Even when the weather is a little cloudy I see the joy in Owen’s sparkle. He’s been sleeping better and that helps to bring a calmness to his world, even though this momma is stressed out to the hilt. He slept late this morning. I heard him running to my bed. I wanted to yell out “walk”, but picking the battle thing comes into play. Plus, I really wasn’t awake. He stood next to me and said, “today’s bowling”. I was so excited. Today is bowling and coffee shop day, I exclaimed. Knowing that I was going to have a brownie. And then he got into bed with me. He said, “big hug” and squished his face into my head. Input day two, I thought. The words were flowing and he was happy. A whole lotta joy in that for me. Some days he wakes up very anxious and everything seems hard for him to process. I pray every day that he has a calm that washes over him and he will be able to use his words to express what he wants and needs. I’ve been trying to ask him more questions lately, hoping this will provoke words and emotions from him. I have to be careful to not push him too much though. It can backfire on me. If I ask too many questions then he starts screaming and retreats from the interaction. He’s hiding underneath his “blanket”, listening to the same few seconds of a video he is watching, every once in a while popping his head out to smile at me. The partially vacant toothy grin he’s got going on cracks me up. I can’t wait to get our day started. He’s ready for bowling. I’m ready for the coffee shop and my glorious celebratory brownie for reaching my goal weight. And then it’s back to the healthy train. Sugar is no longer my friend because of arthritis. Life doesn’t always go according to plan, but I’m learning to let my expectations go and embracing who I am. Owen inspires me every day to be a better me. Find your inspiration and know that you can make a difference in our world. Embrace you. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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I did the happy dance this morning because Owen slept all night in his bed. He ran to me, standing by my bed saying, “wanna hug”, immediately crawling on top of me, squishing his head into mine. He kept pushing. Days that start this way means he needs input. I try to remind him to be gentle with mommy. But I don’t know that he comprehends the term. He moved over to the other side of the bed. He then asked for milk, while he kept pushing himself into the bed and pillows, almost throwing himself into position. A few minutes later he was running to the refrigerator to get his milk. I put milk in his cup the night before, placing it on the door, so he will be able to get it when he wakes up. I’m trying to give him jobs to do that will create more of an independence for him and teach him life skills. It’s now part of his routine. I do this for other things as well. He has to put his clothes and shoes in certain places and after his bath, he has to return his towel to the bathroom. I never analyzed how many steps going to something like hanging a towel on a bar until I had to direct Owen through it. We still have to do it together, he can’t quite figure out how to put the towel over the rod and pull it down, but he is getting it. Every step to me is a victory worth celebrating. Some days I’m overwhelmed with emotions, wondering why this has to be so hard for my baby. Even in my sadness and gladness, I tell Owen that he is amazing and can do great things. His smile and laughter keep me going. I’m thankful for the progress he is making and that he is able to share more of his feelings and emotions with me. He is my greatest gift and I want him to always know I am here for him. Celebrate your victories, no matter how small you think they are. You are amazing and take one day at a time. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen bit the inside of his mouth yesterday as we were driving home in the car. He instantly started crying. At that point, I didn’t know what was wrong, but I knew he was upset. He yelled, “wash your face”, then I knew it had to do with his mouth. Those are his keywords for expressing himself when he can’t explain all the details about his face or mouth. I thought he might have lost one of his teeth; he has several that are loose. He then went on, “does your teff hurt”. I started asking him questions, trying to distract him. He had calmed down the closer we got to home. He screams and cries a lot in the car. He can’t always explain what is the matter and sometimes he is upset because the stoplights aren’t all green. I have to decide what is a cry of anxiousness, what is pain, and what is for attention or from happiness. There are days that walking out our door takes every bit of effort I have. He has a hard time processing it all and so do I. We got home and as soon as I turned off the car he started screaming again. I turned to face him and he reached for my hand, wanting me to put my finger in his mouth. I told him that we would look at it as soon as we got inside. By the time we got to the door he had pulled on his mouth and it started bleeding. I got him to the bathroom and I handed him a washcloth. He wanted to wipe his face. Once he did that I was able to look in his mouth. He still wanted me to put my finger in his mouth to feel the bump. Luckily when I do this now he doesn’t bite me anymore. He used to grab my fingers, put them in his mouth, and bite down as hard as possible. I do not miss those days. I never understood if it was input he needed or why he wanted to bite me. I gave him some medicine and the rest of the night he was very calm about his teeth. I’m thankful that his teeth didn’t give him more trouble last night. Maybe by the time he loses them all, he will be able to process it. Until then we take to one day at a time. Through the rain, there will still be sunshine. Take a moment to breathe and know that this too shall pass. You are important. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Ahh, back to the previous sleep supplement means the dude is sleeping through the night. It had stopped working for him, but I thought I’d give it another try. The break did him good and hopefully will help him for a while. Day two of the underwear was still not a success, with of course the underlining success story written in. He wore them, he hated them, and they sure don’t hold as well as a diaper, but we are one step further along though and he is making progress. His words seem to be going through a change as well. Some words that he used to say more clearly are getting rammed together to come out with one big word now. He’s back to listening to a lot of foreign languages and that sparks new words. However, then I have to decide if they are foreign words or words that he is not able to annunciate correctly and he gets upset if I don’t understand what he means. I think he sees all languages as one big language and not as separate. I’ve heard Spanish and French words from him, spoken perfectly. And I know he is speaking Chinese, but I can’t tell what he is saying. He will answer questions in foreign languages with English responses and he will have two tablets on with the same Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episode in two different languages. It amazes me how he will change his tone trying to sound like the character when he is speaking their lines. It’s like he is performing the scene, but learning it to use at a later date. Some days I feel like he is so interactive with me, wanting my attention for everything. Other days he feels withdrawn, but I still have to be in his view. Through all this, I know where we’ve come from though and I know how hard he has worked to get to this point. My heart rejoices in his progress, aches when he has hard days, but I know that together we will keep pushing forward. Share your story and let your light shine. Smiles to all and donut daze!
We have been working on potty training for years now. Again, I think this is one of those things that’s it’s as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen needing to be potty trained. For a child with autism, this process can be very long and daunting, for both the parent and child. Owen has clothes sensitivity to appearance and textures. He wants me to be in certain clothes at certain times and he wants to be dressed a certain way depending on where he is. We’ve tried many different methods with Owen and he has come a long way but we’ve yet to get to the finish line. Yesterday I put a new type of underwear on him. He immediately got upset and started screaming. He thoughts they were pants and pants are supposed to be worn at home, they are only for stepping foot outside our door. This goes for shorts as well. He kept screaming, “pants are on”. I had to convince him to leave them on. That was a battle in itself. He started yelling about “when de timer goes off you can take your pants off”. Okay, so let’s start there I thought. I told him we would set the timer for an hour and then he could have a diaper back on. How on earth did we keep that thing on him an hour I don’t know. And I sure don’t even know why I suggested an hour. But there we were an hour later and I took him to the bathroom. He had wet his pants, but these are waterproof to an extent, so I literally went with the flow. I asked him to go to the bathroom numerous times in the hour, trying to take him several times, but that wasn’t happening. So I thought let’s do one victory at a time. He was very upset to have the underwear on, but we made it. Half the battle is overcoming the set in stone rules. The rules weren’t even something I thought about at first. I only knew we needed to try this new underwear. I feel defeated and I feel like we accomplished huge steps with that one hour. One of the hardest things for me to do is stayed focused and in my own thoughts. Owen’s constant state of emotions pushes me to concentrate on him and keeping meltdowns at bay. But the emotions wear on me and I have to remember that I’m allowed to have emotions too. One can not always be as cool as a cucumber. We’ll try again today. I have to push myself through this as much as I have to make him do it. For now, I’m thankful he slept through the night and school starts in less than a week. He teacher was once again his first question to me like he sees the goal line in sight. Today is one moment in time. Know that you can do great things if you set your mind to it. Find your strength and go after your dreams. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Sleep, I’m by no means caught up on it, but I’m certainly back in the realm of the waking world. Owen slept all night, in his bed, and late. Let’s all rejoice that. He woke, running from room to room looking for me. Once he found me in the kitchen he immediately asked for his teacher. I told him he would see her next week and then my heart immediately sank. I need to start preparing him for next year when he won’t have the same teacher. I have to start on that now. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t ask for some part of his school activities. It’s so hard to explain to him why he can’t have his routine that he loves and thrives on. And here we are a year away from him not having his same teacher and I’m anxious about it. He’s growing so big, losing teeth left and right, and finding his voice to explain his joys and his concerns. He seems to be more aware of his actions and knows what buttons of mine to push and how hard to push them. My mind spins of ways to help my baby and most of all to keep him safe. I watch him walk down the stairs and my heart skips a beat. He will not watch where he is going, turning willy-nilly as he goes down them. I make him walk with me as much as possible, but I’m not sure if that truly helps the process. I ask him to hold onto the rails, but that doesn’t always keep his attention. I’m closer to convincing him to not stick his foot in the car door as I shut it. I have to stay focused on the steps that keep him safe. He is very routine about what he does and if I’m in a hurry or forget one step it throws us both off and it can risk him getting hurt. There is no convincing him there’s danger in the world because he doesn’t understand what that means to him. I hold on to hope because he now is starting to respond to pain. That makes my heart hurt because I am holding on to the hope because he now responds to pain. His cries “did you hurt yourself” when he stubs his toe brings comfort and sadness in the same breath to me. I hold back the tears thinking of those emotions. My son can at least tell me he is hurting. I’ve worried for years that he couldn’t tell me if something was wrong with his socks or what was bothering him. But now the words and emotions are coming. There’s the hope I needed to see for his future and his wellbeing. He fell asleep in my arms last night. He doesn’t do that much anymore. After a good, but an emotional day with him, that moment was exactly what I needed. Autism wasn’t important to me until autism was important to me. I’ve learned so much through the eyes of my child. He’s taught me what unconditional love means. His heart is mine and my heart is his. Remember it can only be one day at a time. Take time for you, be kind to your heart, and know that you are important. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Once you embrace a miracle can happen the world seems brighter. I look at Owen and I think back to where we came from. My son, my precious baby, for a long time, couldn’t even look me in the eyes. It was too much for him to process. But now he is talking to me and finding ways to express his needs. Yesterday it was the topsy-turvy rollercoastery day of life for me. I wanted to cry because Owen was trying to do something on his own that he hadn’t done before and I wanted to cry because he told me about his aches and pains. We went bowling yesterday and some days I try to prepare Owen that our game is almost over. I told him he had eight more balls. He immediately held up his hands, both hands to show the number. The one hand was mostly up and the other hand he was trying to move his fingers to show three. He didn’t quite get it, but that didn’t even matter. I wanted to cry right there on the spot. He was trying to count with his fingers and I hadn’t prompted him, nor helped him with moving his hands, he did it all by himself. He tried it all the way down to the second to last ball. I never want to forget that moment, never. This is a skill we have been working on for years and here it was in action. My heart was exploding with pride and joy for my sweet baby O. Last night as he was taking his bath he started making faces. He then cried out, sounding like he was in pain. I asked him if he was sick. He winced a little more and then he said, “are you sick bewwy”. He said it a few more times, but didn’t want to get out of his bath. Every couple seconds he would wince a little and grab at his belly, pulling up the skin at his stomach. I got him out of the bath and he said, “wash his face”. He will say this in a singsong manner when we wash his hands or if I use a baby wipe. I handed him a baby wipe and he rubbed his belly up and down for several moments. He put it down and wanted another one immediately. That happened two more times and then off he ran holding his towel around him so he could get dressed. Within fifteen minutes he was acting like nothing was wrong, happily putting his nightclothes on and going about our routine. I was thankful he was able to tell me he wasn’t feeling well. Even though he still couldn’t tell me exactly what was wrong with him it does bring comfort knowing he can explain he has pain. The cry-rejoice moment was there again. Through the rain, I still smile. Be proud of your accomplishment, be thankful in your day, and be kind to your soul. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Today’s our day. “Coffee shop den bowling den grandma”, Owen has already repeated multiple times. He knows our Saturday routine. He slept most of the night in his bed, coming to mine really early, but falling back to sleep and sleeping late. I’ll take it. He’s got another tooth loose and it is of great wiggle concern. Shake, shake, wiggle, wiggle, runs to me to show me what is happening. I try to explain to him it’s like the other three, telling him repeatedly to give it to me if it falls out. The first two I don’t know where they went. The third one I got to it before he did. He wanted to “fix de ball” by putting it back in his mouth. He kept trying to get it from me. We’ve been watching teeth videos, hoping that helps the process. I’m thankful he’s in such a great mood this morning. Although as the morning wears on I can tell he is in need of sensory input. He is currently under a blanket, squished into his beanbag pillow. His beloved coffee shop and bowling are up next. Happy, hyper, and needing input are where we are at. I’m excited about our adventure today and I’m excited because I’m going to eat all the foods. Well, at least Mexican or Italian and a latte. I met my weight loss goal. I’ll get right back on the fitness train, but today I’m celebrating. I’ll pay for it in the days to come because arthritis is a beast, but a today I celebrate me with a little hip hip hoorah. One of the hardest things is learning to be kind to ourselves. Self-care is more important than I ever realized. Staying focused on a goal is worth it. But also know that you are human and allow yourself to have those moments in time for you. Food has always been my life. I grew up working in an Italian bakery and my family had restaurants, plus they were all amazing cooks. I never realized the impact of food until I started learning about it for Owen. The food choices we make are life-changing. I watch Owen blossom when I took dairy and gluten out of his life. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Be motivated, be inspired, and be you. Make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen slept all night. Me, I woke with one of those resounding headaches that makes you keep one eye closed. It reminds me I need to get my eyes checked. I’ll add it to the list. Owen is laughing away at his tablet. It’s telling him “wrong one” and he keeps hitting the same one, laughing harder. He gets as much joy from choosing the wrong items as he does from selecting the correct ones, all depending on the action the app takes for either selection. In general, he knows the right response, but he likes the process of selecting the same thing over and over. He walked over to me, taking my hand, and making me push one of the buttons on his app. He knows how to do it, but he wants me to be a part of it. I think back to when he couldn’t do the movements himself, not completely understanding how he hands worked. He would take my hand putting it on his tablet for me to do the motions for him. We worked on activities to strengthen his fine motor skills. And we are still working on his fine motor skills. I decided to start painting with him a little over a year ago. He helps me paint the backgrounds of our paintings with a hand over hand method. He will also ask “let’s paint a church” and he will paint his beloved church, still using the same method, but he goes through all the motions. I showed him he could create the church using shapes he knows and from there he loved painting them. And we paint a lot of them. I think painting has given me a new outlook and inspired me to do things I never thought were possible. I always said I couldn’t paint, but it was because I couldn’t paint perfectly. Now I find excitement in painting perfectly imperfect paintings. Life is not always what you expected, but letting going of those expectations and embracing you will bring you joy like you never knew. Be bold, be beautiful, be you. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The thing I’ve learned today is that we are each hurting in our own ways, we are each rejoicing, and we find ways to push through the moments of life. When I think I’m not doing something right it’s proven that I am and when I question everything in the world along comes an answer. It’s not always the answer I want, but that’s how it goes sometimes. Last night Owen didn’t sleep. He woke around two and that was the end of our sleep. He stayed in bed with me for several hours, but it was anything but peaceful. He rolled, he talked, he kicked, he pulled my hair, and he took the blanket away from me. I really needed sleep so I laid there, but sleep wasn’t anything that came. Maybe if I had moved to the couch he would have let me sleep a few hours. This is where I think the new supplement is starting to have a reverse effect on Owen. It’s happened before and I’m sure it will happen again. It works like a dream to get him to sleep, but it’s almost like it puts a rocket ship in his brain in the middle of the night. I was so hopeful for this one. I thought for sure it was going to be the one. I dream of calm for my baby. He’s wide awake and happy as a lark this evening, with a slight edge to him. He ran to the door, one more time, to check to make sure the lock was positioned upright. He checks it several times a night now. I’m thankful it’s still in a locked state. In the middle of the night, when all I wanted was sleep, I kept telling myself to be thankful. We have come so far. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. Together we grow stronger and through it all, we are a team. Even in the middle of storms, the sun will shine. Smile and let the world see you shine. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
April 2024
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