Rinse, repeat, meltdown. Some days just feel hard. I’m staring at the clock and it read 9:52 PM. Tears instantly fell from my eyes. I watched it change over to the next minute and I thought about it more. Today I’m 52, tomorrow I’ll be 53, and that was the age when my brother passed away. So much sadness filled my heart so quickly. I can hear his word though. He always told me to just keep moving forward so I wipe away my tears and I concentrate on my day. It was a hard day for Owen and it was a great day for Owen. Mixed emotions all around. He woke around our usual time, but he was slow to get out of bed and then he still wanted the same amount of time to get ready. We sat together for a while and he was very calm. Then we got ready for school and he was a bit agitated. I took him out to wait for the bus and he was very concerned with the neighbor and what she was going to be doing. He first saw the other bus that comes through our neighborhood and thought it was his but he quickly realized that his bus had not come yet. I was glad when it didn’t upset him because I could tell he was a little anxious about it. He knew when he came home from school he would be going to ride his bike or bowling. This also can translate into we’re not going anywhere and he’s taking a bath. He was excited about going because he knew he was going to see his grandma and our other relatives. I didn’t really think about it and when he got home from school, we went straight to grandmas house after he ate his snack. On the way to her house, he went back and forth on what he wanted to do. Technically I knew once we got to grandmas we would not be going anywhere. He said he still wanted to bowl and he said he still wanted to ride his bike but he didn’t ride his bike until the very end when we were getting ready to leave. He told us to order pizza for dinner but that means he doesn’t want to eat anything. He likes the idea of ordering food or items, but he doesn’t always respond to the actual food or item. Once we ate our pizza, we were getting ready to go and he said he wanted to ride his bike. So we stayed a a few minutes longer. I had him ride his little bike and it’s more for balance. We said our goodbyes, and we headed home. About halfway there he had a huge meltdown about where we were and that he wanted to sit on the other side of the car. I believe this started when he rode on the other side of the bus. And now this continues with the car. The meltdown continued when the building he wanted to see with letters has now been destroyed and taken down. This sent him into a huge meltdown and kept repeating all of the things that he wanted to see, did see, and couldn’t see. When we got home, he would not get out of the vehicle and he kept talking about going to see the bridge flags and the green stop sign. It’s hard to explain to him that we can’t go to all of the places he wants to go to in one day. I’m thankful after a few minutes I was able to get him out of the car and to stop screaming. Then I got him into the house. I breathe. I count to ten and I always want Owen to count to ten with me. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. One day at a time, one breath at a time, and one step forward. Each day that feels heavy also feels emotional. There were still victories in that day and today there were victories they just weighed heavy on my heart. He didn’t want the pizza, but he wanted chicken when we came home. I knew he would. After he finished eating, we got ready for bed and he quickly fell asleep. I know it’s been a hard week for him without his normal routine but he has also enjoyed it and so have I. Learning to live through chaos and calmness all in one day can be very emotional. The journey is not always easy to explain but the love sure it is. And every day is joined with emotions but it’s how we take those emotions and apply them to learning, loving, and growing that is what matters. I’m thankful for his growth. I’m thankful that he wants to ride his bike. And I’m thankful that he’s teaching me so much about the world. Find what makes you smile, share your story, and share ours. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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