No sleep was pretty much what I expected but it still doesn’t make it any easier when it happens. Owen woke around two, wanted his tablet, and was not taking the fact that it was the middle of the night into consideration for anything.

I tried to explain that we would not be doing anything today if he didn’t go back to sleep but that just got his screams going so off he ran with his tablet. He would occasionally run back to me and ask me when we were going bowling. The first couple of times my answer was if he didn’t go back to bed we wouldn’t be going bowling. After the third time, I gave up and embraced the fact that we would not be going bowling today. He did not embrace this.

My heart aches for my sweet baby O. It’s summer break and it breaks my heart. One week and he will go to summer school, three weeks and he’ll be done with summer school, and then in August, he’ll be moving up to middle school. These are all moments he wants to talk about constantly. I completely understand that he needs to process it, but the repetitive behaviors are hard when he keeps expecting the same answer in different ways.

He will say the opposite of what he means and then expect me to realize that he is saying the wrong thing so that I will say the right thing but catch me saying the wrong thing. It’s complicated. It’s hard. And it’s exhausting trying to figure out, what to say and when to say it.

Exhaustion spelled out the day. I could tell he was beyond exhausted because of his behaviors. He generally repeats most of his words but he was screaming about them throughout the day. The more I tried to talk to him the more he laughed or yelled and then when I would try to distract him or do something different he would start talking about seeing his grandma tomorrow.

He asked to go bowling several times throughout the day but I could hardly keep my eyes open and he was pretty exhausted himself. He is extremely ready to see his grandma tomorrow and he keeps telling me that I have an appointment so I can’t stay. That is how he processes me not being there.

He was telling me today was the 31st and that it would be June tomorrow. For someone who does not want to look at calendars, he keeps track of all the days so easily but nothing about today went smooth or quickly. I pray he sleeps tonight and tomorrow is a brand new day. His smile is what got me through the day. Find what makes you smile and share it with the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen woke before five and came to me, after going to the bathroom. He was mission man today. Tablet and his last day of school were heavy on his mind. There was no stopping this train at all.

He knew today was his last day of school. Accepting that and knowing it are two different things. He was not ready for his last day of school even though his words told me that he knew what was happening. A new school, a new routine, a new teacher, and everything else new we could think of but I feel like his support team at school gave him all the tools and help they could to prepare him for his future. This is more than I could have asked for. He was as ready as I have ever seen him be for all the changes that were about to happen.

He went through all his clothes choices making sure I knew he wanted to wear a pair of pants. He had talked about khaki shorts but it wasn’t something he wanted to wear. He sure wanted to talk about them though. We settled on blue jeans and a purple shirt. He wanted his yellow shirt but I told him it wasn’t clean. I don’t know when his yellow shirt became so important but he asks to wear it every day. This is not something I want him to have access to every day because then he will think he has to wear it every day. Or so I think that is how it will go. The queen of overthinking will overthink that for a while.

His elevated anxiousness was in full circle as we got ready to wait for the bus. I was thankful that he was at least quiet when he first woke up. He even went back to his bed and kept the volume down on his tablet. He wanted to make sure I knew today was his last day of school. He was also very concerned about summer school and when he was starting it.

Waiting for the bus is always an adventure. He saw the bus coming and he was smiling from ear to ear. He gave me a big hug and he took the dinosaurs he had for his bus people. I am thankful for how amazing they all are with him. He told the bus aide something and I saw them talking about where he was going to sit. I do believe he may have convinced her to let him sit in her seat. Off they went with a very happy sweet baby O.

I picked him up for therapy and the anxiousness was in full swing all the way there. He told me he was going to school tomorrow and that spring was on Saturday. I breathed. It is hard with the repetitive behaviors because I do not want to have them go into meltdown mode. Thankfully we kept talking and he remained as calm as he could be but he still was hyper-focused on what was happening over the next week.

His therapy went well. I love hearing that he can do things he hasn’t been able to do before. This brings me incredible joy and makes my heart sing. Knowing that he is doing so well even though he is emotional about all of it makes me understand how important his progress truly is.

