Some days feel impossible. Today was that day. Owen woke up on edge. Every little thing was not little. My blue pants were not blue enough or maybe they were too blue. His pants were also the wrong shade of blue and the wrong style. And all I can think is how hard this is for my baby. He didn’t want to wear his jacket to the bus stop. Some days he doesn’t mind wearing it. Other days it’s all too much for him. The tears want to fall from my eyes. I’m trying to concentrate on how good the rest of the week was. As we were walking to the bus stop he noticed a car that was on the side of the road. I knew from other days it was another family waiting for a different school bus. Owen did not like that it was sitting there. It was turned backwards and had its lights on. He started yelling, “pull over it’s not pull over”. He went on and on. I pulled out my phone and quickly asked Siri some phrases in Russian trying to distract him. He started asking for different words but he was still very distracted by the car. The bus came in a few minutes and he wanted to run to it before it even stopped. When he came home from school nothing felt much different from the morning. He was still very much on edge. He got off the bus and immediately started asking about the car and listed off where we were going over the next few days. And then his words expressed emotions about the car again. He never forgets a thing. We got into the house and he immediately started talking about the weekend and what he was and wasn’t going to do. Oh, how I pray tomorrow is a calm day for him. His repetitive behaviors were over the top and he kept screaming at me because I didn’t answer every single time he said the same thing. He was afraid I was going to take him to see a babysitter he hasn’t seen in years. This caused screaming of epic portion. And these emotions made him have other behavioral issues. He sat with me and wanted a “big hug” but he wouldn’t let me move my arms around him. He screamed, “no big hug today” when I attempted to hug him but kept asking for hugs and input. The night was hard, the emotions for both of us were stronger but the love is always easy to explain. Falling asleep was hard for him. As soon as I thought he was asleep he would pop up and talk about the weekend ahead. Hours after he fell asleep I still hear him waking up or talking in his sleep. I prayed for a good day tomorrow, in fact, I begged God for a good day tomorrow. Today I reflect on how far we have come instead of trying to dwell on how many changes of clothes he went through when he got home or the screams that etched spider webs into my heart. I just wanted to hold my sweet baby O and remind him that he is loved beyond words and emotions. His laughter is what I’m holding on to. Through challenges, we grow. Walk forward, know you are not alone, and tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart.