Friday nights are always interesting. Owen woke by one. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed some more he would go back to sleep. He did not. He wanted to scream about it too. I tried everything I could think of to get him to go back to sleep. But it was Friday night and that is the no-sleeping night because he has to get ready for grandma’s house. He got into my bed and every two seconds he said, “grandma grannnddma grandmaaaa.” Does it take two seconds to say, grandma? It was a lot. And then dispersed in there would be “tablet” but it wasn’t as big of a concern. Exhausting doesn’t quite cover it. He couldn’t focus on anything else besides getting to grandma’s house. We had gotten past Friday with him wanting to stay home because he didn’t want to go on a trip again but I knew Friday night would be an all-nighter. The night stretched into the morning and it was finally time to go to grandma’s house. The blue pants problem is a problem. He has so much support walking him through these days and yet it doesn’t seem to change anything. He’s had these behaviors before but the emotions attached to this are so much stronger. Plus, he is now really increasing how he says the opposite of what is happening or what he is seeing. This is hard. He says it’s raining when it’s not, something is happy when it is sad, and will say it’s a man when it’s a woman, all the opposite things as well and the list goes on. I keep hoping that we will get more answers when we go to the specialists in September. I’m hoping as the team evaluates him they will be able to offer more structured advice to push us through these waves and cycles of emotions. It’s all so much. I keep trying to talk him through it, giving him structured times to talk about it, and limited access to his triggers but when the entire world is a trigger that is impossible to do unless we go nowhere and he still will watch a video, look at a book, or talk about a stuffed animal that does or does not have blue pants. Even when he cannot see the person or the character’s pants he will talk about it. I breathe. He broke his blue glasses when he was at grandma’s today. I’ve been letting him decide what glasses he wants to wear and I am hoping by doing this he won’t break his real glasses again. His grandma gave him some other glasses to wear if he wanted them and he proudly wore donut glasses. By the time we left there, he was half asleep. Somehow he stayed up for several more hours and ate a pretty good dinner. He asked about church several times, and said he would be with mommy on Monday, then change it to go to the pool on Monday and ride the train on Tuesday. I’m not quite sure if he wants to ride the real train again or if it’s something else he is trying to explain. Time will tell. I’m not sure what days we will do what but I’m hoping he will actually want to go. One more week until school starts. I’m hoping when he goes back to school his teacher may have some more insight on how to redirect our blue pants world. He kept me on my toes today but his big belly gut laugh and that huge grin kept me going. He was exhausted but really cranky and a little after eight he was out. I wanted to try to keep him up later but his eyes were so heavy and as soon as he was in bed he was out and that was mid-sentence stating “no bed today.” Tomorrow is a brand new day and I have to focus on the good stuff. Find your strength and keep pushing forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!

We sat. Well mostly I sat and Owen played. This made him very happy. He slept until after nine in the morning. I couldn’t believe it. I truly couldn’t believe it. He woke in a very calm manner and immediately went to the bathroom. I wasn’t feeling great this morning so calm was exactly what I needed. I fixed his breakfast and he ran around like he usually does. He wasn’t screaming very much though. Because I was sitting partly and because he was saying every few minutes “be with mommy.” He did not want to go anywhere and he wanted me to know it. I asked him if he wanted to go to the pool, I thought I’d try. “No,” he said followed by several more nos. And that was that. I didn’t want to push my luck. I did absolutely nothing most of the day so that helped him. The couple of times I went to the bathroom he ran to see where I went and he said, “be with mommy” each time, I think so I wouldn’t get any ideas about getting dressed and going someplace. When I sat back down he would sit on top of me until he knew I was sitting and not going anywhere. When I would walk anywhere in the house he would run after me. He used to do this a lot more than he does it now. It was like he wanted to make sure there was no secret exit somewhere. He ate pretty well and I was happy when he asked for a sandwich for lunch. He didn’t pick at it. He’s doing so well with taking bites of his sandwich and putting them down. He did great until someone started mowing their grass. I can’t wait until the mowing season is over. He always gets anxious and looks outside when they are mowing. This caused him to then see that someone parked in front of our house and they didn’t say hi to him. I distracted him after a while with a video he loves. He asked me to sit with him and wanted me to watch the video. This made me happy he didn’t go into a meltdown because the person didn’t say hi. When we were watching the video he wanted me to order him