Now that Owen is officially sleeping in “mommy’s room” he sleeps more through the night. He, however, might be getting up a little earlier. And sometimes there’s no convincing him it’s still night enough to go back to bed. He woke at four this morning, charging out of his room so fast, and turning all the lights on before I could even realize what was coming through the baby monitor that I use. He started yelling in the living room about his tablet, milk, and veggie straws. I told him that it was still nighttime, but he was truly not convinced of this and that we should wait until after breakfast for veggie straws. That really didn’t impress him either. I made one last-ditch effort for us to go back to bed and then moved on. I never imagined that him sleeping in my bedroom would make such a huge difference, but it’s darker with brown walls and brown blackout curtains, but this has helped so much. He falls asleep with me in “mommy’s room” and then I would sleep in his old room while I worked to change another room into my bedroom and painting studio. We still call it mommy’s room. Now I’m changing his old room into a sensory room. I tried everything in my power to keep the meltdowns at bay today. I didn’t want a repeat of the last few days. I gave into things I probably shouldn’t have because he was on the edge so many times. But through most of the day, he was calm. We worked with his instruments and it’s amazing to watch him play his Cajon drum, tapping his feet, bopping his head, singing, and keeping the beat all at the same time. I’m thankful for my sweet baby O and all that he has taught me. Follow your dreams and make your world a better place. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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Well, today was a good bad day or a bad good day. I’m really not sure which. There were some very big moments of tears, more for me than him, but there were some huge meltdowns for Owen. He doesn’t know how to process it all, who does. Every change is hard on him. Every day that the routine is not routine is hard on him. And every time I think I understand the rules I clearly don’t. I put paper over the door window for today hoping to keep him from seeing the light and the storm door if it got opened again. That caused as many problems as the door itself. I remind myself one day at a time. He didn’t like the paper on it because that’s not how it’s supposed to be. I need to paint the glass or put a film over it. Maybe that will get done tomorrow. We sang many songs and he was very sleepy so he sat a lot, which he never does. I got him to drink his tea tonight and miraculously the caffeine is still helping him sleep. Beyond thankful for that. He’s slept close to eight hours a night for several weeks now, he’s only had a few not so great nights. I’ll take it. In these days of stress I’m trying to be calm, but when he is spiraling it takes all my strength to not spiral as well. I’m thankful for the words he is learning and that his comprehension skills are increasing. And I pray every day to do my best for him and with him. Through the sleepiest parts of his day, he would come to get his “big hug” and he smiled ever so slightly, but that’s all I needed to keep pushing forward. Know that through the struggles the sun will shine again. Every day do something for you. It’s important. You are important. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The river of tears I’ve cried today doesn’t even come close to the emotions I have or the meltdowns Owen went through. People don’t understand the significance that doors have to my son. How could they. I have two front doors. Someone put a flyer on the storm door, opening it and leaving it ajar. Hours later Owen is still upset because the door was not closed properly. Add it to the list of things I have to fix. I was going to put a note on the door, but what should it say, “please I beg you don’t open my door” that’s the only thing that comes to mind. The front main door has a window at the top so he can see when the outside door is wrong. I should get a film to cover up the window for the main door. That should help I would think. He had such a good day, but so many rough moments. The night was longer than the day. For over an hour straight he yelled about “Spider-Man”, but it’s not really Spider-Man. He calls the video he watches that has mood music “Spider-Man”. He listens to it each night for a few minutes before he falls asleep. If I don’t turn it off after a few minutes it actually becomes something he is more obsessed with and it won’t help him fall asleep. Tonight after that elapsed time I put it up and the screaming began. I held him, trying to comfort him. I even gave in for a few minutes so he could watch the video longer. It’s so hard to know when to let a behavior work itself out or to help it move along. All I can do is pray and try to comfort him. I hung the second curtain tonight, hoping that will keep him from seeing the lights coming from the kitchen. I have a feeling it might be a late night for me. Our life is not always easy to explain, but the love sure is. Keep moving forward. Know that today is one moment in time and tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I watched Owen eat his lunch with a fork. That makes this momma happy. We had lasagna. I can always tell when he really likes something because he is willing to use a fork to eat. He switches back and forth from using his left hand to right hand without even thinking about it and he still has the telltale signs of lasagna all over his shirt. He loves to take the noodles back out of his mouth and then put them back in after he’s gone through almost a song and dance with it between his fingers and on his face. It’s kind of like how he plays the guitar with his feet as he’s standing up working on his tablet. It’s incredible to watch him. He strums it with his toes and somehow produces tones that seem to work together. He woke early this morning, but I actually got to sleep all night in my bed. That very rarely happens. It was the light that actually woke him. I had to go to the bathroom. I walked past the sensor nightlight when I was done, not really thinking about it since it was so early. It goes off in ninety seconds, but that was about eighty-eight too long. He