What mountain did you move to walk out of your door. Some days life feels like it is spiraling and spiraling. What do you do when it keeps feeling like everything is falling out of your grasp and you keep doing the same things that keep you in the same spot. You stop. You just stop. You find a way to change what you were doing and do something different. I’m learning that I have to take care of myself and that means doing things that I love. The other day I got it in my mind about how when you take a flight they always tell you to secure your air mask and then your child’s mask. I thought they’ve got that right. We must keep pushing forward and working on ourselves to be able to help our children grow. I’m thankful for how much Owen is growing. All the way home from church he asked to go eat. He’s been asking for several days now. I haven’t taken him because he hasn’t been feeling well, but today I decided we would go. He’s not contagious but he still has a cough. He is a sensory seeker so he is still learning how his body works. He likes to make himself cough so that he can feel his body’s reaction and mine as well. I try to get him to remain calm but that doesn’t always work. When we went to the restaurant he had a coughing fit, most of it coming from him drinking too much too fast. These are the moments that make me want to stay home but I push forward to help us grow. I have to look past the reaction of others and know that I’m doing the best for us. It’s very emotional. I also have to decide what’s Owen, his age, or autism. They all are a part of him but play different roles in how he handles the world. No less than twenty times in the last hour has he asked me what his schedule for tomorrow is. He knows that it’s Monday and he should be going to school but it’s a holiday. He’s already missed many days because of him being sick. Learning to let go and grow at the same time can be hard but know that you can move past this moment in time and accomplish great things. Make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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Sometimes one of the hardest things for me is to try new things with Owen. It can be way out of our comfort zone but I know we have to keep trying. In the last couple of months, we have been going to Home Depot for their building projects for kids and he has done great. The experience alone is part of the journey. We haven’t completed a project there, we really haven’t completed the projects at all, but we’ve successfully gone through the motions. We will be going again. I have to remember, like all of us, we will like some things and other things we won’t want to try again. The journey isn’t always about how fast we cross the finish line but what we’ve done to get there. I tell Owen that we have to prepare ourselves for greatness and that he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to. Believe in yourself and the rest will follow. I have to remind myself of this too. It’s a hard lesson for me to remember. I’m harder on myself than anyone else ever will be. We got more sleep last night and for this I’m thankful. Owen woke up at four again but luckily after a bathroom break, we went back to sleep. That gets a big yipeedoodlecakes from me. He still has his cough but I can see he’s starting to feel better. I’m trying to teach him to cover his mouth when he coughs. This is a very difficult concept for him. He doesn’t understand personal space at all so not coughing in someone’s face is something he has to learn as well. One day at a time, together through a journey with love and learning. The journey of life is what we make it be inspired and go after your dreams. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Four o’clock in the morning comes early no matter what time you go to bed. When the time changes it really doesn’t change us we have to adapt. Owen doesn’t understand the concept of time and is not adjusting to the change at all yet. I have calendars and clocks to help him learn about what they do but it will take time for him to comprehend it. He seems like he is starting to feel a bit better. Hopefully, by tomorrow it will be well on his way to being out of his system. We’ve gone bowling every Saturday for over a year now. I don’t want to break our strike or maybe that’s streak. He’s missed being at school and church. He loves going so this has been a really hard week for him. He woke up this morning and to say he had bedhead is an understatement. It was all over the place and sticking out in numerous directions. I’ve been wanting to cut it for days now but with him being sick I’ve waited. I’ve always cut his hair. I keep thinking one day I’ll take him to a salon but I don’t know if we’re ready for that. I cut his hair a little at a time, for several days in a row. This helps him be able to process it. When I was doing it all at one time it was causing him too much anxiety. Now he still gets anxious but he knows we are only going to do a small section. He says, “cut cut cut” as I move through his hair. Owen has taught me to see the world in a whole new light, knowing now the shadows can make him dance with delight, and sounds that come from something like a haircut will make him scream with fright. I celebrate Owen’s accomplishments with him. I let him know that he is amazing and tell him that even through our challenges that he is doing great things. We all got something. Find your motivation and know that you can do anything if you set your mind to it. Smiles to all and donut daze!
