If you are happy and you know it wake after six. Clearly, we are on a sleeping streak and I’ll take it. And the wake-up attitude was much better for both of us today. We may have even been in agreement about the lights being out but Owen was a little more focused on it. He was much calmer but he was needing input. He came to me and then sat beside me, pushing his elbows into my gut. Next, he was pushing his head hard into my head. When he does things like this I know he needs input. It’s been a while since I’ve done joint compressions for him because he stopped wanting them but I thought I would try them again. He liked it for his hands but he didn’t want his elbows done so I thought I would try more another day. He was singing a Spanish song and I asked him what he was singing. He said, “a song.” Learning can be harder for him. With him, he has to see something, and then he decides in less than one second if it’s for him. I have to encourage him to keep trying things and change the way I think to help him through the process of learning. It can take weeks, months, or even years for him to be able to learn a skill. He kept downloading the same game on his tablet so that he could see the character holding an ice cream cone that the ice cream had fallen off and then he would immediately delete the app. He screamed that it took so long to download it again but he kept deleting it. It’s hard to explain actions and reactions to him. “Daytime nighttime,” he said. He went on to talk about each. If it is dark he says it is nighttime so he turns the lights off and tells me it is nighttime. We got ready for church and we compromised on what we were wearing. He told me yesterday he was going to wear camo pants and I would wear blue with a pink shirt. He instead wanted to wear khaki pants so I still wore my blue pants but a different shirt. He always says, “sit on the other side” when he goes under certain stoplights and he leans to the left. Then when we go to our church we have to curve to get on the main road. He says, “don’t hit your head” as we go, and leans to the right towards the window. It’s always an adventure in the car. When we left the church it was raining. One of our friends walked with us to our car since it was raining so I could have an umbrella. Owen gets very upset if I get wet. He wanted his chicken nuggets and cheeseburger and then we headed home. Then the rain got my pants as soon as we got out of the car. He was visibly shaken and in a meltdown before we could even get in the front door. He immediately ran to get his towel to dry me off. It took him several hours to get back to a calm state. I can’t stop the rain and I can’t stop the tears that fall when thinking about how hard this is for him. I always pray I don’t get wet when we go places. I told him that he was brilliant and then I asked him if he knew what brilliant meant. He said, “frog” and then I told him what brilliant meant. He replied, “frogs swim in the water.” He wanted to wear his Spider-Man costume when he got home. I think it was helping with the input. I’m thinking my little Spider-Man is in competition with Superman because he requested costume changes left and right as the night went on. I think we might need more Spider-Man outfits. He was watching elevator reviews and he said, “I’m an elevator kid.” Then he was playing a game on his tablet and he wanted to buy points. I hit cancel and the message popped up that the charge was canceled. I said, “no change” instead of no charge by accident and he said, “no charge.” I think his reading skills are greatly increasing. There was more laughter than there were tears and I’m thankful for all his words and actions. Don’t stop dreaming, write your goals out, and know that your dreams can come true. Smiles to all and donut daze!

To say today was interesting might be the most interesting understatement possible. Maybe overwhelming is a better word, for both of us. Everything that could have been something was something. Owen woke around six but went right to his tablet. The screaming started immediately. He ran to me as the screams rocked the house. His finger was clamped between his teeth when he handed me his tablet. It had completed an update but it wanted me to confirm all the options. This was enough to send him into his first meltdown. It was a complex mix of moments because as soon as I handed him his tablet he was happy, this after me telling him to go to the bathroom while I fixed the tablet and him screaming “no panda’s happy.” All the words and actions blend together in our world and me trying to keep up sometimes is like always knowing I’m going to be a step behind but trying to figure out how to get ten steps ahead. When he ran to play he turned on the tv which led to the second meltdown, no internet. Technically there was internet but it was so slow it kept sputtering and would stop every second. Thankfully, I was able to reset the modem and router and the internet was going again. He was happy until I turned on the lights. There are only so many things you can do without the lights and getting coffee is not one of them. I suppose technically I could but it’s easier if I can actually see my cup. “No milk today” was shouted from the other room and I told him I would only get him milk when he was ready. I didn’t even attempt to turn my bedroom light on because I could see where this was going. Yet with all of these moments, he was laughing and interacting with me. Once I got my coffee and sat down he turned the lights off in the kitchen and crawled into bed with me to have me not play his game. He likes to ask me to play a game on his tablet and then as soon as I make a move that he does not like he is off with tablet