I am thankful for Owen’s smile. On my hardest days, his smile is the key to my happiness. Live today with your heart open wide. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Progress is where tomorrow’s door is wide open. Follow your heart and believe in the miracle yet to come. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Those incredible little freckles and his cute chocolate milk mustache with that adorable smirk are exactly what this momma’s heart needs.

Two days left seemed impossible to believe when we woke up and then I will have a middle schooler. He woke pretty calm compared to yesterday but he was hyper-focused on his tablet and taking it with him to his appointment. He was also extremely focused on riding the bus home.

I was thankful he slept all night but I could tell that he was very elevated and even though he is excited about summer school and then going to middle school everything else is not going to be the routine he needs for the structure he craves.

As much as I feel like he is truly understanding that all of these changes are taking place it is still a lot for him to deal with. I think it is making more sense to him now but it is still very hard for him to not have all his days in place. He loves knowing that he is riding the bus and that he has his routine at school so these days that change is all a process for him.

They had water day at school. I was pretty sure he would not want to participate but I sent his swimsuit with him in case he decided he wanted to. The last couple years it wasn’t something he wanted to do. It is still hard for him to process that he can do water activities at school because school is for school and the pool is for water. His teacher let me know that they showed him everything but when they told him he could go out there for the activities he said no. When he let me go to school with him for his moving up day that was huge for us. I know that one day he will be able to process water day or more activities at school but it is all a process for now.

When he came home from school he knew he was going to his therapy appointment. He was ready to go and he was also ready to misbehave in the car. He is truly trying to figure out how I handle emotions and told me to behave numerous times. He was elevated at his appointment but happy to be there. When we got home he yelled “Sorry Mommy” when he got out of the car and after he said, “We don’t break your hair” but at least they were only words and he didn’t pull my hair.

Hyper was the name of the game today. I can tell he is very anxious about tomorrow being his last day. He is also struggling with the fact that June falls on the weekend. I’m not quite sure why this is an issue but he wants June to be on Friday.

As I sat with him at his appointment I saw the progress he has made and I know that the tomorrows yet to come will be filled with incredible growth. Each day is a journey but together we become stronger through the challenges we face. Be brave in the moment and know that you will succeed. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen woke a little agitated with the day. He slept until almost six. I realized right before he woke up that his Spider-Man tablet had not charged at all for some reason and that is the one he likes to start with. I was also in the bathroom when he woke and not where he thought I should be. These were all moments to cause a big reaction to an already agitated Owen.

Thankfully by the time we got out to wait for the bus, he was much calmer and knew he was riding the bus home. He was in the right pants, only half right shirt because it was orange and white striped and not just orange, and he had his blue shoes on that he had completely flattened the heels but he wasn’t agitated.

He told me he wanted to give everyone a T-rex for their presents for his last day of school. I always ask him what he wants people to have. I feel like that will help him understand why we give people presents and that giving is something you do from your heart. I’m not quite sure what he has in mind to do with them but he is excited about it.

Bowling was not in his deck of cards for the day. He decided that he wanted to go to the train depot but I knew that would just lead to moments because it would cause more meltdowns. I told him we could go by it tomorrow after we went for his sensory therapy. He had gotten off the bus, told me we were staying home, and that he would be on summer break on Friday. He immediately changed and that was that. No more talk of the train depot or bowling. Maybe we will go bowling on Friday.

The night was a rollercoaster of words. He is working through the fact that school will be over on Friday. I suppose I am too. He will be off for a week and then go to summer school for three weeks. He talks a lot about going to his new school in August because he will get to see some of his friends there. This makes me happy.

I’m praying for a great summer and that each day we can continue to make progress. I’m thankful for his growth and all the connections he is making. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Let the world inspire you and know that you can be the change you want to see. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Most of the night is better than only part of the night. Owen woke sometime after four and came looking for his tablet. He knew he was seeing his grandma and after he got his tablet he told me he slept all night so he wouldn’t get to see her.

I was trying to keep redirecting his questions instead of answering them. I want him to think through the process and know that he has the answers. My words matter to him as much as his repetitive words and actions mean to the whole process. The word “ignore” is so hard for me to even use with this because nothing I’m doing is truly ignoring his words or actions but that’s what it has to feel like or be for him to move forward with what he is doing. If he thinks I’m not upset or focusing on his actions and reactions he moves through this all faster. My heart aches for how hard it all is to process for both of us.