an “Old MacDonald robot” but thankfully he likes the Mickey Mouse animated character that sings it that I got him so hopefully this will do. I’m trying to figure out how to explain numbers to him and that you can read each number or group them in thousands, tens, and ones. He was wanting me to look up a video for him and I read the numbers individually and not as a whole number. I’m glad he understood I was saying it different though. He wants instant gratification when he needs something. His tablet ran out of battery and he brought it to me. I had something else in my hands but he took my hand anyways to plug in his tablet. I try to explain to him he can’t do that. Luckily it was nothing in my hands that broke when he pulled on them but I always have to be on my toes for these moments. I had gotten different magnetic chargers for his tablets that he was doing really well with but they stopped working quickly so it was then hard to transition him back to asking me to plug them in for him. But we keep moving forward. Every step is a step and that is good. He was ready for bed and I’m praying tonight is another great night of sleep but I’m prepared because it’s Friday night and he will be ready to see grandma tomorrow. I’m thankful for his songs and smiles today. Kindness starts in our own heart. Always remember you can do anything you set your mind to. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen came to my bed well after three. I think he was more asleep than awake but here he was. He got into bed with me but would not move over me. As it is I already sleep on the edge of my bed, always have, and then he wanted to sleep between me and the edge. I told him I couldn’t hold him. Long gone are the days that I can hold him and especially when he is right on the edge of the bed. He is solid as a rock now. He started to finally move but then he was laying across me. I told him he had to keep going. He finally made it to the other side of me and slept for another four hours. He even slept through me getting up. On the other side of the bed, I have a bed rail to prevent him from falling off that direction. To say the day was emotional is probably the biggest understatement I can make. This week has been hard. I keep telling myself to jump over the hurdles and get to the other side. But that’s been hard. Every single thing is something right now. I never childproofed my house because I never had to childproof my house. Now he wants the lights off or some of the doors a certain way, the locks turned the direction he needs them to be and the list goes on and on. I’ve added extra locks and tried to talk to him about the lights but everything is getting harder for him unless it is exactly like he wants it. After he woke I told him he was going to see his grandma. He was beyond ready immediately. He wanted to clarify that I was going to leave. He needs to know all the steps and he is very concerned that we are going on a trip again. I dropped him off and went to my appointment. When I picked him up later he was calm but still had an edge about him. We had to stop at our house before we went to his therapy. I told him all the steps so he would understand. Thankfully he did fine. After his therapy, we were dropping some donations off at our church. I wasn’t sure how this would go for him but I told him exactly what was going to happen. He had a great therapy session and then we were off to church. All his therapists had on blue pants today and that made him happy. I told him once we got to church we could go inside and ride the elevator if he wanted or we would drop it off and go get his chicken nuggets and cheeseburger. As soon as we got there I took the stuff out and put it on the curb. Our church friend came out and was not wearing blue pants. I had Owen’s door open but he was still belted in. He immediately told her she had to leave because she wasn’t wearing blue pants and then he started crying. I wanted to cry with him. I wish someone had answers. He’s stuck in a cycle and I don’t know how to get him out of it. As soon as we drove off he was back to being interested in his tablet and the food we were going to get. When we got home he was happy as a lark. He said multiple times for the rest of the night that “Friday be with mommy.” He is not interested in going anywhere. I told him we could even go to the pool but I think he is too afraid we will be on a long trip again. This is the problem with anything out of routine. I never know when it is going to cause the ripple effect that could last for years. He still flips on the light switch by the front door and says “power’s on.” This is a result of our power being off for over twelve hours one day because someone hit a telephone pole and it happened years ago. Thankfully he was ready for bed and was out as soon as his head was on the pillow. Tomorrow I pray that I can find the right words for him to move on from the blue pants. I pray and I pray and I pray for him to find calm in his mind with this. His laughter was loud and vibrant today, echoing through the house and bringing happiness to my heart that I sure needed. If staying home tomorrow will bring that sound again that’s what we’ll do. Our life is not always easy to explain but the love sure is. Find your happiness and know that you can move mountains if you believe in yourself. Another one I need to remember. Smiles to all and donut daze!

