We didn’t go anywhere but we got a lot accomplished. Owen slept all night and woke around five to tell me he wasn’t going to school. It was amazing to me how he didn’t even try to sit in the “white bed” with me. He has his schedule memorized and he also knows when he doesn’t have school he doesn’t sit with me. His rules, his routine, and he knows what he wants to do. I didn’t push or rush him through the day and I think that helped keep him calm. He ate a lot today. He started with cereal and then waffles. When he was done he asked for fish for breakfast. I told him he could have it for lunch and he said, “Waffles please.” So more waffles and he ended up having shrimp for lunch. He is constantly upset when the internet goes out. I try to explain to him that he has to breathe through it, but he still gets upset. I try to have him go through breathing exercises to calm him down. When the Internet went out this morning, he started screaming and biting his finger. I try to explain to him that he can’t bite his finger every time something happens that he doesn’t like. We worked on these exercises and then when the Internet came back, I had him stand there for a few minutes so that we could go over what happens if the Internet goes out again. I want him to understand that there are stressful things, but he has to find ways to work through them. I’m hoping that he will make the connection between those emotions and what he’s going through. I told him this morning that he could no longer continue to have his tablet at full blast. We have worked on this so many times but nothing seems to stick plus who doesn’t want loud music? I told him every time he turned up the volume on his tablet he would have to give it to me for five minutes. To him not having his tablet for five minutes is an eternity. I had him work on his scales and sing songs with me. This is one of those things that can be hard because I want him to do other activities but depending on the activity, he will then associate it with not being able to have his tablet. There were several other times that his tablet volume went up, but I just asked him to turn the volume down and fortunately, he did today. This seemed to work and hopefully, it will stick with him in the future. This is always a learning experience for me as much as it is for him. He was sitting at the table, eating his lunch, and all of a sudden he said he wanted cake. I don’t know that he has ever asked for cake. It was quite an interesting experience. He’s not a big sweet eater, chocolate almond milk and pancakes are about the sweetest things he likes. I asked him if he wanted to go get cake and he said no I then asked him if he wanted to go ride his bike or go to the park and he said no. This truly did not surprise me since it was his day off, and we have to hunker down to prepare for the next day but I thought he might want to go since he had talked about riding his bike. The night went quickly. He had lots for dinner and wanted to take an early bath. It didn’t take much to convince him to go to bed and he was out. He had a really good day and he was for the most part very calm. I’m thankful for days like this when he interacts with me and wants to talk and learn. Find what motivates you and be the mountain mover. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen slept all night and his mind was on one thing this morning when he woke up. And that was “school school school.” He didn’t want to miss it. My heart is already breaking for next week when summer school ends. It’s hard enough that he has tomorrow off for our West Virginia holiday. He was focused on getting on that bus this morning. I knew by the time he came home he would be questioning me more about his Tuesday. He sat with me for a while this morning when I was drinking my coffee. I always ask him if he wants something to eat or drink before he goes to school. Occasionally he will eat something but mostly he waits. I think it interrupts routine. We got ready for school and he wanted to wear his green jacket. It was a cool morning but he didn’t need to wear a jacket. When he makes choices though I try to let him do it. If it had been a hotter morning I would have explained why he couldn’t but there was no reason to not let him. He was happy as a lark when the bus got here and they took off. I knew the minute he got home the questions about tomorrow would start. And they did. He repeated his teacher’s name over and over again. Then he remembered we were going to his vision therapy and his chant changed. He started asking for his teacher and to go to his therapy. There’s always a hitch in our giddy-up when he has these days off. I try to get him to understand calendars and look at our schedule, but this is still something that he can’t handle yet. He ate his snack and he was ready to see his doctor. I wanted him to understand when we went to his appointment that he needed to pay attention to the doctor and not try to find his files on the computer. She’s always wonderful about how she handles his exercises and tries to get him