We got ready to go and he was pretty calm but saying his words over and over. At least he was calm though and followed my instructions for getting ready. We got in the car and off we went. He was extremely excited his favorite pizza place was getting their sign fixed. I asked him if he wanted to stop to watch but he wanted to get to his grandma’s house.

He stayed with her for a couple of hours and then I went to pick him up. He always wants me to drop him off and not come inside but when I pick him up he wants me to stay a while before we leave. He used to have huge meltdowns anytime I would come inside to stay for any amount of time. Everyone had a place and seeing someone in a different location would cause him to be so upset. I’m thankful for his progress with this even though it still can be very emotional for both of us. When he wanted me to take him to his moving up ceremony at school it was a huge deal for so many reasons. And one of them was because he was fine with me being at his school for more than a couple minutes.

He did everything he could to try to get in trouble on the way home. I would not respond to any of it. This made him upset but he stayed calmer. He pulled my hair in the car when we got to our house and then again as soon as we got out of the car but I still said nothing. We got in the house and I still said nothing. It was the calm victory that he didn’t want but I was not about to give into it. That was the hardest fifteen minutes for me not to react but it worked out and it made for a much calmer evening.

Each day I pray harder for answers and understanding. I tell Owen that we both deserve kindness and grace from each other. I can tell he is learning to process emotions more each day and I see his progress. I always want him to understand that we are a team and learning about this thing called life together.

Bedtime came and he was excited to be going to see all his people tomorrow. He asked me if we could go bowling after school. I told him that we could and it will be interesting if he decides he wants to go when he gets home.

He went through all of his behaviors that he did when we came home. He listed them off one by one and it made me even more aware of how much he remembers his actions but not always what the consequences are from those behaviors. It is the excitement and reactions he wants and makes me rethink everything. There is still more to this because of the other reactions he seeks but once he was done acknowledging them I asked him if there was anything else he wanted to tell me. He said, “Sorry Mommy I love you.” He then hugged me and off to bed, he went.

I’m thankful for his progress and mine. I have to remember to be kind to my own heart. Each day reminds me to never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Learn from yesterday, grow today, and shine tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen slept until almost five and he let me know he was wide awake. He was very focused on all the things that were to fill his days ahead. I told him about starting yoga in a couple of weeks and he kept asking me about that too. I think he will like it.

He was ready to get to church and wanted to make sure he was taking his tablet. But his intense real focus was needed to confirm every few seconds if he was going to grandma’s house tomorrow. My heart aches for these moments that he can’t let go. Not answering him causes him even more anxiety and answering him causes him to ask different questions relating to the same thing. And the cycle never ends even if he is distracted or redirected. Plus, it’s exhausting trying to figure out how to do all the things that don’t work and being screamed at all day with questions about the exact same thing.

He asks the question in a way that it can be sometimes wrong as well. He will say he isn’t doing something so I have to correct him but if I agree with his wrong statement or continue to answer in another way that elevates him into a whole other ballgame. Every doctor, therapist, and advisor says the same thing so we go to one more. And one more after that. One day I know someone will figure it out or we will stumble on the right combination of something to help him move forward.

On the way to church, I talked to him about directions what north, south, east, and west meant. I asked him if he knew where different cities were. He said he wanted to move to the farm and have zoo animals. He told me he wanted an elephant, T Rex, and a little pig. He then told me he wanted a yoga studio with a big mat at his blue house. He also wants a tall building but I’m not quite sure why.

He did great at church but I couldn’t convince him to go anywhere afterwards. When we came home he continued his almost chant-like request of wanting to know if he was going to see his grandma tomorrow. I am not sure how many times I can confirm and ignore this question without having to answer it or deal with it. I don’t even know how to handle it sometimes. My heart breaks how upset he gets about it all. My mom even messaged him reminding him that she would see him tomorrow since he didn’t want to talk to her on the phone.

My heart aches on days like this where no matter how many times I distract him without answering him he will not rest. I am praying that yoga will help ease his mind and help him center his thoughts. His physical therapist has introduced him to several yoga moves and even showed me one today.