in hand and then he will be right back in my room wanting me to play again. And that was about the first thirty minutes of our day. I got Owen ready to go to grandma’s house. He was happy but he was also very concerned about his day and what I was wearing. When we got to grandma’s house it took him several times to go in and out of the house and then to me, hugging me, fixing my pants, making sure my shoes were covered by my pants, and telling me goodbye before I could actually leave. He needed a lot of sensory input and confirmation of his emotions. He stayed with his grandma for several hours. I had asked him before we left our house if he wanted to go ride the elevators before or after seeing his grandma, he chose after. So as soon as I got there to pick him up he asked about going to the elevators. I didn’t really want to go because of how on edge he felt but I love that he wanted to go so we went. His mood from earlier carried to the elevators. He told a lady to wear blue pants. She handled it well. He said, “wear blue pants tomorrow.” She said, “I will.” She went on to say she wore blue pants yesterday. She was very nice about everything and told us to have a good day. I told him that he can’t tell everyone to wear blue pants because some people can’t wear blue pants or don’t like them. He said, “why not blue pants” so there you go. When he was with his grandma I cleaned. This is never easy because everything has a place even if I don’t know that it has a place. Within seconds of walking in our door, he was in overload and ran from one part of the house to the next. This is why cleaning is hard, this is why having extra objects in my house is hard, and this is why I’m trying to declutter our world. I try to breathe. Moving one object might be fine if it’s not an object he wants in a particular spot and this object may not even be something I think is on his radar. Two chairs were swapped in location and this caused problems, the blanket he likes was folded instead of crumpled on the couch, his vacuum was moved, and the list goes on. He got the things back in the places he needed and moved on to the next room. The rest of the evening went fast and he requested multiple dinners. His laughter is what keeps me going and his singing is joy to my soul. God is my rock and all I do some days is pray. I always say I roar at God, begging him for strength and mercy. And what I try to remember is his plan is greater than mine. That’s the hard part, the waiting. Believe in the miracle yet to happen and the rewards will be outstanding. Smiles to all and donut daze!

He hugged me. I thought Owen was up earlier but it was almost six when he walked into my room, without his tablet, and he hugged me. I woke before five, thinking I heard him with his tablet but I must have been dreaming. I was happy when he hugged me. Very few mornings does he come to me first now. I have to say that I am happier he isn’t coming to me at two in the morning as much anymore and we are both sleeping better. I’m hoping this continues. I told him we were going to read in a few minutes and he didn’t reply. Sometimes he doesn’t know he is supposed to reply or that I need a reply so he won’t say anything, other times he doesn’t know what to say. I said, “are you ready to read” and he didn’t say anything so I said, “you say yes ma’am.” He immediately said, “no ma’am” clearly understanding the opposite words and actions this time that he often struggles with. This is where it can quickly change for him because he didn’t want to read but he was emotional about it. Some days I push it because he needs to work with me and we need to work on his skills but other days it would not be beneficial to push him because he would not be able to handle it. The fine line is not always distinguishable and I don’t always pick up or understand all the cues he has given me. I had a meeting to go to today so he was going to see his grandma. I hadn’t told him yet because I didn’t want it affecting his sleep. In a whirlwind of a few minutes, the roofers came to fix a spot on my roof and I told Owen about his day to distract him. I knew it would only take a couple of minutes for them to fix the roof but I also needed him to remain calm. He heard the noise and said, “it’s the blender.” I’m not sure how the roof noise became a blender sound but he then says, “no smoothie today.” I told him that he would be going to grandma’s house at this point hoping he would not keep thinking about the noise. He knew today was Friday and he generally goes to see grandma on Saturdays. As soon as I told him he was going to see his grandma he said, “uncle wichard.” I burst into tears. He doesn’t forget a thing and the last time we were with her on a Friday was when we drove to North Carolina to work on my brother’s estate. My heart aches that Owen won’t get to see his uncle anymore. My heart aches for all of us. He did pretty good about getting ready to go to grandma’s house but it still took him a while to go through all the motions. He had a great time with grandma. He said he wanted to go ride the elevators but when we got in the car he wanted to go home. I told him we could go in the morning before he went to grandma’s house. Sometimes we have to do things in a very specific order and I didn’t want to push it today. He was very interactive with me and we played several games. He wanted to wear his Spider-Man costume and he played his ukulele. He was singing in a new language today I didn’t recognize so it will cool to figure it out. Bath time and bedtime went smoothly and I hope tonight he sleeps well. I like this trend. I’m thankful once again for the progress he’s made. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!

