I’m trying to not think about how many times Owen yelled at me today. His screams are getting louder as he ages and what seemed like only something that was happening occasionally has shifted to now happening constantly. Hormonal, emotional, growth, the list goes on, and what answers are to be had. I took him to see his beloved windows, only instead of driving by I stopped. I thought he would like to look at them longer. I was wrong. My heart still skips a beat thinking of his screams, his cries, and my tears now. Why does it have to be so hard on him. I drove to the bank afterward. I told him all the steps we were going to do but he gets it set in his mind and no matter what he wants it exactly how he thinks it should be. When I drove away from the bank I asked him which way he wanted to go, hoping and praying he would calm down if I went the way he wanted. We drove around for a few minutes but then I turned to come home. The screaming started again. Full meltdown mode. I sat in the car with him for a bit, trying to distract him, center him, center me. I worked on his breathing and singing with him to control the meltdown. When we came inside I sat with him on the couch, holding him. It was as much for me as it was for him. His meltdowns cause unbelievable sadness to wash over me. Three cups of coffee just to write the words tonight without crying the blinding tears that soon will fall. I never get enough sleep but the hours after he goes to bed are the only time I have to sit and think. I’m starring at another screw that fell out of our kitchen table. He jumps so much, pushing on it with his weight that it is quickly loosening all the screws. I keep adding latches to it so it will stay together. I think some of his anxiousness and meltdowns are coming from the fact that school will be ending soon. He has his beloved teacher for two more years but summer is two long months. He’ll probably go to summer school but it only lasts a month and that has many complications put with it as well. One day at a time I’ve told myself over and over again today. As the day came closer to an end he started his Sunday night chant, “I’m not going to wear shorts today no car ride today sweatpants grey sweatpants blue shirt”. And the list of clothes continued. He wants to make sure I know he is riding the bus on Monday even though he references today and now he added in the fact that he will not be wearing shorts. He fell asleep in my arms tonight and as I do every night, I prayed for sleep and comfort for my sweet baby O. We each are on a journey. Each journey is different but you are not alone. Someone has walked on that path, with different shoes but faced those same mountains. Follow your heart, reach out with your soul, and embrace the world in a new light. Tomorrow is yours for the making. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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