“Be with mommy” sang in my mind throughout the day. Owen slept until almost five before he came to my bed only to tell me that he was going back to the “blue bed” which he didn’t. He told me “be with mommy” as he ran to the living room to get his tablet. I immediately squashed that idea and told him he needed to go potty before he could have his tablet. He wasn’t thrilled with my suggestions but he went. When I was walking back to my room with coffee in hand I look to see Owen carrying something towards me. He handed me his Alexa and walked off. I got it for his room because we could talk to each other but he does not like that he can hear me on it. I also thought he might want to talk to it in all the languages but he doesn’t like this one because it has a screen. He was very interactive with me throughout the day. When it was time to read our book he wanted to read one that we read yesterday but I wanted him to read something different because he has it memorized. He knows so many of them that I got him new ones that he hasn’t seen before. He was watching a video of a game on YouTube that he had projected to the tv. I finally was able to locate the app on his tablet and downloaded it. I showed him the app and he was so happy. We had spent about an hour watching the video together when I finally was able to figure it out. When he started playing it on his tablet he would run to me and tell me the different things the characters would say. He made his voice sound like them. He said, “boo hoo they lost”. The game said, “it’s a tornado” and he said, “it’s a tomato”. He ate dinner and then he picked up his tablet before I could get him to wash his hands. I told him we needed to clean up first and he ran to get me a paper towel, dragging the whole roll towards as they all stayed hooked together. I was excited he thought through it though and wanted me to have a paper towel. I got a new type of tablet charger that has a magnetic connection hoping he wouldn’t keep breaking them and learn that they need charged. I’ve been showing him how to do it for the last few days and when his tablet battery went out he put it on the new charger himself without even telling me. Lots of progress for the day. He was very upset because someone was parked in front of our house and they didn’t come to visit us. He started crying and couldn’t stop. I tried to explain that they were visiting someone else but he was so upset. He cried at the window for an hour. Every time I tried to get him away from the window it would be only for a minute and he would run right back to it, yelling out to the woman that was no longer there. Sleep finally won and I was able to get him to go to bed but he cried himself to sleep in my arms. It is so hard for him to understand that we live in a very busy area and not everyone is there to see us. He has gone through this so many times before but now the huge tears falling down his cheeks are so hard for me to see. It breaks my heart how upset he gets. I’ve considered putting film over my windows but I need him to also be able to work through his emotions. I tried to stay strong for him while he was crying but now that he has fallen asleep as many tears that he cried are trickling down my face. I kept telling him they would come another day. The only way I got him to bed was to remind him that he gets to see his teacher tomorrow. I know he will be excited to see her. Then when he gets home from school we are going to the eye doctor for his yearly exam and to see about getting his lenses tinted. He will be excited to go. I’m thankful for his happy smile today and the laughter that filled my soul with joy. Know that you can accomplish your dreams if you set your mind to them. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Our Saturday night felt like how our Friday nights usually go. Owen was up by three and that was that. Nothing I could say or do would convince him otherwise. He said he was going back to the blue bed but he didn’t. He stood at the tv with his hands on his ears and turned up the volume so that I think one of the space stations could hear what he was watching. I wish there was a way to keep the volume lower. He was in a good mood all morning. I talked to him about going to church and that we needed to focus on saying “good morning” and “how are you today” instead of the color of pants someone had on. I told him that if he got upset about people’s blue pants we would have to sit in the car until it no longer upset him. I’m trying to find other ways for him to have conversations with people and make him understand that not everyone wants to wear blue pants. He did so much better this time. When we got to his classroom he started talking about blue pants but it was good that he waited until then to talk about it. It felt like progress. I try not to overthink about the blue pants but I have to keep ahead of it. When we left church he wanted “ten chicken nuggets and a cheeseburger please”. When we got home with it he asked for french fries. He said he didn’t want fries until we got home but he never really eats them. He was very calm as the afternoon went on. I asked him to go someplace with me and he kept screaming “no” so I moved on. I told him we could go somewhere tomorrow since he was off from school. The same response was given. We played games and read in the morning before church. I asked him if he wanted to read more with me and the “no” trend continued. He ate a lot of food today. It took him a while to eat his chicken nuggets and cheeseburger but as soon as he was done more food was requested. He was tired tonight and practically fell asleep in the tub. I got him in bed and he was out quick. I’m hoping for sleep for all tonight. One day at a time I remind myself. I’m thankful he had such a good day because that makes this momma have a great day. Be bold, be beautiful, be you. Smiles to all and donut daze!