“Mix,” Owen said when I was making my breakfast. It still shocks me sometimes when he comes up with the words to explain what I’m doing or to describe emotions, feelings, or actions. He woke well after six and I sure was thankful. He’s been sleeping much better lately. He wanted to go “ride the elevators” but as much as I want him to go places I do not want him to think every day we are going to go to the mall to ride on the elevators. It’s all part of how much I let the rules and routine take over what we do. I love that he wants to go again but I’m worried about the days we can’t go or if we set in motion that we only go on certain days. It can tumble quickly into a routine that is hard to change. Plus, today was “therapy day therapy day” so he still had something to look forward to. He was in a good mood this morning. He had a great attitude and appetite. Screaming at the top of his lungs “panda is happy” was the highlight of his morning. He came running around the corner and started right in on the screaming. He waited until he could see me and he let the first yell out. I’m used to him screaming but this was a whole new level that I had not heard before. I’m sure my reaction was priceless to him because he immediately started laughing hysterically and did it again. I said, “volume” and he laughed again running into the other room. I thought he was done but to quote Owen “nopedy nope” and he screamed it again. Then the lights got him. “Sleep tight nighty night George,” he said over and over again as he turned my bedroom light off and on. I wonder if I should change anything in my house to keep him from doing these things. It can go months when he doesn’t care about the lights and then he can sit and turn them off and on twenty times in a row or scream because I want to have the lights on. Or when that rare occasion happens and he wants the lights. I laughed when the electric company sent me a message projecting that I will have a higher electric bill next month based on the different usage from last year. There are studies on turning the lights on and off versus leaving them on all day. Maybe we can become a study house for the electric company. He knew we weren’t going to the elevators but he kept telling me, “do not put your fingers in the elevator.” Every time the elevator doors would close he would point to them and tell me this yesterday. I’m sure I’ve said it to him and I bet he’s watched a video on elevator reviews where they have said something similar. He did great at therapy today but I didn’t get him the requested chicken nuggets and cheeseburger on the way home because I don’t want him thinking every time we go out he will get it. I need to take him to a drive-thru and get him seafood so he understands he doesn’t always have to request chicken nuggets and a cheeseburger. He kept asking for his Spider-Man outfit. I had washed it but it wasn’t dry. I let him wear the hood though which kind of made him happy but he wanted the whole outfit. I told him he could wear it tomorrow. It will be interesting to see if he wants to wear it to grandma’s house. He doesn’t know he is going yet because hopefully, he will still sleep through the night that way. He was happy the rest of the night and hopefully, he will wake up in another great mood. It felt like a full day of robots, puzzles, Spider-Man, languages, and food. Be kind to your heart and find your inspiration to make your dreams come true. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen woke after five wanting to go “ride the elevator.” I told him we couldn’t go yet and he said, “in five minutes.” I said it wouldn’t be open that quickly so he said, “in ten minutes.” My eyes weren’t really open at this point but I was excited he was excited. It’s been a long time since he has wanted to do any of the activities he loved. I can tell he is processing everything. I can only imagine how summer feels to him. I try to explain to him that he will see his teacher again but if he is struggling with the timing of a few hours to go ride in the elevators at the mall I can only imagine how long another month must seem to him. He immediately started playing with his alphabet puzzle this morning. He loves it. He keeps talking about the numbers version that he saw in the video he showed me and is also wanting more alphabet puzzles. When he wants something it’s a glorious thing to me because I have waited for this, wanted this for him. One of the hardest emotions for me was not being able to know what he wanted or how he felt. His words didn’t always connect with what he needed or wanted and there were very few toys that he liked. Plus, I wanted him to be able to tell me when he wasn’t feeling great or he needed his toenails trimmed, and any other emotions he wanted to share. After second breakfast and first lunch, it was finally time to “ride the elevator.” This time I told him he needed to wear different pants. I would wear blue pants but he had to wear a different color if he wanted to go. Stretching the rules do not always go over well but I have to try. I know that Owen could, might, probably will scream at me, someone else, have a meltdown, or not want to go once we are ready to go. I breathe. He’s learning to communicate and this is how he learns but you don’t always meet others that understand or will tolerate a child yelling at them or wanting to sit in their lap when you walk into a doctor’s