The day started off rocky. But I saw the most amazing sight. Owen picked up the cut-up portion of his breakfast sandwich as one whole bite. I made him a sausage, egg, and cheese croissant. Usually, he picks at sandwiches and pulls them apart in pieces unless I remind him as he takes every bite to pick it up. He woke by two in the morning and that was that. He was in my face yelling about everything, wanting milk, and he was not going to his room or back to sleep. I stayed in bed listening to his happy screams at the top of his lungs with his tablet and then the tv. He was beside my bed again before I could even consider going to sleep. I was up completely at this point. A few minutes later with coffee in hand, I was ready to forage for food and look for a superhero cape or at least a Spider-Man costume. “Sit right here,” he said. I did. I wanted him as calm as possible today. I didn’t want the rollercoaster of emotions like yesterday. Not every moment of our day is only about him and yesterday, not one thing went the way I wanted it to or thought it would or needed it to. But I learned a lot about myself. And now to find a new pathway. Owen was watching a video on the tv. He’s figured out how to cast a video from his tablet to the tv so he gets it started on his tablet and then puts it on the tv and watches something else on his tablet at the same time. He was watching a recording of a video game on the tv and there was a bear with an outline of lips on his cheek and he said, “it’s a kiss.” I said, “can you give me a kiss on my cheek” and he came to me, looked at the bear, and then kissed my cheek. He is still figuring this out. For the longest time, he always thought a kiss was for me to give him and it could only be on his forehead. As the day wore on I was playing a game with him on his tablet and he took the tablet from me and said, “take a coffee break.” I think he really knew how much I needed it but I laughed because I didn’t think he knew that expression. He was watching a video and he started saying his interpretation of the words. “I so mad I so sad oh no that’s a sad face,” repeating the words over and over. He will then use these phrases when he is trying to communicate with me but they are not always relevant to what we are talking about. I have to connect his words to why he might be saying them or what they mean and he will randomly say words like “elephant” that have no connection to what we are talking about. I didn’t make the laundry mistake today but I did talk about the “blue pants” and how we had to be kind to people that aren’t wearing blue pants. I hope by continuing to talk about kindness it will make a difference with him. We grow, we learn, we love. I’m thankful for his progress today and I pray for a great day for him tomorrow. He doesn’t know it yet but if all goes according to plan he will see his grandma for a few hours tomorrow before his therapy. I have to remind myself of this but keep pushing forward and tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen slept until after six. He woke in a quiet mood but he was happy. “Be with mommy” was repeated over and over again. I said yes but we could go someplace. He screamed, “no.” When do you push, when do you sit? I feel like I have no answers anymore. He was very hungry, eating more than he has in days. He asked for exactly what he wanted and I love hearing that. It’s only a couple more weeks until he goes back to school. The routine, the structure will be so good for him. I tried to do small tasks today. It never seems like I accomplish enough to stay ahead of the tasks. But laundry was the task at hand. I do not know why I tried. It’s been one of Owen’s emotional triggers lately but staying up at night has not been as easy for me and “blue pants” have to be washed. His first meltdown was because I was folding towels. I stopped. Then I was trying to explain that if I don’t do laundry we can’t go places. This was not the way to explain it. The meltdown left me in tears and him laughing hysterically, walking away with his tablet, playing his game. How can this be so hard on my baby? Clothes are only supposed to be on the bed when we are getting dressed to go someplace. When did it get to this point, why didn’t I see this coming, how do I change this? And I’m sure I’m missing the point or the cues or the right answer. Once I sat, with no more laundry on the bed he was so happy. He heard thunder and ran to me, thinking I had moved. He wanted no more laundry done, no more unexpected movements from me, no extra words or suggestions of places to go or things to do. He wanted me to “sit right here” where he could see me and interact with me whenever he needed me to respond to one of his cues. So many emotions ran through my heart all day. I pray for guidance. I pray for strength. I pray for Owen’s maturity level and brain to catch up with each other. He asked me for a robot that sang “Old MacDonald” and he followed that with ones in Russian, Arabic, and German. He has what he wants in mind