Some days I pray for the outcome of the day before I even get out of bed. Saturdays are one of those rollercoastery days that I pray a lot about. Mostly I pray that Owen sleeps but there are so many other layers to that as well.
It was a Friday night success story though because he slept until after five. I’ll take it. I asked him if he wanted to go to breakfast with his grandma and he said, “No grandma’s house.” He kept saying he was ready to take his tablet and “Mommy go bye-bye.” I asked him again later about breakfast and it was still a big no but I expected it. I still want him to understand we have options though and the more we talk about it the more he will comprehend it. Some days it is hard for him to process leaving our house even though he wants to go. We finally got to the point where we could get ready. He reminded me he wanted to bring his tablet with him and we went out the door with him reciting something in Arabic and asking Siri for another phrase. He had a great time with his grandma. When he was ready to leave he told her that I was going to get a pizza and bring it there. Once I got there he told me we were going to the “big park.” I love, love, love that he is requesting to go to the park now. I love that he requests anything but for years when I would take him to the park he didn’t want to play on anything or understand how to play on the equipment. I didn’t even realize he had to be taught how to have fun and use all the equipment. Plus some of the equipment was beyond his skill level but it never dawned on me that I would have to teach him how to play. But I guess that is true with everything about life. It is a constant lesson for everything we do. He had so much fun. We had been to this park to ride bikes but not to play on the equipment. He got a little attitude on the way home. He started yelling and trying to pull my hair because we weren’t going down every single street he wanted to. He wouldn’t get out of the car once we got home. When he finally did there were more behaviors but when we came inside he said, “You need a hug sorry Mommy I love you Mom you ok Mommy you understand me sorry Mommy.” He kept working through it. He then took a bath to get the park off him. The whole park. He laid down everywhere. He had run from place to place saying “We at recess outside time to play everyone climb climb climb.” He was full of so much information and questions as the night went on. He requested me to look up “fat bear week newspaper article.” I’m not sure where this very specific request came from and my mom didn’t know either. He was also talking about Curious George pouring glue on himself. I’m hiding all the glue I can find. This is one lesson I hope Curious George does not teach him. I think back to seeing him climb on all the equipment today and I’m not only thankful for his growth but he is building a great confidence in himself and he will continue to move mountains. We are the only ones that keep ourselves from moving those mountains. Make it happen. Smiles to all and donut daze!

It seems like I wasn’t asleep very long at all last night. So much on my mind but my sweet baby O slept all night and he was happy it was Friday. I think he was ready for a routine week ahead. I’m glad Owen is sleeping better during the week. The up-and-down nights are so hard on me. I got my coffee and he wasn’t far behind me. He wanted to sit under my blanket with his tablet. He got upset when I had to go to the bathroom but I told him I would be right back. He was very calm after that and then we got up to get ready. He wanted some cereal and chocolate milk before he finished getting ready. I can tell he is growing again. He asked to wear “blue pants” and I said do you remember what they are called and he answered, “jeans.” I am working on words, phrases, and sentences with him. I’m hoping by referencing them as jeans instead of blue pants he will make more of a connection to what he prefers. When he references them as blue pants it is hard for people to understand that he wants them in jeans. Plus, I want him to understand that people get to make choices in their own clothing. When we were brushing his teeth, his shirt got a little wet. No matter what the situation is he always says “Get the hairdryer.” It doesn’t have to be when something is wet. It can be anything that is broken or needs to be fixed. He also thinks a screwdriver will fix anything. We went outside to wait for the bus and I asked him to look at the moon but he was more focused