Once upon a time, there was a lot of time, I remember hearing this all the time when I was growing up. Oh, how true this feels now. It seems like I’m always waiting and hurrying up all in the same moment. Owen’s been having some really great days. It feels like he is making huge strides and connections. This morning, however, felt off. He was making noises instead of words. His screams echoed through my heart and I reminded him to use his words. He wasn’t upset or mad, yet the words were not there. He let out little bursts of sounds as we were walking to the bus stop. I tried to encourage more words, singing, and asking questions. No words came. We kept walking. We got to the bus stop and he said, “twinkle”. There was security in that for me and maybe for him as well. I cling to his words, afraid sometimes that he will lose them. I have to remember where we’ve come from and that keeps me pushing forward. A thousand thoughts run through my mind daily, heck hourly, maybe even minutely. I try to stay one step ahead of everything that is going on around me, but feeling like I’m stumbling in the dark, racing downhill at a speed no one should be going, holding an octopus eating pizza. There’s such a joy in seeing my sweet baby O thrive especially on the days I’m struggling to put one foot in front of the other. I have my own little mantra that I repeat over and over, “when in doubt it will work out”, hoping that I listen to my own words. Know this is one moment in time and you are a lot stronger than you think you are. Make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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Rejoicing the overnight success story that I’m not sure is a complete success story but truly was a success. Potty training during the day has been going great, even though there are some places he won’t even attempt to go yet; which adds to my stress of bathrooms in the outside world. The nighttime routine has been training pants but those are still “diaper” to Owen. This confuses him when he goes back and forth from regular underwear to training pants. Along comes an unexpected solution, maybe. I found out that Depends makes a pad. I was able to attach it to his underwear and then I used one of the plastic pairs of underwear. He was dry this morning but there was no confusion about underwear either. I am very optimistic about this. I rejoice these victories. I’m thankful for how far he has come. The last few nights have felt so different for me. Owen has wanted to fall asleep in my arms and I think about the glory in those moments. I remember my momma rocking me to sleep so many nights when I was young and those memories flood back to me when he’s in my arms. Some nights he still struggles in my arms trying to find a moment’s peace but his smile is still there and that inspires me. Life is not always easy for my baby but the love sure is. He is full of energy, love, and a determination that I don’t even know if he completely understands. Through him, I’m learning about the world in a whole new way. Let your smile shine and be inspired for victory. Today is a stepping stone for tomorrow. Success is as much a mindset as it is the victory. Make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
When the waves crash down on me I think about Owen’s smile and it keeps me going. Potty training seems like an overnight success story but there is nothing about it that happened overnight and he isn’t always making it through the night dry. But boy oh boy am I proud of my dude. In the grand scheme of things, it really did happen fast and I’m not even sure how to handle it. He still asks for his diaper every day and it’s confusing when he wears training pants at night. There’s a solution I’m sure that will help us through this and I know we will figure it out. He’s already come so far. I’m daunted by the thought of the restrooms in an uncontrolled environment. It keeps me from going to many places but the truth lies deeper in that statement than I can even process. I want to cry for the glory of how far we have come and cry for how hard it has been. People say to me this gets easier. My reply is it gets different. I try not to get down or frustrated but it’s all emotional. The blessings in the last week have been huge and the miracles in my life keep happening. I’m thankful for this and they have been enough to motivate me in more ways than I can even explain. Sometimes it takes a smile from a stranger or an act of kindness to realize exactly how lucky you are and pull you out of the waters that feel deep. We are not alone in this journey called life even though some days may feel overwhelming. As we were running late to the bus stop, Owen was still happy as can be. He saw the bus coming down the road and he said to me “twinkle”. I immediately started singing it for him, rejoicing the thought process of my boy. He knew that we wouldn’t have time to sing it when we got to the stop. The progress is amazing, the connections are coming quicker, and my boy is blooming. Find your inspiration, smile through the rain, and know you are not alone. Remember to be kind to your soul and cherish the little things. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen slept through the night, getting into bed with me right as the first of many alarms and timers started going off. My words are never so evident as when I hear them crashing back at me in waves and emotions, spoken from my little boy. He said, “your bed” and quickly followed it up with “Owen’s bed”. When he kicks me and will not settle I make him go back to his bed. There are moments in time when even these words feel harsh. I’m trying to teach him manners and expectations when sometimes I don’t even understand them myself. And then how do I keep him calm in the middle of the night or settle him enough for him to go back to sleep. Some nights that’s all I can think through, how to get him back to sleep so I can get the sleep I so desperately crave. I laugh how much I’ve changed over the years. I never wanted to sleep. I wanted to stay up all the time, all day, all night. I really didn’t even