I wish I could find sleep. It’s probably off running with the answers I so desperately seek. Owen woke in a mood that could only be described as agitated. And I’m sure it was because of my singing.

I’m trying to find a way to wake him up on those days that he happens to sleep through my noises. I started singing the wake-up song I made for him. It goes, “You gotta get up up up to start your day day day, even if you say no way you gotta get up.” It woke him but he immediately said, “white bed” like he was banishing me there for my not-so-lovely singing. He was not having any of my happiness and certainly not my singing. He ran to the bathroom and followed to the “white bed.”

We sat there talking about his days ahead. He wants to make sure he doesn’t miss his Saturday with his grandma. I explained to him that he is brilliant and he has to find a way to rest his mind. I want him to understand that he can start taking control of this and what he thinks about. I talk to him about how powerful his brain is and the answers are there. He repeats everything over and over again.

When he took his supplements he got the yogurt all over his face. I told him I had to wipe it. You would think this is the worst thing ever. He’s my sensory baby and me wiping his face is extremely hard on him. He will scream, run from me, or even have a meltdown from it. Thankfully he let me do it quickly today.

We got dressed and went out to wait for the bus. He almost knocked me over with his excitement as the bus turned the corner. I always tell them if they ever have a bad day to remember how much they make Owen’s day.

He was happy when he got off the bus. I was wearing my pink shoes and pink hat with a flower shirt. I didn’t wear it when he left but he had requested I wear it when he got home. I haven’t been giving into his clothing demands but I love the hat and wanted to wear it today.

He was ready to go to his appointment. He told me that we were going to the park and bowling. I said we could leave now to go to the park but we wouldn’t have enough time for bowling. He said, “Go to the library with grandma.” I said maybe you could go again next week. He immediately said no but then said, “On Saturday mommy go bye-bye” so I think he was afraid if he agreed to the library next week he would be missing out on his Saturday.

We headed to the chiropractor for his appointment. They work on a lot of his sensory issues and so many other things. He brought his kickboard with him because he wanted to see if they had a bathtub he could use it in. I am going to try to take him on Friday to the pool after he gets home from school but Fridays are hard on him but we will try. The pool might be just the thing to get him going.

He couldn’t wait to get home to take a bath so he could sit on his kickboard. He ate his dinner, played the harmonica, and sang lots of songs. It was a good day. He didn’t yell at me in the car at all today. That’s our victory.

Each day we are faced with challenges. Some days they are overwhelming but focusing on the good stuff is so worth it. Life is having fun with your kickboard in your “pool bath.” Let today be your victory day. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I got up way earlier than he did. I think sleep is a lost art for me. It’s like every day one more shoe drops. I got my coffee and went back to sit on my bed until it was closer to school time. I sat overthinking everything.

Owen was ready for the bus to take him to school. He slept all night again and as soon as he woke up he started talking about school. He was very excited because his morning bus driver was back and he was also happy because it was Tuesday which meant he was going to ride the bus home as well.

He is now very fascinated by Sonic the Hedgehog. I think maybe because his friend at school dressed like him for Halloween and that makes me even happier. He wanted to wear a Sonic shirt this morning but we don’t have one. I’ll add it to the list of things I need to get for this growing boy.

He was very excited about going to the dentist and then dinner. He has been watching teeth videos again to prepare himself for his appointment. We finished getting dressed and he was out the door to wait for the bus telling me about his bus driver coming to get him.

He is very fascinated by chewing gum and wants everyone to open their mouths. He walks up to someone and stares at them before I can even say a word. He generally says, “Blue pants” to them first, and then he says, “Ahhh” trying to get them to open their mouths because he wants to see if they have gum. When he was younger his behaviors were dismissed because he was just a toddler or just a kid. The older he gets my heart stops sometimes when he approaches people because I pray they will understand if he reaches for them or tries to take their gum out of their mouth.