The day almost seems like a blur. Owen slept mostly all night. He got into bed with me at some point and from there thankfully he became my burrito baby stealing all of my covers once again but he slept, on a Friday night. That’s what matters. He woke in a good mood and knew he was going to grandma’s house today. I asked him to read a book with me this morning and he said, “no”. I let it go for a while and then I asked again. He got one of his books and he sat on the couch before I got next to him he started reading. I didn’t stop him. Full steam ahead. There was nothing fast about our morning though. When it was time to leave he told me “no” once again. I try not to push him because that makes it worse. When he finally got to grandma’s he had a wonderful time and really enjoyed it. He played outside on his balance bike and rode on the car rollercoaster. When I went to pick him up we stayed for a few more hours. He seems like he is using bigger words lately even if he doesn’t always reference them in a sentence correctly. He said “it’s congruent” when we were getting ready. I asked him what was congruent and he said, “grapes”. I’m not sure how he even knows the word or why he thinks grapes are congruent but I went with it. The rest of the evening went pretty quickly. He ate a lot and expressed exactly what he wanted. I was making his requested shrimp and veggies and he asked for “white cheese please”. The white cheddar cheese has cranberries in it and he loves it. When we were leaving grandma’s house she was going to give us goldfish crackers to bring home. He took the bag from me and handed it back to my mom telling her “no goldfish today”. He is learning to make choices and express his mind. He fell asleep quickly and he had one thing on his mind before, during, and after he went to grandma’s and that was what he was doing tomorrow, church. He can’t wait for church. Thankful for his growth and his great big smile that makes me so happy. Find your strength, know that you can do amazing things, and remind yourself you can do it. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I don’t even think I remember when Owen got into bed with me but I do remember when he stole all my covers. He woke up in a good mood and hardly gave me any directions. I was able to get my coffee with the lights on and he remained calm. I asked him to pick out a book and bring it to me. He ran to his books and I could hear him reading as soon as he picked it up. It’s becoming more routine for him. I’m trying to find activities that will carry us through the summer. And I’m already sad he only has two partial weeks of summer school. When we go outside to wait for the bus I try to play different games with him. Today I had him stand at one section of the sidewalk and me down from him. I asked him to count the number of steps it took to get to me. I showed him how to do it but he didn’t want to stand still so I tried a couple more times with him. He walked towards me counting but not with his steps. I still see this as a victory though. It’s progress. When the bus got there I asked can you wave to the bus and he said, “no”. When he came home it was right when we were about to have a severe thunderstorm but the rain had barely started when his bus pulled up. I went to meet it but I still got soaked. He was talking all about the rain before he even got off the bus. He was getting upset. We got inside as quickly as I could get him through the door. He talked about my pants being wet and started running around. “Stop the wet string blue pants”, he said anxiously. I thought he ran to his bedroom to take his pants off but he went to the bathroom to get a towel. “Wipe mommy wet blue pants dry”, he said and started wiping my legs with the towel. He then told me it would be “dry blue pants again” and handed me the towel. He didn’t scream. He was anxious but he was fine. I changed, he changed. I let him know we might lose power because of the storm. I explained the lights may go out or we may not have the internet. He said, “angry sky make happy again no rain today” and started eating his chips. I was wonderfully amazed and it was beautifully sad. It just felt like growth. I tried not to cry when he started drying my pants off but this was the sweetest, saddest victory. It was amazing to see the whirlwind happen in under two minutes time. He made so many connections and he remained very calm but it was an emotional journey for him. I was thankful though that he was able to express his emotions and he came up with the solution of drying my pants. He needed them to be dry. He can’t handle my hair being wet or my hair being pulled back. I always have to look like mommy even if that means my pants can’t be wet. I love when he changes his voice to try to sound like someone else. He was talking in a high-pitched voice like the woman that he watches doing the review of the app he likes. He ate all after when he came home. I asked him if he wanted some cheese and before he answered I said, yea white cheese or yellow cheese. He said, “white cheese no square cheese”. I said you can have both. He said, “no white square cheese” and then he sat happily eating both cheese separately. I tried to keep him up later but he was asleep pretty close to his regular bedtime. I hope he sleeps through the night. He’s off to grandma’s house tomorrow and I know he will have fun. I’m thankful for the laughs we had today and the joy he brings to my heart. I reminded us both to breathe and to keep moving forward. The road to tomorrow is not always the path you thought you might take but it is worth the adventure to find a new beginning to the next chapter in your life. Smiles to all and donut daze!

