rain, enjoy the sunshine, and dance in the moonlight. Let your light shine, even on your darkest days. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
April 2024
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