office waiting room. I had him put his socks and shoes on again but before he put his socks on he said, “toenail string cut.” He wanted me to cut his toenail before he put his socks on. He used to refer to his toes and sometimes his fingers as “birthday candle.” I’m not sure how that connection was made but I was thankful that he called his toes “birthday candle” because then I knew when there was a problem with them. We got to the mall and he was “happy Owen’s happy.” We rode the elevators several times and walked into a few of the stores. We were on the elevator with several people. Some understood when he yelled out “blue pants” to just talk about their pants and move on and others didn’t even acknowledge someone was talking to them. I get it. I asked him if he wanted chicken before we left the mall and he said, “no” but as soon as we got to the car he said, “chicken nuggets and a cheeseburger please.” I knew that was coming. Second lunch it was. “Panda’s happy,” he screamed multiple times at the top of his lungs as he was playing his game. He then laughed hysterically, knowing that the panda wasn’t happy at all. When we got home it was raining. He was already concerned I was going to get wet before I even got out of the car. One more reason I need a garage, I thought. Ready, set, run to the house. I don’t know why I can’t remember that he’s going to get upset about the rain but I put it out of my thoughts. At least this time he didn’t go into a complete meltdown. We got inside and he ran to the bathroom to get his towel to dry me off. It’s an emotional journey for both of us. The rest of the night went fast and we had a lot of fun playing with his puzzle and robots. He wanted me to find them in Spanish, Russian, French, German, and Arabic. His laugh makes my heart full and I’m thankful for his progress. Always remember one step forward is one step forward. Give yourself credit for your accomplishments no matter how big or small. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I prayed today would not be a day the electricity would go out. Scratch that. We had the possibility of storms coming through. Today I prayed that the internet would not go out. Owen woke around six and to say there was a mood in the air might be an understatement. He did not want the lights on and he let me know it. He wanted me to sit and anytime I started to do something he let me know that this did not meet his approval. He sat with me numerous times and was very calm but he put his rules in motion. He read from his tablet screen, sounding out the words as he went along. If I said I needed to get up or go to the bathroom he stated, “no bathroom today.” I had told him yesterday that we could go someplace today. I think he was still processing it. I asked him as the morning went on if he wanted to go see the airplanes or ride the elevators. He said, “no.” He then started asking me about the elevators. I told him we could go but then when I said let’s go he once again said, “no.” I told him we could go after the groceries got here and he said, “no” but he kept asking. I didn’t bring it back up. Sometimes we get in circles and it’s hard for me to get back into the right order with him. He hasn’t wanted to do anything in a very long time so this felt huge but I didn’t want to push him either. We ate lunch and he started talking about it again. I told him that I would take him but he had to get himself dressed. A couple of hours passed and he didn’t mention it. I am always torn on how to handle activities for him because if he doesn’t want to go it isn’t going to go well. He started talking about the elevator and what he was going to do this week. I told him we could go any day he wanted but he had to make the choice to go. He started saying it every few minutes so I told him he knew what he needed to do if he wanted to leave the house. I went on to tell him he needed to get dressed. He wanted me to get dressed and I told him I would after he did. I wasn’t going to go through all the motions if he screamed and told me he wasn’t going. I made him go get his pants and socks since he already had a shirt on. He brought them back and said, “you need help you can do it” and tried to hand me the pants. I said, no that he could do it. He screamed, he threw a fit, he yelled, he handed me the pants, socks, and shoes but I stuck with it. A lot of times I give in because we are under a time constraint but today we could leave anytime. It’s hard when he is trying to get me to do all the steps for him when I know he can do it. I told him again that he had to do it. I reiterated that I would be there to help him but he was amazing and he could do it. He still can’t use snaps or button his pants but he does know how to use a zipper. I had to keep telling myself to stay strong but it’s truly hard. He doesn’t always pay attention to how he gets dressed like trying to put his leg in from the ankle direction of the pant leg instead of at the waist. Once he got his pants on it took him about thirty minutes to put his socks on. These are a struggle for him but he can do them too. He used to wear socks that had pulls on the sides but he outgrew them. He has a hard time stretching socks out correctly and his fine motor skills do not alone him to always do the motions but he needs to build his muscles. Once he got his socks on his toes he would pull them right off and then scream he needed help but