My poor dude has been sick. And rollercoaster sick at that. Fever up, fever down, no coughing, coughing, and nose issues galore. Sickness is one of those things I must take in stride. I don’t like it one bit. It takes a toll on both of us and it is really hard for Owen to completely understand what is going on besides the fact that he doesn’t feel well. I took him to the doctor today and to say he did amazing is an understatement. I’m so proud of how he handled it all. I told him last night when he started having a coughing fit that we would go to the doctor in the morning. It was like a song and dance production started right in front of me. “Elevator want to go on the elevator let’s go on the elevator”, he sang out. He continued on, “let’s see the doctor knock on de door here she comes”. I have always tried to make doctor appointments something to look forward to instead of dread. I make sure to explain different things will happen like shots or them taking his blood pressure, but it will all be fine. We had a lot going on today and he handle it all like a champ. They gave him a breathing treatment for his cough. For the kiddo that doesn’t like appliances like vacuum cleaners or hair dryers, this was a huge step for him. The machine makes a constant humming sound and he had to hold it in his mouth for about ten minutes. The nurse said as long as we kept it near his face it would be fine. He only turned the machine off three times so not too bad and no screaming. Huge steps for my sweet baby O. He asked for it to be turned off several times but he truly did amazing. I can only imagine the noise is like playing ten board games all at the same time, throwing the pieces in a pile, and hoping that someone selects the right color. But today Owen truly handled it all in a very excited but calm manner, even through his sickness. He has an ear infection and now on the road to recovery. Even in diversity let the world see you shine. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Some days are tougher than rough and others rougher than tough. But you get through them. I never understood the emotional rollercoaster I would go through daily. I often wonder why I can’t be stronger than I am and accomplish it all in one day. And then I have this little toothy grin stare up at me and say, “oh de” waiting for me to respond. He will start again, and again, and again, and again if I don’t finish the song. “Oh de bare”, not wanting to sing any more of it and waiting for me to finish singing one of his favorite songs, Bare Necessitates. I wonder if I’m helping the process or making it harder on both of us if I don’t answer him. Queen of overthinking reporting for duty once again. He’s feeling much better than he did yesterday, but he’s still got the head thing going on. He can’t comprehend why he is sick and he doesn’t understand how to deal with things like throwing up or teeth falling out. To him, it’s all part of his sensory seeking exploration and doesn’t understand how to handle it. Tonight he’s supposed to go to his church program, but can’t go because he’s still not feeling great. He doesn’t understand why he can’t “eat your dinner and den go to church”. He’s cried multiple times wanting to go, school was hard enough for him to stay home from, and I have to prepare him for two days off next week for a holiday and planning day. Life is routine through and through for us, until it’s not. We grow, we learn, and we keep pushing forward, with a lot of prayers in between. Know that you are a lot stronger than you think you are. Today is your day to shine. Smiles to all and donut daze!
This time change is for the birds and I heard them bright and early when Owen woke up, I think we woke the birds. He was sounding more nasally, but there was no fever. I debated whether I should send him to school, but he kept asking about the bus and his teacher. He was full of energy this morning and singing up a storm. As the day wore on I got a call from his teacher saying Owen had a slight fever and she knew he wasn’t feeling well because he wasn’t doing his work. As sad as I was that he was feeling worse, there is such a joy in knowing my boy loves school and doing his work. Every year around this same time he gets sick. We’re home now and he still has a fever but he’s eating and drinking. I’m praying that it moves out of his system quickly. On our way home he still gave me directions as we turned. If he knows where we are heading he will tell me what he thinks are the correct directions. “I’m gonna go straight”, he will yell or interchange it with left and right. When we go someplace he is familiar with he will say, “back way or dis way”, pulling me one direction and then the other. It feels like life in those few seconds, always being pulled in different directions. Through blessings I’m learning a lot about myself and that we are not alone. Everybody’s got something. With determination and a positive attitude, we can accomplish great things. And there is always someone to give you the support you need. Smiles to all and donut daze!