on finding mud. He was excited when the bus got there and he told me that he would ride the bus home. I think he wants to repeat it so that the schedule is clear for him and to make sure I know we’re not going anywhere when he gets home. He’s working through all the emotions that he has dealing with routine and what can be out of routine. When he got home from school, he was happy it was the weekend and he immediately asked about seeing grandma tomorrow. I confirmed with him that he would see Grandma tomorrow and that we could go to breakfast before he went to her house if he wanted to. He said, “Mommy go bye-bye.” I said I would tomorrow. He took his shoes off and I acted like I was going to tickle his feet. He was laughing and kept putting his feet up to be tickled. I let him go to the bathroom and fixed his snack. I didn’t want to say too much more about his Saturday because I didn’t want him to get anxious thinking he wasn’t going to see his grandma. I talked to him about sleeping all night, but I tried not to emphasize it. He wanted to take a bath before it was bathtime, but he convinced me because he took all his clothes off. He wanted to break his bath toy but he said, “Don’t break it.” There are so many things he is trying to learn about. It feels like the missed the stages when he was a toddler are starting to interest him now. The rest of the night was pretty quiet. We painted together and then it was off to bedtime. I pray he sleeps all night and the weekend is his dream come true. His laughter soothes my soul and I’m thankful. Find what makes your heart happy. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen slept all night and woke up pretty excited but hyper about his day ahead. Thursday is his favorite day of the week so that anxious energy was very evident when he woke up this morning. Thursdays always seem busy to me. And today was no exception. He sat with me on the “white bed” while I drank my coffee and talked about his day. He loves the routine of his therapy day. He was ready for the bus and going to school but he was especially ready for therapy. Sometimes I think it is more about the anticipation of therapy than it is about therapy. He loves his therapy but he loves the routine of it and the learning. We went outside to wait for the bus. He was ready for rain more or less the mud. He kept talking about the mud. He wanted to sit in the mud but since there was no rain he sat on the concrete and acted like it was mud. He was very excited when he saw the bus turn the corner and off they went. When I went to pick him up his teacher said he had a full day and a full belly. He had a much better day. She also told me that he is getting so much stronger. She said that when he was at PE he rode the tricycle. The PE teacher was testing his strength by stepping on the back bar of the tricycle and he was able to take her around the room. I could tell he was getting physically stronger. I’m hoping that we can figure out how to use his strength and translate it into his fine motor skills. He still doesn’t have a lot of strength in his hands to do activities like writing or coloring. When we left his school we went to our church park. He had so much fun on their playground and he rode his bike with his Spider-Man mask under his helmet. He wanted the mud back I could tell. He kept sitting down on the ground like he was splashing the water. After that, he went to therapy. I let him to go in without me. I always want to change it up for him because he can quickly associate one way with routine. When we left there I drove him by a couple of the statues he likes and found on Google Earth. We went to get some “chicken figure it out” and then went home. That’s what he calls chick-fil-A. The rest of the night went quickly. I’m trying to get him to understand that when you wash your hands they actually both have to be wet. We go over different techniques to wash his hands but so far he only wants to get part of his one hand wet unless I help him. It’s interesting to me how he loves baths but hates washing his hands. I’m sure this is sensory-related and may also be associated with his fine motor skills. He was out as soon as he finally gathered all his blankets from around the house and put them in his bed. Here’s to a happy Friday and hopefully the return of his routine. I’m thankful for his progress and his smile. Find your strength and share your story. Someone will gather their own strength from the words you share. Smiles to all and donut daze!