I know he is getting anxious about school being out so I’m praying for a calm week ahead. I’m thankful for his laughter and the songs he sung for me today. Let yesterday’s story inspires tomorrow’s success. Be the change you want in the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Sleep happened for both of us. I woke around four to go to the bathroom and Owen didn’t wake up. This in itself was a big deal and then we slept until after six. He didn’t get his tablet first but instead went to the couch. His first words were “Sleep upper all night.” It was like he was trying to figure out how to say he slept all night long. Then he said, “I wanna go to grandma’s house.” He then told me “In a little bit.” So my little planner had planned his day all before my coffee was poured.

I got a frog in my throat and told Owen. He doesn’t understand expressions like that. I asked Jim if he knew what it meant to see if he would even acknowledge me but he didn’t try to answer. I explained that it was how I sounded and what was happening when I talked. He ran and played.

He told me he wanted to go see his grandma on Monday and that I needed to ask her. I walked him through all the steps of what he could do instead. I asked him if he was going to see her today and he said, “Yes.” I told him that I knew he loves spending time with her so of course he wants to go see you on Monday but he needs to enjoy today first, trying to get him to focus on the day. I then told him that since he was seeing her today he had to ask her if she had plans for Monday and if he could come over. He said he would ask her. He then said the words so maybe that will help him with future events.

We got ready and got in the car. As I drove he told me he was going to “act up.” I told him that he didn’t need to and if he did, we would go straight home. He always feels like he needs those actions and reactions as we are going places. Thankfully, he didn’t continue down that pathway and we got to his grandma’s house.

He had a lot of fun there and she told me that he was very well-behaved. Music to my ears. o
On the way home he once again told me he was going to act up. I told him if he acted up he would not get to take his tablet to church tomorrow. I once again went over the rules as we were driving. Thankfully, he did well the entire way home.

He was pretty calm for the rest of the evening, except for the words that he continued to say over and over again, wanting responses every time he would finish. It’s hard to hear him go through these moments when there is nothing that I can do for him.

He told me he didn’t want any of his dinner, but as soon as I put it in front of him, it was gone. He’s ready for “church church church” and the rest of the week ahead. I’m thankful for the good day even with the few rollercoaster moments we had today. He’s making incredible progress and I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings. Never give up hope for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Some days start very early. Today was one of those days. I was in and out of sleep until after one in the morning. It didn’t seem like I was asleep for long and here comes Owen. I tried to explain to him that it was the middle of the night but the screams echoed through the house.

“Tablet tablet,” he said demanding it without any care for the words I was saying. I knew there was nothing I could do but I still told him to go back to bed. He at least walked to his room and then came back almost immediately. The second time I sent him off with his tablet if he went back to bed, he went back to bed, but his tablet was very loud. Who needs sleep anyway?

We got dressed and headed outside to wait for the bus. He was talking a lot about his day ahead and he wanted to know who was going to be at school. He talked about the bus and he stood there to wait. The bus came around the corner and the smile washed across his face. he got on the bus and he went to sit down. He kept trying to decide where he was going to sit, and then he sat with the aide. Off he went to his big day at school.

The minute he got off the bus I saw his school tablet in his hand, and I immediately wanted to cry. Having his school tablet at home is a constant up-and-down battle. As soon as he walked in the door, he wanted the password for one of his apps. I tried to explain to him that I didn’t have the password, but it just upset him more. He thinks that I can do anything on the tablets even though I don’t always have the answer.

After twenty minutes of having a meltdown, I was able to get the information I needed from his teacher. Once I was able to get his tablet working thankfully he calmed down. He played with the app and then he finally ate his snack.

When we got off the bus, we realized they had fixed the pizza sign that he wanted to see. I asked him if you wanted to go get a pizza but he said no. He immediately came inside and changed his clothes. I believe he was more concerned about his school tablet than going anywhere.

He asked repeatedly if he was going to go to his grandma‘s house tomorrow. I told him that he had to sleep tonight to go and no yelling. He continued to ask all night long. I didn’t want to elevate the situation because any type of conflict would keep him up all night again. I’m hoping that I can work with him on more relaxation techniques and that will help this process.