like I told him that’s half the battle to get them on his toes. I showed him where to pull again, locking his hands with mine and I still had him do it but I guided his socks in the right direction. His shoes were the next battle but these he really can do quickly and on his own, if he is not throwing a fit or in a meltdown. He yelled, “hold the tongue” and then squished it down several times but he did it. Once he was dressed he was ready, calm, and told me, “mommy wears blue pants.” By now my nerves were frazzled but I got dressed. Teaching him independence is hard but important and I have to keep pushing forward. He forgets quickly when he was so upset about his clothes but then he was ready to go do one of his favorite things, riding the elevator. We used to go all the time but time changed, rules changed, something changed. He was excited because he also got to ride in the “little red wagon.” We went to the mall where they have a glass elevator. Not only did he get to ride one elevator but their parking garage has one too. We rode up and down numerous times and walked around for about an hour. It felt great to hear him say, “one more time this is the last time push the one.” He likes to tell me what floor he wants to go to and loves looking out the glass windows. We started walking back to the car and the words flowed from him. He talked about going to the airport, riding the elevators again, riding his bicycle, not going to the bowling alley which means maybe he will want to go again soon, and seeing his teacher. My heart sang out with joy from all the progress. When we left for the elevators I saw we had gotten a package but I wanted to wait until we got home to show him otherwise we wouldn’t have gotten to the elevators. I showed him the box and started opening it right away. He said, “that’s my present.” I love the connections. I waited years for him to even remotely understand a gift or wanting a toy. There is pure joy in being able to give your child something they want. Tears float in my eyes thinking about it. I opened the package and he couldn’t wait. He said, “put it right here” patting the kitchen table. He started running through the house. He came back to it and I could tell he was about to do his puzzle review voice and share what he learned from his therapist and watching the videos he found to show me the puzzle he wanted. He ate his dinner talking about going to the elevators tomorrow. He said he wanted to see the planes and work on his puzzle. All of these moments felt like victories and progress. The day started off hard and ended with grace and goodness. It was hard waiting for him to put his clothes on when I know I could have done it but I need him to know he can do it. When he went to bed I made sure I told him that he was amazing and I reminded him of all his accomplishments. There is so much hope for tomorrow. Today was a stepping stone for all the things life keeps throwing at us. Never give up on the hope of tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I had a stern talking to my bladder but it didn’t listen. We had to get up. I knew it would wake Owen when I went to the bathroom but there was nothing I could do about it. At least it was after five. I was glad he slept better and we both seemed to wake up in a pretty good mood. Or at least I was trying to keep a smile on my face. “Elephant,” Owen yelled out when I asked him to go to the bathroom before he got his tablet. I’m not sure when “elephant” became the go-to word but that’s his random reply to everything. We had to take his glasses to get fixed, well technically replaced. I told him we were going this morning and he was thrilled. He immediately informed me of what I was wearing and then he said, “Owen wear blue pants.” It’s always interesting to me that when he is talking about what he is wearing he always uses his name but other times he will use the word “I” to refer to what he is doing. I think because he is still learning sentence structure he doesn’t always know how to reference himself. When I asked him what he wanted for breakfast he said, “elephant.” We ate breakfast and then we were off to get his glasses fixed. He let me put his black sneakers on him that have laces. I was trying to gauge his tolerance for the day before I attempted to put them on him. Even though he requested “black shoelace sneakers” he only wants to wear his blue velcro sneakers. Once we got there it only took a few minutes because they already had the frames to switch the lenses into. I think they ordered a couple of extra backups since he already broke them before. He got so excited when his eye doctor walked out of her office. He was happy to see her even though he did tell her and half the staff they should go home because they weren’t in blue pants. When we left I thought we might go on a walk in his little red wagon to see the planes at the airport and ride the elevator but when I got ready to turn towards the airport he screamed, “no airplanes today” even though he told me to turn so we came home. It’s hard for me to push this when he is very adamant about it. He made it without a meltdown for anything and even kept his sneakers on. When we got home I started talking about places we could go to tomorrow. I brought it up throughout the day. He told me “someplace different” when I asked where he’d like to go. Then I said we could go anywhere and he said, “looks in your