I sat in church, singing my heart out, and believing in the hallelujahs that I heard all around me. The belief in a better tomorrow is what we should focus on every day. Dwelling on the hard moments only prolongs the hard moments. And as the queen of overthinking, I dwell a lot more than I ever should.

Between the weather, noise, and my body the night felt like it wanted to give me time to overthink. I was thankful Owen didn’t wake up with everything going on. He woke after five just as I was finally feeling like sleep was happening and proclaimed “slep all night.” He was beside me in a flash asking for his tablet. I asked the questions I always ask and he ran off to the bathroom.

He came back in a flash and he asked for his tablet, breakfast, and chocolate milk. I needed a couple more minutes but thankfully he was very calm and he took his tablet back to his bed without much more from me. I needed to wake up a little more before I could get up but coffee was quickly calling my name.

Owen started talking about seeing his friends in August but he only says their names. He doesn’t tell me more information. This is partly because he doesn’t know how to do it and it’s not something he has made a connection to. I asked him to tell me what he liked about one of his friends but I knew that he wouldn’t be able to tell me. I took a few minutes to explain to him what I love about him. I asked him to tell me something about me. Even though I gave him examples of why I loved him it was still something that he couldn’t process. We will continue to work through these moments and I know that he will get it.

Life skills are so important for his growth. He is only twelve but teaching him these skills will help him in everything he does. He is at an age and level where I can talk to him about situations that happened in the past. Before now even talking to him about a behavior that was good or bad in the past had no impact on him. I am thankful for this growth as well and I know it will make a difference as he gets older.

We got ready for church and off we went. I was emotional on the way there because the things we had been working on all seemed to fly out the window as I drove. I have to remind myself that behaviors do not change overnight and that is for me included. I reminded Owen about kindness and grace. It was a good reminder for me as well.

We went to lunch after church with our friends. We had a great time and then we were heading home. We got almost there and he decided he wanted to go fishing. I was so happy he suggested it. He told me that he needed a boat to get the big fish so he sat down on the shore because you only catch little fish that way. We stayed for a little while and then headed home. He wanted to drive by the burger boy statue he loves and then we came home. He asked to go fishing again tomorrow in a big boat so we will see.

Owen had been asking for some toys that he played with when he was little but I got rid of them years ago. A friend from church posted some similar ones and I picked them up from her today. He played with two of them in the car and he couldn’t wait to get home so he could put the alphabet toy on the refrigerator. He played with them off and on throughout the night.

I’m thankful for how calm he has been lately. Even though there have been moments for both of us I know that he has truly come so far. His calmness helps me. I tell him that he is in control of his behaviors and he is amazing. I want him to understand believing in yourself leads to your victories. I have no doubt he will accomplish great things because he has already accomplished so much. Remind yourself that you can accomplish anything if you believe in yourself and the rest will follow. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen slept all night. He woke up, went to the bathroom, and then to the couch. He sat there for at least twenty minutes quietly talking to himself so I didn’t say anything. I was already awake and had been quiet as a mouse getting my coffee.

He started giggling and was telling himself something else but I was not sure what he was talking about. I went to talk to him and he asked about the kids he will see in August. He told me no soccer today just grandma. I asked him if he wanted to skip this week and go next week and he said, “No yoga” so I have pretty much determined he does not want to go to soccer. I will try again next week but last time we went he was done before we even got out of the car.

He had a very calm morning. We laughed and he listened very well. I talked to him about how he handled himself yesterday and explained how we have to work together when we are out someplace. I want him to understand he is allowed to do things he wants but he has to be respectful of others and what they want to do as well. He listened and the more I talk to him about it the more connections are forming.

We got ready and headed off to Grandma’s house. She had put up his new tent in their yard for him to play in. He had fun with it and enjoyed his time there. He thought I came back too early to pick him up but he handled it like a champ.

He did great on the way home until we got to our street. He was so upset because there were cars parked in front of our house and they were having a gathering at a building near us. He kept telling the empty cars to leave and wanted to make sure no one was coming here. He started crying as soon as we turned on our street. It breaks my heart how hard this can be for him sometimes. He hadn’t been this upset in quite some time about the cars but we are now back in this cycle.

I tried to distract him but it’s the crying that gets me. He hasn’t been this severe in a couple of years. I could tell the other day when we came home that he was getting upset by cars again because the neighbor parked in front of our house. He was upset but didn’t cry. For the rest of the night, he would go to the window and then would tell me “They leaving” even though it was an empty car still parked in front of our house.