We both slept pretty good last night. I would have to say Owen slept better than me but I at least slept through most of the night. When he woke up I could tell he was working through going to grandma’s house again. We got dressed and we both wore shorts. He told me that he wanted to wear “blue pants” after he got dressed. I told him he could wear blue jeans tomorrow if he wanted to. I am always trying to reference them as “blue jeans” now so that he understands that technically there is a difference. He said, “blue jeans” and walked off. This felt like progress though. When we went out to wait for the bus he said, “Ride bus school ride bus home then black tablet.” This was a reference to the tablet he uses at his grandma’s house. I asked him if he wanted to do something after school and he said, “Grandma.” I asked him if he wanted to go see his grandma and he said, “Mommy go bye-bye.” He kept going on about getting a pizza and also getting breakfast. He had all the words but I had no expectations because I knew this was all hard for him. When he goes to his grandma’s house he wants time with her so he always says “Mommy go bye-bye.” I think that is part of what he is processing because he knows if we go out to dinner I don’t necessarily leave so he doesn’t have time to play. I think he is trying to figure it out but it’s the ripple effect that keeps each of these emotions moving forward. This morning he was back to Spider-Man for his Halloween costume. I think I need to find him a new one since his last year is too small. I thought today was going to be the day to go to Grandma’s when he got off that bus. I wasn’t expecting it but thought maybe it would happen. He got off the bus and said, “Dinner with grandma.” He went back and forth about going to Bob Evans, IHOP, or getting a pizza. We came inside and he was still happy about going. He went to the bathroom and off his shorts came. That was that. He wanted his snack and me to put a dress on. Once I did he talked about seeing you on Saturday. Our friend is going to help us try to work through these moments when it is hard for him to leave. He told me today he didn’t have to go to the doctor so I’m thinking he is also working through appointments. I almost insisted we stopped on Saturday but I also thought it was good to just keep moving forward. He was sitting with me watching Halloween videos talking about the channel he watches Mickey at his grandma’s house. I often wonder if I should get cable so he can have that channel. I keep wondering if it would help or cause him to be more anxious. The rest of the night was pretty quiet except for his bathroom adventures and lots of food. Each day is a gift. It’s a lot for him to process but he will get there. Be thankful for all the possibilities. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen slept late and was ready to get to school. As we were getting ready to go wait for the bus I asked him what he would like to do after school. He said, “Get pizza and chicken.” I said, “Where should we get the pizza?” He said, “Gino’s drive-thru.” This alone was progress for him to keep making these suggestions and to work through all the steps to get a pizza and take it to his grandma. He was very anxious while we were waiting for the bus. He kept saying, “Ride bus school ride bus home.” He wants me to acknowledge it and say, “You know the answer.” Saying the exact words he wants me to say just keeps us in circles. It takes all my energy to refocus him on something else only for him to come right back to it. It’s also extremely hard to train your brain to not constantly answer the wrong thing or even the right thing. And each response brings on another set of responses that would need to be made. The bus came and off he went. I kept telling myself to still be happy about the progress no matter what happened when he came home from school. He has been wearing a safety harness for years now because when he was younger he wouldn’t always sit in his seat. The decision was made so he no longer has to wear it. When he came home I watched him wait until the bus came to a complete stop, then he got up and walked to get off the bus. That was such a huge step. It is more steps towards his independence. He watched the bus leave and he immediately said, “Stay home no pizza” and wanted me in a dress. When we walked inside I thought we might be able to go through the process and he might decide to go. He had it on his mind as soon as he got off that bus he wasn’t going and he stuck with that but I could see him trying to work through it. He is processing it all. He kept telling me his grandma was too busy so we couldn’t go until next week. I know it is all about his routine and doing this would throw that off. He kept processing it all night and telling me he was going to “ride bus school ride bus home.” I kept thinking about telling him he was going to an appointment and then taking him to his grandma’s house but I don’t want him to get the idea that I’m tricking him when he really does have an appointment. I asked him when he wants to go to her house and he told me next week so we will keep trying but the progress is there. I’m going to talk to his teacher about maybe randomly picking him up from school and trying it that way. The entire night he wanted to make sure we weren’t going. I can only imagine what he is going through if someplace he loves to go is a hard thing for him to process going to on random days. I truly thought we were through the bathroom adventures but here we are again facing them almost every day. I can’t convince him to stay out of the toilet and he runs in there every time I go in the opposite direction. At least there shouldn’t be any more bubble baths in the toilet. That’s the emotional journey for me. Like splashing in the rain it all takes time to process something different and we will both learn, love, and grow. Be the inspiration and watch your world change. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Winning Monday. Thankfully Owen slept. Me not so much but that happens a lot. As soon as he woke up he started telling me that he wouldn’t see his music therapist today and he was riding the bus home. I got my coffee and he was hot on my trail to the “white bed” so he could get under the blanket. He told me again about his day ahead and then it wasn’t long before it was time to get ready. He wanted me to wear shorts and he told me he wanted to wear “blue pants.” I said you can call them “blue jeans” hoping that he would start seeing them differently. I helped him get his pants on and when he sat down to put his socks and shoes on we both realized the knee had a hole in them with strings. This could have been meltdown worthy but he mentioned it and moved on. I put other jeans in his bag in case he got upset at school. When we went outside to wait for the bus we rehearsed what he could say to his teacher since he would be riding the bus home. I like to give him ideas of conversation starters so that it builds his confidence when he is trying to explain his needs or emotions. He was happy when he saw the bus and he also reminded me he was going to see his doctor after school for his vision therapy. When he came home from school he was in a good mood and ready for his next adventure with his vision therapy. He ate several helpings of snacks and we were off to his appointment. We got in the car and he said, “ride bus school ride bus home then pizza and grandma’s black tablet.” I asked him where we had to go to get the pizza and he said, “Gino’s drive-thru.” I thought even if we don’t do it tomorrow what incredible progress this is. He sat playing his Minnie’s Food Truck app that shows a farm and talking about the farm we had visited over the weekend. All the connections are incredible. He did well in his therapy. I can tell he is really needing more sensory input from all the reactions he was having at therapy so I think he is growing. He was able to do all the exercises again but there are some he struggles with unless she does them with him. He talked again about coming home tomorrow from school and getting a pizza to take to his grandma but he added that he wanted chicken this time. I’m not going to push his decision tomorrow. I will ask him about it depending on what he says when he gets home but I feel like the progress is what’s more important and I don’t want to push too much too quickly. On the way to his appointment, we were talking about months. He said, “it’s September.” Then when we got there he said next month was October. I asked what happens in October. He said Halloween. I asked him what he wanted to be and he said a “ghost.” I said I thought you wanted to be Spider-Man and he said, “not today.” We will see what tomorrow brings for dinner and his Halloween costume. Each day is a gift and I’m thankful for his growth. Always remember you are stronger than you think you are. You can do it. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I know how much routine means to my sweet baby O and last night proved it. Owen woke at two asking about all his days ahead. Not seeing his grandma yesterday threw him off. He realized when we got home from the farm he wasn’t going to see her. He was the one that kept telling me he wanted to come home to take a bath but as the night went on I could see the impact it made on him. I told him that we could take a pizza to his grandma on Tuesday or Wednesday. He woke up talking about Tuesday but was also concerned about the other days as well. He wanted to remind me that he doesn’t see his music therapist tomorrow. She made sure to tell him when we left last week that he wasn’t going to see her for two weeks. Telling him is a good thing but the ripple effect of days forward can be hard. I know with so many things it is the right thing to do though, unless it’s not. That’s when the overthinking comes into play. I tried to get him to go back to sleep at two and three and four and five and even at six I didn’t give up hope but no more sleep was to be had. One of the hardest parts yesterday was he thought he was going to see his “Uncle Wichard’s house.” I think it was the long, windy drive to the farm that maybe reminded him of going to North Carolina or maybe it was something else. He randomly brings up my brother and it’s all a part of the emotional journey. He hadn’t mentioned much about the day and then he randomly said “farm.” He started watching Mickey and Donald on the farm on his tablet. I think as overwhelmed as he was yesterday he also had an incredible time. He is constantly taking both his tablets and won’t leave one to charge. This is my lesson to learn, not his. If they are in his reach he is going to get them both. He knows they need to be charged but from there, it’s a hard concept. He gets upset when they are not charged but until I can make him understand this is something I have to rectify and help him through. Sometimes the mental exhaustion alone is hard. When I need to open a drawer in the kitchen I am constantly wondering if me opening the drawer at the wrong time is going to cause the next meltdown. It’s not like walking on hummingbird eggshells it’s more like walking on ostrich eggshells. I try my best to create a calm environment while helping