though because I’ve showed him several I could order and he runs from me. He has watched videos of the same one he has but the videos are in other languages so he thinks they come that way. I love that he is enthusiastic about playing with them though. Today was heavy. I told Owen “I love you” over and over. I want him to hear that more than my tears that wash down my face. I tried to focus on all the positive moments instead of my own sadness from all the corners of my world that he doesn’t even comprehend. Tomorrow is a brand new day. I try to focus on the plan God has in store for us instead of my own plan. Owen is already telling me he doesn’t want to go anywhere but hopefully, I can convince him otherwise. Maybe I can find a tall elevator somewhere and he’ll want to go. He requested to “watch the movie” as he fell asleep. He cycles through different choices of what he wants to watch and currently it’s the man playing the handpan drum that he calls “the movie.” He told me he loved me as he fell asleep. Our life is not always easy to explain but the love sure is. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!

A very sleepy Owen was standing next to my bed right about midnight. I had been drifting in and out of sleep at that point and noises had woken me several times so I figured they did for him too. He thankfully crawled into bed with me without so much as a word and went right back to sleep. From there he slept like a rocket ship flying from planet to planet. Part of the problem I suppose is all the pillows I have on my bed but even in his bed, it seems like he continues to do flips. He didn’t wake again until six and when he did he was very calm with one thing on his mind, the pool. I opened a cabinet door to get out the ingredients for our breakfast and it squeaked. Owen was in the living room. I quickly looked at him and he didn’t move or say a word. I still get anxious about his screams when something like a door squeaks. It’s taken us years to get through this one process for him. If he wasn’t screaming about the noise he was running all through the house asking who was here or staring out the window yelling for someone to go away. There are days I still have to say to him it’s the cabinet. Any noise is a noise to him and now that I’ve had several workers at our house for different reasons he is constantly asking about noises. He also associates certain days with different work that has been done. Now he thinks the roofers come on Thursdays. One day at a time I remind myself. He asked several times about the pool but he was truly calm about it. However, when it was time to go he put no effort forward to help me get him ready. I told him that neither one of us would be wearing blue pants to the pool. I talked to him again about kindness to others and we can’t be mad at someone for not wearing blue pants. I told him that we were not going to talk about what we were wearing to the pool except our “swimming suit”. We got going and he was doing good until he saw a bus and then he started talking about “be with mommy Monday be with mommy.” He doesn’t always understand how to process time and now that it’s August he is still not seeing his teacher yet he is seeing buses driving around. How do I even explain they are preparing for the year ahead or they are doing special activities? Once we got to the pool he was in complete focus on becoming one with Spider-Man and jumping into the pool all courtesy of a video he watches. Our friends got there a few minutes after we did and then we went to the pool. As soon as Owen saw the pool he started taking off his shoes as we were walking. I’m glad I had a grip on his arm because otherwise, he would be in that pool. The splash pad was past the pool. Trying to convince him to go there instead of jumping into the pool was almost impossible but somehow I did it. He wanted in the big pool. There was no way I was going to be able to take him in the pool by myself though. There were only ladders leading into the pool and he wanted to jump. I thought I saw a kiddie pool on the other side of the big pool so my friend went over and looked while I watched the boys. Thankfully it was and we took them to it. He did extremely well and I was only slightly frazzled. And to think we are going again soon. I will be doing more research on which pools are setup to better accommodate us. We got home and he asked about the pool several times and also told me we would be home until Thursday. I don’t think he wants any more surprise trips to North Carolina. He showed me a game he was playing and said, “blue pants” referencing what the character was wearing. I said if you want to talk about blue pants you’re going to have to talk to yourself. He took the tablet and said, “we talk about blue pants.” I can tell this is going to be a long process to figure it out. I was folding laundry on my bed again and he kept running back to my room to try to throw it on the floor. I said, “I will take care of it.” He came back into my room one more time and