How do you convince a child that doesn’t know what time is, except his internal clock, that it isn’t time to get up. You don’t. Owen woke even earlier than he normally does asking me to “wash your face do your eyes hurt” and taking my hand to his cheek. He then wanted to go to the potty. I gave him a washcloth and he wiped his hands. He handed it right back to me and went to the potty. This is where I try to get him to tell me more. Do his eyes really hurt, does he want his face washed, maybe it’s his teeth. I can question him, but he doesn’t always know how to respond. I do the investigation, eyes look fine, no fever, no marks, no immediate signs of sickness. He has been losing a lot of teeth in the last few months and they are always a great concern for him, but his words didn’t match that. He will say, “wanna ball” or “teff” when talking about them. When the tooth is falling out he says “wanna ball”, grabbing on his mouth constantly. When it is finally out, if I or someone else that is with him doesn’t get it immediately he will swallow it or try to put the “ball in” his mouth. For the days following he will say, “brand new teff pwease”, sometimes taking my hand, trying to get me to put one in his mouth. His words “do your eyes hurt” could have been referencing how sleepy he was or something completely different. Communication is one of the hardest parts for us. He has come so far, but I can’t always understand what he wants me to know. Within ten minutes there was no more mention of his eyes or sleep to come. Through life, we learn and grow. Never give up and know that today is a moment in time. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The routine speaks volumes in our daily life. I’m thankful that it helps Owen process what is expected of our day, but it can also cause Owen stress if it doesn’t always go according to plan. He’s ready for church. He was ready to go to church at four in the morning. Old time, new time, I’m not even sure. With the time change, it will confuse us for weeks to come. It seems to confuse me in general. Church gave us both what we needed. When Owen walks to our bathroom he gets very distracted by the way the lights shine in our hallway. He dances with glee from the hall to his room, making happy EEEEE sounds as he goes. His hands move in a rhythm all their own and he continues to stare at the wall where the light switch is. One of the hardest moments for me is not knowing how to help Owen, even through his happy moments. I don’t really know why he gets so excited about how the light radiates in the hall and I don’t know what I can do to give him that joy with something else. I ask him questions, but he doesn’t know how to explain it, so all I can think of is the light’s reflection is what is making him happy. His joy brings me joy. There isn’t always an easy explanation about life, but there is a great feeling when you see someone growing in their life. Find your joy, change your world, and know that you are important. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen woke earlier than he would on a normal school day, but here it was Saturday. He was requesting his teacher, and then quickly changing to bowling. I said it’s nighttime, hoping for more sleep that I knew we wouldn’t get. He’s having a great morning. I was sitting right next to Owen. He’s was playing on his tablet and we were singing together. He wasn’t looking directly at me, but as soon as I touched my hair, to move it out of my face, he stopped and checked to make sure I didn’t change. I have to be the picture of me at all times. My hair is still his comfort and his weapon. Thankfully he doesn’t rip it from my head anymore, but occasionally he will still pull it when he is mad. He also wants to put it in his mouth a lot; getting a different type of sensory input from that. He’s been eating more lately and trying new foods. As he was eating his breakfast this morning I asked him if he had to go potty. I’ve been trying to explain to him that he can tell me “yes ma’am” or “no ma’am” if he doesn’t have to go. When I asked he said, “yes ma’am after food”. Hallelujah came to mind. Sometimes my life is so overwhelming I forget that it is overwhelming. I don’t give myself enough credit or a break. I beat myself up instead of giving myself the peep talk I need. Today is one moment in time. I’m thankful for where we are today. Look at the journey ahead, be proud of what you’ve accomplished, and when all else fails succeed at something else. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I watched a video of Owen this morning when he wasn’t quite two years old. He was sitting at a little set of drums I had gotten him, banging away. One stick in each hand, sitting on the little stool, making beautiful music. He was focused. I could have seen signs of autism then, but I didn’t even understand what I was looking for. Within a few short months instead of playing the drums, he was sitting in them. He would scream at the top of his lungs for hours, waking up a dozen times during the night, and jump across the floor making an EEEEE sound. I watched him yesterday becoming so aware of how his body works, moving his hands and feet, staring at them as he moved. Some days this makes me breathe a little calmer, knowing that growth is happening. Last night he laid down on his pillow reading his book out loud to me. He got done and he said, “one more time”. The coolest part was him holding up his pointer finger for the one more time. He stared at his hand and then looked at me for encouragement to read again. I told him one more time and then it was bedtime. I wished he could stay up all night and read to me. I’m thankful for his growth and every day I pray for him to make more connections to who he is and what his body does. In the middle of the storm, there is calm. At that moment breathe, know that you are stronger than you think you are, and you can weather the storm. Make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
May 2024
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