I’m liking this sleeping in. Even if it’s twenty minutes, I’m liking it. The last couple of days Owen has slept a little later and I’ve had to make noise for him to get up for school. I’ll take it. It’s such a different experience for me. He was very calm this morning after a rollercoaster ride of emotions for the last few days. Out of routine is out of routine. It has been wonderful visiting with our family but it has also been hard on Owen because his days of the week need to go according to plan, his plan. He mostly handled the last few days without too many meltdowns but I’m always on edge waiting for them to happen. This morning he showed me a picture of a seal, and he said, “it’s a seal it’s groundhog like a seal.” His vocabulary and connection to sentence structure are increasing. We went out to wait for the bus and he was hoping our neighbor would come out. He was over the moon when she did. He loves telling her goodbye and then running on the sidewalk while she drives away. Once she was gone he went back to watching for his bus. He would occasionally run back to me to make sure I was picking him up from school. Once he left I went to breakfast with my family for my birthday. It was great to be with them. It truly does your heart good to be around people that love you for who you are and make you laugh. I tried to think of all the smiles my brother would give me and the eye rolls I would give him with his funny, not so funny humor. I thought about the phone call I knew I wouldn’t get today but I tried instead to replace it with all the memories I had from our past and the joy I felt from being with my family. I went to pick Owen up from school and he was excited about going to therapy. He did great at each session and it helps me remember how much he has grown in the last few years. When we left there I asked him if he wanted to go to dinner with our family. At first, he said, “chicken in the drive-thru” and then he said, “no dinner today.” He wanted me to drive by the windows so I took him several times and then it was one too many and I could tell it was time to go home. He immediately took his shoes off, grabbed his tablet, and went to lie down in his bed. I knew he needed the routine of his Thursday. If I had pushed us to go to dinner he probably would have been upset and had a meltdown. He had a great rest of his night and was calm. He wanted his bath and his night was complete. I’m thankful for a good day and to see his growth. Be brave in yourself and keep moving forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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Rinse, repeat, meltdown. Some days just feel hard. I’m staring at the clock and it read 9:52 PM. Tears instantly fell from my eyes. I watched it change over to the next minute and I thought about it more. Today I’m 52, tomorrow I’ll be 53, and that was the age when my brother passed away. So much sadness filled my heart so quickly. I can hear his word though. He always told me to just keep moving forward so I wipe away my tears and I concentrate on my day. It was a hard day for Owen and it was a great day for Owen. Mixed emotions all around. He woke around our usual time, but he was slow to get out of bed and then he still wanted the same amount of time to get ready. We sat together for a while and he was very calm. Then we got ready for school and he was a bit agitated. I took him out to wait for the bus and he was very concerned with the neighbor and what she was going to be doing. He first saw the other bus that comes through our neighborhood and thought it was his but he quickly realized that his bus had not come yet. I was glad when it didn’t upset him because I could tell he was a little anxious about it. He knew when he came home from school he would be going to ride his bike or bowling. This also can translate into we’re not going anywhere and he’s taking a bath. He was excited about going because he knew he was going to see his grandma and our other relatives. I didn’t really think about it and when he got home from school, we went straight to grandmas house after he ate his snack. On the way to her house, he went back and forth on what he wanted to do. Technically I knew once we got to grandmas we would not be going anywhere. He said he still wanted to bowl and he said he still wanted to ride his bike but he didn’t ride his bike until the very end when we were getting ready to leave. He told us to order pizza for dinner but that means he doesn’t want to eat anything. He likes the idea of ordering food or items, but he doesn’t always respond to the actual food or item. Once we ate our pizza, we were getting ready to go and he said he wanted to ride his bike. So we stayed a a few minutes longer. I had him ride his little bike and it’s more for balance. We said our goodbyes, and we headed home. About halfway there he had a huge meltdown about where we were and that he wanted to sit on the other side of the car. I believe this started when he rode on the other side of the bus. And now this continues with the car. The meltdown continued when the building he wanted to see with letters has now been destroyed and taken down. This sent him into a huge meltdown and kept repeating all of the things that he wanted to see, did see, and couldn’t see. When we got home, he would not get out of the vehicle and he kept talking about going to see the bridge flags and the green stop sign. It’s hard to explain to him that we can’t go to all of the places he wants to go to in one day. I’m thankful after a few minutes I was able to get him out of the car and to stop screaming. Then I got him into the house. I breathe. I count to ten and I always want Owen to count to ten with me. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. One day at a time, one breath at a time, and one step forward. Each day that feels heavy also feels emotional. There were still victories in that day and today there were victories they just weighed heavy on my heart. He didn’t want the pizza, but he wanted chicken when we came home. I knew he would. After he finished eating, we got ready for bed and he quickly fell asleep. I know it’s been a hard week for him without his normal routine but he has also enjoyed it and so have I. Learning to live through chaos and calmness all in one day can be very emotional. The journey is not always easy to explain but the love sure it is. And every day is joined with emotions but it’s how we take those emotions and apply them to learning, loving, and growing that is what matters. I’m thankful for his growth. I’m thankful that he wants to ride his bike. And I’m thankful that he’s teaching me so much about the world. Find what makes you smile, share your story, and share ours. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The day started before it really ended, well, yesterday ended I suppose. Owen got up to go to the bathroom and went back to bed. It felt like a huge victory. It was somewhere around midnight and he actually got out of bed to go to the bathroom. His body told him to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and he did it. Completely feels like a huger than huge victory. He went to the bathroom and then came to me to get his tablet. This is when all the next little victories happened. He realized my hair was wet and he didn’t scream. He acknowledged it and moved on. He then asked for his tablet again. I told him that is was nighttime and he had to go back to sleep. Off he went to his bed, not even questioning it. I’m beyond thankful for these victories. He was tired when he woke but in a better mood than yesterday, I think. He was ready to get out the door for school and when we went to wait for the bus he was concerned about our neighbor and if she was leaving. I tried to explain to him I don’t know her schedule but he wanted answers. This is hard because I don’t have the answers. He was happy when he saw the bus and off he went. When he got home he immediately started looking for his radio on the table that hasn’t been there in years because he wanted it gone and it caused so many meltdowns. After he looked for the radio he took one of his books from the shelf and put it in the middle of the floor where he likes it to be. I had put it away earlier. I fixed his snack and told him we were going someplace after he was done. We had relatives that came to visit and he was going to see his grandparents. I didn’t tell him until we were almost there. I asked him if he knew where we were going and he kept telling me he wanted to go to tortoise’s house. I am not sure who tortoise is, but he wanted to go there. He was very excited when he realized where we were going. He was able to spend a little time with his grandma by himself, and that made him even happier. We stayed for a few hours and then we came home to get ready for bed. He is already planning for his day tomorrow and wants to go bowling after school. Bedtime went pretty smoothly with him, only coming to tell me he needed a hug one time. I’m thankful for the victories throughout the day and the time that we got to spend with our family. Each day is a gift and sometimes I have to remember the little things are what’s important. Seeing the smiles from all of my family that’s what matters and I’m thankful for the day. Embrace your victories, rejoice in the moment, and know they matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Happy and cranky, mixed with excitement and impatience and probably many other things is how we started our day. Owen woke a few minutes early but I was awake even earlier than that. He was ready, more than ready to get back to school. He is on the mend but his need for sensory input is still way up there. Plus he screams and makes a lot more noises when he is not feeling well. I’m sure it has to do with the pressure in his head but I know it is hard on him. This morning he sat as tight in a ball as he could, squished up against me, needing the input. We got dressed and he couldn’t wait to get outside to see if our neighbor was going to get in her car so he could tell her “bye bye have a good day at school” repeating her words that she says. He was excited but also anxious about the bus coming. He wanted it to be there right away. When he saw it thought he was so happy. He knew when he came home he was going to vision therapy. He loves going and I believe it is helping. Maybe not as much for his blue pants quest to have everyone in them but for the tracking and concentration with his eyes. He was excited to go but as we were waiting for his appointment I could once again tell he was on high alert and needed input. The repetitive behaviors and squealing noises were heightened. He did pretty well in his appointment, finishing some of the exercises but he was very interested in restarting her computer. He gets fixated on a particular screen and wanted to see it constantly. On the way home he wanted to go by the windows and he then wanted to go to church. I know that he is still missing his routine from the last few days. As soon as we walked into the house he asked to take his bath and he didn’t want to get out. He kept screaming that the water was “too hot” but then he says “make it hotter please.” He has a hard time with descriptive words and how to use them. Once I got the water just right he started trying to drink the bath water. I can’t convince him to drink regular water but he always wants to drink soapy bath water. When he got out of the bath he requested waffles for dinner and for me to find the “pancake book” on a video that shows no pancakes or books. I have a feeling this is like turning “right at the kangaroo.” Bedtime came quickly and it only took him one time to come out and tell me that he was going to bed before he went to bed. He told me he is going to ride his bike tomorrow and go bowling on Wednesday. We shall see how that goes. I can’t wait until he is back to his hundred-percent self. I’m thankful for his laugh and that big huge smile. Dream big and make your heart content. Smiles to all and donut daze!