tried to grab the clothes. He said, “take a carrot” thinking that’s what I had said, and was able to knock some on the floor. I need a laundry room. He fell asleep quickly and I pray he sleeps through the night. Today was a good day for progress. I saw the little steps that he took and they were a big deal to my heart. Be kind to your soul and be proud of the steps that keep leading you forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Send up the flares Owen slept through the night. He woke a little before six and was very calm. He was even relatively quiet while my brain fought to catch up. He’s still planning for his week ahead and it feels good. He was ready to go to church but he was not ready to get dressed. He has started a new thing where he puts one leg in his pants but he will either walk around like this or pull them completely back off. It will take him five or six times to get to the point he keeps them on. His concern for what I was wearing and what he was wearing started about an hour before we were even getting ready. I am trying to get him to understand that we shouldn’t care about what someone is wearing but instead care about the person. I want him to think about his actions and reactions. I told him that we have to give our attention to someone’s heart, not to their clothing. I’m hoping that he will make the connection. I explained that I love him because he is amazing not because he is wearing certain clothes, trying to teach him that clothes do not make the person. I don’t have the answers but I pray that my words will at least impact him to try to refocus his blue pants energy. Before we left for church he had the rest of his juice and he dropped some on his shirt. I wiped it off with a wet rag. He was concerned that his shirt was wet. He ran to the bathroom and rubbed his towel near his shirt. He wasn’t close to the spot but it made him feel better that he was trying to dry it. I pushed forward. I told him it would dry with the air. Countless times this has kept us from leaving the house, having to change him before we could go. I told him we would be late if we didn’t go. I was trying to think of anything to get him out the door. When we got to church I showed Owen his shirt had dried. He was no longer concerned with it and didn’t even acknowledge my words or look down because he was focused on getting to his class. A calm washed over me sitting in church. I am only in control of my own actions and reactions. I have to remember this. The calm becomes chaotic as I let all the things, all the things come back into my vision but I know we can change like how his shirt dried. He has talked about going to the pool tomorrow with our friends. “I wear swimming suit,” he said. I said no one would be wearing blue pants. I went over this numerous times. As the day wore on he said multiple times he would wear his swimming suit. He wanted me to watch him play a video game so he told me “sit right here” motioning for me to sit on the chair near him. I love when he wants to do things with me. I was fixing his dinner and he said, “cut a string toenail.” This means his toenail is rough and he needs it filed or cut. I went to him and he was chewing on something. His dinner was not made yet. Let’s just say I still filed his toenail. He was watching a video and he said, “she has blue pants but we no talking bout blue pants we talking bout blue pants wear pedal pushers swimming suit” so I can tell he was thinking about it. His words and actions teach me how my words are interrupted by him. It is a learning process for me as much as it is for him. I’m thankful for everything he has taught me and what that has done for me. I am a better version of myself because of him. Embrace your own destiny and be the change you want to see in the world around you. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Trash can, blue pants, doorknob, make that doorknobs, laundry, bed, socks, spill, walk, car, pool, sad, happy, ABC, light, little red wagon, nighttime, it’s raining today, triangle, elephant, robot, tablet, help you crack an egg, and the list goes on and on and on and on. The rules run into the routine and my mind spins with all the things I have to keep track of. Owen was up by two, yelling that he was ready to go to grandma’s house. He wouldn’t get in bed with me and he wouldn’t go back to his bed. I told him he needed to go back to sleep if he wanted to go to grandma’s house in the morning. I explained to him that I needed sleep if he wanted to go. This just brought screams and him yelling for his tablet that wasn’t anywhere near me. After about an hour of him running back and forth, talking to me about his tablet I still didn’t have, and him informing me he was going to watch tv in his room, he got into bed with me. This lasted until about four but no part of it would be considered restful or sleeping, the conversation continued. It was like a waterfall that leads into a roller coaster that blasts you into the sky. I could tell there was going to be no more