When he got home he first told me he wasn’t going anywhere and I needed to put a dress on but thankfully he quickly got back on track. He told me he wanted to go to the park first and the depot which usually causes him to have meltdowns if we don’t do them in order. I told him we weren’t going today because of our appointment time and I was hopeful that he would remain calm. And he did.

To say he did amazing at his appointment is an understatement. He told me on the way there all the steps his dentist was going to do. He sat there calmly interacting with her and was able to even do X-rays. It was incredible to watch this dedicated staff all work together to quickly get the X-rays done and be with him through the entire process.

When we left we met his grandma at the library before we went to dinner. I let him go with her so they could have some time together. He did really well with that and then with dinner at the requested Dairy Queen.

The drive home was pretty quiet. I think he does much better when it is nighttime. Maybe there aren’t as many distractions for him. He wouldn’t get out of the car right away. He thinks it’s funny to lock his door back when I am trying to get him out of the car. Sometimes he does it when I don’t drive in the direction he wants me to and then he has a meltdown before we can even get out of the car.

He did not want to go to bed but he was ready for his next few days. Another full day for him tomorrow. He made incredible progress today and only a few hiccups in our day. I’m thankful he has no cavities and that he did amazingly through the whole process. Never give up on the miracle yet to come. Smiles to all and donut daze!

It’s like magic when Owen knows his schedule. He went to bed on time with only a little back and forth with me about his days ahead and he then slept all night, I’m sure focused on the good stuff of the week ahead.

He woke up wanting school talking about “math on the bus” and wanting to know when his bus driver would be back. He repeated his name over and over and told me today. He followed me back to the “white bed” after I added the very important ingredient of water to the coffeemaker since ya can’t have coffee without it and I forgot to put it in last night when I set the timer.

When we got to my bed he talked about his grandma. He is already making sure he will see her on Saturday. I asked him if he remembered why he didn’t go this past Saturday and he said, “Upper night.” I told him we could go to dinner with grandma on Tuesday or Wednesday and he said, “No come home” but I know it’s a process for him since it isn’t part of his routine and he will be excited about doing it.

As soon as we got out the door he started asking about his bus driver again. I said we’ll have to wait and see. Maybe they told him he would be back today or just like my sweet baby O, he always knows. He senses things. He will ask me about people I am thinking about and haven’t mentioned to him. Maybe he can see it in my face or feel it in my emotions but he always knows.

He has now started turning the tablet to watch videos in a different direction. This used to be a big thing for him. He didn’t want it to be any other direction and occasionally when the app or game was only vertical he would have huge meltdowns over it.

We got to Dollar General. It was a little stressful but we did it. When I picked him up from school I told him we were going to go after his music therapy. He said, “No Dollar General” after he had been talking about it for so long. I knew he would though. He did great at music therapy and as soon as he came back to me before anything else he said, “No Dollar General” again but as soon as we got there all his protesting was quickly changed.

He mostly pushed the cart pretty straightforwardly but a little sideways as well. He picked a puffed corn chip with a “lion” on it even though I don’t think it was a lion. He said the whole time he didn’t want to go and kept saying it as we got there but then he didn’t want to leave once we were in the store. He raced through the store not really touching anything but seemed like he was on a mission. He was a bit anxious at the checkout but handled it.

He did well at his vision therapy. He followed instructions and had good follow-through with many of the exercises. He got his glasses back. He had them about two seconds before he popped the lens out but they were able to fix it quickly. On the way there he said, “Grandma” and I said tomorrow. He said, “Go to Dairy Queen.”

His doctor had blue chewing gum and he was impressed that it was blue. She gave him a piece to try again. He chewed half a stick this time for close to a minute and then pulled it out of his mouth and gave it to me. A few minutes later he chewed it again for a few seconds and then he got rid of it.

When we got home he wanted all the foods and lots of snacks. He walked up to me and said, “Bus home then the dentist then Dairy Queen.” He only said it once and walked away. I burst out into tears. For him to only say it once and with confidence plus walking away is incredible progress.