The zzz train done left the building. I was sound asleep and I hear Mickey talking or at least I thought I did. It quickly change to the alphabet and maybe some animal sounds in all what seemed like a thirty-second timeframe. I realized I wasn’t dreaming but my reality was waking me. Owen had gotten out of his bed and was playing with his tablet on the couch. I tried to grasp what time it was thinking I may have overslept. I try to focus on the clock and it said it was only a few minutes after two. This could not be possible I thought, knowing that it was completely possible. I got up and I told him he needed to put his tablet up and go back to bed. He told me no. I told him if he didn’t go back to bed then he couldn’t see his teacher or go to therapy because he would be too tired. Surprisingly this worked, not fast, but it worked. He went to his bed and then to my bed and after about thirty minutes he became one with the blanket burrito status in my bed and he was out. It took me a little longer. When he woke for the day he was happy but had all the regular demands for me. We read together and this time he chose one of his favorite books. I think he is now looking forward to reading with me every day. We got ready and we went to wait for the bus. I had longer jeans on so Owen kept stopping and bending down to pull up my pant leg so he could see where it was landing on my shoe. I tried to explain to him he cannot stop and drop right in front of me as I’m walking but thankfully I didn’t trip over him. When I picked him up from school for therapy he said, “it’s too hot to be outside no swinga today”. I loved how he was observant and was probably telling me what the teacher or aide had said. He did pretty good at therapy with a few moments that were hard but at least he is working through more of his emotions. When we got home it seemed like he ate nonstop. He asked for chips. I told him I don’t have any more. I told him I had veggie straws. He looked at the bag and he said, “blue bag please” because the chips are in the blue bag. I told him he could look there are no blue bags. He ate the straws. The night went quickly and he fell asleep in my arms. I hope tonight is the night for sleep. I’m thankful for his words and his actions. He is learning to be himself and share his story. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen woke by two once again but at least this time there were no storms and he went right back to sleep. He stole all of my covers and became a cute little burrito but I was the edge hanger once again. I really should have gotten a king-size bed. Although I don’t think it would really make much of a difference. He will still be right on my side. When we woke for the day he was happy. He also wanted me to “sit”, “no go potty”, “turn out the light”, “no chocolate milk today”, and “go back to the white bed” before I could even think about getting my coffee let alone getting out of bed. So I told him if he didn’t go potty and let me get my coffee there would be no tablet for him. He ran off to the bathroom. He doesn’t understand how badly I need mes the coffee. After we had been up for a few minutes he was asking me a question about something on his tablet. Once he was done I told him it was time to read and we could read any book. I showed him the two we had been ready or I told him to go to his baskets that hold some of his books and pick out a different one. I thought he might want Curious George since he asked about it yesterday but he came back with an Easter book and we read. After we read I told him he had about thirty minutes and we would start getting ready. I asked him again if he wanted something to eat and the same response “no chocolate milk today” rang out. I did a few more things and I started getting ready. This is when he decided he was hungry. I told him we had to get dressed but he insisted he wanted food. He asked for everything that took longer than the time we had. I finally told him I would fix him a waffle and he said, “two waffles please”. Two things I knew if I didn’t make him two waffles he would be upset and he wouldn’t eat both waffles. He finished most of the first one and I told him we needed to get ready. We were able to get ready and he finished his waffle before we went to wait for the bus. He reminded me I needed to put his safety belt on. I went to the hardware store and talked to several people trying to find solutions for changes to my house. It’s an emotional journey knowing that he doesn’t understand that he can’t keep pushing the faucet handle like he does or having to change different lights so he can handle it. Thankfully we came up with some great solutions and the ball is rolling. When he got home from school he was all smiles. He was very calm and I told him we had to go pick up something and we would go through the drive-thru and then a man was coming to see if they could help with our house. He followed all my instructions and was calm the entire time. I once again was very thankful. He wanted to play with his penguin rollercoaster that he hadn’t played in months. I was excited he was playing with his toys again. The night went fast and he fell asleep even faster. I pray tonight he sleeps. I told him I was very proud of his patience and understanding since his routine was disrupted. He did amazing. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Find your joy, be inspired, and let that be your motivation to change the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!