I can only imagine how he must feel. I distracted him as much as I could and had him sit with me but I still know that he was upset about it. I pray every day for change and for us to find the perfect place for us to move. I know that no matter where we move there will be new experiences and different challenges but I’m hoping to find something much quieter for him.

He is looking forward to church tomorrow and seeing his friends. I’m thankful for his progress and all that he is learning. Each day we keep moving forward. I pray for more understanding and connections for both of us. Let yesterday motivate you, let today be your inspiration, and make tomorrow exactly what you want it to be. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Early is the name of the game. My quiet-as-a-mouse skills are not working right now. I had to go to the bathroom and that woke Owen up. It was only a little after four and he was in a mood.

“Tablet tablet,” he started yelling. I told him it was still very early but he could have his tablet. I went to the kitchen and turned the light on to get him some milk and cereal and my coffee. The screaming from his room started immediately with me turning on the light. He sleeps with a bedside table light on all night long but any other light on in the house sends him into meltdowns unless he is ready to deal with them.

It wasn’t long and he was beside me screaming about the light. I said, “okay” and he immediately said, “pool pool” knowing his behavior would be in question if he kept screaming at me. I told him that we have to work together as a team and no one deserves to be yelled at. I remind him all the time about being kind to one another. I told him that I would turn off the light after I got my coffee. I also told him that we would go to the pool if he stopped yelling at me. I took a minute to breathe with him and then finished getting my coffee.

I am thankful he is making the connections with his behavior but it is still hard and a process for both of us emotionally. One day at a time and lots of breaths. I want him to understand I know this is hard but together we will get through these emotions.

We got ready and we went outside to wait for the bus. The pure joy he shows for the bus makes my heart so happy. It’s hard to believe three weeks have already come and gone. Today is his last day of summer school and then he is waiting for glorious August to come around so he can go back to school and see his friends again.

He came home on a mission and that was to go to the pool with the big slide. We got ready and off we went. Our friends met us there. Owen couldn’t wait to get to the slides and I didn’t blame him but he still needs to listen to directions. This is hard for him and doesn’t always go with what he wants you to do.

He was so ready to get down the slide but he gets “stuck” in the moment and won’t go down. He climbed all the way up the tower and just wanted to be there. He didn’t want to go down the slide right away but people were waiting. Everyone was kind but it was still hard when there were so many people waiting to go on it.

He went on it many times and tried both of them. I tried to get him to go to the deeper pool section but he wouldn’t leave where we were. I tried to explain there were too many people wanting on the slide but that is not a concept he understands. After a few more times I told him we were leaving and he once again started screaming about it. I told him if he continued we would not be able to come back. Thankfully he calmed down and we left. He truly has come so far but I have to make sure he understands listening to the rules are very important.

We got back home and the night was much calmer. He does not want to go to soccer at all tomorrow. I will ask him again in the morning but the last time we went he wanted to leave as soon as we got there and we ended up leaving early. He asked if he could go to yoga instead so I think that might be the answer to what he likes to do most.

Bedtime was met with the same dismissal and he didn’t want to go to bed. I told him that was fine we could stay home tomorrow and he quickly changed his mind. I’m thankful for his growth and I pray for our tomorrow. Each day is a blessing and even through the challenges of the day I saw great victories. Find what inspires you and do great works. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Sleeping all night is not a requirement I suppose but it sure would be nice. Owen heard me get up and I knew there was no going back to sleep at that point so I started my coffee and got his breakfast ready. He was very calm though and happy about going to school.

I went back to sit in my bed and he came to me to get his tablet. He made sure I was staying put and he returned to his bed with his tablet. I heard him in his room laughing. His laugh is always one of my favorite moments of our days. After a while, he came to eat his breakfast. When he was done he came to sit with me and more laughter happened.

I love those mornings when he is so connected to his day. He told me what he was doing and where he was going. He asked me if he could take his robot BeatBo to show his teacher and I told him yes. I made sure he knew that he could show it to her but then he had to put it back in his backpack.

I knew this was a big step for him to take something with him to school. Finding toys he likes is such a wonderful thing. We got ready for school and we went out to wait for the bus. He was so excited about getting on the bus and it wasn’t long before he was off to school.

I let his teacher know that I let him bring his robot with him and explained to her how big of a deal it was. I also wanted her to know that I told him he wasn’t allowed to have it out all day because I knew it would be a distraction. She let me know that he did wonderfully about it and listened when it needed to go back in his bag. I’m thankful it was a good experience for him and shows such growth.