Bathtime and bedtime came quickly. I’m not sure what he ate at school today but his hair loved it. I told him I thanked God for him every day and he said, “I know.” Know that the chaos will pass and be thankful for your joys that will come. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen slept until after seven and I slept until about five. I’ll take it. It was the kind of yucky weather that he likes now. The rain fit my mood but it was probably the first morning I hadn’t cried in a week. That was my victory for the day. And as the day wound up I’m glad I had my victory early.

He woke up and came straight to me. Normally he says “tablet” or “school” and then his good morning. Today he said, “Good morning I’m fine how are you,” then talked about church but he waited for me to hug him. He ran off to go to the bathroom, focused on Tuesday not today.

His Tuesday loop was on because he was worried he wasn’t going to ride the bus home since I told him he was going to the dentist. I assured him that he would ride the bus home and then we would leave for the dentist. I keep praying they don’t cancel the appointment for whatever reason because that would be extremely hard on him.

He kept bringing his tablet to me wanting me to play his games for him. He likes watching the characters run instead of playing the game himself. I want him to do it to work on his hand-eye coordination and his focus.

His Tuesday loop was also because of his excitement about going to the dentist. It was all dentist talk all morning. I have tried to make any of our appointments with health professionals important to him. I want him to understand they are there to help us and we can talk to them about anything.

He went through all the moments of what his dentist would do and talk to him about. He wants her to clean his “lobster tooth.” When he is there he generally calls his teeth “Spider-Man teeth” and when he is home they are lobster teeth I believe because of a video he watches with a lobster in it. He can’t wait to see her.

His anxiousness has been heightened even more lately. I suppose like most everything he goes through cycles with it. I have been researching how our body processes anxiety and anxiousness. This has led me to learn about the Moro reflex and how it is associated with anxiety and anxiousness. It is something that should go away in the early stages of life but doesn’t always with children with disabilities. Between introducing the Moro reflex exercises and already working on his primitive reflexes with all his therapists I feel this will help his anxiety, I pray this will help with his anxiousness.

I watched Owen open the car door as we got ready to leave for church. He gets in the car and puts on his own seatbelt now. Even though he’s been doing it for a while now this still brings such a thankful feeling to my soul. This is another step in the progress towards his independence.

I leaned on the wall several times while we were singing at church. I prayed for God to hold me up and help me to stand strong and stay motivated in our future. The loneliness sits so strongly some days when Owen constantly yells at me or repeats every single thing he is processing hundreds of times throughout the day. I felt relief and I felt a peace wash over me. And I still didn’t cry.

When we left church it was like the day that would never end. I have to say it was every single emotion and then some but I still didn’t cry. He wanted to ride his bike and go to the park at our church. It was raining and this brought him great delight and thankfulness once again to my heart since rain is no longer causing meltdowns.

When we left church he insisted on Burger King on the way home but told me he also wanted to go to McDonald’s. I told him he had to choose. BK it was. He told me he didn’t want to go by the bridge flags and I said we are not going the long way home. He said, “Close my eyes.” I’m not sure which one of us he was referring to but I was hoping it was him.

The afternoon was full of one thing after another. I still didn’t cry. I still wanted to. The screaming, meltdowns, and repetitive behavior get me some days and today was one of them. I told him that he was amazing and could work through any of this. I always want him to know that he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to. When you accomplish something that's good for your heart it's good for the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!

“Upper night” as Owen says. He woke up at eleven o’clock and that was that. There was a lot of noise last night or maybe it was his brain not letting him rest because he knew he was supposed to go to his grandma’s house today. I’m not sure but we both were a little frazzled all day.

I had just fallen asleep and was in that state that you aren’t completely asleep yet. He came to me wanting to go to his grandma’s house. I tried everything to get him back to sleep but he was on a mission. I caught a few minutes of sleep between the times he came to me to say it was time for us to go to Grandma’s house. I tried to explain she was sleeping but that did not work.