nose ride the elevator.” He refers to “looks in your” when he is talking about his doctors. He will say, “looks in your ears” referring to his pediatrician, and “looks in your mouth count your teeth” when he is talking about his dentist so I’m not sure who he meant was going to look in his nose. “Stairs,” he stated and continued on, “climb” pointing to the stairs he couldn’t see through the wall. He has been watching a Spider-Man video where the character does tricks and one of them is jumping over the railing of the stairs. He keeps wanting to go to the basement so he can go on the stairs. I told him no and I have the door blocked. He wouldn’t be able to jump over the rail but he doesn’t need to even think about going on the stairs for now. He was pretty calm all day but he said he did not want to talk about his teacher, however, he talked about not wanting to talk about his teacher. He kept telling me her name and saying he wasn’t talking about it. I know it has to be hard on him to not know when he will see her again even though we talk about him seeing her in August that is a concept that is hard for him to comprehend. He ate his dinner listening to the alphabet in English and singing it in another language. Bedtime came quickly and he fell asleep telling me “elephant” and “go for a ride” so maybe tomorrow is our day. Progress is any action that keeps you moving forward. I look at Owen’s progress and I am inspired. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Four o’clock in the morning was our ready, set, go time. I was not ready, nothing was set, and I sure didn’t want to go anywhere. Exhaustion wins the day. Owen was happy most of the day. There were still a few challenges though. There are things all over the house, everywhere, but for some reason, besides blankets and pillows, he does not want anything on my bed. I do not know when this rule started and I do not know why he is concerned about my bed but here we are. It makes me wonder already knowing how many things have been thrown off my bed in the last couple of days. I don’t even think about putting something on my bed until I see the laundry being thrown on the floor or the plate I carried in my bedroom and then put on the bed so I could pick the laundry up off the floor to only see the plate I sat down on the floor before I could finish picking up the laundry. There are toys on the couch because he wants them in a specific place, and the vacuum cleaner is in the middle of the living room because if he wakes up in the middle of the night and if it’s not there he will try to get it out of the closet. Which behavior do you work on, which behavior do you ignore, all the thoughts float around my head. And then the rules change. We got ready for church. He was concerned about my clothes but not his this morning. That felt like progress. We had to rush to get out the door though because I asked him to put his socks on and instead he ran to his room to turn the light on so then I sent him back to the couch to put his socks on and he ran to my room. The socks got left someplace at this point so I went back to his room to get more socks. Finally, out the door, we went. When he gets in the car I strap him into his seat. Then when I close the door I have to make sure he moves his foot because he wants to put it in the door as I close it. I have to tell him multiple times to move his foot over before I close the door. I don’t want to tell him he could hurt his foot because then that brings a whole other set of rules in motion. He was happy at church and he wanted his usual chicken nuggets and cheeseburger when we left. He finished all but a few fries and some of the cheeseburger. As soon as he finished he said, “more chicken please.” I asked how many and he said, “two please.” I cooked him five and he ate them all. He was a snacking machine today eating a little bit of everything as the day went on. He wanted pimento cheese crackers after his dinner. And I think he was finally full. He started biting his shirt collar again and this makes me want to cry. I reminded him several times throughout the day not to bite it, trying to distract him with other options. My heart aches for him. He needs the sensory input and I’m sure his teeth growing in do not help the process. He hasn’t done this in quite a while. I can’t tell you how many shirts he used to chew through each week. I’m trying not to think about it and hoping that he doesn’t start chewing on the couch or his bed again. It seems like it is another thing he is cycling back through. “Boo hoo panda’s happy panda’s sad,” he said but this time telling me the panda was sad because he was in ice. He said, “he crying.” I felt like this was closer to him understanding it. His therapist texted me to tell me about the puzzle they play with and miraculously it was the same one he had been able to find on YouTube and told me it was her puzzle. I still wonder how he found it. I know my sweet baby O is amazing and every day he proves it. Some days feel heavy but the sun will shine again and tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I heard “blanket please.” It jolted me a little. I heard it again a little louder “blanket please.” I was not dreaming and I was not completely awake. Through the slits in my eyelids, I saw the clock said it was barely after three. “Nopedy nope,” I heard myself say, quoting Owen’s words that he has used on me so