I tried to keep him calm for the rest of the evening, but the words continued to tumble, continued to repeat what his Saturday plans would be. I pray he sleeps all night and we can do all our activities for the weekend. Through the challenges we face wind up with the sweetest victories. Even though some days are hard, I hold onto those moments when I know progress has been made inspired by the world around you and be the change. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Another successful sleep night. Owen was much calmer this morning. There seems to be a little less of the repetitive word thing happening. It’s in the tiniest of ways but I’m thankful for it. I actually slept last night too. It’s probably the first night I slept almost the whole night through in a long time.

He didn’t have much time to play on his tablet since he slept so late but I’m all for the sleeping thing. He wasn’t impressed with the color choices of my clothes but we worked through it. He however put his shoes on the right feet but he was still walking on the back of them.

He started talking about the wrong bus driver for tomorrow but thankfully when I talked to him about what was happening over the next few days he stopped. We went to wait for the bus and he talked about where his bus stop used to be. I have to remind myself of how far he has come and the bus stop alone reminds me of this.

He continues to talk about getting a buzz cut. When he was little I gave them to him numerous times because haircuts were so hard for him and still are. I’m not quite sure how he would handle one now but he stands in front of the mirror and pulls his hair upwards away from his face. He said, “Buzz buzz” and then “No hair.” When I asked him if he wanted all his hair gone he told me no. We will see but for now, it is regular cuts here and there.

I picked him up from school and the repetitive words fell back into place like they were reporting for duty. He wants to talk about certain subjects and that’s that. And it is especially the answers he knows already. One day maybe I will be able to figure out why he needs me to confirm wrong answers.

He was excited to get to therapy but felt a little more hyper than he had been. I’m thankful for the progress he is making and how his therapists all work with him. It’s wonderful to hear and see all the changes he is making. When he was little the doctors made no promises of progress but I always told Owen he could do anything if he sets his mind to it and he is doing amazing things.

He did great at therapy. Much progress is being made. His physical therapist said she was going to work with him on how to hop because he is so good at jumping now but he can’t figure out how the one leg thing works. I think it is part of the crossbody experience with him though. All three sessions were great today though. He wanted no food until we got home and then listed all the places he wanted to go so I told him maybe tomorrow or Saturday.

Finding the answers is what I look for. I don’t know if they will ever be there but I know I will keep looking for them. When I think over yesteryear I know that what matters is that we got to the victories together. Life is full of challenges but it makes those victories so much sweeter. Live for the victory and don’t let the challenge influence your happiness. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Sleep, happiness, bus, people, and all his days ahead made for one excited sweet baby O. I’m glad he is processing school better and that sleep has found us again even if it is for a couple of days.

He got up, went to the bathroom, and came to get his tablet. He was very calm again talking to me about everything even though he still had an anxiousness about his words. Under his blanket, he went. I figure I might as well call it his blanket because he has pretty much taken it over.

He was not as happy with his pant choice this morning but I want to continue to mix them up. As much as I wish he could always wear the exact same pants he wants I need him to keep moving forward with it. It is hard to find all of the same styles and color of jeans as he grows and I don’t want it to be something that causes him to have meltdowns if something happens to one of his pairs. Plus I have to overthink it all.

Once we got outside the color of his pants quickly moved from his mind and he was excited to watch for the bus. He couldn’t wait to go to school and see his people. The bus turned the corner and he got on the bus. He stood talking for a moment to the bus driver and the aide. I always wondered what he will say to them or do once he gets on the bus.

He came home and I thought I might convince him to go do something but he was not convinced about that and quickly changed. I was so proud of how he handled yesterday I wasn’t going to make him go anywhere today if he didn’t want to and we were supposed to have storms so I was glad we stayed home.

He knew his regular bus driver wasn’t going to drop him off on Friday but he went through the whole thing telling me that he would and wanted me to confirm it. I told him that he knew who was bringing him home and he had to accept it. He then started saying the name of the other bus driver that would bring him home. That felt maybe like progress.

The eating machine was in full motion once again and it didn’t stop until bedtime. I love seeing him with such a great appetite. He was still pretty calm but he was not interested in listening to any of my instructions. Some days go like that. I’m thankful for his progress and his calmer attitude. Victories are won through challenges we accept and conquer. Life is what you make it so let’s make it grand. Smiles to all and donut daze!