There was a lot of noise last night so maybe that woke him so early. Not sure why last night. I know Fridays are usually early but that was no sleep at all. I’m trying to get him to understand how the clock works so that it might help when he wakes up but it’s still a process.

I asked him what he wanted for breakfast and he told me “Corn juice.” I said, “Do you mean orange juice” and he said, “No blueberries.” He went through about ten more things including “pancake fork pancake with a fork and knife chicken fish waffle.” He then decided he wanted “chicken sticks not nuggets” and he ate them all.

In a short amount of time, he asked me about all his days ahead, repeatedly. He was sleepy but he wouldn’t give in to a nap. He was very focused on his day but I told him that if we didn’t sleep at all then he couldn’t go to grandma’s house.

He played his trumpet but he doesn’t have the power or understanding of how to play it yet. He thinks it is like how he does it with the harmonica but for now, I know he is just happy to have it. He wanted to know where his drums were when he was playing it.

He has a busy week ahead. Sunday church, Monday therapies, Tuesday dentist, Wednesday therapy, Thursday therapy, and Friday no sleep will be back on the agenda. I went through the week with him hoping it would help him know he has a full schedule. I said, what would you like to do on Friday? He said, “Go to Dollar General and get snacks.” Then he said, “No no no.” It is hard for him to think through doing anything else on days that he wants to prepare for the days ahead.

He fell asleep so quickly but he lasted all day at pretty much full strength. Me not so much. Tomorrow he is ready for “church church church.” Me too.

We laughed, we cried, and we had a lot of great moments through our exhaustion and not too many meltdowns. Each day take your victory lap and know that you can do it. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Darkness reigned again. The wind was blowing outside and the noises seemed to be loud everywhere. Four o’clock in the morning seems to be my new wake-up time. I stayed in bed as long as I could and then I had to get up.

I wasn’t as quiet this morning but it was later than yesterday. Owen woke with the same conversation as yesterday. “School school,” he said as he walked through the curtain hanging at his bedroom door. It’s one of the many things I’ve tried to block the light from reaching him.

The screams that have echoed through our walls because of lights are more than I could ever even imagine. I try not to think about it when he turns off a light that I want on. There are so many emotions attached to lights alone and I don’t want to sigh the wrong way because I know they will cause more screams.

He was a happy camper when he got up because he knew he was going to ride the bus to and fro from school. His theme was planning his Saturday of the “black computer” at grandma’s house.

After I got my coffee we came and sat on my bed. He was very calm and we watched the Curious George Halloween movie. We got dressed and headed outside to wait for the bus. He was so happy to see it. He gave me a big hug and they were off.

His words and actions sometimes mimic exactly what someone else sounds like or how they say it. “You know the answer mmm hmm,” he said like me with the same tones and actions. It amazes me how he can do it with so many different people.

His mind gets ramped up. I am hoping that he can settle tonight. He took his bath late and he was asleep in minutes. I pray he sleeps through the night and it’s not a typical Friday. He is surely ready to see his grandma though.

Each day we face challenges and each day we e can keep moving forward. I’m thankful for Owen’s amazing progress. Find your strength and let your world shine. Smiles to all and donut daze!

The coldness continues. The warmer weather hasn’t helped my mood. The rain falling is like the tears quickly falling from my eyes. I thought yesterday was hard but today was taken to a whole new level. Thankfully Owen has been sleeping even if I haven’t.

It wasn’t even five and I had gotten my first cup of coffee. He slept through it. Since I woke so early I tried to let him sleep a little longer. My second cup I made a lot more noise and from his bed, I heard “school school.” He is afraid he is not going to get to go to school again. His anxiousness is in full swing since he missed so many days of his routine last week.

After I got my coffee Owen grabbed his tablet and came to sit with me. He was concentrating on making sure all his days ahead were in order and going to happen. It is so hard on him when one thing changes from his routine.