The storms from last night echo through my mind and then Owen’s scream resonated with me as the second round woke him up. He was not pleased with it at all. He came to me calmly but as soon as he got to me he started screaming. Then he got into bed with me and thankfully he fell back asleep after about twenty minutes when the storms calmed. He kept asking for his tablet and I really don’t know how I kept him in my bed. I guess the storms had him occupied. When we woke he was happy as can be. He had some directions for me but he seemed a little more laidback than most days. I told him it was time to read our book and I grabbed one. He grabbed the other book and said, “this one”. I was excited he chose which one he wanted. We read it and then he said something about Curious George and I said we could read it tomorrow morning unless he wanted to read it now. He said, “no” and off he ran. When it was time to get dressed he was telling me all the things we needed to do. It felt good to have him more connected. He wanted me to wear my blue pants and pink shoes. I told him I was wearing my grey shoes. He told me to wear pink when he came home. I told him I would wear the pink if it wasn’t raining. I put an inflatable beach ball in his backpack and I rehearsed the conversation with him so he would tell his teacher he brought it. I try to provide him words so that it will promote conversation with his teacher when he gets to school. I’m hoping this will also detour the blue pants talk. When the bus stopped I could see him peering around the door to look at my shoes. I wore the pink ones. He was pleased and I knew it would help his mood for the rest of the night. He hugged me right as we started walking to the house. He wanted an app that he already has and was upset because he can no longer watch the preview but he has the full version and he can see the preview on YouTube but that’s not the steps he wants. He ate a lot of food tonight and was mostly very calm. He wanted to break all the rules like the volume on everything being very loud but he was happy. He brought me his tablet to sign into one of the apps he uses with school. When I signed him into an app he said, “thank you mommy thank you”. No prompts from me and it was clear and cheerful. It made my night. I’m thankful for his progress and his smile makes my day. We laughed a lot and that brings me great joy. Share your joys and remember to share your smile. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I went to sleep with Owen in the “blue bed” last night. I was exhausted and needed the sleep. This really didn’t help because he still woke up at about three and realized I was not in the “white bed”. He told me “get in the white bed”. I told him that he needed to go back to sleep and I would once he was asleep again, trying to convince him he had just fallen asleep. He was not convinced. It didn’t take long and we were up for the day. He was happy when we got up though. There were several demands and wanted no lights but he also wanted chicken. I told him that if he wanted chicken I had to be up. He ate it all. I even gave him some cereal. It was all gone. When we were waiting for the bus Siri and Alexa were not on my phone so he kept asking for “I want chocolate milk please in Arabic” but nothing was coming up. He quickly said, “next time next time”. He always says that when he can’t get exactly what he wants. As we were standing there I wanted to cry and then I realized sometimes you just have to breathe and know you can’t fix everything. That’s not always easy to remember. And thankfully he was calmly waiting for the bus. When he came home from school it was such a different feeling than yesterday. He was wanting to go over sentences with me. He stood talking to me about therapy and how he would tell me he was going versus telling someone else he is going. He started talking about it all on his own and stood there patiently repeating different words that I was emphasizing for him. Sounded very exciting. He felt very calm today. We talked about manners and when he yelled I explained to him that we do not yell at each other. He seemed to listen to me. I also told him he could not eat my hair or hit me. I said if he did it again I would take his tablet. For some reason, it worked tonight. I’ve said it before but this time maybe, just maybe it will be something he follows through on. He wanted me to look up the same video over and over. Even though I was saying exactly what it was it wasn’t coming up. I pulled it up a different way and he didn’t like it. He walked away and said, “I’m angry”. He was calm but he was angry. I’m thankful that he is learning to deal with and express his emotions. His day ended with as much food as it started. He was watching a Halloween special and the character was a pig in a ghost costume. “That’s a ghost woohoo”, he said. It’s so hot here I told Owen his Spider-Man pajamas weren’t washed so he would wear shorts to bed. He said so he “could get tan on”. He fell asleep quickly and I’m not sleeping in the blue bed so maybe he will sleep better. Thankful for the calm waters in the rough seas we have been having. He was happy all night. Today is the first step of the rest of your life. Believe in the miracle yet to come. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Hanging on the edge of my bed with all the blankets gone is the best way to describe my day. Every emotion hit me like a ton of bricks raining on me as we walked into church. Owen had gotten into bed with me but at least he fell back asleep. He then wrapped himself up in a burrito, taking over the entire bed, and all the covers so I was right on the edge of the bed. I got up but he was mad at me. He needed me in the bed but I had to go to the bathroom. The morning tumbled away from us. Everything, every single thing was up for question but yet he was so incredibly calm and then anxious all at the same time. I sat in the back of the church after I dropped Owen in his classroom. We must have stopped ten times on the way to his classroom because the entire world was not in blue pants. God give me strength, I cry out more than I can even imagine. I sat listening to the songs that made my soul reminisce for a day gone by. My nerves were on edge just sitting there. I put my glasses on the top of my head and then I thought about how Owen would come rushing to me and put them down on my face if he wasn’t in his classroom. I breathed. He cries out to strangers and says “blue pants on next time”. They don’t understand and I don’t always have words to explain. How do you socialize a child and also keep them in their comfort zone at the same time. And it isn’t as emotional every day for him. Some days it seems as though he can handle it more. I think it’s harder because he is bigger and emotions reflect more outward now with his words. I tried to keep us calm. The storm happened when we got home. I was getting one of his rocket ships out of a box. He didn’t know what it was so it was an instant meltdown. He started screaming and stuff went everywhere. He knocked over the trash can as he walked by. My heart just aches for my baby. I tried to keep him calm after that. He was watching a video and the character was squishing and then opening an orange. I didn’t have an orange but I had a lemon. I showed it to him. First he said no and then I told him to touch it. He did. I cut it in half for him. I then showed him how we could squeeze the juice from it. He was only half interested in it but at least he was engaged in it and not upset by it. It was a day of rollercoaster rides and emotions for both of us. He seemed like he ate all day. He asked for more chicken after eating the ten nuggets and most of the cheeseburger that we got on the way home. Since the meltdown I was afraid because I didn’t have the chicken sticks he likes he wouldn’t be happy with the ones I was going to give him. He eats all kinds of chicken but he has his preferences. I gave him a tiny one that I had let cool and he ate it fast. Then he said, “hurry up and cool now chicken real quick” do the new chicken maybe a favorite now. The kazoo is quickly becoming one of his new favorite instruments and played it well into bedtime. I’m praying for a good night’s sleep and he should be happy because he will see his teacher tomorrow. We learn, we love, we grow. Find your motivation and make your dreams come true. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I wish today would have been one of those days to put the gone fishing sign on the door. I wish for simpler days and less complicated ways. There’s no time for that it seems. I should have guessed Owen would be up last night but I was hoping. One o’clock came and that was that. My sweet baby O was wide awake wanting to go see grandma. I couldn’t convince him otherwise. I wish I could help him through these days. I explained to him that he could have his tablet that he already had gotten but he had to take it back to his room. That lead to him coming to me every few minutes. At two, three, and four o’clock in the morning I decided he wasn’t going back to sleep. I tried to keep him busy but he was ready to go. I have been reading with him more. Every morning we will sit in my bed and read. This is one of the highlights of my day and him, not so much. I think about how far he has come. My boy can read. I still help him with numerous words but he is truly getting it, even if he doesn’t always want to read. When it was time to go to grandma’s house Owen decided he wasn’t ready. He has a hard time processing the steps to getting ready when it is something he really wants to do. I was dressed in the appropriate blue jeans and he kept saying he wanted food. And his blue pants. I’m trying to make everything as smooth as possible without a meltdown on the weekends or any day. He had been eating all night but he wanted food. Over an hour later and with tons of food he finally went to change his clothes. That process still took over twenty minutes. The same with his shoes. We finally got on our way and he was really happy. His behavioral issues seemed to be woven throughout our day. I was sitting with my laptop and had my glasses on my head because I no longer need them to see my screen. He came beside me and pushed them down. “Glasses are off”, he said and started screaming. I was breaking the rules but he doesn’t always wear his correctly either I told him, he screamed louder. He’s now back to examining my clothes with him being an inch away from me. I will be walking or when I go to sit he will come next to me, drop in front of me even if I am walking, and start looking at my pants an inch away from them. If I’m sitting he will try to uncross my legs or pull my pants down to cover my ankles. A tear runs down my cheek thinking about how difficult it is for my son. It’s hard knowing my clothes being in the wrong spot causes him agony. I remind myself we’ve cycled through this before and we will again. He had a great time with grandma and our night went quickly once we got home. I fell asleep once again with him from pure exhaustion. He’s ready for church tomorrow and so am I. Each day is a gift. The challenges of today lead to the victories of tomorrow. I pray he sleeps all night and that tomorrow he is ready for a great day. I look forward to our reading time in the morning and I know I’m going to start getting us ready for church extra early. The highlight of my day was when Owen and I raced. I can’t really run but he still raced me and he actually did it when I asked him to. The victory was there and the winner was my sweet baby O but it was this momma’s heart that truly felt like the victor. Live your life forward and know that tomorrow is a day to shine. Smiles to all and donut daze!