started yelling about it. The nightlight is in the kitchen. The drapery was closed that I use to cover the hall opening. Even though it’s a blackout curtain he can still see the very faint light shining through the difference in the fabric. I ordered another blackout curtain to hang at the other side of the opening, hoping that two curtains and the separation will keep the light from waking him. I asked Owen where my nose was and he stuck his finger in his own nose. I asked again and I got the same reaction. One day at a time I remind myself. I drag my feet at the nighttime process. Some nights it takes hours for him to settle even with the strictest of routines. I’m praying for a night of comfort for my sweet baby O. Here’s to counting your blessings, learning to let go, and knowing tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Somewhere between A and B, I’m standing, maybe floating is the better term. Everything seems to be something anymore. Owen woke early and he woke anxious from the start. It didn’t take me long to follow suit. The days blend into nights. He yelled a lot today. Mostly happy screams, but some were directed at me for different reasons. I was full of emotions for each one of them. School isn’t starting here until September, if then. I wanted to cry about it again today. How do I prepare him to go back into the world when I’ve kept him isolated for so long. We hardly go anywhere, but I need to start taking him more places and seeing more people. Oh wait, the mask thing, I remind myself. He has a hard time seeing everyone with a mask over their face, especially when it is someone he knows. When he goes back to school he will actually be in the classroom. That’s how he has to learn so that’s what we have to do. I cried a little harder today at lunch, worried, and wondering how far he is slipping behind already. I’ve tried to keep him learning and growing, but I’m also human and exhausted. He doesn’t like any type of video conference call and barely will tolerate phone calls themselves. It’s stressful the entire time I’m watching a video or on a call. He screams more and if he doesn’t do it right that minute it’s meltdowns to come. All I can do is pray. He ate great today, played his guitar but mostly with his feet, and he worked on his tablet. I keep reminding myself one day at a time. I try not to be too hard on myself and keep moving forward. For the love of my sweet baby O, I’m growing and learning. Find your inspiration and motivation and know that you are a lot stronger than you think you are. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen woke really early this morning. I suppose I did too. Maybe last night should be classified as no sleep for me. Seems that’s how the story goes lately. But Owen woke happy and hungry. And again I suppose I did too. More the hungry part, but I was happy he was happy. He ate his breakfast, asking for second breakfast, and playing on his tablet, watching the video that featured the toy I got him. It wasn’t long before he wanted to play with it and almost as quickly that he wanted it under the table again. This time I was ready though. I put it back away and moved him on to the “box”. He played with his computer for a little while and before we knew it lunchtime was upon us. I made meatloaf and rice the other night, only giving him a bite of it since he was having the requested shrimp, but today we had leftovers. He’s not a huge beef fan, but he did really well with it. He preferred the rice and I had to encourage him a couple of times to eat the meatloaf, but hey he was eating some more new foods. For him, it can be about the textures of food and he wants to constantly take them in and out of his mouth before he ever starts chewing them. I never understood the emotional journey food alone would be for us. I’m trying to focus on the progress though. He’s been very interactive with me today. We’ve had lots of smiles and laughs, playing instruments and singing the songs he wants to sing. My song choices were not met with the same fanfare and he voiced his opinion quickly and loudly. I wanted to tell him we would try to go back to church soon and school might be starting in a month, but we are finally at a point he doesn’t cry about it every day. Routine is our everything and we miss it all. One day at a time I remind myself, keeping his smiles close to my heart. Rain makes the shadows bigger some days, but the sun will shine again and fill your heart with gladness. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Here I sit waiting for the delivery of the day. To me, it’s a very exciting moment, but it may only be exciting for me. Owen has been watching a Baby Einstein video that features a toy. He watches the animals climb up the little ladder and circle down the rollercoaster-like ramps to get back to the ladder. I ordered the closest version I could find and it’s arriving today. I like to provide Owen with real-world examples of things he likes on his favorite videos and apps. I hoped that he would like it, but I also knew from previous experiences that it could go a thousand ways. It arrived, he watched me put it together, and he was overjoyed with it for about thirty minutes. He said, “you done” and ran off to play. I put it away without taking it apart. He came back about fifteen minutes later wanting it in the other room. I set it up for him and then I walked back to the kitchen for a minute. I turned back towards the living room to find it under the table all taken apart and him rolling on the floor. He was clearly overstimulated by it. And so it goes. I wondered how he would handle it. I’ll try it again in a few days, only for a few moments at a time. He clearly loved it when he first saw it, but there is too much of a good thing. He had such a great day otherwise, only a few times where the world seemed to be crumbling around him. He ate like a champ, trying multiple new things and even making his own combination of ice cream and veggie straws. He was extremely happy to be playing on his new “box” that grandma got him, a computer instead of a laptop. He likes the tower and once he has something set in his mind he likes the consistency of it. I’m thankful today. I’m stressed and I’m blessed. And I’m a little blue with emotions. This week has been hard on me. One