many times. He was in the living room with his tablet and he was requesting me to come put the blanket over his head. I walked into the living room and I told him it was bedtime and he needed to go back to bed. He immediately told me “no” and I told him that if he didn’t go back to bed he wouldn’t be going to grandma’s today. This went over as well as I thought it would. The screams started. I very calmly said you have a choice bed or tablet but if you do not go back to bed you will not go to grandma’s today. He was not happy about this but I told him it was his choice tablet or grandma. He chose grandma. He said, “I made a choice” and it took him about thirty minutes of him going from his bed, to wandering, but he then came to my bed and we slept until about seven. I like that he is making the connection to the fact that it is his choice. He asked about the blender a lot, wanting to make sure the roofers were not coming back. I have to remember that I can’t possibly respond to all of his emotions and questions because he has to work through some of them on his own and other times he will already know the answer but wants to see how I respond to it. I love how much he is trying to say his words now. He isn’t screaming as much when his words aren’t understood and instead he is sounding the words out more. I can’t remember how many times I said, “don’t eat my hair” and thought we were past this phase. He has been asking for a wooded puzzle with a green A and a red B for days. I finally found the one he wanted. It was from a video he was watching. I showed it to him on Amazon and he told me, “order puzzle letters” and took me to the table where his other puzzle is and said, “right here” pointing next to his other one. He’s getting a hang of this online shopping thing. I love when he asks for something he wants though. It makes me happy knowing he can express his feelings and wants. I told him it would take a few days before it got here and he told me it needed to “take a shower” but I’m not sure why. He had a great day at his grandma’s house and mostly listened to me. He fell asleep quickly and I pray he sleeps better tonight. Find your strength and remember you can accomplish your goals if you set your mind to it. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I thought at first I was dreaming. My eyes were not cooperating and they were not even attempting to open but the noise got louder. Owen started yelling, “panda’s happy he’s sad.” One eye popped open. It was a few minutes after four. He came running to me. He said, “panda’s sad” and I said, “the panda is sad, it’s nighttime go back to bed.” He ran off and sat on the couch. It only now dawned on me that I might should move where I charge his tablets. This, however, will not change the outcome of when he wakes up. And most times, occasionally, sometimes when he gets his tablet he will lay in his bed with it. He kept yelling about the game he was playing. He says the opposite of what the panda is doing. I try to explain to him that he should tell what is happening but for some reason, he will tell the opposite. He does this with so many things. I think it is partly because he doesn’t understand how to handle emotions. He was not convinced he needed to go back to sleep. He was also concerned that the roofers were going to come back. He wanted me to turn off the “blender” and he kept asking when they were going to be done even though they left yesterday. Before seven o’clock in the morning, we had discussed the roofers, his ball that broke and he threw it in the trash, his gorilla tablet cover that was replaced with a new cover, an old tablet he had years ago, his orange glasses that broke, and his swing that is broken. He said, “no blender today.” Every noise is a noise and every broken thing is broken. He has wanted to talk about everything that he had owned that is now broken and he wants to get new ones. It’s hard to remember all of this. The rules, the routine, the memories are all something I have to keep track of or try to but this momma forgets and he never does. He was eating and he started singing, “F is for fire fa fa fire g is for gorilla h is for ha ha happy I’m happy today.” He wasn’t singing with a song on his tablet and I hadn’t heard him sing this version so maybe he made it up. In today’s edition of what’s broken in Lynn’s house the air conditioner is now fixed. When the guys were here to fix it their phone rang. This sent Owen into overdrive. “Hear it,” he said. This is part of the reason it is hard for him to go places. All the noises come crashing down on him. It took him years to be remotely okay with me being on a phone call. He would scream or grab the phone from me. I couldn’t even begin to count the meltdowns he had from me being on the phone. And live videos for him are still hard. He wanted to play his ukulele for me and sang Old MacDonald. Then he wanted me to join him with his guitar. I can’t play, nor carry a tune but I love how happy he is about music. I tell him all the time he is amazing and can play anything he wants. Dinner came and he requested “pancake dogs” before I could even ask him what he wanted for dinner. I opened a drawer and he rushed over to close it before I was even done. And with that, it was also the close of another day for us. We live, we love, we learn and we grow. Let tomorrow be the stepping stone to your future. Smiles to all and donut daze!