I picked him up for his therapy and they said he had a good day at school. He wanted to drive by the burger boy statue he loves. I drove past the first exit he wanted me to go on so this upset him. I told him we needed to be calm and breathe through the moments. We still had plenty of time to go to it and I was going to the second exit but he had to remain calm. He started saying “pool pool” so I know he was making the connection to his behavior and it helped him become calmer. I was once again thankful for that.

He did great at therapy. I can tell he is starting to express more of his feelings and understands what they mean. I also love how he is using more words to describe what is happening. I am trying to get him to understand that he needs to use more descriptive words so that others will understand what he means like instead of saying “bus” to say “I want to ride the bus tomorrow.” He is doing amazing and I know he will get it.

I got a scam call and Owen started going through all the people it could be and I told him it was a scam. He said, “Hello scam goodbye scam Zack rat hat.” I’m not sure where it all came from but it was funny.

The night was filled with songs and games. He was a bit in sensory overload but was still much calmer as the night went on. I’m so very thankful for all of his growth. Today and always live life to the fullest. Find your motivation and be inspired to find joy in everything you do. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen’s twelve. I have seen so many changes over the last few months since he turned twelve. He feels calmer and like he is making more connections to how the world reacts to him and he reacts to the world. I see it as those life skills moments that are so very important.

He woke up a little after four but I didn’t even attempt to tell him to go back to bed. I did ask him if he went to the bathroom and he replied with his words combined with mine. “Yes, are you sure,” and off he ran to go to the bathroom. He came back moments later to get his tablet.

He went back to his room and I got up to start the day. I knew I wouldn’t fall back asleep so I went ahead and got my coffee going. A pot of coffee gone by six in the morning is pretty much the standard now. He heard me get up and he immediately started yelling “white bed” wanting me to not disturb his fun with his tablet and turn any lights on even though his light is always on in his bedroom.

Eventually, he came to sit with me. His words felt beautiful to me because they weren’t quite as repetitive as most mornings. He was under the blanket on my bed playing on his tablet but occasionally he would pop his head out to talk to me. In the distance, he heard a fire truck and he told me all about it. I sat with tears floating in my eyes and once again they were there as I wrote the words. Years of waiting for him to tell me about his surroundings lead to these moments when he comes up with words to describe exactly what he wants to.

He started talking about my hair and watching videos. He said, “buzz cut” and continued on about getting his haircut. I told him we could get our hair cut together. He said, “No Mommy get a buzz cut.” I asked him if he wanted one and he said no but immediately followed it up with “going to the barber.” I’m going to keep talking to him about it and see if he wants one too. I used to give them to him when he was little.

I told him that his grandma was going to pick him up since I was going to a consultation about my chemotherapy. He was very excited about that. He couldn’t wait to see her. He said, “Mommy has appointment she come get me from grandma.” More connections and more thanks for these moments.

I had my consultation today. It was a lot of information and I know that it will be a long process. I’m not scared. I’m not afraid. I’m not fearful. I know that I will beat this. I have to go through some more tests and then they will place a port for the chemotherapy. The treatments will be every three weeks for at least six sessions. I meet with a care team next week to go over more information. One step in front of the other. Live stronger. Love harder. And grow more.

Owen spent time with his grandma and I know he absolutely loved it. It is good to have him experience new things even if the situation is hard and out of his routine. I’m thankful for all the support and love we get.

Bedtime was met with talk of school and going to the pool on Friday. Plus there was a little bit of him screaming about me knowing the answer but truly I didn’t know which question we were on. I told him I did though and so did he. He has come so far and I know that together we will get through all the challenges we face and it will lead to the greatest of our victories. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Each day is a gift. Let the victories of today be the promise for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Sleep was sporadic at best last night for me but fortunately, Owen slept most of the night but heard me when I got up to go to the bathroom. From his room, he kept saying “slept all night” and then “tablet tablet.” I told him it was still very early. He stayed in his room for about ten more minutes and then came to get his tablet. He said, “Back to bed” and off he ran with his tablet.

I fixed him some cereal and got his milk. He was in a great mood and his singing rang out through the house. He kept running to me to look up videos like he did when he was little. He goes through these circular moments of when he was younger and does exactly the same thing. He mentioned all of the things he wanted to do this week but was very happy he was getting ready for school.

“Chose your brown shoes yes,” he said when he came running to me after he put his shoes on. I won’t let him wear his flip-flop shoes to school because he won’t keep them on his feet but I let him decide what shoes he wants to wear.