him learn through situations that cause different behaviors and emotions. He is ready for tomorrow and focusing on the fact that he isn’t seeing his music therapist tomorrow. We worked on phrases he could say to his teacher so she would know to send him on the bus home. I will send her a message in the morning so that she knows what he is trying to tell her. We work together on ways for him to be able to communicate with her about things like this helping to promote more independence for himself. It is amazing how much he remembers and is starting to explain his emotions. He realized again before bed that he didn’t go to church today and that he missed seeing his grandma. He was thinking through the days ahead and taking his grandma a pizza. He’s not so sure about pizza because now he is saying dinner first then grandma’s car. He is also trying to figure out how he can go to church. I’m hoping these do not cause him to wake up in the middle of the night again. He’s come an incredibly long way. He was trying to spell “Curious George phone” and he spelled it “fone” but that’s amazing and beautiful and brilliant. This is the little boy doctors told me might not talk. Not only can he talk but he can spell and he can speak many languages. He’s currently asking Siri how to say numerous things in German. Sometimes miracles don’t happen overnight but they happen exactly as they should. Wait until you see your miracle. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I keep telling myself to hold onto the good stuff and let the crankiness and worry wash away. Today was beyond emotional, beyond beyond. But it was a good day. Owen woke early. There really was no surprise there. How do I ever decide on rules or when to associate time with him if time never is something he truly learns? I know he probably understands time better than I can even imagine but a clock and when we do things are not always the same. He was excited to be going to the farm. He had been to this farm before with school many years ago but it has changed some since then. They have lots of kid friendly activities but Owen doesn’t always understand when others get to have turns. We always talk about this but when you are a kid or an adult you want all the turns. Before we left he had a few behavior issues and I told him that he needed to listen to mommy if we were going to go. He stood screaming at me and I put all of the stuff down that I was putting in our bags. I see the connections he is making. He said, “don’t yell at mommy sorry mommy do you understand me.” My heart swelled with emotions. He is making those connections, finding words that fit together, and trying to express his emotions for the situation. It’s a lot for him to process. As the day wore on he apologized a couple more times to me for yelling and other behaviors. Some of his words and actions I can tell were from school interactions and some from his therapy but all mixed with his words. He keeps talking about the pumpkins and it being Halloween. I asked him what he wanted to be and he said Spider-Man. I said you can be something else like Mickey or Goofy he said, “nah Spider-Man.” So I’m not sure if Spider-Man is the way to go because then can he only be Spider-Man since that’s what he was last year or let him be who he wants to be. Time will tell if he changes his mind. There were so many activities at the farm. He did really well but it was overstimulating for him and he was ready to go within a couple hours. We stayed a little bit longer and he got to ride on a couple wagons. I think the most fun he had was riding the tricycles they had out for the kids of all ages. He also loved the huge dried corn bin. They had a slide on it and he loved that. He told me when we left that he wasn’t going to grandma’s house but the whole way home he kept talking about it. He said that she was busy so he couldn’t go. Technically he could have gone for a little while but he said that he wanted to go home and take a bath. And that’s exactly what he did. I also made him help clean up all the water he splashed from the bath because he has to learn why I tell him he can’t soak the whole bathroom. Next bathroom will have an enclosed tub so he can splash away. I’m thankful he enjoyed himself and seeing him light up when he accomplishes anything makes me happy. There were so many little rocky moments but I’m trying to remember the good stuff. That is what I keep telling myself. Even though I’ve seen him ride his bike so many times it was a thrill to see him ride the big tricycle with such confidence. Every step towards independence, confidence, and decision making is a good day in my book. I told him I was proud of him and I thanked him for apologizing to me and giving me kindness and grace. Respect is the goal for all. Be kind to the person that isn’t smiling because you never know the mile they walked to find their shoes. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen woke up at three because he wanted the bus to take him to "school then home then grandma's then church." He even said we could get a pizza today but you know how that goes. He told me to brush his teeth before I even told him it was time to get ready. This is leading towards independence which always makes me happy but little did I know by the end of the day how much independence this dude would take on. He was so happy for his Friday. He was in a good mood and very interactive with me. I think he is growing again and needs more sensory input. He is constantly wanting me to tickle his feet. I need to get him some new texture mats. He loves the way they feel when he walks and lays on them. When he came home from school he was happy and ready for what he thought his day was going to be like tomorrow. I’m never quite sure when, or how, or if I should tell him that we are doing something different. I started saying something about seeing his friend tomorrow but then he got the idea we were going to the pool so I let that go for a bit. He likes bubbles again and that self-directing independent play. I was fixing his snack and he went into the bathroom. I went to get my cup to make some more hot tea and I heard this noise. He had dropped the toilet brush after pouring soap all over the floor and around the toilet. The container was almost full. He also used all of his bubble bath. I scooped out all the water I could from the toilet so there wouldn’t be as many bubbles and much to his disappointment I foiled the plan for him to take a bath in the toilet. He was putting his clothes in the laundry as I got there. It was all over everything. I asked him what he wanted and he said to take a bath in the toilet and make bubbles. I thought we were over the bath in the toilet phase. I love that he is showing independence but it also means momma gotta up her game. I finally told him about tomorrow. We are going to a farm. It has animals, rides, and all types of activities. He was very excited and wanted to see the tractor. I should have thought about how much he loves peekaboo barn right now and then it probably would have been something I told him sooner but I’ll leave that to the overthinking department. Depending on how the day goes he may still get to spend some time with his grandma but they have an event to go to in the evening. “Going to see a tractor and goats pig and pet the iguana,” said the happy farm goer. I’m not quite sure we will see an iguana but we can find one of those on another day. Owen didn’t hesitate to go to bed when I explained he had to go to sleep so we could go tomorrow. I told him I understood if he woke up in the middle of the night but he has to go back to sleep. I’m praying for a good night's sleep. I’m thankful for independence but not quite prepared for all that means but we sure will get there. We are not made to understand everything, but we are given the option to give grace when we don’t. Every day, tell yourself to prepare for greatness. Positive words and positive actions equal a positive life. You can do it. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Somewhat of a quiet night but Owen decided before he went to bed he was going to sleep on the couch. Truly I wouldn’t care except for all the rolling around he does. At some point before midnight, he brought all his blankets from his bed to the couch and there he was when I got up to go to the bathroom. When I went to the bathroom he woke up but thankfully went back to sleep after he looked at me like “See I’m on the couch.” He wasn’t there when I went to bed but he was determined to sleep there. He woke at about 4:30 to start his day. He told me he slept on the couch. He was very proud of it, as he should be. I told him yes he sure did. He’s randomly been asking off and on for a few months. The only reason I had said no was his rolling but he sufficiently took care of that with all the blankets and put more on the floor. He was also concerned about his “booboo it’s a cut” he said. He wanted a bandaid but then kept taking it off. He told me he would get one at school. He no longer has to wear the safety harness and can use the regular belt so he asked about it. I told him he didn’t have to wear it anymore and he said, “Take it to school.” I made sure it was in his backpack but he is officially moving up. He wore shorts because I offered him actual blue pants and shorts. He chose the shorts and said, “Blue pants tomorrow” but I would be surprised if he did. He wanted his jacket and we were out the door. He was very ready for me to pick him up for therapy. He wanted to make sure I knew it before he got on the bus. Then when he got on the bus he said, “Mommy can go” asking me to get on the bus with him. He keeps asking for snow. That's going to be interesting. Maybe this year he will want to play in it like the rain. His teacher said he had a rougher morning but after the first few things, he was having a much better day. I wore shorts this morning and blue jeans to pick him up. He would not stop asking me about them. I need to not wear them for a while. He did great with his speech therapist and wanted to read some new books with her. Then he was with his occupational therapist. We both thought he would go into the same room he was in last time but he wanted to go in her other room. He took the slide that was in this room and put it on top of their really tall crash pad. He wanted to put it right on the edge and kept telling us to sit down because he didn’t want us to stop his fun. But we stopped his fun. He has come a very long way. His therapist was also impressed with how he self-directs some of his exercises now. We didn’t know why he wanted in this room but we quickly learned he had a plan. I moved some of them off the floor this morning and he about lost it. It was quite the adventure after therapy. I let him decide where he wanted to go. It helped him but also elevated him. I’m never sure which way to go with that. We didn’t get a pizza because I don’t want him to think we do that every week. I convince him to put all the blankets back on his bed and so far he is asleep in his bed. I’m thankful for his incredible progress and I even got him to ride his bike today. Life is incredible. We just have to focus on the good stuff. Smiles to all and donut daze!