I took Owen to the school bus, and as I was walking home I saw my reflection walking with me. There were three distinct shadows from all the lights hitting me from different angles. I immediately thought about the story of the Three Bears, but Goldilocks was nowhere in sight. I suppose I could be Goldilocks, but nothing seems like the fairy tale. Some days the reality of it all sinks in more than other days. My little boy struggles with so many things; me too. He smiles over at me, I smile back, and he squints his eyes. He starts talking about the post office. “No post office”, he says. “I’m not going to the post office today”, he continues. As soon as I picked him up after school, he started talking about not going to the post office. I thought about the Three Bears story again. Goldilocks wanted everything just right; I wish I could do that for Owen. The post office fills him with such anxiety that I don’t know how to help wash it all away. A different post office was fine, but the post office he loves from the outside, with the amazing textured bricks, continues to cause meltdowns, and discussions months later, after only going one time. His vocabulary is increasing, with that there’s more of a connection to communication, and expressions. I pray every day for insight into how to help him with these connections. He’s come a long way, and the sky’s the limit for my sweet baby O. I tell him every day he is amazing, and he can do anything he wants to do. I’m thankful for his smile, I’m thankful for his words, and I’m thankful that he is growing. I am learning to see the world through Owen’s beautiful mind, and I know that everything will be fine. Autism wasn’t important to me, until autism was important to me. Never give up hope, go after your dreams, and find new ways to soar. Make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
0 Comments
There are days this isn’t about Owen, but instead me. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. He’s learning how to communicate, and this is making a big impact to our days. Could you imagine if your mouth hurt, and you could not tell anyone. You couldn’t write it down, you couldn’t say the words, you couldn’t point to it; all you could do is scream. Maybe you couldn’t even scream. Maybe all you could do is rock back, and forth. Or maybe all you can do is lash out at the people around you, biting, or kicking them, hoping they will understand. Last night, Owen said, “does your mouth hurt”, my words coming back at me. He wanted me to feel his teeth. He grabbed my finger, putting it in his mouth. Without his words, I’m not sure how I would have reacted with him grabbing my hand. He’s starting to lose his baby teeth. I’m not sure if his tooth is loose, or maybe he got something stuck in his teeth, but I know he wanted my help. My emotions are welling up inside of me, trying not to boil over, crying. This is my little boy, he’s growing, and he’s changing my world every day, but there are days I feel helpless, and pray that I am doing everything I can to help him. Today is one of those days that my rose colored glasses are very blue. I feel so sad, and the loneliness is overwhelming. Owen hasn’t stopped screaming since I picked him up from school. Little short bursts of bubbling with excitement screams; these aren’t the angry ones, these are the extremely happy ones, but nonetheless emotional for me. I try to get him to talk to me, but the more I want to hear his words, the more he screams; which makes him laugh more, screaming even more when he looks at me. Now I have a smile plastered on my face, trying to keep the screams away. I heard stomping, and I realized Owen was singing “if you’re happy and you know it stomp your feet”. The connections are coming, the feet are stomping, and I’m rejoicing through tears. Today has been one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time, realizing the system is broken, and more help is needed for families. I weep today, so I will be stronger for tomorrow. Keep pushing forward. Let the sadness go, and find strength in knowing tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
“Monday”, Owen proclaimed. I told him, it’s Wednesday. He said it again, and again, adding “grandma pick e me up from schooo” as he went along. His sentence structure is getting stronger, and more fluid every day, but we still have moments where I feel like I am playing Name That Tune with him, because he is humming tones to a song that he wants me to find with his tablet’s voice activated option. Last night he informed me “I’m not going to bed today”, quickly followed by “tomorrow”; mixing this in with “I’m not going to bed until later”. I felt like I was literally watching my son’s transformation to a computer brain with this one phrase. The minutes that lead up to all of this were incredible to watch. He will say, “I’m not going to the post office today tomorrow tomorrow”, because I have told him that we won’t go back. He’ll ask me when, and I’ve said, “tomorrow”, hoping to ease his mind about the post office. It has been causing him a lot of anxiety from the one time we went. I watched him turn that go to sentence into him not going to sleep. I saw the stages of his words developing, and him processing how to tell me he didn’t want to go to bed. It was a big step, and change for him. We didn’t sleep much last night. He woke at some point, got into bed with me, tossing, and turning the rest of the night. Bedtime has been hard for him lately. I try to keep it very routine, but it seems to be anything but routine. I never understood how important routine was. It wasn’t something I focused on, sure there were certain times for everything like school, and work, but the rest of my days were more random. Now I set timers for everything, talk about what we are doing nonstop, and make sure our days flow from one moment to the next. For the love of Owen I’m learning to adapt, and find new ways to help him. Some days feel overwhelming, but I see his smile, and push on. I’m thankful for his growth, and I see so much progress. Never give up. Find your strength, and know that you can move mountains if you set your mind to it. Be bold, be beautiful, be you. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen wouldn’t go to sleep last night. Owen wouldn’t wake up this morning. And when he did he proclaimed “I’m cranky”, and quickly said, “it’s Monday”. He fought sleep last night. He fought everything last night. He was happy, but wanted to push all the boundaries. This morning he wouldn’t listen. I have to decide the difference between what is the kid not listening, and him not being the able to process what I need him to do. Day two of him going to the potty. Day two of him learning what he can do when he goes to the potty. But we are getting there. We were running late this morning. I needed him to get his jacket, and turn off his tablet. He ran around turning off the lights instead, getting his milk out of the refrigerator, and asking for “cracker”, his beloved snack. We got his jacket on, I took his tablet, and we walked out the door. As we were walking down the street, I could see Owen’s bus approaching. There’s generally a five minute window for the bus. He was on the early side, and we were on the late side, but we made it. As we were getting ready to leave, Owen noticed his milk wasn’t on the table, his cereal wasn’t there either, and there was a light on in the other room; all of these had to be changed before we could go. Some days he is fine if things are not in their place, other days he cries, or screams until I can figure out what is wrong, and make things right again. He sees the world in picture format, knowing when something is out of place. I have to be careful to not make everything routine, but as close to routine as possible; so that he can process the transitions. For my house I have on the street parking. Generally we can always park in front of my house, but occasionally there are people in front of it, so we have to park further away. We parked three houses down, he didn’t want to get out of the car at first, yelling “homeNa” the whole time. Once I got him out of the car, I had to carry him to our house. He was kicking, and screaming, pulling my hair the entire time. Now all my neighbors try to park in different spots, and ask their guests to do the same, but there are still days this happens. I can’t ask the whole world not to park in front of our house, or change for us, but I can ask for love, compassion, and understanding; what we all deserve. Together we can make a difference, together we can find solutions, and together we can watch the world grow. Find your passion, and see how it changes you. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen woke, got out of bed, bypassed me to turn the living room light on. That’s the morning governing rules. I said, good morning, I love you, can I have a hug. He moved through the process quickly of hugging me. I went on to tell him he needed to go to the potty. He went with a little hesitation, but no song, or dance either. He learned today he is the proud owner of a fire hose, and thought it was hilarious to not go into to the toilet, but instead tried to reach the ends of the earth with it. I was not prepared for this, but instead I thought of it as a great accomplishment, and showed progress. My hope is that I can convince him that is not something that he should be doing, and the toilet is the way to go, but his pure excitement from this new found accessory might take some convincing. Or we may just have to take it to the porch. Oh, the adventures we are having. He was excited to go to school today. He proudly said, “it’s Monday”. I think Monday is the easiest day of the week for him, as long as our routine stays the same. I try to talk to him about his schedule, and what’s ahead for him, knowing that it will help him to go through his days. I quiz him, “what day is tomorrow”, hoping that if we do this every day it will become part of his routine to look at the calendar. He yells over to me, “I’m not going to the post office today”. He won’t stop until I acknowledge that we aren’t going. My emotions wash over me, I’m trying to keep my smile plastered on my face, and not let the tears fall down my face. Taking him to the post office one day, for five minutes, months ago, has caused so many emotional moments for both of us. I have to calm myself, reminding myself that this is how he processes it, and that he needs the comfort in knowing what we are doing. It’s quickly followed with him doing his attention getting burst screams, all while eating, and asking “I want more chocolate milk pwease”. I tell Owen every day he is amazing, and he can do anything he wants to do it he sets his mind to it. It’s your day to be amazing. Find your strength, do what you love, and know that you can do great things. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The screaming. Short burst of attention getters. Oh my. He knows they get to me. He knew they got to me long before I knew they got to me. Years of the attention getters, and my reactions, says it is so. If I correct him, they start back up in a few minutes. If I ignore them, they get louder, closer together, and more frequent. If I ignore them for too long he will scream, and then correct himself. “Stop screaming”, he says, followed by, “one more time and it’s goooNa”, referring to me taking away his tablet. I can’t count how many times I’ve said that, and how many times I’ve actually done it. I will make him take a timeout, which is about as effective as telling him not to do something, but repeating the same actions does help reinforce the outcome. Owen apologized, “sorry mommy need a hug mommy I wuv ewe mommy”. Yes, little one, I love you. I tried to take him to Bob Evans, two days in a row. Both days he cried, screamed, kicked his way out of going. Both days I have been very emotional. We went from him asking to go, “let’s go to Bob Evans restauRONt”, to him crying at the mention of going. We left. These are the ups, and downs of this journey. What am I encouraging, what am I discouraging, by us leaving. Like the balloon, sometimes you feel deflated, and then air beings you to life again. One day at a time. We will try again. And again. There are so many emotions I face walking out our door, but just as many sitting at home. Owen has his mischievous smile plastered on his face. I can tell we have a few adventures left for us today. Know that you are a lot stronger than you think you are. Follow your heart, open your mind to new possibilities, and watch your world bloom. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen is watching snowball videos, mixed with many other ones, but he keeps going back to the snowballs. We had snow yesterday. When we got home, he asked for “snowball” on his tablet. I am not sure if he made the connection to the snow, or if there was another reason he wanted to see it. He touched the snow a couple times, sending out a mixed scream of delight and angst. I understood the sentiment. At some point during the night he got in bed with me. But when I say got in bed with me, I almost missed him. He laid at the very bottom of my bed, in the corner. I woke, hearing a noise, I got up; it must have been him getting into bed with me that I heard. I moved him up further in the bed, where he promptly took over the entire bed, and no more sleep for me. He woke happy, and ready to go bowling. I’m so thankful that he loves bowling. He asks to go every day, along with church, and school. He thrives in the routine of it all. I told him that we would go bowling after he finished his breakfast. I’m excited to go, too. His determination, and focus are incredible when he is bowling. He loves watching the other bowlers, as well. The screaming is in rare form today; using it more as an attention getter. One thing at a time I tell myself, knowing the more I focus on it the more he will do it. He’s trying to say many more words, and use them in sentences. He will stick with a certain phrase, or sentence, and then after he gets comfortable with it, he tries to add new words to it. It’s really amazing to watch his progress. He would say, “we went to church”. Now he is changing the word “church” to “bowling”, or something else. Some days I can see such clarity in what he is doing, and saying; other days I see the struggle he goes through to respond to me at all. He mimics sounds to express himself when he can’t find the words. Today I’m thankful for his growth, and I’m excited to see what tomorrow brings. There is hope in tomorrow, always keep pushing forward, and now that all things are possible. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I love to hear Owen’s words. I love the connections he’s making. And I love that he is starting to understand more about his needs. I do not love the screaming. The challenge with screaming is he likes to do it, a lot. He also knows that I don’t like him to do it, a lot. He walks up to me, screaming an inch from my face, walking away, laughing. You know that old adage, “never let them see you sweat”; well, Owen has me pegged. Once he sees emotions, he knows he’s got me. This is where the fine line of screaming comes in. I know that sometimes he screams, because he has no other way to process it, but I also know there are times he screams, because he likes to see my emotions. One of his therapists had told me that I needed to hide my emotions when correcting a behavior, explaining he feeds off my emotions. I understand the concept, but the challenge is actually doing it. The self proclaimed queen of emotions, and here I have to be straight faced when I’m trying to correct him. I don’t always have success hiding my emotions; so instead I talk to him a lot. I talk to him about how he is feeling, and it is alright to be upset about something, but he needs to use his words to help mommy understand what he is going through. His words are coming, I know he will get there, I believe in him. He’s had a really good day. He’s been to the potty multiple times, and talking to me about what he is doing; there’s also been some screaming. He said to me, “first starfall den reading eggs den teach time finish your work den play bowling app”. Starfall, Reading Eggs, and TeachTown, are all his school apps that he loves, and when he finishes his work he gets to do other things he likes. He calls TeachTown “teach time” for some reason, but he will say TeachTown when prompted. I love the connections, I love the smile that he shines towards me when I say his name, and I love the incredible progress he is making. Here’s to finding your success story, and making the world a better place. Smiles to all and donut daze!
|
AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
April 2024
Categories |