This sleeping thing for Owen is a good thing. Now if I can convince myself to sleep that would be another story. I am a procrastinator. I always say why do today what I can put off and not do again tomorrow. Partly it’s because of grief, partly it’s because of expectations, and some of it’s no sleep. I’m sure there are a ton of other things mixed in there as well, but each day I try to accomplish more things. I try to look at today and see the growth of me as much as I see the growth of Owen. But looking at your own growth is hard, it’s not something that we were taught to do, it’s not something we think through, but I always tell myself to look at the positives so this morning as I was looking at my grief one more time I said to myself look at the growth. Focus on that. Plus, that’s what I want Owen to see. The happiness that he had from the minute he woke up helped my mood. He sat with me completely under the blue blanket that he wasn’t thrilled was on my bed until he used it to be completely under it. He got ready without any delays, still wanting to wear shorts, and tennis shoes with the tongue. As he stood waiting for the bus I wondered how I was going to convince him to go back to pants when it got cold. Tall socks or long johns may be in the mix at some point. I’m hoping that he is starting to understand seasons. When he was waiting for the bus he wanted to make sure I was going to pick him up from school for therapy. “Mommy gonna pick me up,” he said, and before I could say anything he quickly moved on to talking about Saturday. “Mommy go bye bye be with grandma,” he said. When I picked him up his teacher said he had a great day. I tried to take him to the park before therapy but that was a no-go. He did great at therapy. His speech therapist said he wanted to do complex sentences. Then he wanted to read the books for his chosen activity. She said not only did they have to read the books all the way through but then they had to sing it. Sounds about right for my little musician. I told him we would order a pizza to pick up on the way home. He said, “no no no.” So we headed home and we drove by his “green stop sign” that’s really red and the windows. When he saw Gino’s he said, “order the pizza and then take it home.” I ordered it because this was a big step for him. We had twenty minutes so we went to the park. He did amazing climbing up and going on the slide. I told the owner at the pizza place about how much he loved the sign and called it “Owen’s sign.” I also explained that he tells me stories about how it looks like a person, ant, and robot to him. He ate a lot of pizza and we had a great night. Sleep did not take long at all even though he tried to put it off. Focus on the good stuff. The giggle when he woke up and said, “one hug tickle me” as he put his foot in my hand is what made my day. Hang on to the good stuff and let go of the rest. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I’m thankful Owen has been sleeping better. I can tell you I need it. I got my coffee, he got his tablet, and off to the “white bed” we went. He’s not been as pleased that the “blue blanket” has been on my bed and not the white comforter. We sat there for a little while and then I told him it was time to get ready. I started singing the little ditty I wrote to get us going. “We gotta get up up up to start our day day day, even if you say no way, we gotta get up,” I sang out. I told him he needed to learn to play music with it. off he went. I heard this “pull pull pull.” I wasn’t sure what he was doing but generally when he says that he is trying to do something. He went to get his harmonica and had to get it out of the case so he was trying to figure out which way to open it. He started playing. My sweet baby O is a musician. He will figure out the notes very soon I think. He wanted to wear his blue sneakers today and picked out the white socks. The tube socks are hard for him to pull up but he did good with the shoes. He has been asking to wear them so I thought sure why not and see how it goes. These shoes have a tongue and he gets upset if it doesn’t sit properly but since he has asked I want him to know he gets to make decisions. We went out to wait for the bus and the grass was wet. He wanted to sit on the wet grass. I told him no because I didn’t know what it would lead to. If his clothes get wet he becomes very upset. If he wasn’t going to school I would have let him to see how he handled it so we could talk about emotions. I told him we were going to get a pizza when he got home and he said no but I wanted to try to get him to go. When he came home I told him to leave his shoes on we were going for a ride and get a pizza. It quickly was going to turn into a meltdown and we were not going anywhere. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are hard. It’s all part of the routine and nothing I said was going to make him change his mind. It’s an emotional journey. I wanted us to do something different and fun for him but it’s too much and he can’t process it. I’ll keep trying and working with him to understand the process. Each day is a gift. Sometimes the rollercoaster is more twists and turns but the victory is still there. My musician man made my day and knowing the huge connection he made is what fills my heart with joy. The victory is coming with every step you take. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I woke with a start. Sometimes when I sleep all night I wake thinking I missed something, namely Owen waking up. He was still asleep in his bed and thankfully now that routine is happening our nights are going better. I headed to the bathroom and got my coffee. By this time he had come around the corner and given me “one hug.” He sat on the couch for a minute and then as soon as I headed to my room the light was out and he was following my trail. He sat with me, showing me videos on his tablet. When it was time to get ready he at first told me to wear blue pants. Before I said no I asked him what he was going to wear. He answered, “shorts please.” Once he answered I said, I would be wearing shorts too. He ran off to the living room before the conversation continued. I put my shorts on and took his clothes to him to get ready. Some days when he puts his clothes on, he will put them on correctly, but most days he puts them on backwards or attempts to put both legs on the same side. We finished getting ready and we went out to wait for the bus. As he stood there, he started pulling down on his shorts to past his knee. I’m praying this isn’t a sign to come. Luckily a bunny came by to distract him and then he wanted to walk out in the street. This is always interesting to me. In the morning there isn’t much traffic but I don’t want him to get used to randomly walking in the street. I want him to be aware of his surroundings and in these moments when he walks towards the street I can’t tell if he is doing it for my reaction or because he wants to walk in the street. Plus, I’m sure there are numerous other reasons as well. I watched him as he stood there and ran from one section to the next, looking at the bus, and where it was turning. He gets so excited when he sees the bus, making his final turn around the corner. The smile on his face makes me so happy. He ran to get in place where he likes to wait and then he couldn’t wait until the bus opened its doors. Yesterday when we came home from his vision therapy appointment, he had said that he wanted to go to the library and get pizza. I told him that we could do that today when he got home from school. I was hoping that it would be an incentive for him to do something on a Tuesday. When he got off the bus, he immediately started asking about when he would be on the bus again and to see his teacher. As we were walking towards the house, I said that we could go get a pizza and either go for a walk or go to the library. He immediately started saying no, and he did not want to go. Going places on days when he doesn’t have therapy or other events is really hard for him. As soon as he walked in the door, he took his shoes off and sat on the couch. I tried again to ask him if he wanted to go and the answer was still no. I gave him a couple of minutes, and I fixed his snack. I once again tried to see if he would go with me, and his response was to go take off his shorts. This is the official move to mean we aren’t going anywhere. The rest of the night he was very calm and requested shrimp for dinner. I’m going to try again tomorrow to see if he will go eat a pizza with me or at least order it and have to pick it up. I completely understand that he doesn’t always want to go places, especially after he’s been at school all day working hard but I also want him to know that sometimes we have to go places or we can go places because we want to have fun. This is a learning experience for both of us because trying to find ways to get him to go out and yet letting him make decisions on when he wants to stay home takes effort for both of us to make sure we meet somewhere in the middle. Bedtime was not something he really wanted to discuss and he told me he was going to sleep on the couch. When I went to get his pajamas, I first couldn’t find him and thought he had gone to bed. But then I realize he was under the blanket on the couch and hiding from going to his bedroom. I like the effort that he’s putting into trying to hide from going to sleep. Amazingly he was asleep as soon as he laid down. We learn we love we grow. And today we grew. His smile and his laughter always warm my heart. Find the laughter for your soul and let it put the smile on your face. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I couldn’t fall asleep fast enough it seemed last night. I’ve felt exhausted for days. Sleep happened thankfully for both of us though. Owen woke and was very ready for his day. He was extremely hungry as soon as he woke up. He had gotten into bed with me after I got my coffee but his thoughts quickly turned to food. He told me he wanted waffles, cereal, chips, veggie straws, and chocolate milk. He is a growing boy. He couldn’t wait for that bus. Shorts are still the trend and he doesn’t even blink an eye when I wear them. This is beyond amazing to me. He wanted me to help him with his shoes but I was finishing up in the kitchen. He started squealing and wanted me immediately. There are times when he doesn’t understand that I can’t immediately respond or come running. He will ask me for the same thing ten times and I haven’t even had a chance to stand up yet. I talk to him about patience and understanding but that’s a hard concept to explain. His impatience tests my patience so we both work on breathing exercises together. He doesn’t understand that it can take time to help him and this can upset him further. The key is trying to help him with the behavior first and then get him to understand why. He was happy to go to school and seeing that bus made his day. He knew when he came home from school he would be going to vision therapy so the minute he got off the bus he asked if he was going to ride the bus tomorrow and if he was going to vision therapy. When he came inside he saw the watermelon I got sitting on the counter. He said, “eat a watermelon eat it that’s gross.” He ate a snack that wasn’t watermelon and then we went to his therapy. He’s looked at the glasses the last couple of times we’ve gone. He saw a purple pair and that was the one he wanted. I wasn’t sure if I should order them because he had told me he wanted red ones but he liked them so that’s what matters. And he had wanted a purple harmonica so he’ll have purple glasses too. He had a good session and then we headed home. He played his harmonica when we came home. I told his doctor about him starting music therapy soon and I told Owen to tell her what his favorite instrument was and he said, “trumpet.” It’s funny to me how he always says it’s his favorite but he’s never played one and hardly listens to one. I am looking at getting him one since he has been talking about wanting one for months. I fixed him a glass of milk but put it in the refrigerator while I fixed dinner since he wasn’t in the kitchen. When he got it out of the refrigerator he kicked the door closed with his foot. I love when the kid comes out in him. He’s fighting sleep almost every night but he falls asleep quickly. I’m thankful for a good day and his great smile. Routine means so much to us. Each day is a gift. The challenges show how much the victories truly mean. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I stood crying at church while I was trying to sing the songs. There were no words escaping as all the emotions washed over me. My grief has been heavy recently and today was another hard day. Owen thankfully slept all night. He woke early but at least it was all night. He immediately came to me asking about his tablet and wanting milk. As I sat up he realized he hadn’t said good morning to me. Truly I was still asleep so I hadn’t thought it through yet. “Good morning mommy I’m fine how are you tablet I want chocolate milk please,” he said. I’m always thankful when he has this conversation with me. I also realize how much it has taken for him to get to this point. I keep hoping his own words will replace the format I’ve taught him as an interaction but I’m thankful for how far he has come. These words start the conversation but I love those moments he is sharing himself. He ran off to play as he said, “church church church” over his shoulder. I went to the bathroom and he waited for me to get his milk. Since I gave him Google Earth I am amazed at everything he shows me. I can only imagine that he remembers every bus route he has ever been on. He showed me this statue and said, “burger boy.” The amount of information he has stored is astonishing. We got ready for church. He was not pleased that I put on grey pants and wanted me to wear tan shorts instead. I told him I would tomorrow and he reminded me of that many times throughout the day. He wore shorts again. I am still amazed he told me to wear shorts but at least we got through it with the grey pants. He did great at church but he didn’t want to go anywhere after church except to get lunch and then we came home. He drank most of his milk in the car and then when we came inside he put the container under the couch pillow. I saw him do it so I immediately told him to put it on the table. It’s always interesting to find things days later so I was glad I saw him. He was pretty calm most of the afternoon, wanting to make sure he was going to school tomorrow. He wanted to sing with me and he played his ukulele. He also played his harmonica. Then he wanted me to tickle him. He kept putting his foot in my hand saying “tickle” and laughing hysterically. Bedtime came and he once again was not ready but was out before I could walk to my room. I’m thankful for his smile and that big beautiful laugh. Sing your happiness from the rooftops and dance the night away. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Last night when Owen went to sleep he was hyper-focused on his days ahead. I was praying he could work through it but sleep was not in the cards for us last night. He woke by two, concerned about when he was going to see his grandma, and there was no convincing him to go back to sleep. Distracting him didn’t help and the more I talked to him about it the more upset he got. I told him to go back to his bed, but he just kept coming back to me. Nights like this are hard and emotional. I don’t want to focus on the not sleeping, but it affects the entire day. Thankfully, he was in a great mood. He wanted to read books with me. We ended up reading three books together and then he ran off to read by himself. He doesn’t like it as much when I read with him because I make him slow down. He did great with it though and I’m so impressed with how much he loves to read. He kept asking to make sentences. It makes my day with that great progress. We got ready to leave and shorts won again for him. I’m trying to emphasize to him that every time he gets in the car he needs to put his seatbelt on. It’s not something he always pays attention to. He’s starting to get it clicked more often but he’s still not doing it on his own. It’s a process for him to remember. When he is learning new skills sometimes it can take hundreds of times for him to understand the concept. He will get it though. It’s closer every time. He had a great time with his grandma. She took him on a ride and she said that he was a little emotional about the places they went but for the most part handled it all. The ride home was a little more emotional. The meltdown was right there ready to spill over so I tried everything to keep him calm. I kept asking Siri to say math equations in all the languages. As long as I asked her to translate them Owen was calm but as soon as I stopped he was ready to scream. How could driving around town become so complicated for him and make him so upset? I want to cry every time we get in the car. It’s a chore to keep him calm. This is my baby, my world. “Pinch,” he said as soon as I stopped asking for math problems. I immediately started again because the goal was always to keep him calm. It’s that fine line. He needs to learn about emotions but meltdowns are so incredibly hard. A few blocks from our house I talked to him about getting out of the car when we got home. Sometimes he stays in the car and yells out all the places he wanted to go even though he never asked until we got home. “Sure go get you some bridge flags,” referencing to the bridge that crosses over the train tracks and then continues yelling out other places. I pray each time we go somewhere that he will enjoy it and it won’t be difficult for him. Thankfully he got right out of the car, went up the steps, and even helped me with the key. I’m trying to teach him that we lock our doors and need the key to get inside. Each step we take leads to learning independent life skills. He was full of energy and excitement the rest of the night. He told me to order him a “pet giraffe.” I’m not sure how he will react when it doesn’t come in one of the boxes he always requests. He didn’t want to go to sleep once again but instead wanted to talk about church. “Church tomorrow church church church,” was his mantra as he kept running back and forth from his bed to mine screaming about going. I hold onto the progress and the inspiration that tomorrow will be a great day. Never give up on the miracle yet to come. Focus on the good stuff. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I heard the thunder make its destination announcement in the distance. My mind started racing about the time and how it would affect Owen meeting the bus. I prayed it would not be bad when he went to school. We slept through the night again. Now that he’s back in routine he’s sleeping better. I’m thankful for this and I know it will help him with other things. I got my coffee and the morning routine was set in motion. I said it was time to get ready and Owen said, “you wear blue pants.” I told him I was going to wear flowered pants. He said, “mommy wear shorts.” I thought about the incredible progress he was making. We got dressed, and I kept hearing the rain. We walked out and stood on the porch. He wanted to go walk towards the street where he could see the bus, but it started raining harder and lightning. I tried to convince him to stay on the porch, but at first, he still wanted to go, I distracted him by telling him I was going to get the umbrella from the car. When the bus arrived, it was raining really hard, but thankfully his excitement for the bus won out and he was able to go get on the bus. I’m thankful for the bus and school staff who understand and care so much for my son. They all go out of their way to help him and try to make the transition as easy on him as possible. He had a great day at school and thankfully when he got home it wasn’t raining. As soon as he got off the bus, he started talking about his schedule for the days ahead. He said, “grandma church bus.” He was ready for each of the days ahead. He is definitely growing because he ate all night long. He needed a lot of sensory input and was moving around a lot. He got into his body sock and that really helped calm him. The night went quickly and he kept talking about going to grandma’s tomorrow. I’m thankful for a good day even in a situation like having rain that was so difficult. I gave him some extra time before he went to bed, but he still didn’t want to fall asleep. I finally said the magic word and asked him if he wanted to go to grandma’s tomorrow. All I had to do was mention her name and he was off to get ready for bed. I’m thankful for today and I’m thankful for his growth. His singing and his smile are what made my day. Every day can be a victory. Celebrate the little things, because truly they will change the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!