of the hardest I’ve had in a long time, but I’m thankful for Owen’s smile and God’s grace. Today is one moment in time. Know that you are a lot stronger than you think you are. Keep moving forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Some days feel like a rollercoaster that never stops. I might be sitting, but my mind is riding up and down through all the twists and turns in our day. To say Owen had a rough day is probably an understatement. And to say he had a good day is an understatement too. How is that possible, but it is. He spent some of the day with his grandma. He couldn’t really process us leaving the house first thing this morning even though he loves spending time with his grandma. He told me, “I’m not going to grandma’s today”. He says this expression a lot when he is going through the motions about what is in store for his day, but it doesn’t always reference that he really doesn’t want to do something. He will say it when it is not a day he is going to a particular place as well. “I’m not going to the store today” and it’s not even something we talked about doing. I don’t know if he is trying to tell me he really does want to do something or he has is trying to communicate a particular aspect of it. I had an appointment today so he had to go. His day was full of meltdowns. The longer we are away from his routine the more meltdowns he has. When I went to pick him up he came to me and I could see he was clearly upset. I bent down to hug him, but he screamed and pulled my hair. I started singing the song we sing together when he has meltdowns. He started screaming more. At that point, it’s a mission to distract him and get him home. When we got home he was calmer. As soon as he walked in the door he went and sat in his spinning top, needing the comfort of the movement. He smiled, laughed, and sang with me the rest of the night. Still holding on to some of those emotions, but we worked through them together. Find your calm, shake away the blues, and remember tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
“W w w w w w w”, Owen repeated to me over and over again. We listened to the alphabet song this evening, but W was not the letter of choice earlier on. He goes through moments where he doesn’t want me to sing and other times if I don’t sing on cue he will scream. It keeps me on my toes. He kept sticking his finger on my mouth, trying to get me to sing, the only thing my mouth was full of food. He doesn’t get that I can’t always do exactly what he wants me to do at exactly that moment. It’s hard to explain to him. It’s the same with his tablet. When the battery is out and it needs to be charged he wants it on the charger instantly. If I have my hands full he will still try to hand it to me, screaming sometimes about the battery. If I lay the tablet down and don’t immediately put it on the charger the screams start as well. I remind myself again about one day at a time. He has learned so much and his words are forming. It’s still hard sometimes to realize that he can’t grasp certain concepts. I try to find examples to explain why certain steps have to take place, but he doesn’t learn completely by that process. It’s something he has to do over and over to understand it. He kept me smiling today. The past few weeks have felt heavy to me, nothing in particular, but everything together. And as much as he’s had a few moments he really has been amazing in these circumstances. I started crying at the table earlier this week. He had been screaming seconds before and he walked over and gave me “big hug”. These are the moments that make my heart burst with love. He gets it. He sees it. He understands it. Never give up. Some days feel impossible. Some days feel like no progress is being made, but remember the sun continues to shine. Find your happiness, be inspired by the world, and know that you can make a difference. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I have said multiple times today, “why am I not handling this better” as Owen screamed at me one more time and I wanted to cry and scream with him. But then he stood next to me as I was painting and talked about all the colors he saw in front of him. He went on to talk about the characters he’s painted and the things we’ve talked about having him paint. We’ve been painting together for about two years now, quickly it seems going into three. He’s never had this much excitement about it before, but as he sees his finished projects around the house he talks about each of them. I’m thankful he’s making the connection and glad to know that he enjoys it. When he’s talking about the paintings he expresses himself almost more in my terms and I can hear him thinking through the steps we take to paint. He talked about the colors we would select and how he would put them on the canvas. I can’t stop smiling about this. It feels like huge progress amid a very challenging day. The win column was full though. I always ask Owen what his favorite color is. He has never answered me. And technically still hasn’t, but as we were playing on his tablet one of the characters could be changed to a different color. It was a wheel of color, maybe around fifty or so to choose from. He immediately went to yellow. He said it and he then selected it. I was once again struck with how amazing that moment was. Maybe yellow is his favorite color. Maybe it was only for that character, but I was still overwhelmed with gladness that without prompting he selected a random color. I started teaching Owen how to plug in his tablet to charge. All day he had handled it pretty well when “it died” until the end of the day and stuff went sailing across the living room. He wanted his tablet and he wanted it to be charged. I explained we couldn’t throw things just because the battery went out. I made him count, breathe, and started teaching him how to put the cord on his tablet. It’s a hard concept for him, but he’ll get there. Today was filled with a lot of emotions from both of us. I’m thankful for his growth, his choices, his expressions, and his words. Life is not always easy to explain, but the love sure is. Follow your heart, know your dreams are important, and tomorrow is your day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
April 2024
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