to do the steps. He did better today in the session but he did not like the rain on the way home. It took me several minutes to get him to go from the office to the car. He was concerned about the raindrops on his pant leg. He didn’t scream or cry though so that is huge progress and after many tries I got him in the house. When we got home, he started asking again about his day tomorrow. I told him we could go do something and he said, “that’s too many no cars today” and then he repeated that he would see his teacher on Wednesday. So I may not get him to go anywhere tomorrow. The evening was once again, pretty calm. He ate a lot of shrimp for dinner. And he was ready to go to sleep. It didn’t take him long and he was tucked in his bed. I have a feeling that tomorrow we will stay home, but I’m going to try to get him to go do some fun things. When I try to get him to do something he doesn’t want to do it really doesn’t help the process and most of the time he has meltdowns over it. I’m thankful he had a good day and that smile that he always gives me was bright today. Focus on the good stuff, cherish your memories, and use them to continue to push yourself forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Finding calm in a turbulent moment is a focus for me. Breathing, stretching, voicing your emotions when life continues to spin. It was the calmest ride to church that we have had in a very long time. I woke up numerous times last night, so did Owen, but thankfully he didn’t get out of bed and immediately went back to sleep. I heard him laughing at about six. He had turned on his tablet before even coming to talk to me. He completely understands the difference between weekdays and the weekend. I got up and walked to the bathroom. He walked in front of me, stopping my forward progress. He wanted to show me something on his tablet and then he said, “hi mommy.” I said hi back as I kept trying to move forward. His young bladder and the fact that he really doesn’t care about the bathroom kept him standing in front of me when I had to go. The morning went smoothly, but I didn’t try to do anything extra with him. I know he needs his time as much as I need my own time. Once I went to the bathroom, I got my coffee and he didn’t follow me to the bedroom. Occasionally he would run in and say something, but I could see he was sitting at his computer playing his games. I fixed our breakfast and drank more coffee. On Sundays, he wants to go to church, but it always seems like it’s a hard day to get him going. But today he was very calm and quickly changed his clothes to get ready for church. When we got to church, he had a great morning and then he wanted to go ride his bike when we left. He wanted to ride down the bigger hills and I know he’s getting it. Each week I see him getting braver on his bike and trying new things. When we left there, he wanted to get some chicken nuggets from the “big Donald’s” and then we came home. He asked to go by the “green stop sign” and the “red stop sign” but he started screaming at me while we were in the drive-thru. I want him to understand that he has to respect people and you can’t scream at them. I tell him all the time that his emotions and feelings are valid but he cannot allow that to translate into screaming at people. This is a hard concept for him and it’s hard for me to keep him from screaming. I hope that by taking something away that he likes he will learn that screaming and other behaviors will result in his actions being reprimanded. It is hard to get him to understand actions and reactions to behaviors . A meltdown is completely different than a behavioral issue. Sometimes in the moment, it’s hard to tell which is which but each time I try to go over the steps with him as to what just happened. I also want him to understand my correcting him is strictly about how he handled a situation. The older he gets the more I want to work on these behaviors with him before they are complete outburst. It doesn’t seem like he ever eats his meals right away but he ate all of it. The afternoon quickly turned into evening, and thankfully he was calm through most of it. He wanted to take a “quick bath” so that he could go back to playing with his tablet. Sleep was almost instant it seemed. He is ready to start his school week ahead. I’m thankful for his laughter and his bright smile. Find joy in the little things and know that they will change your world. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Sleep happened at some point and Owen was all cozy under his big fuzzy blanket. The struggle for him to fall asleep on Fridays is something I wish I could figure out. It’s not every Friday but most of them. I get his excitement for his Saturdays and the days ahead but I have to find a way to refocus the endgame. I get so stuck in trying to not rock the boat I don’t know when the boat can be rocked and it be fine. I always say autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. I don’t always have the answers but the stress of never knowing when he is going to scream or have a meltdown keeps me rooted to the ground some days. I pray for answers and calm all the time. I was thankful Owen slept until five. I thought for sure he would wake up in the middle of the night but he slept. Thankfully the morning was calm. The jumping is constant now. It is like he has cycled back through it. There are times when his focus is different or he has different sensory input needs and right now it is jumping. He asked every few minutes when we were going to grandma’s house. I had set the timer but he asked even though he kept looking at it. We got ready and left for grandma’s house. He wanted to go by all of his favorite things but I tried to explain then he wouldn’t be going to grandma’s house. We got there and he had a nice time. When I picked him up he said he wanted grandma to take him to the “little Donald’s” and then he wanted to go ride his bike. He rode with his grandma and then they came to meet me at the park. He told his grandma he was not going to ride his bike. He was upset because she didn’t turn the way he wanted her to. These emotions come quick and change often. I put his bike back in the car and he left with his grandma to drive back to her house the way he wanted. I picked him up from there in a few minutes. He wanted to go many places but I told him we were going straight home. I told him that if he screamed at me on the way home or told me where to go he would not have his tablet. It was a chore and it took redirecting him many times but we got home. So on the way home, he said, “do you understand me” and I said, “yes I do.” I said, “what do we say to each other when we have extra emotions and scream at people?” He said, “sorry mommy.” I said, “there is someone else you need to tell that to” and he said, “sorry grandma.” The meltdowns stick with you like food sticks to your ribs. I have to work through this with him when he is calm and can process it because otherwise, it doesn’t help either one of us. He was fine once he got home and he ate all of his dinner. Plus he asked me for veggie chips so he could dip them in the honey mustard. He was asleep extremely quickly. I’m hoping that tonight is a good night for sleep. He’s ready for church tomorrow and he wants to ride his bike. He is learning and growing and for that I am thankful. Be kind to your soul and give yourself grace. Smiles to all and donut daze!

The dude was tired. He slept until after six and had fallen asleep a little after eight last night. I was thankful that I got to sleep a little later too. I was in and out but it still felt like sleep. Owen came around the corner with his famous word, “tablet.” I replied with mine, “good morning” and quickly followed with “bathroom.” He started to run off and I sat up. This halted him in his tracks and he started yelling “white bed white bed.” There are days he can’t process the steps and today was one of them. I tried to keep my voice low because that helps him and I said, “I have to go potty and you know I have to get my coffee.” I kept going so he would hopefully calm down and go to the bathroom. I stood up and he was going to scream again but thankfully he turned to go to the bathroom. He calmed down once the coffee was in my cup. We sat together for a while and then he got up to stand next to my bed. He was humming classical music with the Little Einsteins. Then he started marching through the house with his tablet up on his shoulder like a boombox humming away. It was a quicker morning since he slept later and we went outside to wait for his bus. It wasn’t long and he was off to school. I figured our Friday would be our standard Friday night but I’m always hoping for an adventure and not homebound. He has to prepare for his days ahead. And Friday nights are all about his grandma Saturdays. He got home and that was that we were hunkered down for our weekend events. I tried to get him to do numerous things but he can’t process it all. He asked about his grandma numerous times and I tried to distract him. We were eating dinner and he started again and before I could say anything he said, “concentrate on today.” And that was huge progress. I tried to not rock the boat and he stayed pretty calm the rest of the night until bedtime. At this point he is getting up twenty few minutes to ask about his grandma. Just when I think he is asleep he is up again. Friday nights are the hardest. I am very thankful for the connection he has with his grandma and how much she means to him. I pray that he will be able to understand it more as he gets older that he has to wait for certain things. I have a feeling it will be an early morning after a late night. He will be asking for the timer soon. I focus on our victories in our moments of challenges. The progress is what will see you through. Dance in the rain, smile in your victories, and know that you can make a difference in our world. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Sleep is one of those things that I wish I could predict. I didn’t sleep much last night but it seemed the moment I finally fell asleep Owen came around the corner wanting his tablet. That didn’t really surprise me but the four o’clock in the morning did since he has been sleeping better. But it is his favorite day so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. He was a little anxious this morning but extremely happy to be going to school. He knew “mommy going to pick me up.” He’s worked hard on his sentence structure and trying to say this correctly. I told him he had to go to the bathroom first and then he could have his tablet but he needed to go back to his bedroom. It is always hard to decide how I handle these early hour wake-ups. It seems like if it is four and later I don’t attempt as much to have him go back to sleep and earlier than that I attempt it but it doesn’t seem like it works. When it was closer to five I got up. There wasn’t much sleep anyways at this point. Coffee was certainly needed. The emotions get heavy and the eyelids are tired. He was ready for me to get my coffee and go sit on the “white bed.” It will be interesting to see what happens when these three weeks are over and he is back on summer break. I wonder if our sitting together will fade in the memories until school starts again. I love our mornings together. I could tell he needed lots of sensory input though. He sat with me for a little bit but then when I got up to get more coffee he followed me into the other room because he is on light patrol. When we got back to my room instead of sitting next to me he stood next to my bed jumping. He loves the input it gives him from jumping on the floors. He stomps back and forth, repeating the exact same actions and steps. We got dressed and out the door we went. He was very happy it wasn’t raining but he wasn’t happy about leaves on the sidewalk. I tried to get him not to move them but immediately he went after them. I don’t mind if he moves leaves but I want him to be safe about what he picks up. Teaching him what he can and cannot pick up is difficult so it’s better if I tell him not to pick up anything. His bus came pretty quickly and he was beyond excited to see it. When I picked him up from school his teacher said he had a great day. I could tell he was tired on our way to therapy though. He struggled with some of his exercises and emotions but got through it. I think the four in the morning time was catching up to him. When we left there he wanted to go by the “green stop sign” and “take me by the windows.” We were heading home and he asked for chicken nuggets but then when we started to get them he started yelling, “no no no.” This is one of those rollercoastery moments that slip slide quickly. By the time I turned around to head home he had gone through all of the places we normally pass or places I tell him we have to go. He gets into a moment where he can’t focus. Exhaustion was winning as well. These are the moments it doesn’t hit me right away. I should have taken him straight home but I wanted to spend time with him. When he’s tired and it’s already a long day it’s too much for him. Once we got in the house he was fine. He had stood on the porch telling me all the places we didn’t go including looking at the “air conditioner with the handy crane.” He didn’t eat much for dinner but I think it goes back to him being so sleepy. He was out as soon as he got in his bed and I’m praying for a full night’s sleep. I’m thankful for all his victories this week. Even though he’s back in his routine with school it’s still a lot for him to process and he is doing amazing with all the challenges he has faced. Find your happy dance and own it. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Routine is a glorious thing. It is helping every aspect of our day for Owen to be back in school. He loves it, he thrives on it, and he wants it. I slept sporadically but thankfully he slept all night long. It seems like I had finally fallen asleep and Owen was standing beside my bed saying tablet. At first, I thought it was the middle of the night and then I realized it was almost time to get up. I asked him if he had gone to the bathroom yet and he just kept repeating tablet. I told him to hurry to the bathroom before I got there so thankfully he ran off. He was ready for me to get some coffee and come sit in the “white bed.” We sat playing games and laughing. He got up and stood next to the bed for a few minutes and then I got up to get more coffee. We got back to the “white bed” and he realized we still had time before he had to get ready. This extra time in the morning is throwing him off. We got dressed and I heard the rain. I knew it would be hard on him when we went outside. “All done rain it’s raining,” he said as soon as he stepped foot on the porch. He wanted to stay under the cover this time. Luckily the bus came pretty quickly and I could get him to run out to it. When he came home from school he wanted to go for a walk before we even went inside so he could follow the bus. I told him we had to take his stuff inside first and then we can decide what we were going to do. He said bowling, but he also said a lot of other