When got dressed and went out to wait for the bus. He started talking to me about his day again. He asked me when the bus was going to get there and then he started listing things that we had to throw away. “Black shoes purple tablet gorilla tablet,” started the list. He went on. They were all things from two or more years ago. My shoes had a hole in them so I threw them away. The purple tablet was a cover that he chewed through and the same with the gorilla cover. The other random things were all thrown away for one reason or another but he remembered them all. His mind does not forget a thing.

Change is not easy for him. He has a new teacher and he seems to be handling it well but I’m sure it is also part of his need to make sure everything is in order.

He told me this morning he needed a haircut. I found that fascinating. He is making huge strides.

I picked him up from school. Before we could even get to the car he was talking about Friday and Saturday. His schedule was all he thought about the rest of the day.

He did pretty well at therapy but was highly elevated when we left. He wanted to go to burger boy but I did not come home the way he wanted. The ripple effects of his meltdown lasted all night. It was one of the biggest ones he has had in quite some time. The crying pierces my heart. He pulled my hair and pushed me. My heart aches for him. How can something like my turning instead of going straight cause hours of tears and emotions?

I talked to his therapists about exercises that help with anxiety. They thought it would be a good idea for him. They are going to work on what input they think will help him and then work on teaching the exercises to me so I can help him at home.

All night he was making sure that he would be on his bus tomorrow and he wanted to confirm Saturday with his grandma. He was mad when we got home he didn’t go to the park. I asked him when we left therapy and he only wanted to go see the burger boy statue. I think the meltdown was extremely hard on him.

I dream of a day where he is calmer in moments and meltdowns are not so hard on him. I pray for calm for him. I pray I can continue to find new ways to help him. I never imagined that turning down a street would cause so many emotions but that’s what it does.

I hold onto his smile and his laughter when I tickled his feet as he was trying to put his socks on this morning. That’s what gets me through our days. Let a smile turn into your ray of sunshine and then in turn share it with the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Some days I want a redo before I get out of bed. It felt colder even though it was so much warmer. Some days are like that I suppose.

Owen was so happy to go to school. It makes me happy to see him smile. He had slept all night and seemed to be in a great mood when he woke up. He sat with me on the “white bed” under the covers giggling over videos on his tablet.

He told me he wanted to go bowling and to the big park after school. Then he said he wanted to go to Dollar General and the bug building. It’s a building with lots of signs but he always talks about the bugs on the one sign.

I am happy that he talks to me about more things now. It is amazing how his communication skills are skyrocketing but he kept skipping to Thursday. He is constantly checking on his days ahead. I wish I could help him with his anxiety about this.

So close. When he got off the bus we talked through all the possibilities of where we could go and then it was a big no. He is ready for his Thursday and his Saturday and that’s that.

He wanted to take his bath in his swimsuit and goggles. But more importantly, he wanted to talk about Saturday. “On sat tur day,” he said like he was hitting every section of the word. It’s him wanting me to confirm but my confirmation has to sound exactly like he wants it to sound or he goes through it a hundred times. The number almost sounds like I’m exaggerating but throughout the night it was at least that.

He fell asleep quickly but was ready for me to pick him up from school tomorrow to go to therapy. I’m thankful he loves going and I’m thankful for a mostly good day with only a few hiccups. Find happiness in the little things and focus on the good stuff. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen was so excited to get on that bus. He slept all night and I could hear him stirring when I got up to get my coffee. The first words out of his mouth were about the bus, and then he asked about his tablet and his friend.

He started telling me he was going to see his friend today when he got to school. I repeated that he was going to see his friend and he said, “Best friend.” He wanted to see his best friend!!

He also talked to me about seeing his afternoon bus people. He couldn’t wait to see them. He missed them so much during the snow days and he didn’t see them yesterday because he went to music therapy and I picked him up from school. I’m very thankful he wants to see his people and he has so many amazing people in his life that are helping him grow.