School, glorious school. Sleeping equals happiness which equals routine which equals thank you, God. Structure for my sweet baby O is one of the best things he could ever have. It helps him grow and be less anxious about everything else. I could only imagine what would happen if he had year-round school. The bathroom trick is becoming quite interesting but good news he is paying more attention to when he truly needs to go. I was a little slow for him getting my coffee. He sat on the couch playing with his tablet until I headed to my room. I heard the light switch about the same time it went dark and he was on my trail quickly. He got in bed with me and under the covers he went. He loves pulling the covers off my bed. He started playing with Google Earth and the driving around town videos he likes to watch. It truly amazes me how he can find places on both. When it was time to get ready I put my shorts on and gave him his options. Shorts again. I’m rejoicing in these moments. I don’t want to think too far ahead but truly this would be amazing if it is something we have to work through with fall and winter. I’m hoping that he is realizing that different clothes can be worn at different times. Over the last few months, I’ve been focusing on explaining that people wear different outfits because of their jobs, climates, and numerous other factors. I'm not sure if this has been why the change but I’ll take it. We went out to wait for the bus and the excitement that washes over his face when the bus comes by is amazing. He starts jumping up and down when he sees it and follows it as it comes around each corner. He then takes off and runs to a spot waiting for the bus to get there. He knew I was coming to pick him up so that we could go to therapy but he always likes to question whether he’s riding the bus or not. I got him after school and his teacher said he had a good day. We had a little bit of time before we had to go to therapy. He was only having two of his sessions today so we went and drove a little longer route. I asked him what he wanted to do before therapy and he said he wanted a “delicious snack.” His delicious snack consisted of chicken nuggets but he ate all of them. He knows so many things. On our way to therapy, he mentioned a place we hadn’t been to in years. At first, I had no clue what he was talking about and then the more he explained I knew exactly where he meant. I went in with him and waited for him with his first session, but then he wanted me to go in with his second. His speech therapist said he did really well today and he wanted to do a lot of sentences. That is his new thing two-word sentences. I’m glad he is taking such an interest in speech and languages. He has also asked to go to the library numerous times to read books. He had a lot of fun in his physical therapy and worked hard, then we came home. He wanted to drive by all the places, but settled on the windows and to see the fire trucks. He was fascinated once again by Google Earth and all the things that he could find. And I am fascinated by all the things that he can find. Our Internet was once again in and out, and thankfully the backup worked, but he was still upset that it was slow. In these moments, I have to remember these are learning experiences even though they’re difficult they are something that he has to learn and figure out. It doesn’t make it any easier, but hopefully over the different experiences, he’ll be able to understand that it will come back. He once again didn’t want to go to bed, but he certainly wanted the bus to come in the morning. I heard him talking about Curious George and going to sleep. I’m thankful for his growth and all the things he is learning. His smile is what brightens my day and brings joy to my world. Believe in the miracle yet to come and know that it will make a difference. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Why do something today when you can put it off and not do it again tomorrow? I keep telling myself to get more organized. I know it will help Owen but truly it will help me. And today pointed that out more and more. We slept all night again and for that I’m thankful. The routine is sinking in. I can tell he is becoming calmer. He slept until almost six. I didn’t even wake him up getting my first cup of coffee. When I got my second cup I made a little extra noise and it wasn’t long before I heard him stirring. He did his same bathroom trick as yesterday. I guess he didn’t think I caught on. After he was done he turned off all the lights, grabbed his tablet, and got into bed with me. He was watching the driving videos. As my mom says he’s a “memory machine.” The dude amazes me. He has found several videos that different people posted. He follows along with one video, watching where they drive, and then when that video takes off in a direction he doesn’t want to go he opens the next video and follows it along until he opens a third video to finish the journey he wants to take. It amazes me how he has found three separate videos to get him on the streets he likes. I told him it was time to get ready so I sent him on his way to turn on the lights and I got dressed in shorts. I called him to get ready and when I walked out of my room he said, “blue pants” gesturing at what I was wearing. I told him that today I was going to wear shorts. He turned his focus to the clothes I had laid out in front of him. The choices were blue jeans, jogger pants, and shorts. He chose the shorts. It’s victory season! We were both in shorts. I’m still shouting for joy. We went out to wait for the bus and the pure joy he has when he sees the bus is a beautiful thing to watch. He was off. When he came home he was in a good mood asking about school and the bus for tomorrow. Our internet was out again but the backup was working. Thankfully he did not get upset when the TV wasn’t connecting. Wallpaper, you know that moment years ago when you thought something wasn’t that important so you’ve saved it for a rainy day? Well, that day is now. When you have an older home everything falls apart at some point. Owen figured out how to rip off wallpaper and the corner protectors that were put up way before we even lived here and should have been updated by now. It was never pressing, never important, but now the decision is how long can I ignore this and Owen answered the question. I am going through our stuff trying to simplify and organize everything. That is my goal. The night went quickly and my sweet baby O was busy reading, singing, and driving along with the videos. He wasn’t ready for bed but he was sure ready to go to school tomorrow and therapy. I’m thankful for the joy he gives my heart. Be inspired to share kindness and grace with others and watch hope unfold before your very eyes. Smiles to all and donut daze!

The decision was made and shorts were worn. This routine isn’t exactly like our routine before but I think it will start becoming the new routine except that Owen remembers every single detail of every routine that has come his way before so I have confidence he will figure it out. He slept until he heard me. Every creak in the floor is like a little alarm going off that is saying it’s time to wake up and I don’t exactly walk lightly. His new trick for making me think he has gone to the bathroom is quite ingenious. He walks in, closes the door slightly so it squeaks, turns on the light, turns off the light, and comes out of the bathroom. If I didn’t see it with my own eyes I may not have believed it. I then have to tell him to really go to the bathroom. Since I was standing at the coffeepot he bypassed me and went straight for his tablet. I suppose that is wise since I hadn’t gotten my coffee. We started getting ready and I didn’t even have to ask him. “Mommy wear blue pants,” he said. I then asked him what he wanted to wear and he said, “shorts.” This truly is a miracle that is happening right before my very eyes. I have shorts, jogging pants, and blue jeans ready for tomorrow’s decision. I thought I would throw a different choice into the mix so he can see other options. When winter comes, which I hope the shorts trend continues, I want him to know he can wear other things besides shorts or jeans. I’m just thankful for him wearing shorts. It’s truly a big deal and I’m so proud of his progress. We went outside to wait for the bus. He stands where he can see the different streets around us so he can see the bus the minute it turns all the corners. He started jumping the minute he saw the bus. If we could all have this much joy about something we love it would be amazing. He watched it turn the first corner and then he waited for the next corner. The smile washed over his face first and then he took off running to get to his waiting spot. Within a few minutes, my shorts-wearing boy was off to one of his favorite places to see some of his favorite people. When he came home from school he was very calm but he didn’t want to go anywhere. I completely understand this. I had asked him if he wanted to go to the park or a store but he grabbed his tablet and that was that. The rest of the night was filled with food, music, and his tablet. He played his harmonica for me and asked me to sing with him while he played. It won’t be long before he gets it all and plays a song. He told me he wasn’t going to bed but he was asleep before I even got to my room. Thankful for a good day, thankful for progress, and thankful for my boy’s beautiful smile. The melody in your heart is the song the world needs to hear. Smiles to all and donut daze!