need it. Now it’s a different story. He woke happy and wanted “big hugs”. This makes me happy and sad and downright emotional. He wants hugs because his body needs input. We work on compressions of his joints and he always associates the word “hug” with it. There are times though he will come to me to hug and kiss me but I can tell the difference between these times. He also wants to hug me so he can chew on my hair. That seems to have come full circle. He left my hair alone for a while but now he must need that type of input again. All I can do is be thankful he isn’t pulling it anymore. Last night we went through his schedule, as we always do, and he said, “you ha” not even finishing the word “have”, he then waited. I didn’t answer right away so he repeated it. I realized what he said and repeated the words he wanted to hear. “You have to go to sleep first”, I said. I’m not sure how that became part of our routine but it’s here to stay for the moment. Every night as I go to bed, through struggles, through triumphs, and everything in between, I celebrate the joy of Owen. I celebrate him. We choose to dwell or we choose to rejoice in our glory. Find your strength and push forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
According to the weather it’s starting to be time for long sleeves, pants, and coats. According to Owen, no coats are required. Pants are even iffy. The pant leg has to fall on his shoes exactly right. This is for my pants as well. Anyone’s pants for that matter. He fixed a guy’s sock in the coffee shop one day. I caught him before he did the second one and socks are generally his concern. The guy was very nice about it, but how do I even explain to Owen that we don’t fix strangers clothes; he randomly hugs people too. The weather is slowly changing so hopefully that will give us enough time to reintroduce the coat back into his life. He wants me to wear mine but he immediately starts pulling his off as I put it on him. It’s amazing how quickly he can get out of something he doesn’t want on. He will ask about coats even during the summer but now here we are with winter on our heels and he wants nothing to do with them. We have several styles, thickness, colors, and lengths but as soon as I can get it on him it comes off. Luckily he is letting me put long sleeves on him and I successfully got him to wear pants. It’s not always that simple. I’ve tried putting his coat on him at different times as well and that doesn’t make a difference for him. I’m hoping that as it continues to get colder he will see the need for them. I can also see a lot of coat wearing videos in our future. I’m personally not a big coat fan myself, preferring more layers so this may be what we try for Owen. One day at a time, one layer at a time, one coat at a time, we will make it through our days. Learn to think outside the box, dream big, and change your world. Make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Here we are once again at the intersection of internet distress and how to distract Owen. Why, oh why can’t the internet act properly all the time. Or at least when we are home. Okay, so I know the answer to that question but Owen doesn’t. He slept all night, I finally fell asleep late only to wake up a dozen times reliving the last few days. Some days I’m more aware of autism in our lives and what it means. I am constantly having to make sure Owen is aware of his surroundings. He gets distracted easily and when he is on stairs he doesn’t always pay attention to where he is at. I have him count the steps with me and try to explain what’s around him, hoping that will help him become more aware. Owen’s request for church rang out loud and early. As many emotions as I have he holds on to them and I have to remember to keep moving forward and not let them control the situation. Easier said than done. I’ve cried all day. The stress of the past week has caught up to me. Not all the tears I cry are about Owen. Life seems to keep showing up when I least expect it. The woah is me attitude can’t be happening and I gotta suck it up I tell myself. And then I sit and cry. All the experts tell you it’s not good to hold in the emotions. I wonder what the experts say about letting them all out. I truly do not believe I have any more salt left in my body to produce a good tear but then I cry again. So I concentrate on Owen’s smile and how good he is doing. He’s been making huge steps and incredible progress. There’s a beauty in how he sees the world and how everyone plays their role in helping him grow. I’m thankful for where we are today and growing Owen is what we do. Even through rain, the sun will shine. There is beauty in every day if we choose to see it even through the tears that fall. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Seriously if I could get a break from the emotions that would be pleasant. Owen’s really having a great day. He woke up early but very happy. This morning I woke up very early and sad. I took Owen to breakfast and he did absolutely amazing, eating all of his breakfast and asked for more. I sat there and wanted to cry. I took him to Home Depot for their craft day and he walked in the doors like he owned the place. We got a late start so there were lots of kids already working on the project and I wanted to cry. We came home for a little bit because I really haven’t figured out how to do potty training out in the world. It’s beyond overwhelming to me. I need to be prepared for how he will react to public restrooms. The lights, the people, the hand dryers, and everything else I can overthink about. But I have to be prepared. I’m not. And yet here is my little amazing boy growing and thriving and I’m emotional on the sidelines. You wait for the other shoe to drop and for the calm to hit the fan, spiraling out of control. We went to the coffee shop, bowling, and then grandma’s. No accidents. We came home and a lot of running to the bathroom but almost the entire day without an accident, until right before bedtime. I’m still going to count this as a very successful day. Now to figure out how to make overnight potty training success stories happen. He doesn’t make it through the night dry most nights but he gets confused changing between underwear and training pants. Where’s the solution. I know it will come. Today he did amazing. Today I was successfully hard on myself every chance I got. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Learning to be kind to your own soul can be one of the hardest lessons for all of us. Know that you are important and that you matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I have more emotions than I know what to do with today. Cry, scream, and pitch a fit seem to be what Owen wants to do and heck I think I’m right there with him. His tooth has got him in a constant state of anxiousness. I do not know how to get him to stop. When I picked him up from school the car ride home couldn’t go fast enough. Everything I did brought screams from him. I was already having a rough day and lack of sleep does not help. The lights could not change fast enough as his screams got louder. He hadn’t screamed in a few moments and as we went through the “meltdown light” as I call it, the flailing and his earth-shaking screams started as we went through it. I immediately burst into tears. I wanted to scream too. I wanted to get home. I told him to stop screaming, I begged him, and I told him if he didn’t stop screaming at me I would take him tablet away from him when we got home. The screams stopped and I cried harder. At this point, his emotions caught up to my emotions and the switch happened. And my heart broke a little more. He started saying, “hi buddy”, “my sweet boy”, and “hi Owen” repeatedly, all things I say to him. He wanted me to talk to him. My mind, body, and soul were all more emotional than I want to think about. There’s a loneliness in these moments that feel like no one else in the world can even understand, yet I know there are others sitting, crying right now. He’s come such a long way, the progress is amazing, but the days are still jam-packed with emotions. He sat in my arms many times tonight, holding me with all his strength, and repeating “momME” over and over again. For the love of Owen, I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Our days can be hard to explain, but the love is the easy part. His smile lights up my world in the darkest of days. Find your inspiration and motivation and let the world see you shine. Smiles to all and donut daze!
“Monday”, Owen says to me. Sometimes he doesn’t even get the full word out “mon” and waits. If I don’t respond he repeats it. If I don’t respond again he will come closer, say the full word, or I will hear the squeal of concern coming towards me. He’s calm right now listening to about fifteen seconds of ten different videos, moving through them. We’ve rushed to the bathroom multiple times, cutting it close, okay so close is an exaggeration. But heck he’s trying. Tonight is actually better than most nights, he’s at least telling me. Normally I ask him about every five minutes and set a timer. He’s getting good at running to the bathroom. Convincing him he is not a fire hydrant is the next step. “I’m gonna have brand new teff” is also the great concern tonight. He’s got more loose teeth and the ones that are coming in he wants to pull them down into place. I haven’t found a great way to explain teeth to him. We watch videos and he’s been to the dentist for modeling sessions where the dentist goes over steps with him, but he still gets upset about them not being where they need to be. He goes back and forth between calling them teeth and ball. I’m not sure why he started calling his teeth balls but he wants “ball back pwease”. My emotions are very sad tonight, yet I look at my sweet baby O and I rejoice. He’s accomplishing great things and making huge steps every day. I make sure I tell him he’s amazing every day, listing things that he has accomplished. I want him to see his progress with me. I want him to hear my words and know that with his determination he can accomplish anything. Sometimes my heart aches even when my son shines. He’s accomplishments pull me through our days. Be proud of your accomplishments and know that all things are possible through determination and hard work. Make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Last night Owen was requesting songs that he learned at church. He would come running to me, singing only a couple of the words, wanting me to find it with the voice-activated command, and running off with glee. It’s such a delight to see the world through Owen’s eyes. The pure joy from him changed my whole night. For over an hour he had me look up the songs, even though he had them open seconds before. His feet and arms are still such a mystery to him, but he attempts to do the motions he has seen at church with the songs. He didn’t want to give up his tablet last night for bath and bedtime, he wanted to keep playing the songs. He woke up this morning and after turning off “twinkle twinkle” in the hall he immediately found the songs from last night, only to have me search for them a few moments later. My boy was born to worship. He loves going to church and it helps with our routine. There is no greater victory than the victory in Jesus and my boy knows it. Life is not always simple, I’m stressed most of the time, but the one thing I always know is God has a plan. We walked to the bus stop this morning with a song in his heart and a smile in my soul. We waited for the bus, Owen asking for “twinkle twinkle” the tune he doesn’t want in the hall but wants at the bus stop. He wants me to sing it “one more time” as we wait. I asked him to show me one more time by pointing his finger. He held his whole hand up and shook it. That works for me. I’m thankful for his growth and seeing him change right before my eyes. Life can become very overwhelming and daunting but embrace the little things. Let life spark new found adventures and don’t hold back on your dreams. Share your smile with the world and watch what you get back in return. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
April 2024
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