His new thing is asking to go to Dollar General. He wants to go to a specific one and I’m not sure why. He may have gone with our friends or he remembers it from when he was little which wouldn’t surprise me. He wants to stop at another building near it that has a bug on the sign.

When he came home from school I thought I had gotten him to go shopping because he mentioned Dollar General but he quickly changed his mind and said bowling and then no and then more nos. We stayed home but we did lots of activities.

I made baked steak and rice for dinner. He loved the steak until I gave him a bite of the rice and gravy. Then he told me to throw it in the trash. I pivoted and went back to just the baked steak that had only a little gravy on it and he was eating it again. He ate a full slice. At first, he told me he wanted soup for dinner and then mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes. He has been coming up with interesting meal choices.

He played music with me tonight and I love to hear him sing. He wanted me to sit while I ate my banana again. The long bath once again basically gets the whole house wet but at least he enjoys it.

Sleep was not something he wanted to do but it didn’t take him long to fall asleep. I pray he sleeps again and I’m very thankful for a great day. We all have a story to tell about the journey we are on. You are important and so is your story. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I’m finding sleep for myself very difficult lately. The weight of the world sits heavy some days. And then I miss my brother. Grief is a beast. I never realized how much I counted on his wise words of wisdom or at least used him as a sounding board.

Owen slept all night and woke up ready for Tuesday. He wanted all his Monday things but he couldn’t stop thinking about Tuesday. He for some reason wants to get to that day even though he is talking about today and all that is going on with today. Maybe it was so he knew he was back to routine. He was concerned about the Tuesday bus too. I think he missed the fact that he rides the bus to and from school on Tuesday. I can only imagine what he is thinking and know that he misses his routine. He was also concerned he would have to help fix the bus so he asked me to give him a screwdriver. I reassured him he would not need a screwdriver and it would be fine.

He had a good day at school. When I picked him up for music therapy he started talking about the bus for Tuesday again. He said, “You got it ride the bus home ride the bus school.” I once again reassured him he would be going to school tomorrow.

His music therapist said he changed it all up on her. He wanted to talk about pajamas, play-doh, and coloring with markers. He talked about this all the way there. I had no clue why. I didn’t say anything to his therapist about it when we got there. She pointed to the new board in the lobby and they had redone it with those things he wanted to play with and talk about. I remembered after we left that when we were there the last time they told him they were redoing their board with a winter theme and he remembered. He never forgets.

When we got home he told me he wanted waffles for his snack before his vision therapy and when I was making them I got a banana. He told me to come sit on the couch and he sat next to me smiling from ear to ear watching it back and forth under the blanket. He was laughing and had a huge smile. He’s come a long way. He still wanted me to eat it quickly but he at least was far from screaming and then threw the peel away for me.

He did great at vision therapy. We saw one of our advisors with her son. He was fascinated by her son chewing gum so she gave Owen a piece. He tried the tiniest of pieces but he chewed it. Then he took it out of his mouth but huge progress.

He did great with his doctor. She had him do numerous exercises and he was able to do them all. I loved watching him quickly focus on the different areas she wanted him to look at.

When we came home he had asked to go by what he calls the “skeleton” building but he didn’t want to go by the “bridge flags.”He sai,d “close your eyes” so I’m not quite sure when that skill or knowledge was acquired but he told me not to go that way and he wasn’t closing his eyes. I told him if he didn’t want to see it he better because that’s the way we were going since he wanted to see the skeleton. He said there’s an accident you gotta turn around. There wasn’t but now that is his answer to any direction he doesn’t want me to go since he seen those accidents. He is quite the problem solver now.

When we got home he kept asking to see his friend tomorrow. I’m glad he makes friends and wants to see them. The night went quickly and he was extremely ready to go to school tomorrow.

I’m thankful for his progress and his big heart. Find your passion and show the world what you are made of. Smiles to all and donut daze!