sleeping. The coffeepot could not make the coffee fast enough. The hours ticked away slowly until it was time to go. My heart aches for all the steps it takes for us to get out of the house and on the road. We made it out the door pretty quickly in a relative sense but then everything came to a screeching halt. There was a car parked in the wrong spot. Technically maybe two. One really wasn’t parked for long but it sat near our car. They looked like they were trying to figure out where they were going or maybe reading their phone. The other car was more of the concern though. It was near where the lady with the dog should be. I was waiting for Owen to yell about the car or the woman that hasn’t been standing there for years but he didn’t yell he just wouldn’t sit in his seat correctly so I could buckle him in. Minutes and minutes and minutes went by. If I push this he screams, if I don’t push it he remains calm but it takes forever for us to move forward. About five or more minutes went by before I could get him in his seat. This felt quick for the process. People do not understand the impact they have on my son by parking on our street, how could they, but he sure knows. I don’t know why certain cars set him off and others don’t. I’m not sure if I will ever know why the lady with the dog on the corner became so important to him over the years but I can tell you it means something to Owen and no matter what I say or do he has to process it and that’s that. Like he will yell “help me crack an egg.” He hasn’t played the game he is referring to in maybe a year and all week he has asked me to help him with this game that he isn’t even playing. Blue pants and cracked eggs are his focus now. He came running to me because one of the characters in a video did not have blue pants on. I took the tablet and tried a different approach or maybe it was the same. I told him if he didn’t want to see people in other pants then he couldn’t watch his tablet. He stopped yelling, even if it was for a second he stopped yelling about the blue pants. I breathe. I keep telling him he has a choice. He can let blue pants be his focus or he can use that energy to learn more about the languages he loves or the music he wants to play. He had a great time with his grandma and he was pretty calm on the way home except for the stoplights not being triangles and me not taking him by the windows. I however prayed for the rain to stop as a few raindrops fell on my car because all I could do was imagine if my blue pants got rained on and thankfully it stopped. The lamp on my nightstand was angled differently and the laundry was still on my bed when we came home. These were up for debate. He mentioned church tomorrow, going to the pool with our friends on Monday, elevators on Tuesday, be with mommy Wednesday, and therapy Thursday. I asked what about Friday and he screamed. One day at a time and I’m thankful for all the progress forward. The progress is in the process and for him to even be able to say all the places he wants to go this week is huge. As long as he keeps believing it is July he is doing better. He was exhausted and fell asleep quickly. I pray tonight he sleeps better. Follow your dreams forward and let go of yesteryear. Smiles to all and donut daze!

This glorious streak of sleeping is amazing. Owen slept until well after seven. He even slept through me going to the bathroom and getting coffee. He even slept through me checking on him because he slept through me going to the bathroom and getting coffee. He rarely sleeps through noise of any kind. To say he was tired last night is an understatement. I’m thankful he was able to sleep so soundly. When he woke he was still sleepy but listened to me when I said to go to the bathroom first before he sat down. He gave me a big hug and then went to the bathroom. I’m glad he was calm when he woke. He had a few things on his mind and he didn’t let me forget them all day. It was Friday and he was going to “be with mommy” and he talked about his therapist’s blue pants. He didn’t see her yesterday and she hardly wears blue pants. This might be why he wants to talk about them so much. His other two therapists wear them occasionally so maybe that’s why he doesn’t reference them. He wanted me to interact with him a lot throughout the day. He however only wanted to listen when he wanted to listen. I was in the middle of cooking our breakfast once again and he wanted me to “sit right here.” I told him that after we ate I would. He likes to have me sit while he watches videos. He finished before me because he didn’t eat the food he asked for. He was full of connections and excitement as the day went on. He was playing a game on his tablet and the character stands on a spot and like a little rocket blasted up into the sky. He said, “liftoff” after counting down to watch the little animal fly off the screen. He followed it up with “boo hoo” quoting the game because he won against the character and it was sad. He had Alexa and Siri competing to see who could translate