Some days I want to hang the “gone fishing” sign and be done with it. How many emotions can both Owen and I struggle within one day crossed my mind more than once. It was a hard day, a doubly hard day, an indubitably hard day. It seemed like everything was overwhelming to Owen as the night went on. He repeated, “ABC you have to go” wanting me to say, “you have to go to YouTube”. This went on for over an hour. He couldn’t let it go. No matter what I said or didn’t say he was in my face repeating it. I tried rocking him, worked on his breathing techniques, had him count, sang songs to him, for him, with him, and nothing helped. My heart aches when I can’t help move him forward. His feet beat the floor with every passing moment he couldn’t find comfort in our interactions. This video has been gone from an app he liked for probably two years now. I’ve lost track of time but he hasn’t. It’s gone and that’s all that matters to him. He’s stuck on the fact that he can’t open the app and look at the song right there. The tears that couldn’t flow earlier are now soaking my shirt from running down my cheeks. This one video, one video, has caused my sweet baby O so much distress over the last few years. How can something that seems so minuscule in the grand scheme of life be something that is bigger than life to my son. He doesn’t forget a second in time, not one second. This keeps me constantly on edge, guessing when the next emotional outburst will start due to something that happened days, weeks, months, even years ago. I have a hard time remembering yesterday and he holds on to every memory possible. He couldn’t move past the bathroom door either tonight. He needed it to be in a certain spot so he could see his reflection in the knob. This makes it extremely hard to go to the bathroom because the toilet is behind the door. He had to reset the door into its correct space every time I walked into the bathroom. All I can do is breathe. I know his anxiousness is high because his routine has been nothing but routine. Oh to live in a bubble. Tomorrow I’m going to hope he wakes with a calm heart and able to move forward. I want to see his smile bright again tomorrow. Find your motivation and keep moving forward, one day at a time. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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