All day long I kept saying to myself how thankful I was that Owen got into the doctor when he did and we got his antibiotics started right away. He woke up still a little sluggish but he slept until after seven and I wanted to rejoice some more. He sure needed the sleep. He woke in a great mood though. Yesterday we discussed that we would not be going to church. And then we discussed it again and again and again. He asked a couple of times this morning but moved on from it pretty quickly and I was also thankful for that. I hate when his routine gets disrupted but we are working with him to help him understand that life happens when you have something else planned. He was watching a video this morning and it had musical notes flying across the screen. He said, “notes” and I told him that’s what he uses when he plays his instruments and sings. He stood next to me so I kept explaining how notes work. I told him that he could learn more songs when he learns how the keys work and the melodies with the notes. He has an amazing voice when he is singing in his real voice and not rushing through it. He harmonizes amazingly. I was super excited when he started vividly describing the toy he was playing with. He went through the designs it had on it and what it does. I love the connections he is making. He was watching more videos and started dancing. He was singing the song and said, “you gotta fly fly” and kept dancing. It’s incredible to watch him dance and I’m thankful for his growth. By the end of the day, I could tell he was feeling much better. He was playing on his pizzeria app. He ran to me and asked me for pizza for dinner. I at first thought he was just talking about it because of the app but he said, “I’m coming I gotta cook it” and took me to the kitchen. He will use my words trying to explain what he wants. He was very happy with our pizza for dinner and ate all of his. Sleep was a little hard to come by because he can’t wait to go to school tomorrow. I’m so glad he was feeling better and had a great day. The dream for tomorrow is expanding on the possibilities of today. Never give up. Keep focused on the hope for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Over and over and over as the day went on I was very thankful I was able to get Owen into the doctor yesterday and get him started on the antibiotics. I’m also very thankful he slept all night and so did I. He woke after six but I could tell he was still exhausted. I know I was too. He was a mix of being hyper and not feeling well all in one ball. He was attached to my hip for most of the day. I could tell he needed a lot of sensory input. The screaming is one of the hardest parts. Anytime he is sick his screaming and repetitive behaviors become more intense. I’m sure it has to do with how his body is feeling but it is hard because it is constant. He stood next to me yelling “help” at me but as soon as I tried to get up or ask him what he needed help with he screamed more, then he would stand there and laugh. He likes for me to read the caption of a video and then ask the voice-activated option to show more videos like it. He doesn’t want to do it any of the other ways. He can ask for many videos himself but if he can’t read the caption he wants me to help him. The key to this is that he will watch the video for maybe fifteen seconds and then wants to request a new video. He is looking for very specific parts of videos but I could not even begin to understand how he does it or what in particular he is looking for. He can somehow find exactly what he is looking for and watch ten seconds of it and be very happy. Then he will watch it over and over again. He watched a video on the robot toy he likes. The toy has a red mouth but in the video it had a black mouth. He saw the character and said, “red mouth” and told me about his. I’m always impressed by his attention to detail. Even though his vocabulary is increasing he doesn’t always have the connection to words he needs to explain how he is feeling. He walked into the bathroom and he wiped his eyes. He said, “do your eyes hurt” saying it like how I would ask him. I’m thankful he can tell me in his way when he is not feeling well. My little book reader was pulling out all his books and he was mad because we don’t have all the There Was An Old Lady series. He reads them with his speech teacher. She has tons of them and lets him pick out which one he wants to read. He was running through the house asking for his favorites using his famous line “order it.” I told him I can’t order them all but we could order another one. He fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow the second or third time he got up. I lost count. I’m praying he feels better tomorrow. Laugh when you feel like crying, dance when you feel like sitting, and know those victories will come that you have been waiting for. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Not much sleep happened for Owen but at least he didn’t throw up again through the night. He had a fever when he woke so I knew I was going to call to make an appointment with his doctor. Thankfully when I called they could get him in at ten. Even though he’s been sick he has not lost any of his energy. He played all morning and he couldn’t wait to see his doctor. He ran through the house yelling her name. I always wanted him to understand that his doctors and therapists are here to help us and that when we go to appointments they will take certain steps to make us feel better. I didn’t want him to be scared so I explained all the steps I could and worked on exercises of what to do when he was there. He especially likes going to see her because he gets to “ride on de elevator.” He loves watching elevator repair videos on YouTube. He tells me all the time what he thinks needs a screwdriver to fix something. And it’s not always what can be fixed with a screwdriver. If the TV is too loud, “gotta get a screwdriver.” He does also use it appropriately too. When we got to his appointment he was still running a fever and after she went through all the steps she put him on antibiotics. I’m thankful she did because I could tell his cough was getting worse throughout the day. When we got home he was concerned with everything he was missing and I was sad for him too. I am trying to help him with the repetitive behaviors and words. He also has a team working with him as well. He kept repeating the same thing to me about his days ahead so I kept repeating the word “purple” to him and he said, “one and done mommy.” The word “purple” has always been my code word for him to pay attention or to rethink what he is going through. When he is in a meltdown I try to get his mind to focus on something else so I say “purple” and then start rapid-firing questions if counting and breathing don’t calm him. I always tell him that he is amazing and he can train his brain to find calm. I want him to know he has the power and he can do it. He had more congestion, coughing, and fever as the night wore on but thankfully no more throwing up. He was calm and happy through the night. He’s laughed a lot and wanted a lot of sensory input. He also read several books with me. I’m thankful we are moving forward and praying the medicine acts quickly for him. When all else fails succeed at something else. You can do it. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Some days feel so typical yet nothing feels the same. Today topped the list. This time I was the one that woke up early and Owen woke right on time. He reminded me that I was going to pick him up from school and I told him I would. He then told me multiple other times but that’s how he processes everything. He was happy as we sat there and he was showing me different videos he was watching. It was time to get ready and he said, “two more five minutes.” It’s always interesting to me what he says. We went outside to wait for the bus and he was excited that the neighbor came out to get in her car. He loves being able to tell her bye bye. The smile that washes across his face when he sees the bus is amazing. As the day wore on the therapy place called to tell me that one of his sessions was cancelled. When I went to pick him up we had extra time and he was asking for chocolate milk. I went and got him some and then we went to his therapy session. He did fine with his first session and then during his second session he was on the swing and he got sick. On the way home he seemed better and I was praying that it was a one time thing and he got sick from being on the swing. when we got home, he requested dinner, and he ate some of it. As the night went on I thought for sure that it was just him being sick from the swing and then a few minutes before he went to bed he threw up again. I am really sad for him because he was supposed to go to the Special Olympics tomorrow and he was also going to see one of our friends and now neither can happen. I’m praying this bug will be gone soon. Depending on how he feels in the morning I will take him to the doctor. He was sad when he went to bed and he kept coming to me and saying that he was going to be with mommy and not go to school tomorrow. He then said he was sad that he wasn’t going to be at the Special Olympics. I pray that overnight he feels better, but he’ll still miss going to school tomorrow. I looked back over the day and I know he was very clingy this morning so I wonder if he was already getting sick. I’m thankful for how far he has come. Even through the valleys, there is always hope on the other side. Smiles to all and donut daze!