I am thankful he has so many pairs he likes now. I remember the days when even trying to find one pair of shoes he would wear was difficult. The kind with laces had him pulling on them constantly trying to even them out. And every other kind was met with different outcomes so I feel very fortunate he has many that he likes.

Off to school, he went and in no time it seemed like he was back. He was in a good mood, waiting for Friday so he could go to the pool. I told him that as long as he continues to behave we will go on Friday. I love that he is realizing he can be rewarded if he behaves or helps with different activities.

He keeps pulling on my hair to make it longer but I feel like he has done great with the change. Tomorrow I am going to the doctor for my consultation on chemotherapy. It was supposed to be in July but they rescheduled it. I am glad to get all of this started and moving forward. I am also going to get another haircut to prepare Owen for the changes that will be happening.

I’m thankful for all the connections he is making and how he is starting to bring up other activities he wants to talk about. Each day we are faced with challenges but through those challenges, our biggest victories will come. Take time for you and make time for others. It will change your life. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen slept all night and was very much ready for his day. We woke around the same time and he came to sit under the blanket with me. He was calm and I was thankful.

He is back to watching many of the videos he watched when he was a toddler and a little older. He asks the YouTube voice activation option to find videos all the time but for some reason with these videos, he wants me to read the titles and then find them for him. It is like we have gone back in time. It seems like this type of thing happens a lot. His mind is brilliant and he works through things that he may not have understood then or needs to process again.

He wanted to wear shorts again. It’s so amazing to me that he is asking for them every day. He put his shoes on the correct feet the first time and was not walking on the backs of them. He did it all by himself and it was our victory for today.

He was excited to go out to wait for the bus. He stood watching for it in one direction like where it comes in the regular school year but it was already coming from the other way. I told him to turn around and his smile became huge. He ran towards me and it wasn’t long he was on the bus and off to school he went, reminding me that he was going to music today.

I went to pick him up and I heard him coming down the hall with the aide. He was telling her that mommy was coming and I was there to pick him up. My heart soars when I hear his words connecting to a moment. We walked out to the car and he told me he couldn’t act up because he wanted to go swimming on Friday. I keep reminding him that he needs to be calm and talk to me about everything hoping to keep those conversations forming.

He did great on the drive to his therapy and his music therapist said he had a great day. That is music to my ears. He sang on the way home and I can tell he is starting to listen to more instructions. He told me again he wasn’t going to act up in the car but when he started to scream at a light I reminded him that his behavior in the car was also what would determine if he went swimming on Friday and he quickly calmed back down.

He didn’t want to go anywhere after his therapy so we came home. He won’t have his vision therapy for a few weeks so we played games and he sang more songs for me in several languages. He kept telling me he needed to behave for the pool. When the timer went off he brought me his tablet. One more victory for us today.

The hardest part is the hardest part. When we accept today and live for tomorrow that is when we will create our greatest victories. The story of yesterday maybe hard to read but your story for tomorrow is no where near done. Every day I tell Owen he is amazing. Believe in yourself and the rest will follow. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Sleep is a dream based in a different reality right now. Ducks, they will never be in a row. Squirrels, they will always be nutty. But bears have the right idea. Hibernate in winter because it will be a long summer.

The great news is Owen woke up happy. He wanted to focus on all his days ahead but I kept asking him to tell me different things about his days. He does not understand how conversations work completely. It is a process he still is learning and I hope that I can help him create his own dialogue.

The morning went quickly. He wanted to go to church but he couldn’t stop asking about his days ahead. I’m trying so hard for him to get the connection that he can’t say one word in almost a question form expecting everyone to respond and to understand. He repeated his teacher’s name but nothing else with it. He then said, “Pool” and expected me to respond again. He knows we are going to the pool on Friday but his excitement is where his references go to.

He did great on the way to church and did get upset that I had to stop for gas. On the way home was a little different story. He had a good time at church but wanted to check with everyone to see if they had gum in their mouths and then did great all the way to the bridge by our house and then he unleashed the hounds. All the behaviors came out but I told him if these happened again there would be no swimming on Friday. I keep hoping the reward system will make a connection to these behaviors. As soon as we were out of the car it was back to a very calm demeanor for him.

On our drive home, he told me he wanted to go to the woods to build a campfire and make s’mores like he does with his grandma. I love that he is thinking about all new activities. He also wanted to stay in a tent.

The afternoon turned to evening with singing and Owen oinking like a pig. He asked Siri to translate lots of words and he laughed as some of the translations came out. I often wondered if it is the actual words that make him laugh, what it makes him think about, or maybe the way he hears the sounds. I’m sure there could be so many other explanations as well.