things. “Bowling and dinner and bike and depot,” he repeated. He ate his snack in slow motion it seemed requesting to go bowling, but wasn’t ready to get going. He didn’t take his shoes off, so I knew we would be going on an adventure as promised. We headed towards bowling and as soon as we got on the highway, he decided he wanted to go ride his bike instead. He listened about not picking things up. He rode, he fell, he got a “boo boo chicken”. He likes to try to tip his bike over and then sometimes that leads to him actually falling too. He sat down with it as he was tipping it and hit his hand so he told me he had a “boo boo chicken” referencing the character from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Then he wanted to go to the “little Donald’s” for ten chicken nuggets, french fries, cheeseburger, and chocolate milk. We came home and washed his “boo boo chicken” and then he didn’t want to eat. He instead wanted to put robot BeatBo in the sink to wash his hands. He laughed and laughed and laughed the rest of the night. I’m praying for another great night of sleep. That laughter fills my heart with gladness. Find your joy, share your sparkle, and know you can change the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I woke first and that made me happy. I was hoping Owen would sleep a little bit later but he heard me and he woke on a mission. He saw me and detoured for the bathroom. He then came towards me but detoured for the couch. I think he was looking for where his tablet was. Then he came towards me again and this time he found his voice. He told me good morning and then asked where his tablet was. I try not to rush him in the morning. I like for him to think through the steps and some days there is a little more encouragement for conversation. At this point, he said, “mommy gets the coffee.” He was ready for us to go sit in the “white bed.” He’s still thrown off by the extra time in the mornings compared to his regular school year. We went to sit in the light bed and he was happy. We sat there for close to forty-five minutes and then I had to get more coffee. When I came back to the bed, he wanted to make sure it wasn’t time to go yet. School is his mission. He kept trying to Alexa to add two more minutes to the timer. We worked on how he says her name. Every once in a while, she will understand what he saying but in general, she does not answer. Thankfully on his tablet, he doesn’t have to say her name. We got dressed, and we had a couple of minutes before we needed to go out to wait for the bus. I was glad that it wasn’t raining so that he could walk back and forth looking at the different streets to wait for the bus. He was thrilled once again to get on the bus and go to school. I went back inside and I started thinking about my brother. Grief does not follow a straight line. There are forks, knives, and spoons all in the road of life and the emotions hit you randomly square in the face. When he came home from school, he at first said he wanted to go bowling and then he decided that he wanted to go for a walk. He told me while we were walking that we were taking the “baby on a walk” and I said what baby? He said, “the baby elephant.” He had big plans to go find the handy crane from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, the green stop sign, and the yellow house where the babysitter and dragon live. I think the dude is writing some stories. He told me he wanted to go bowling when he comes home tomorrow. He wants to go to the bowling alley, depot, and “little Donald’s for chicken nuggets french fries honey mustard and ice cream.” Then we are going to the park so he can meet his grandma there. I could tell he wanted to run but he stayed with me and held my hand. He wanted to sit on a bench and then decided we could go. We came home and he wanted a “quick bath” so he could eat dinner and play. He stood next to his computer looking for different videos. He wanted to find the video for “A Poem Is.” He knew how to search for it but he asked me to type it in. I told him he could do it and he did. This is a dream come true. Each day is a gift. Each skill is a gift. Each victory is a gift. Remember to be kind to your heart and you can accomplish great things. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Let’s just call us the wake-up crew. Owen slept until a little after five and he was ready to start his day. He couldn’t hide his excitement for what was happening today. He was ready for his routine and to see his beloved teacher. Tablet quest, bathroom, standing by the light switch waiting for my coffee to be done, and requesting the “white bed” all fell right back in order like the last few weeks of being off of school were completely nonexistent. Summer school starts a little later than his regular schedule so he kept trying to do everything by the exact times we would do them before. He wanted Alexa to add two minutes to the alarm that was going off. I would set the timer before and he knew I asked Alexa for two more minutes. It would give him more time to process when we were getting dressed. This is what’s always amazes me about him. It’s like he can tell time without telling time. He kept trying to rush me along because he knew the timing felt long. We went outside to wait for the bus and rain spoiled our parade. He immediately started talking about it. “Turn it off,” he said, “flowers need the rain.” It was back and forth like this. He was trying to say positive things but he wanted the rain off. Even though we were on the porch he kept picking up his leg to look at his pants. He wanted to make sure there were no raindrops on them. While we waited he wanted to walk in the rain for a few minutes. I held the umbrella and he slowly walked down the steps. We walked around. He kept looking at his pants and squeaking but then it was too much so we went back to the porch. He did well for even going out in the rain. When the bus came it was hard to get him to run out to the bus. I told the bus driver Owen was having a hard time with the rain. I also told her that he likes to give directions. She was very kind and said she could always use two GPS. I said except with him left is right and right is left. She said good to know and wanted me to know there would be lots of things to distract him from the rain. When they came home they went the opposite direction down our road. This has happened a few times when he’s had substitute bus drivers. This is the first time that he has not gotten off the bus crying or screaming when they came down the road in the “wrong” direction. So this was extremely huge progress. He always wants it to come down the road the same way. As soon as he got off the bus he said his teacher’s name and asked when he would see her again. He walked into the house and he wanted the bathroom door closed. I’m hoping that doors do not become a problem again. When Owen was little he wanted all the doors closed all the time. He did fine at his vision therapy appointment but was very focused on the computer. I told the doctor I never know what is going to become a behavior until it is already a behavior and then it is very hard to stop. He expects to use the computer every time we go there now but he did do some of the exercises. He ate a huge dinner and requested more snacks. He is growing again. Sleep happened quickly and he was ready to see his teacher tomorrow. He is making huge progress and I’m thankful. Each day is a gift and celebrate all your victories. Smiles to all and donut daze!

We are closing in on our routine again. Tomorrow is the day and it will be summer school. Owen woke a little after five and the miracle was in the next moments. He had a conversation with me. He said “tablet” first but he went forward quickly. “Good morning mommy,” he said. The smile washed across his face like he knew he was onto something because he saw the smile on my face. He kept going, “how are you mommy I’m fine did you sleep well wanna hug I love you.” The conversation flowed as it should even though it was completely one-sided. It all meant that he was understanding it, putting it together. I try to give him the general conversation with the hope that he will tell his story adding his words. These are the mornings I love when it is all so fluid for him. As we were getting ready for church I thought about the day we went for Owen’s swimming lesson. He didn’t think twice about me wearing my swimsuit and a sundress to the pool. Last year we worked on it when we went to the pool. I need to help him accept the mission of where we are going and that the expectation of blue pants isn’t always a reality depending on what place it is. Maybe this is something I can try to help him understand and not want everyone in blue pants. He did great at church and requested to go to the “big Donald’s” after church. He was very specific to want a “ten-piece chicken nugget and a cheeseburger.” The rain came right as we were leaving church so we were about to get out of the car to ride his bike and he was like “nopedy nope” so we went to get lunch instead. He told me he didn’t have a jean jacket or a raincoat and he said, “Owen needs a raincoat and a jean jacket.” He wanted to go to the green stop sign and the windows after we went to the “rollercoaster railroad tracks.” Also on the way home, he talked about his teacher and then said, “focus on today.” One of his therapists always tells him to focus on the activity he is doing so I’ve been using that with him at home and he is now connecting with it more. I heard him walking to the bathroom and he started saying “walking feet walking feet” and I thought again how excited I am for his swimming lessons because of the safety he is already showing even walking through our house. I’m thankful that Owen had a good day and I’m hoping he will sleep through the night to be rested for his big day tomorrow. We can be broken down by the complications of life or we can change those moments into when we grow into ourselves. Focus on the daily victories no matter how small they might be and look how your world will change. Smiles to all and donut daze!