An emotional day of emotions was what we had. The beginning, middle, and end were the true rollercoastery ride. He woke up very early, wanted to talk about school, and then asked for his tablet. I told him to go back to bed and he said, “sure go get your tablet,” saying my words back to me that I’ve said to him before when we’ve worked through different exercises together. He amazes me with his memory. We sat together watching his videos and then it was time for him to go to school. The calm of the morning turned into a rollercoaster of an afternoon. When he got off the bus he talked to me about all the things we could go to but as soon as we got inside it was instant meltdown and screaming. I’m not even sure what it was about but he was mad on top of it. I knew I needed to help calm him down or we were in for a long night. I had him sit with me. This was not an easy task and didn’t last long. He knows that he isn’t supposed to throw things but his tablet went flying across the room. I sat him back down with me and reminded him that we needed to breathe. He started singing his song that I made up years ago trying to help him through his meltdowns and then he started counting. We had to go through these moments numerous times before he was calm. I then held him in a little ball in my arms and I could tell it was all melting away. He needs that sensory input sometimes to push through those meltdowns. He didn’t want to go anywhere at this point and I fixed him his snack. After that, it was a pretty calm evening. When he has rough days like this I want to make sure he understands that we have to work through this together. I remind him he is stronger than these meltdowns and he is in control of his emotions. I make sure he knows that I love him and I work on more communication exercises with him. I also go over kindness and grace, and what that means for other people. If he can add those emotions to his mindset when he is going through the meltdowns it will help. I tell him that screaming is not something we do at each other. I’m thankful he doesn’t have as many meltdowns as he did before but they are louder now. I also want him to make these connections now because when he reaches the teenage years his hormones will take over some of this. He spent the rest of the night watching the kids' cooking shows and eating multiple dinners. His prayer for tonight was “Dear God, I’m thankful for Mom, Amen” and mine was for Owen. I heard him talking himself to sleep, “itsy bitsy spider piggy bank coins moon and the stars” and then it got quiet. I’m thankful he was able to find his calm in a hard moment. Strength is what you own from all the days that you have traveled. You are stronger than you think. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen woke with his usual mission. He was ready for school and I’m thankful he likes to go. I cannot believe school will be out for the summer at the end of this month. My heart aches knowing how much he loves school and thrives with the routine. We sat together reading this morning as we waited to get ready for school. “Depot depot,” he said repeatedly and then I started asking him questions about it. What do you like about it, I asked. “Railroad tracks,” he started with and then said, “check for trains loopedy loop blue house brown blue house.” I like that he is starting to process conversations and interacting with me. I said, “can you spell horse” and he said, “neigh neigh.” He went on to spell several words for me. We stood out waiting for the bus and our neighbor came out to leave. When she drove away Owen went through a whole conversation about it. He said, “she’s leaving she left.” I like how he is processing the difference. Not long after that, he was off to school. When he came home he immediately wanted to give the bathroom a shower. I mean he wanted to take a bath. I truly believe the entire bathroom should be waterproof. He had fun in the bubbles and didn’t want to get out. When he came to the kitchen he saw the bananas on the counter. “Bananas in the trash,” he said. I told him no that I would eat them. It took us years to get through bananas causing him hours of meltdowns so now I will randomly get them so he will see them. I want to have the conversations so that he understands his emotions and that bananas aren’t something he necessarily can avoid like the blue pants. It’s hard to imagine why a banana causes him so much pain . Especially when it was a food he absolutely loved. One day he will be able to tell me why it upsets him. Increasing his conversation skills will help him to be able to make those connections to why he does not like something. He was pretty calm the rest of the night and ate a big dinner. He asked to take several more baths before bedtime, but I told him he would have to take another one tomorrow. He was pretty tired so he only came out to talk to me one time before he fell asleep. I’m thankful for the conversations we are now having in the morning and the connections he is making to words. The path we walk may not always lead us to the destination we were supposed to go, but the adventure may be the destination after all. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
April 2024
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