I was thankful for a good day with only a few rollercoastery moments. He is beyond ready for school tomorrow and I’m sad it is only one more week. Happiness comes from the joy he gives my heart. Hug a little deeper, love a little harder, and breathe a little calmer in God’s grace. Each day is a new day to be motivated the being stronger than the day before. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Early was the name of the game today. We were both awake around four. I was hoping to sleep later but at least we slept that late for a Saturday with lots of emotions going on for both of us.

Owen was on a mission. He wanted to talk about all the things we weren’t doing today. I had explained to him that soccer was canceled because of the heat but he still asked about it and baseball. He said he didn’t want to go to either but wanted to continue to talk about it. He also wanted to go swimming but I told him we couldn’t go swimming if he wanted to spend the day with his grandma. I asked him when we were going and he said Friday. I had told him we would go after he got done with summer school.

I asked him what he wanted for breakfast after he ate his cereal. He kept telling me only cereal until I made my breakfast. He then decided he wanted “sausage dogs” as he calls the sausage wrapped with pancakes. He ate two of them and requested more cereal before we got ready to go to Grandma’s house.

He had been pretty calm all morning but car rides always bring out interesting twists to our day. He wanted to tell me which way to drive so I tried to explain it a different way this time. I told him that he had to tell me the correct directions because telling me the wrong directions would make me have to pull over and we would never get to where we were going. He stopped for the rest of the way there.

He had a great time with his grandma but he was ready for me to get there. It is like he has a timetable he keeps without reading a clock. He asked to go to yoga numerous times but today was not one of our days. He read with his grandma a lot today and I’m so proud of how far he has come.

He was playing with his pop noodle sensory toy and I told him he could play a song with it. He stretches the little tube in and out to get sensory input and relieve his anxiousness. It makes a pretty big noise as he does it and he can make sounds with it depending on how fast he moves it back and forth so I started singing Old MacDonald with him. I showed him how to move it as if it was the tempo and he sang as he was moving the noodle. I want him to know that he can create music in any form and sing with everything to express his emotions. He did amazingly as I knew he would.

Today was a good day with a side of exhaustion and emotions but each day I learn more about what is important and building those connections for our memories. Always remember today is the first day of the rest of your life. Today is the day to start being proud of what you accomplish tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen slept late today. Me not so much. It seems like sleep is no longer my friend. Too much on my mind and too much noise to let it settle. I got up and the quiet as a mouse routine worked well.

I was going to make sure I was a little bit louder about thirty minutes before we needed to get ready so he wouldn’t have some time to settle and wake up but about that time he came around the corner. He first asked about school and then his tablet. One day off throws him completely out of routine.

He wanted to make sure he was seeing his teacher today. I wanted to confirm it for him but I also wanted him to understand he already knew it. I pray the older he gets the connection will finally form. It breaks my heart watching him go through this over and over and not finding peace.

He wanted to wear shorts again and I wore blue pants in favor of him struggling or it being hard for him when he came home. It’s always a guess but the screams are hard for me and on Fridays, I try to keep him calm because the tends to be one of the nights he doesn’t always sleep well.

We went out to wait for the bus and he stood in his spot. I told him that the bus would come around the other corner. He is used to the bus immediately turning the corner for him during the regular school year but for summer it goes around the long way to pick up other kids first. I showed him where to look and he started jumping up and down as soon as he saw it. Off they went and I know he was happy.

When he came home from school he looked to see if I was still wearing my blue pants and then he immediately got off the bus. He started running down the sidewalk to his spot to watch the bus leave. He came back to me. He told me we were going swimming next Friday and immediately walked into the house.

The night was mostly quiet. He asked about soccer and I said do you want to go? He answered with a “no just grandma’s.” I then told him it was canceled tomorrow because of the excessive heat and he said, “No soccer.” He also told me he wanted no dinner but once I made it he ate all of it and more.

Bedtime was not his idea of what he wanted so he told Alexa thirty more minutes. I told him we had this conversation yesterday so he said five minutes. I’m trying to get him to understand boundaries and rules but he keeps breaking them so I think he knows them better than he wants me to think.

I’m thankful for his singing and his laughter. I go in July for my consultation about my chemotherapy. I am ready for the hurry up and wait part to be done but I keep praying and moving forward. It is teaching me to live for the now, let yesterday go, and be brave in the moment. Each day is a gift. Follow your heart and make tomorrow bright. Smiles to all and donut daze!