TANTRUM ALERT: This is a follow up to the "ca" (I believe veggie straws) status. Owen is on second breakfast right now. He already had waffles, applesauce and almond milk (no dairy for Owen). He asked for "mulk" but I gave him water. In three year old tantrum style, the cup comes flying over the gate into the kitchen. With that move successfully ignored by me he went on to stage two of the tantrum. He took one of his big toys and laid it down on its side. Realizing it did not make enough noise he picked it up and dropped it so I could hear it. Again, I successfully ignored this, so phase three began where he laid on the floor, rolling around, saying "ca". I tried to give him more of a breakfast bar type thing and, well, you guessed it, he didn't want it. So the cries for "ca" continued. At this point my guy has water he doesn't want and a breakfast bar he doesn't want, I was interested in how this would play out. As I stayed in the kitchen to start some coffee, I look over at the thrown sippy cup on the floor and pick it up, with that Owen says "mulk peas" and I  promptly get my boy some milk. After I give him the milk he says "ca Mooooor" and I get him some veggie straws. I would say that this was a group effort for second breakfast and I'm quite pleased.
If veggie straws are what will get Owen to ask for things I'm all for it, I bought six bags yesterday. Okay, so that may be a few bags to many but my boy is asking for things and interacting with me to get them. Albeit a little tantrum filled but he is making such progress. Seeing him all big smiles, holding his sippy cup full of mulk and eating his ca, this momma is happy! 

Small steps, big victories and huge milestones!

The mommy meltdown was in full force. I don't really think mine was a tantrum, I think it was a meltdown... So we sat. 
Today, I sat outside of Big Lots with Owen, crying. Me, not him! I knew the crying would start when we got inside the store. Him, not me! Well, maybe this time both of us. 
The feeling of knowing one thing, hoping for another but yet the knowledge is there that as soon as we step foot in the store the same thing is going to happen that has happened every other time we step inside the door. Meltdown, him not me. Mine are in the parking lot. Why am I here? What do I really need? I think, I can come another day. I think, no go in. 
Go in, we did. Owen actually sat in the cart. He doesn't always do this. I thought that's a good start. I thought this might work, we just have to get through the next door and this trip will be on... We entered still no screaming. We turned down the first aisle and the expression of his face changed. I could see it wash over his face. I suppose if I looked at my face I could see it wash over mine too. 
I really did go for a purpose, gluten free things and I was trying to find these blocks to work on a project for Owen. The minute I went down the second aisle I was holding him. He wiggled himself up out of the seat and I knew there was no chance he was sitting back down. I thought ok I'm holding him we've got five minutes we can do this. He screamed, silently I wept. 
Down the last aisle we go, at this point we had been in the store just a few minutes. I'm still amazed at the stares Owen gets, I get, for his outbursts. I rushed thinking if I keep holding him we might be able to keep looking. I saw he was still very agitated so I put a few things in the cart and went to the checkout. 
Luckily a clerk was just opening another lane so we were able to checkout quickly. He actually stood next to me for a minute. I was quite surprised by that. Maybe it is because he could see outside now. The clerk tried to talk to him and he totally ignored her. I stand there going over in my head what to say to her, use your words Lynn, I think. Then I think use your words, what words am I suppose to be using? "He has autism." Why do those words sound foreign to me? Why do they still sound weird coming out of my mouth? Why do I even have to explain? And the answer is I don't but yet I often do. I'm here to promote autism awareness right so I say he has autism. Then that sets in a whole new wave of questions that run through my brain. So I just say thank you and we both walk out the door crying. 
And I think I love this little boy with all my heart, I wish I knew how to take him to the store so it would not be so overwhelming. I take things with us, like his tablet and it still doesn't seem to distract him unless it is at a moment he can be distracted. I think I shouldn't take him to the store but sometimes I just have to or want to try or think it's just something quick. Well todayis done and tomorrow is a new day. I will put on my smile and try again. If I just knew what was best I would do that... 

The struggles of a sensory baby are hard and confusing. Why at night or during happy times or even sad times does my baby have to struggle so?
Owen lays down to go to sleep and he can't stop moving. He can't stop fidgeting. He can't stop... 
I think one more sippy cup will calm him. I think one more firm squeeze will calm him. I think if he would just let me do the leg compressions that would calm him but yet I still see the struggle. 
I often wonder what it is that makes this so hard on him. Why does he move around so much? Why can't his legs just stop? What makes this so hard for him to deal with? I look at my little baby and I wonder if it hurts him or he is confused. I wonder if he even knows that he struggles. I wonder what am I missing that I can't help him stop moving. I wonder what is really going on with him that his body just won't stop. 
Finally as a peace washes over him and the fight in his body leaves I see the calm wash over his face. This journey was often not quick or in my eyes not quick enough to give him peace. 
He fights all the way into sleep. After several minutes of flailing around, often kicking, screaming, hitting he will find a calm and just when I think calm has won he will open his eyes and his little hand comes after my face. He will grab at my hair and eyes and then back off and be calm again. I have heard this from so many parents. And the wonder starts all over again. Why does he do this why does he feel the need to scratch and claw at me? The thought is they are trying to process everything but my thought is I just want to fix everything. I don't want him to suffer. I don't want him to hurt and I don't want him to feel any pain. I just pray he doesn't know this pain. I pray he feels my love and knows that mommy may not understand but will always be by his side.