quicker. And they both know that when he requests “buffalo in spinach” that they should say it in Spanish. He had a pretty good day but he was very adamant about staying home. I think he associates Fridays with us traveling to North Carolina. He wanted to make sure we were not going anywhere. He talked about wanting to ride the train but as soon as I said we could go he said, “no ride train today.” I told him it wouldn’t be until next week but he started screaming so I distracted him and asked him about his tablet. My expectations, the world’s expectations, and his expectations are not all the same. I try to not linger or sit in thought about my expectations of activities or things he might like to do but I continue to overthink the outcome of it all. I try not to even think about the world’s expectations, instead, I focus on making Owen happy and learning how I can make his expectations come true within the boundaries of keeping him safe, content, and growing. My emotions weigh heavy when his screams echo through our walls. Today most of his screams were happy screams except when our internet went in and out. Only a few more weeks and he will be back in school. I’m praying routine will set right back in for us and that will help him with some of the things he is struggling with. I’m thankful he is sleeping better and I pray tonight is one more night we can click off the list. It’s Friday though and he is already planning his Saturday with grandma. Be happy in your soul and know that you can make a difference in the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I heard Owen’s robots at about six in the morning. I thought I’ll take it, six o’clock works for me. I’m often faced with the questions of what he understands and what he doesn’t. Sometimes I think he understands the terminology but he doesn’t understand that he is supposed to respond to my questions or he doesn’t understand how to respond to my questions. I have always had two-sided conversations with him, giving him both the question and the response. I was fixing breakfast and he said, “sit right here” wanting me to watch the video he had on the tv with him. It was a cartoon alarm clock and he was talking about all the features it had and I started asking him if he knew what his eyes, ears, mouth, and nose do. I explained each to him and he said, “how do you say six o’clock in Arabic?” He then got all his robots going and asked me once again to get them in numerous languages. Any amount of clutter that isn’t in the normal clutter spot causes it to be hard on Owen yet we have clutter everywhere. Currently, there are four robots, a talking Mickey Mouse, a talking Elmo, a toy microwave, and various other such toys on our couch but as soon as I put a box on my bed it caused a huge meltdown. He was so upset, yelling, “no box today.” I moved the box to the table in my room and he was fine. He ran off to play. He is constantly running to make sure I’m doing an approved task. If it is not something he can handle he screams. Some days it’s constant, some days he doesn’t care what I’m doing because most likely I’m sitting. The emotions are jarring. This is my sweet baby O. I feel the progress and I feel the overwhelming sensation of being overwhelmed by both of us. He can’t handle too many distractions unless they are the distractions he needs. He’s not trying to necessarily control me but control what he can handle. The fine line I walk through is knowing whether I’m reading the situation right and what I push so that we both can grow and learn from it all. “Sleep tight,” he said, turning off my light in the middle of the day. The lights still continue to be a problem for him. I breathe. He had his therapy today and he seemed to be a little tired but he did fine they said. All day he brought up not wanting to go to the pool. He was the one that kept bringing it up. When we got home he said again he wasn’t going to the pool and I said he didn’t have to but I was going to see what he would say. These were the wrong words. He wanted me to sit and he sat with me. He kept repeating “Friday be with mommy.” This is where everything is hard for me to figure out. He saw the pool the other day and immediately wanted to go in it but we had an appointment. I told him we could go another day but since then he is very adamant about the fact he doesn’t want to go. I will see what happens tomorrow. One day at a time. I didn’t mention any more adventures for us and he had a great night even though he mentioned every few minutes he was not going to the pool. He listened to me when I said it was bedtime and was out within minutes. I hope that we can go to the pool tomorrow if the rain stays away and he decides he wants to go but I’m not pushing it. I overthink and still don’t have all the answers so I pray more. I’m thankful for all the words he said, the songs he sang, and the hugs he gave me. The littlest of steps can lead to the biggest of victories. Be proud of any step forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!